luporains

i am my art

[luporains]

if you're going through a breakup, especially a really intense one. please watch this project that i made. it took me multiple years to put together! please share to anyone who might appreciate it!

[luporains]

how long could it last if we were separated?

how far could it go? how many apologies and how much space? how much can you extend to me in silence when i’m doing what you occasionally do as well.

i bite my tongue, i try to at least. i feel fucking stupid for wanting you close to me.

[luporains]

i wonder how it goes

if time can slow

if i could sit still

and live in this moment

and feel this infinity with all my being

with open heart

i know

it will last

[luporains]

tw: selfharm, suicide

today i heavily considered taking my own life. i contemplated what the pain would be like, what i would be leaving behind, what i could possibly do, what could be behind this body and soul, behind this life. instead of taking my own life i self harmed with a wall pin cleaned by a torch and a dull pocket knife cleaned in alcohol. i drank 3 beers and tried to drown my sorrow. i listened to the same song all day, never hearing it enough but growing sick of it at the same time. i thought about what a suicide note would look like for me. i thought about who would find my life less body. i thought about admitting myself to a hospital and then remembered the awful reviews. i sat on the floor and zoned out lost in a foggy thought, laid on my bed and zoned out, i paced the room, lost in thought. angry at myself i wailed the palms of my right hand into my head, bam bam bam… wondering if anything i do will change anything at all. wondering if its worth it. today i did contemplate suicide again. i even contemplated dredging up old ghosts to bring me some sort of company in this empty time of crisis. i felt utterly alone and yet like i could not bring myself to leave this life so soon. but i did cause harm to myself. i cant recall a time i did what i did today quite like when i was 13…10years ago…

[luporains]

i will tell you a million times

how much it is that i love you,

so long as i am distracting

myself from the truth

that i love you infinitely

more than i have ever

loved myself.

[luporains]

but i was never “in love” with you

i was never swept away

you aren’t that remarkable,

you are content with your pain

and there are so many people like you

we, are not the same

[luporains]

an old feeling demands to be felt -

even an old feeling begs to be felt

it begs and it begs until it’s clawing its way up your legs

digging underneath your skin and burrowing deep

until you find the courage to let it spill out from your eyes

and onto the concrete

just as you wish to be free

you wish to be felt safely 

without judgment 

wishing grace

but keep composure and a straight face

its eating you alive

or so it’s portrayed

but its just an old feeling

so feel it

then let it fade

rising like the tide 

and crashing like a wave

life is a journey

not something to escape

[ousia-poetica]

[luporains]

you showed me who you were but i did not listen

i was too busy with myself

then when i was done being busy

i saw you finally 

realizing i did not like who i saw

for some reason you held this idea

that i would stay with you forever in this town

so when i brought up that i was leaving

you didn’t sound so happy for me

and when i told you to come visit,

you made it sound like you would do it

but it never happened

you never came

you had this delusion that i knew everything about you

you had this fantasy that it was you and me

this idea that i would stay

never go to work

never go to school

never go away

because you never saw me for me

you never really listened to the words that came out of my mouth

I’m sure you wish i was much different

less adventurous

less myself

you didn’t fall in love with me

you fell in love with the idea of me

that you could somehow hold me down

somehow make me stay

the idea that i could be better than him

this idea that i had saved you from a boyfriend

who you stopped liking as soon as i reminded you of love

i showed you friendship 

treated you how i treat everyone

i don’t blame you for confusing it with a romantic type of love

but i was never “in love” with you

i was never swept away

you aren’t that remarkable,

you are content with your pain

and there are so many people like you

we are not the same

[luporains]

i get out my car and begin to smoke my herbs

thinking of her, the rain sprinkles at first

then falls heavily from the sky

i run for cover underneath neighboring trees

i stand, getting soaked, smoking, i breathe

i wander up the street i’ve seen so many times

with her there and not in my mind

i find my way to a bus stop corner and i cower under cover

admiring the artists who drew on the door and walls

i take out my marker and write a letter to you

“how did you make me hate myself so much?”

i sit down, my mind drifting away,

perpetually alert, fearing somehow, someway, that i will run into you.

it’s a dream of mine, or maybe some sort of hope that i hold

that if i see you, i could finally let you go

but you won’t show up and that, i know 

so i say goodbye at old places i’d known,

 and i reminisce of all the nights we had

mostly sinister or bad, i sit down and on the table

i write “i’m sad”

something you may never read

something not for you necessarily that i leave

i stare at the old building i lived in with you for 2 weeks

staring up at the sky i see an osprey flying overhead

a sign, i’ll take it, that who i used to be here, is long dead.

[luporains]

it is who travels alone

who has no choice but 

to look within for home

[luporains]

change myself

rebuild myself

destroy myself

i look in this mirror and i see who i don’t want to be

i open this mouth and hear this voice i don’t want to be

speaking words i don’t want to speak

look at you

then look at me

can you lend me you, entirely?

i reach out my arms in front of my face

twitting my fingers

i feel despicable this body is mine

that this mind is mine

that these feelings

are mine

that this life too

it’s all mine

and i’ve gone so blind to the beauty of it all

because this hate inside me swells up

walls break

letting the flood in

do i want to keep drowning?

[luporains]

we’ve spent days together lying down in your bed,

your head rested on my chest, 

or my head on yours...

i get lost in your eyes.

do you know that?

when you smile the whole world feels bright.

i feel so lucky to have this shared time.

to kiss you and hold you and try my best to treat you right.

I’m terrified to lose you so I’m scared to slow down

but i told you i love you;

I’m scared again, in love i will drown.

[luporains]

here we are in the future

[luporains]

again here i find myself scared of losing someone so close, that i constantly want to pull away...

[luporains]

destroy what destroys you.

[luporains]

you’re a dream i don’t want to wake up from.

it’s startling how close we’ve gotten in a matter of months.

how i’ve spilt my secrets onto you at first with hesitation;

you’ve held me when i was filled with nothing but tears,

flowing out the cracks she left before you got here.

you’re the sweetest dream i’ve had in ages,

just when i was content with being alone for good,

we crossed paths and everything changed.

thank god nothing will ever be the same.