More Mindsets: Love and Connection
We are halfway through our workweek and so many of you have been participating in my #ConnectionChallenge2021. Thanks to Valentine’s Day, we started our week with love on our minds and by today we should be feeling our connections even more fully. With all of that said our mindset around love and connection may still need some shifting. So today, let’s talk about how we talk about love.
There are so many different kinds of connections out there, acquaintances, friends, family, dates, spouses, and anything in between (more on all these fun things tomorrow). They surround us in our life and affect our health. As the saying goes, “we are like our five closest friends.” So, it should come as no shock that in the longest happiness study done to date, the biggest indicator of lifelong happiness is interpersonal connections. Even in business, “it’s all about who you know.” So, if you want more happiness in your life, meeting and connecting to new people may just be the answer. Today I am going to hop into the tools you can carry across relationships to help you improve the ones you have and gain even more of them.
Even though there are many types of connections in our life and we treat them differently, some things stay the same. Whether your relationship is romantic or platonic, these are the skills you can apply; communication, boundary-setting, and common ground. And having these skills can help improve your relationships ten-fold, but don’t take my word for it. Let’s hop into the things you can try out for yourself.
First, communication. Whenever you ask a couple what they wish they knew before getting married, it almost always comes down to communication. The way we communicate is mostly unique to us, given we all have different genes and life experiences. So, it is important to employ active-listening and practice understanding the other’s use of language. (If you are in a romantic relationship and you want to learn more about specific love languages, I recommend this).
Often in conversations we can find ourselves hearing but not listening. Active listening is a term that means the listener focuses fully on the speaker (and thus listens and not just hears). So in order to listen better, we need to listen actively.
To practice active-listening, try these things:
Make eye contact - eye contact is shown to improve trust between people
Positive reinforcement - this means small responses or gestures to show you are listening fully
Mentally note key points of the speaker
Reflect back what you’ve heard - summarize what the speaker said as you understood it to avoid miscommunications
In conjunction with better listening, you may need to be better at communicating with others. Especially when it comes to your feelings or needs. Enter Nonviolent Communication (or NVC). I’ve spoken about this before on my blog, but basically it comes down to the idea that you can communicate your feelings and needs through compassion. In communication, it’s not only about understanding others, but also feeling understood and that is where NVC can help you.
To communicate better, try these things:
Say how that makes you feel (without placing blame)
Say what need you have that is not being met
Make your request for how that need can be met
Don’t forget KISS - keep it simple sweetie. You don’t need to go to your friend or partner that you have conflict with and give them a laundry list of observations, feelings, and changes to make. Use NVC incident by incident from a place of compassion and don’t be afraid to keep it concise. Remember, this is about connection not confrontation.
Now that you have better tools for language and communication, take a look at how you communicate with others. What language are you using in your relationships? Do you find yourself placing blame? Do you avoid taking responsibility? Give yourself an honest look and note the things you need to change.
Maybe you are constantly blowing up in anger, anxiety, or frustration because you don’t do the next thing: set boundaries. Setting boundaries is something I struggle with personally (so I did a lot of research). The reality is setting boundaries comes with a lot of benefits, most mentionable being their ability to build your self-esteem and conserve your emotional energy. In my terms, good boundaries create space for your highest self.
To set better boundaries, try these things:
Define your boundaries ahead of time (Like in D.A.R.E when you practiced saying NO to drugs)
Practice saying “no” to those you trust (no justification is needed when practicing a fair boundary)
Use assertive language (refer to NVC to help)
Find support (like a boundary coach or counsellor)
Respect others boundaries too.
Overall, boundary setting will help you improve your contentious relationships. Even when it’s hard sometimes. To get clearer on your boundaries, decide what you say no to (or want to say no to). Whether it be certain kinds of social obligations, toxic people, a topic of conversation, or more responsibility at work, discern what will help you grow and what will hinder it. As an example, I take an hour every morning for breathwork, meditation, and journaling. This is a non-negotiable in my life and my friends and family respect this boundary.
But enough about the relationships we already have. How can you make new ones?
Making new friends and finding new lovers can be tough, especially in our post-pandemic world (wishful thinking). There are still plenty of ways though. When searching for new friends, I highly recommend linking up in a Facebook group online, joining a church or club you like, and meeting (safely) with friends of friends.
To help you make genuine connections, try these things:
Be authentic - you are who you are and that is divine.
Find common ground - it’s easy to like people you have something in common with
Check your biases - you may not realize you are choosing friends just like you, that doesn't challenge you. Look at your friend group and make sure it has variety.
Try new hobbies or learn something new
The best option? #ConnectionChallenge2021 It’s not too late to join.
There is a whole world of people out there just waiting to meet you. People you have common ground with, that will respect your boundaries. People who want to connect, learn and try new things with you. They do exist, you just need to find them. So, go get connected. Drop a comment with your social media info down below to find like-minded friends here. Or connect with me on social media.
