Nikita

[lucymydarling]

i like to think ive grown. i no longer hold my breath. i stop and smell the flowers, and i allow you to float into my mind like the sweet honeysuckle to my nose.

and then i breathe you back out, passing as easily as the air from my lungs. i smile soon after and know that i am safe.

i can feel my lungs fill with flowers and sweet things and know that i have been reborn kinder and gentler since your absence.

[lucymydarling]

how do you live with a hole where your heart should be?

how do you carry on?

how do you hold the weight?

do you fill the void?

or escape it?

try to love it?

save me

[lucymydarling]

you can never hurt me if it never ends

and it never ends if it never began

so for now

ill sit

giggling to myself

and filling the physical pages of my soul

of all the things these chemicals have made me feel

beautiful ~

yet never truly whole

[lucymydarling]

convinced its so past sexual, then almost pure again

a slip in your morality could paint a part of me, so unalloyed and free

a beautiful disguise for fatality.

[lucymydarling]

its funny how many stories ive told with you disguised in them. to their ears, youre someone i know distantly, to my heart you were my brother. a silly mistake i suppose.

[lucymydarling]

if i knew you'd take it graciously, with a smile and open heart, id give you every bone ive ever grown and mended, in love. a token of it for your beautiful voice that soothes my sore ears. and maybe that makes me silly, but thats the funny thing; i couldnt care less, and thats because of you.

[lucymydarling]

At least i dont feel ive lost myself - its impossible to when your soul is worn so thin that your name is nothing more than a blur of someone you'll never remember

[lucymydarling]

Im good enough but i dont care.

while i know its true i dont think ill ever realize that those five hundred people love the way my hands dance around the air when i walk. ill never realize that those five hundred people love the way that they havent met another one of me, and never will. ill never realize that those five hundred people love the way i giggle like a child when im excited

ill never realize that its the differences ive grown to hate that make their love for me that much stronger.

[lucymydarling]

you cant love somene in harmony. its too pretty. too perfect. find someone you can love in dissonance. friction. find someone who makes love kinda messy. loving someone messily will be so much more real than someone easy, and that much more worth it.

[lucymydarling]

is it that we already know whats to come? every little detail. every big event? i cant help but wonder when ive only seen you once, that the second your hand left mine, itll be there once again. part of me cant quite ignore the stinging in my gut that ill sit with you once again one day. the stinging that itll be different then. the stinging that itll be right then. but it wont be ready a minute before its ready, so until that day, i cherish the stinging youve left.

[lucymydarling]

teach me your history please. i wanna know what scares you. what inspires you. whats made you you. i love the way your soul breathes in sync with mine, so teach me how it learned to breathe that way. teach me so i can pretend ive known you so much longer than i have, because id have given anything to have known you an eternity before, and ill give anything to know you an eternity after.

[lucymydarling]

I've learned to fall in love with everything because I was taught to love nothing, and each time something breaks me I smile wider, knowing that at least flowers can still grow from the pieces of my mosaic heart.

[lucymydarling]

how much life can a mother steal from her daughter before the other people in the room realize that the girl who's been there for 15 years is older than all of them?

[lucymydarling]

I admire the way my brick walls turn to glass under your fingertips, as if to offer your open hand with a smile and yellow rose, knowing it was always my favorite.

[lucymydarling]

i love the way you've made me hate the flowers;

i hear your voice in every song you've given me, little do you realize how in all my dreams its your eyes locked on mine, and my heart in your hand

you're the only person i'd want to make me hate the flowers

[saintjordie]

in these pictures, i simply feel beautiful.

this is a feeling that passed by me long ago, at the time he would only tell me i was beautiful when he wanted something from me. i haven’t felt truly and utterly beautiful in four years. i felt like a waste because of manipulation, i felt as though my chest was folding in on itself- a slow kind of suffocating, like diving too deep into the ocean, well aware of the fact you won’t be receiving oxygen any time soon.

but that’s the thing about breathing- you need oxygen to survive and you must exhale carbon monoxide to help the verdant greens around you bloom. for four, long, desolate, dark, putrid years, my carbon monoxide production slowed, and those around me who were not strong of heart wilted and withered away (as weeds so often do). but those who loved me, and those who cared, pumped oxygen out of their lovely blooms and kept me alive long enough so that i could see what my own colors look like.

however it’s just beginning, in a premature way, like the first lavender flowers you see pop up out of the frozen ground during a spring thaw. so far, it’s small, and you’d barely notice it unless you were seeking to find them, but the buds are there. just buds of hope, for a moment.

-my beauty is budding (as is yours)

[lucymydarling]

Alot of relationships in my life are like a bouquet of flowers; beautiful and bright, yet wilting with time.

How I can't wait to find a tree, whose roots become and stay planted so deeply in my life that they never leave.