social anxiety causes + remedies i've found (as a long term sufferer of anxiety)
1. caring what other people think of you (this one is pretty obvious)
due to low self esteem and a sense of disconnection/alienation from others. you see yourself as somehow different from them and therefore they will have nothing good to say or think about you. what i've found and many people have found to help this is to realize that everyone is too busy worrying about themselves to judge others or to notice every little nuance about them. you are also guilty of this. when you're speaking to someone you are thinking mostly about yourself and how you're probably so embarrassing and annoying, you didn't notice that they accidentally used the wrong word or that they looked tired today.
2. constantly feeling the urge to mediate and make other people comfortable, often without realizing
i notice this a lot in myself and others. its common in abuse victims but it can also stem from other things as well. what has helped me is realizing that i, too, exist in this interaction. i do not live to serve others. social interactions are a two way street, and you should not be doing all of the labour. focus on saying honestly what you want to say, rather than what you think they want you to say. this is extremely difficult to implement when you are so used to attending to other's every whim socially, but i promise, letting this go is going to free you. allow yourself the right to be oblivious, carefree, and selfish. you do not owe anyone on this earth anything except basic kindness and respect.
3. a sense of being out of control when around others
this i mostly see in abuse victims (myself included). in my experience, this innate distrust of others actually stems from not trusting yourself. you do not trust yourself to protect yourself or to set proper boundaries. you feel like everything is happening TO you and you have no control over it, when in actuality you do. i get anxiety when im in groups of people because i fear what they're going to ask me to do (and my brain likes to call it "what they'll MAKE me do"). even worse? they whip out some sort of drug or cigarettes or alcohol. what if they ask me if i want some and i can't say no? what if they decide to do something that i don't want to do? what if i start having a panic attack and no one cares about getting me home? the solution to all of these is to fight for myself. these fears actually, when i look closely, stem from not foreseeing my ability to say no. when in actuality, i can say, "no thank you, I don't feel comfortable doing drugs/drinking/smoking", i can say, "no thanks, I don't want to do that", and i can say, "i am having a panic attack and I need to get home RIGHT now", in my biggest, most robust voice. not quietly, not a little nudge to the person im next to followed by a subtle suggestion to be easily ignored. a loud, clear, demand. because i deserve to be listened to. because i deserve to be heard and respected.
i am not a therapist nor am i fully recovered. i am not perfect and i don't have all the answers as no one does, but this is what ive found in my life of having anxiety, and i truly hope it may help someone. feel free to add to this! and i would love to hear a mental health professional's thoughts on this too.
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