Mac Axe

The Offial Blog of Mac Axe. Pansexual cis male.

[homunculus-argument]

A restaurant named You're Not Supposed To Be Here, where the whole point is that the vibes are unnerving. The lighting is weird, the whole place has a faint scent that's not a bad smell, but it's certainly not food smell and you can't quite identify what the hell it is. The music is weirdly janky and you can't quite tell what's wrong with it, the vocals aren't exactly garbled but sung in a language you swear you've never heard anywhere and couldn't name if you tried. Only hiring staff who have anxiety and they're 100% permitted to show how much your presence here stresses them out.

[cipheramnesia]

I went to a restaurant like that once, but it was just a local chain of steakhouses.

[prokopetz]

There's a restaurant here in town that's set up in a refurbished office building, but, like, they didn't revise the existing floor plan when they moved in, so when you go there to eat you have to ride an elevator up to an aggressively beige reception area that looks and smells like the Ghost of Dot-Coms Past, where after a while a waiter will come wandering down one of the grey-carpeted hallways and lead you to an unmarked office door, and inside that door is a fully furnished dining room. I've been there twice and I still have no idea where the kitchen is located. The food's actually not bad, but "unnerving" is one way to describe the dining experience!

[depsidase]

[coldcrashpictures]

Not to mention Jesus very much did just give people fish. Like, that was a significant thing that happened.

[themythicalcodfish]

and he made sure that there was enough for everyone. It was a pretty big deal.

[justsomeguycore]

not to reinvent victorian hysteria for men but i do think a lot of cis guys would calm down if they got prostate stimulation on the reg

[capesandshapes]

As Elon Musk cements his place in history as a fascist tech overlord and the rest of the world looks at us in horror, I really do want to reiterate what I feel will be lost to the history books

Nearly everyone in america has thought and continues to think that Elon is very cringe.

[soloyoyquienmas]

Despite not being a USA citizen, everyon has... no, MUST remember that the billionare Elon Musk has such a tiny, pathetic and childish ego, that he had the need to lie about being a hardcore epic gamer in Path of Exile 2, only to be caught red-handed as the hilarious sham that he is, and ban everyone who exposed him.

[anarchopuppy]

the doge meme is from 2013. its easy for dates in history books to get kinda blurry and to just print something like "the department of government efficiency was named after a popular meme at the time", but i think its important to record that musk named the agency that is illegally seizing our government after a joke so outdated that the dog in the picture has since died of old age

[roach-works]

he is regularly denounced by his adult and teenage children, who either block him online or are blocked by him. speaking of which, he posted weirdly sexual content while roleplaying as his own infant son.

accounts praising him are regularly discovered to be his sockpuppets. he blocks or threatens legal actions against those who expose his fake accounts. despite this, it happens every couple months.

he either paid his ex-wife to lie that he was good at videogames, or used her account himself to do so. she immediately followed up the lie with a separate tweet that just said 'sigh.'

he is a deeply pathetic man.

[miraculouspaon]

GBBO: “A s’more is basically just an Italian merengue sandwiched between two ganache-covered digestives”

Americans:

[flange5]

in case anyone in wondering, this is Paul Hollywood's idea of a s'more

[theequeerstrian]

You know what, their absolute inability to grasp Mexican foods makes more sense every day

[ennairea]

[starlightshadowsworld]

Nodding my head in support of the Americans despite having no clue what a s’more is.

[mankillercalledbunny]

Okay, American immigrant to the UK here to explain all the mistakes from Paul Hollywood happening here: there is one fundamentally American ingredient required to make a s'more correctly but which is basically not available anywhere at all in the UK, and that is graham crackers. A plain digestive biscuit close-ish, but still a very different beast.

From Wikipedia: A graham cracker is a sweet flavored cracker made with graham flour.

The next ingredient (which is also extremely traditionally American but slightly more variable) is typically Hershey's chocolate, but you could probably swap this out in the UK with any plain chocolate bar.

Last ingredient is big marshmallows, the kind you do the chubby bunny challenge with, like the size of your thumb and twice as thick.

A proper s'more, the most traditional possible variety, involves to graham cracker squares, two slab segments of Hershey's chocolate, and one to two marshmallows depending on your preference for filling and gooeyness. You put a slab of chocolate on one of the graham cracker squares. Your marshmallows should be toasted, usually over a campfire but if you're doing them at home over a gas stove burner is fine, but the fire part is critical. You can toast them to whatever degree you like, some people like them nice and golden brown but still kind of firm in the middle, me personally? I want that bitch to CATCH ON FIRE, I want it gooey and sticky as hell in the middle, crispy and burnt on the outside. Slap that motherfucker on your graham cracker and chocolate square, top with the other one so your marshmallow and chocolate are sandwiched together by graham cracker on the outside. You do this with your freshly toasted marshmallow because ideally it will be hot enough to start to melt the chocolate so it sticks to the marshmallow and the graham cracker and, combined with the gooey marshmallow, it keeps the whole thing together, and for that reason some people will let them sit for a hot second to let the melting process happen (especially if like me you have chocolate on BOTH graham cracker squares, not just one, because you're a sugar fiend), but if you are a young child you do not have that degree of patience and you eat that shit immediately, unmelted chocolate and all. Consume your summer camp delight like a tiny club sandwich, get gooey sticky marshmallow and chocolate all over your hands, and enjoy.

Important note: this is a kids treat. It is a traditional summer camping trip dessert. It should be something any ten year old with adult supervision and access to the ingredients can make (and make a mess of). They're called s'mores because kids always "want s'more". If you are using a blowtorch, chocolate biscuits, and merengue, you are so far beyond the bounds of s'more-hood that you have thoroughly lost the plot. If you offered Paul Hollywood's concoction to an American child and called it a s'more, they'd tell you flat out that not only is it not a s'more, it looks dumb and you didn't do it right because it's not gooey.

[gwiggs]

Graham crackers are a distinctly American thing. They were created by a minister during the temperance movement who believed that the way to get people to stop masturbating was to feed them a diet of only dry, sugarless crackers made from a coarsely ground wheat.

Fortunately one of the few things Americans love more than protestantism is adding sugar to things. So we added sugar and used them to make s'mores, the most sugar-heavy treat imaginable, and we never did stop cranking it.

[bramblepatch]

I for one enjoy finding new ways to adulterate Rev. Graham's crackers specifically to spite him.

[queenofnots]

me watching it all unfold

[depsidase]

[depsidase]

[frankthesnek]

MOOD!

[tlhrfanfic]

[mysharona1987]

I feel this could have been designed better.

[walks-the-ages]

They’re the ones in charge of enforcing the mask rule :)

[shittycryptids]

A nine tailed kitsune but all the tails are those floating inflatable men you see outside car dealerships

[hrmsketches]

[fuckyeahcomicsbaby]

Different Stories Resonate with Different People

[lovingmyselfishard]

I will always reblog this.

[brightwanderer]

I once spent three hours scouring the internet to find this comic again, I will not let that be repeated.

[dduane]

Find your own resonance :)

[alexaloraetheris]

Old, but still important

[olderthannetfic]

I was just thinking about this comic the other day but had no idea how to find it.

[elftwink]

nobody on earth is funnier than the winners of the bulwer-lytton fiction contest

[elftwink]

highlights from the 2018 winners include:

“Eli Jacob Crowley, the famed pioneer figure who spearheaded America’s westward expansion by blazing the Crowley Trail in 1838, was an awe-inspiring figure of a man, as stout as a four-century-old oak, as intellectually complex as the fronds of a Florida palm, as singularly focused as the trunk of a Giant Sequoia, though in all other respects, not like a tree at all.” (John Hardi)

“Talila Norpiros, heir to the elven throne and commander of her people’s armed forces, chose a slightly more risqué outfit that morning than she would normally wear to battle, theorizing that if she were presented as a sex symbol as well as a dynamic protagonist, the series might attract a few more male readers and finally make the New York Times bestseller list.” (Bridget Parmenter)

“It wasn’t fair to call Michael a scum-sucking monster from the deep, the miserable, fetid descendant of some unnamed demon who, after centuries at the very depths of the ocean, had somehow surfaced and found his way to Wall Street—it was accurate, of course, but he preferred Michael.” (Allison Bryski)

and my personal favourite: 

“Once upon a time, there was a place where things happened; allow me to be more specific.” (John Wallace)

[elftwink]

just fucking remembered contest again so nobody asked but here are some 2019 winner highlights

“It was a dark and stormy night, and since this was Miami in July and everyone had left their convertible tops down, the rain fell in Cadillacs.” (Andrew Lundberg)

“When the tall dark, handsome, buff, and wealthy cowboy moseyed into my “Blazin’ Six-guns” novelty shop, I felt a wave of heat flood through me, as if I had accidentally swallowed my sub-lingual nicotinic acid lozenge, causing the niacin to be released instantaneously, rather than in a more controlled, extended, low-potency dose, for which means the prescription had been written.” (Randall Card)

“Zajaxian Planetary Law required that war, if it must be fought, be fought not with bombs, bullets and blood, as on our own primitive Earth, but with serried banks of immensely powerful mainframe computers, even though they were bulky to carry and unwieldy to throw.“ (Jeremy Das)

“The High Gondonderil gazed on with horror as the Elgaborian legions marched at a single, pitiless pace into the once peaceful streets of Sar-Andrada, the capital city of the kingdom of Xanthil, located in a fantasy universe which might seem extremely confusing at present but which will doubtless make perfect sense to you, dear reader, once you realize that, like most fantasy universes, it’s basically just Tolkien’s Middle-earth with different names for things.” (Harrison Glaze)

[elftwink]

would you look at that its time to talk about my favourite bad fiction contest!! here are some 2020 winner highlights

“The first thing I noticed about the detective’s office was how much it reminded me of the baggage claim at a nearby airport: the carpet was half a century out of date, it reeked of cigarettes and cheap booze, and I was moderately certain that my case had been lost.” (Paul Kollas)

“’You may know my true name,’ gloated Archmage-Emperor !Gfńatt’ Bdúnśṽiobfhńr to the foolish traitor who had dared try to end his glorious mage-empire’s reign, ‘but can you pronounce it?’” (Gideon Gordon)

“The sound of his raspy voice and the feel of his chilly hand on her shoulder made her shudder, like the wooden things on the sides of windows, but a verb rather than a noun, and with two d’s rather than two t’s.” (Kagte Minyard)

“Jarrod, lying in the bed next to Selina, on his side with his head in his hand, asked, ‘What would your husband do if he saw me right now?’ and Selina, who was watching her husband sneak up on Jarrod holding a tire iron with two hands raised above his head, replied, ‘Probably sneak up on you with a tire iron raised above his head, preparing to use it for something other than its intended purpose.’” (Randy Blanton)

[elftwink]

it’s 2021 winner time and i want to be clear this time that “bad fiction” is not a judgment on my part, it’s the whole goal of the contest. the about page says, “…the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest challenges entrants to compose opening sentences to the worst of all possible novels.” i’m not insulting them. anyway here are my faves <3

“It was a dark and stormy … morning, Gotcha! – this is just the first of innumerable twists and turns that you, dear Reader, will struggle to keep abreast of as I unfold my tale of adventure as second plumber aboard the hapless SS Hotdog during that fateful summer of 1974.” (Louise Taylor)

“Our story begins in the cozy cottage of Bynnoldh-Dyr, son of Asgwitch-Torgwyr, in the idyllic elven village of Myrthffolwrd, but our book actually begins some two hundred pages earlier, in which you are pummeled by irrelevant history and unpronounceable names, because my publisher is paying me by the word.” (Neil B Harrison)

“As the dawn begin to break, Debby and Robert, their arms tightly wrapped around each other, watched in awe as the sky turned a brilliant pinkish red as the sun’s rays inched their way down the slopes of the craggy peaks of the Rocky Mountains, but this was Canada so the rays were centimetering their way down the slopes.” (Daniel Leyde)

“She had a deep, throaty laugh, like the sound a dog makes right before it throws up.” (Janie Doohan)

[ifanimaltrapped]

[strawbeb]

it’s not ‘talking to myself’ it’s called a soliloquy you fuck

[saywhatjessie]

#it’s only a soliloquy if it’s in verse #otherwise it’s just a sparkling mental breakdown

[drst]

hey

[ommanyte]

how dull for you to live your life without any hills to die on, you, on your vast flat barren plains of compromise, acceptance, and accommodation, while I reign supreme over the lush, rolling highlands of stupid shit I have irrationally chosen to stake my entire identity on

[vetisntdead]

….as someone who was terrified of having their own opinion, this is truly inspiring

[xelbleedsglitter]

the hills are alive with all the fucks i give on select topics

[fullymechanized-consoomer]