if you're going through a breakup, especially a really intense one. please watch this project that i made. it took me multiple years to put together! please share to anyone who might appreciate it!
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@luporains
if you're going through a breakup, especially a really intense one. please watch this project that i made. it took me multiple years to put together! please share to anyone who might appreciate it!
how long could it last if we were separated?
how far could it go? how many apologies and how much space? how much can you extend to me in silence when i’m doing what you occasionally do as well.
i bite my tongue, i try to at least. i feel fucking stupid for wanting you close to me.
i wonder how it goes
if time can slow
if i could sit still
and live in this moment
and feel this infinity with all my being
with open heart
i know
it will last
tw: selfharm, suicide
today i heavily considered taking my own life. i contemplated what the pain would be like, what i would be leaving behind, what i could possibly do, what could be behind this body and soul, behind this life. instead of taking my own life i self harmed with a wall pin cleaned by a torch and a dull pocket knife cleaned in alcohol. i drank 3 beers and tried to drown my sorrow. i listened to the same song all day, never hearing it enough but growing sick of it at the same time. i thought about what a suicide note would look like for me. i thought about who would find my life less body. i thought about admitting myself to a hospital and then remembered the awful reviews. i sat on the floor and zoned out lost in a foggy thought, laid on my bed and zoned out, i paced the room, lost in thought. angry at myself i wailed the palms of my right hand into my head, bam bam bam… wondering if anything i do will change anything at all. wondering if its worth it. today i did contemplate suicide again. i even contemplated dredging up old ghosts to bring me some sort of company in this empty time of crisis. i felt utterly alone and yet like i could not bring myself to leave this life so soon. but i did cause harm to myself. i cant recall a time i did what i did today quite like when i was 13…10years ago…
i will tell you a million times
how much it is that i love you,
so long as i am distracting
myself from the truth
that i love you infinitely
more than i have ever
loved myself.
but i was never “in love” with you
i was never swept away
you aren’t that remarkable,
you are content with your pain
and there are so many people like you
we, are not the same
an old feeling demands to be felt -
even an old feeling begs to be felt
it begs and it begs until it’s clawing its way up your legs
digging underneath your skin and burrowing deep
until you find the courage to let it spill out from your eyes
and onto the concrete
just as you wish to be free
you wish to be felt safely
without judgment
wishing grace
but keep composure and a straight face
its eating you alive
or so it’s portrayed
but its just an old feeling
so feel it
then let it fade
rising like the tide
and crashing like a wave
life is a journey
not something to escape
you showed me who you were but i did not listen
i was too busy with myself
then when i was done being busy
i saw you finally
realizing i did not like who i saw
for some reason you held this idea
that i would stay with you forever in this town
so when i brought up that i was leaving
you didn’t sound so happy for me
and when i told you to come visit,
you made it sound like you would do it
but it never happened
you never came
you had this delusion that i knew everything about you
you had this fantasy that it was you and me
this idea that i would stay
never go to work
never go to school
never go away
because you never saw me for me
you never really listened to the words that came out of my mouth
I’m sure you wish i was much different
less adventurous
less myself
you didn’t fall in love with me
you fell in love with the idea of me
that you could somehow hold me down
somehow make me stay
the idea that i could be better than him
this idea that i had saved you from a boyfriend
who you stopped liking as soon as i reminded you of love
i showed you friendship
treated you how i treat everyone
i don’t blame you for confusing it with a romantic type of love
but i was never “in love” with you
i was never swept away
you aren’t that remarkable,
you are content with your pain
and there are so many people like you
we are not the same
i get out my car and begin to smoke my herbs
thinking of her, the rain sprinkles at first
then falls heavily from the sky
i run for cover underneath neighboring trees
i stand, getting soaked, smoking, i breathe
i wander up the street i’ve seen so many times
with her there and not in my mind
i find my way to a bus stop corner and i cower under cover
admiring the artists who drew on the door and walls
i take out my marker and write a letter to you
“how did you make me hate myself so much?”
i sit down, my mind drifting away,
perpetually alert, fearing somehow, someway, that i will run into you.
it’s a dream of mine, or maybe some sort of hope that i hold
that if i see you, i could finally let you go
but you won’t show up and that, i know
so i say goodbye at old places i’d known,
and i reminisce of all the nights we had
mostly sinister or bad, i sit down and on the table
i write “i’m sad”
something you may never read
something not for you necessarily that i leave
i stare at the old building i lived in with you for 2 weeks
staring up at the sky i see an osprey flying overhead
a sign, i’ll take it, that who i used to be here, is long dead.
it is who travels alone
who has no choice but
to look within for home
change myself
rebuild myself
destroy myself
i look in this mirror and i see who i don’t want to be
i open this mouth and hear this voice i don’t want to be
speaking words i don’t want to speak
look at you
then look at me
can you lend me you, entirely?
i reach out my arms in front of my face
twitting my fingers
i feel despicable this body is mine
that this mind is mine
that these feelings
are mine
that this life too
it’s all mine
and i’ve gone so blind to the beauty of it all
because this hate inside me swells up
walls break
letting the flood in
do i want to keep drowning?
we’ve spent days together lying down in your bed,
your head rested on my chest,
or my head on yours...
i get lost in your eyes.
do you know that?
when you smile the whole world feels bright.
i feel so lucky to have this shared time.
to kiss you and hold you and try my best to treat you right.
I’m terrified to lose you so I’m scared to slow down
but i told you i love you;
I’m scared again, in love i will drown.
here we are in the future
again here i find myself scared of losing someone so close, that i constantly want to pull away...
destroy what destroys you.
you’re a dream i don’t want to wake up from.
it’s startling how close we’ve gotten in a matter of months.
how i’ve spilt my secrets onto you at first with hesitation;
you’ve held me when i was filled with nothing but tears,
flowing out the cracks she left before you got here.
you’re the sweetest dream i’ve had in ages,
just when i was content with being alone for good,
we crossed paths and everything changed.
thank god nothing will ever be the same.