envy
they said, envy is a poison. i scoffed at it, believing it has become far away for me to even think about.
until i meet him, and all the girls he had met.
after inside out 2, we asked "Which emotion will be your main?". i answered ennui, but that past me would cough at this cause of how much envy i am now feeling.
it eats you inside out. it rots you until everything of you crumble, melt, shattered, broken. you are still there, but something in you died. it is aching, it is burning, you feel your heart tingles a bit, but you try to suppress it down.
oh so envious.
envious cause you know way too well how much of his eyes are looking past you, but into a distant past that you were not a part of. it could be all in your head, but deep down you know your instinct is one of the only things you would trust. no matter how hard you try, you find yourself keep dumpling down into this hole.
you know it is deteriorating this relationship. it is better to let the past rest. but you cannot stop being so curious about it, after all, you are competitive, you are curious, you don't want to lose out and always try to win in the most superficial everything ever.
you don't even know why you are crying. you are feeling inferior. you are feeling powerless. anxious. jealous. insecure. you never accepted and loved yourself as you are, so you are too afraid of a person you loved leaving you for a person you known damn well that is better than you.
i thought i forgot all these feelings already. i realized how many lies i have been telling myself all along, and to everyone as well.
it stung. wish it would disappear. but it is still there.
you try to listen to his songs. her songs. how belittled you feel your songs are right now. like everything of you become so small and you are trying to find ways to say that you are unique and you deserve love just as much as any being out there.
yet, you might still never be his "the one". you might never be anyone's "the one" at all.
worst part? you don't even know if you should stay, like all the love stories that happened to manys, that love is love and if you stick through it, you will find your happiness all along.
but damn, my luck is miserable. i sabotage things always. what says i would not sabotage things this time. because of my envy, my anxiety, my insecurities.
and i am sick. i am sad. i am sick of it all. that i just want to shut close to all sounds, all texts, to say that i am not ok for reasons i don't even understand. i just want a damn damn long break. wish time would just freeze and i will run past them all.
lemme be alone, just for this night, then.
