heartbreaking news. between this, tougher crackdown on illegal tv streaming sites (kimcartoon has just permanently gone down), coming after scanlation sites, and the general moral panic around AI having people actually root for wider nets and stricter enforcement of copyright/ip law, i have a feeling the state of art and media online is going to get much much worse.
the precedent this sets for what people are allowed to do with physical print books they own is absolutely horrible, since there is nothing the Internet Archive loaned out that they didn't have a 1:1 legally acquired physical copy of before digitizing.
āThis appeal presents the following question: Is it āfair useā for a nonprofit organization to scan copyright-protected print books in their entirety, and distribute those digital copies online, in full, for free, subject to a one-to-one owned-to-loaned ratio between its print copies and the digital copies it makes available at any given time, all without authorization from the copyright-holding publishers or authors? Applying the relevant provisions of the Copyright Act as well as binding Supreme Court and Second Circuit precedent, we conclude the answer is no,ā the decision states.
[...]
āThis characterization confuses IAās practices with traditional library lending of print books. IA does not perform the traditional functions of a library; it prepares derivatives of Publishersā Works and delivers those derivatives to its users in full,ā the court held. āWhether it delivers the copies on a one-to-one owned-to-loaned basis or not, IAās recasting of the Works as digital books is not transformative.ā
i hope all of the authors who went to bat for taking books away from the public don't know a moment of peace for the rest of their careers lol. i hope it was worth solidifying the publishing industry's grip on the entire sphere of literature just to get a few extra royalty pennies in your pockets.
what "annoys" me about this awful situation is that the greedy authors and publishers decided that they were going to go after a nonprofit organization trying to be charitable due to many people being in incredibly dire straits after inflation skyrocketed after the COVID pandemic started.
fuck copyright, i don't care about what they were "claiming" to be. at the end of the day what the internet archive did was irreplaceable work and you riding for authors like neil gaiman and chuck wendig when you literally just admitted they started the entire thing and brought it to the attention of their publishers (as well as so many fucking others) is absolutely batshit. it feels like half the people on this fucking site genuinely believe the ads in the theater that say you're killing every person who worked on a movie if you pirate it
also please sign the change.org petition to the publishers to restore access to the books. every vote counts to get eyes on this issue.
a nonprofit organization trying to be charitable due to many people being in incredibly dire straits after inflation skyrocketed after the COVID pandemic started.
THE IA WAS ALREADY LETTING PEOPLE ACCESS THE BOOKS FOR FREE. Like, you understand how silly this argument is, right? They were already letting people access the books for free. People can wait for a free book. That is a thing they can do.
But instead, the IA looked at the current copyright situation, said, "I'm going to flout this, and surely the publishers won't come after me for it," and then! Surprise! The publishers came after them for it.
Now, do I like this decision? No! Do I like current copyright? Not really! Do I think there should have been a different outcome here? In an ideal world, yes! But we don't live in an ideal world, we live in capitalism nightmare world.
I don't give a fuck about Gaiman or Wendig. I do give a fuck about marginalized authors, most of whom are making poverty wages if they are making writing a full-time gig, most of whom get one go at this, and if a publisher decides not to pick up their next book, that's it for them. You're never getting another published book from them. Self-publishing costs money and takes time and they weren't making enough money from publishing to make it worth it, so if the traditional publishing machine spits them out, they're done.
I mean, sure, maybe you think creative work isn't actually work and creators shouldn't be compensated for it. That's your right. I'm allowed to think you're a clown for it, but that's your right. But don't be surprised when that means it becomes harder and harder to find books that come from people who aren't ALREADY white and rich and bestselling. Don't be surprised when that series you were enjoying from a new author never gets finished.
The giant publishers would LOVE for you to blame authors. They'd love it. They're so happy you've got no idea how poorly off most authors are, because it lets the way they operate slide under the radar. They were always going to go after the IA. And now they don't even have to take most of the blame for it! Lucky them.
Natalie Māphylgwnth from Carcosa just finished her beam routine, which has left another judge screaming and blind. Weāre going to take a break as they look for another volunteer.
I am offering full body character illustrations, starting from Ā£80 for a single character with a blank background, with additional character and background options available. You can find more information on these options over here on ko-fi.
Please note these are private commissions, so are only for personal, not commercial use. If you want to hire me for a commercial project, email me separately at [email protected]. More information on this is available over on ko-fi in my standard terms, but if you have any questions about the difference please feel free drop me an ask or a message.
What I would LOVE to draw for you (basically what I'm best at):
Your original characters, including DnD characters
Your original stories (though please note, these are private commissions so if you want me to illustrate something that will be used commercially or aren't sure what counts as commercial, use the above email instead!)
Folklore, mythology, Arthuriana and general fantasy stuff
Historical illustrations
What I won't draw:
Fanart commissions. This is largely because I treat fanart as a fun hobby I do on the side and I don't want to make it into work. I've previously done fanart commissions (mostly for Star Wars) and over time have concluded it just isn't the kind of work I want to do.
Excessive gore or nsfw. I'm fine with a bit of blood, but no viscera! As to nsfw, it just isn't something I'm good at and you'd be better off going to an artist who specialises in this and knows what they're doing. I am happy to draw sfw couples tho!
And that's it! If you have any questions, there's anything I've missed, or if you have an idea for a commission that falls outside of what's available on ko-fi, please drop me an ask, dm or an email and I'll get back to you asap.
Welcome to theĀ HOT JANE AUSTEN MENĀ bracket! We will soon be voting on all theĀ HOTTESTĀ Jane Austen Gentlemen and Rakes from all the many TV and Film Jane Austen Adaptations.
Like all good period dramas this tournament will begin on a Sunday (18th February) and the first round of polls will last a week!
All pollsāincluding ongoing polls, previous rounds, ācan be found in theĀ #hotjaneaustenmenpoll tag. Every poll in theĀ Hot Jane Austen Men TournamentĀ is tagged with the hot regency man and the year his adaptation was made if you need to search for a hot man in particular.
FAQs:
āWhere is [my favorite Jane Austen man]?āĀ It depends. Have you checked all the polls in the tag? Have you done a tag search for him? If you still havenāt found him, he probably isn't in this poll.
āWho is included on this list?āĀ There are currently 48 opponents readying their duelling pistols to defend their own hotness. I have included men from Pride and Prejudice 1995/2005, Sense and Sensibility 1995/2007, Emma 1996/1996/2009/2020, Northanger Abbey 2007, Persuasion 1995/2007/2022 and Mansfield Park 1999/2007 as well as a couple from Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and one from Pride and Prejudice 1940 and one from Sanditon. Most are the main hero/anti-heroes but there are a few others scattered in too.
Have you included Spin Offs ?āĀ The only strictly none Jane Austen adaptation I've included men from is Pride and Prejudice and Zombies because it is set in the correct time period, the characters are basically the same in terms of personality and I thought the casting was great! In terms of Sandition, Sidney Parker is the only man I have entered as he is mentioned in the book as well as the TV so sadly as much as I love the other Sanditon Men they aren't included!
"Can I submit hot Jane Austen men?āĀ I have already made the posts for the match-ups however if I get a few submissions to my ask then I may try to add some extra men. I'm pretty sure all the biggies are there - I haven't included any from Lady Susan/Love and Friendship but if you have a favourite from there or a man you think I could have missed send me an ask and I'll do my best to add him!
āI have additional propaganda for the hot men!āĀ Great! Send me anĀ ask, or reblog the poll and add your propaganda to it. I've only put photos and names so far so if you want any text propaganda please send some in . I'll try to boost as much propaganda as possible
"How have you paired up the men ?" I did start to try and vaguely seed the men but I will be honest I did get a bit slap dash towards the end which means a couple of the match-ups are maybe a bit too even but fun I hope!
If youāre submitting propaganda for your hot man,Ā I donāt accept propaganda that is of the actor outside of their Specific Jane Austen Adaptation. I'lI probably try to avoid extremely long posts but I would love to be tagged in gifsets and fancams, and I'd like to boost propaganda that tells us why your Jane Austen man is your favourite :)
I wonāt post or boost negative propaganda.Ā If you really hate that a certain hot man is winning, send me positive propaganda for their hot opponent.
If I see repetitive, trolling, and/or bigoted remarks in the comments, I may block you from this bracket. If you want to point out a hot manās flaws or misdemeanors, thatās fine, but if I see consistent bad-faith trolling, you will be blocked.
On that noteāif you have an issue with a poll, offer a solution!Ā I'll do my best to keep the poll happy and fun, and I'll block people being dicks. If you donāt like a poll photo or a description, offer one I can use instead.
āWHERE ARE THE HOT JANE AUSTEN MEN. I want to see all the hot men competing in one place! - Once the polls are up, I will add a post with all the match-ups and add a link here!
āMy FAQ isnāt on here :(āĀ send me an ask! I'd love to hear from you guysājust please check these basics first.
If none of them married, how desperate would the Bennett girls actually have been?
Well the only dowry they have is Ā£50 apiece from their motherās small inheritance, per year; so thatās a total of Ā£250 generated by Mrs. Bennetās inherited investments per annum.
The Dashwoods (four women) are living on Ā£500 a year when they are forced to live in Barton Cottage (with good-will making the rent presumably ridiculously low thanks to Sir John Middletonās good nature, to say nothing of all the dinners and outings he invites the ladies to, which will help them economize on housekeeping costs for heavier meals.)
So there would be six Bennet women left to live on half as much as the Dashwoods are barely scraping by on. Ā£250 is roughly considered enough to keep ONE gentleman at a barely-genteel level of leisure (presuming he does not keep a horse or estate or have any major expenses beyond securing his own lodgings/clothes/meals at a level becoming of a gentleman.)
None of the Bennet girls have been educated well enough for them to be governesses to support themselves, soā¦yes, their situation would heavily rely on mega-charity from others to just help them survive, much less maintain them in the lifestyle theyāve been accustomed to. The Dashwood women have NO social life beyond the outings provided by Sir John and the offer of Mrs. Jennings to host the older girls in Londonāotherwise theyād be stuck in their cottage, meeting absolutely no eligible men, creating a cycle of being poor and unmarried and too poor to meet anyone with money they could marry.
If the Bennet girls donāt at least have ONE of them marry well enough to help the rest before their father dies, they are really, truly, deeply fucked.
They may joke about beautiful Jane being the saviour of the family, butā¦itās true. Mr. Bennet failed his daughters several times over in A) presuming heād have a son, B) not saving money independently from his income to support his family after his death when it became clear he wasnāt going to have a son, C) not educating them well enough to enable them to support themselves in even in the disagreeable way of being a governess, D) not making any effort to escort his daughters to London or even local assemblies to help their matrimonial chances because he just doesnāt feel like it, E) throwing up his hands and shrugging when faced with the crises of Mr. Collins and Wickham.
Much as we are relieved on a romantic level that Mr. Bennetās support of Elizabeth saves her from parental pressure to accept Mr. Collins, Mrs. Bennet is NOT A DICK for pushing for the match, because on a material level it very much means they get to KEEP THEIR HOUSE and gain a connection to the powerful patron Lady Catherine de Bourgh, which could be VERY advantageous for the other unmarried girls.
And the scandal of Wickham very nearly scuppers the chances of ANY of the other girls, and Wickham is a further DRAIN on the family finances, not a man who is going to substantially be able to support them. It is SUCH a disaster, and of course thereās not much Mr. Bennet can do until they are found, but heās away in London and doingā¦what, exactly? Mr. Gardiner takes over and manages everything and Mr. Bennet seems happy to just let him.
Mr. Bennet does the ABSOLUTE LEAST, and actively damages his childrenās futures by his inaction AND by his one action to support Lizzieās individual needs being prioritized over the collective gain, whichā¦I mean, Lizzie is going to be JUST as homeless and destitute as her sisters when he dies, so much good being Dadās Favourite is going to do her. :/
I wrote an entire essay about this my last year of school, and my teacher thought I had lost the plot.
He was my most hated teacher for other reasons, and this did not help his case.
I am Here for the Mrs. Bennet Defense Squad. Yes, she can be unsubtle in a major way, but she is also terrifiedĀ of the alternative outcome. However, for all her lack of tact, she is also hellaĀ strategic,Ā as demonstrated by setting up anĀ āoh no Iām stuck in your houseā romance trope situation for Jane and Bingley. Sheās a clever lady, and she sees exactly what kind of shitty situation theyāre in, and she canāt get her husband to do anything.
Itās really easy to read Mrs. Bennetās inability to be subtle about anythingĀ as a sign of stupidity or inability to understandĀ āsocietyā (and the Bingley sisters are inclined to do this andĀ link it to her very middle-class family because of classism) but she is literally panicking at all times about a very real concern, and everyone is just rolling their eyes. No compassion for her poor nerves indeed!
Ok so I started to scroll by. But the problem with the Mrs. Bennet discourse is that it can too quickly swing too far in the wrong direction. Yes, everything about this is (mostly) true. The Bennet women are in a really delicate position. Their safety and continued financial security hangs on Mr. Bennetās faintest breath. It is in fact a conversation point several times that the girls are not educated enough to serve as governesses, but areĀ of too high a social status to expect marriage to a tradesman.Ā
The problem is that while Mrs. Bennet is certainly the only one in the Bennet household taking this issue seriously, sheās also gone too far in the opposite direction. The point of the Bennet marriage is that itās bad for both of them. Mr. Bennet married a beautiful, foolish woman and then didnāt live according to the economy he would have had to in order to leave her a tidy sum once he died. Mrs. Bennet held herself safe under the happy expectation that she would produce a son, who would inherit the estate and provide for her in her own age.
Once it became clear that wouldnāt happen (and remember Lydia is only fifteen when the book opens, so Mrs. Bennet might only have given up the idea that she would have a son possibly a decade before, when Jane was about twelve) Mrs. Bennet had to focus on her daughtersā marriages in order to ensure the familyās well-being. The problem is that she overcompensated beyond what the society she lives in found good form.Ā
Mrs. Bennet is a foolish, vain, nervous woman who is often called out in the narrative as an older woman with Lydiaās naturally foolish and selfish character. Her husband long ago realized heād someone for looks who he was incompatible with personality-wise. The readers (especially modern readers) see his neglect of family affairs readily, and his gentle (and at times less than gentle) mockery of his family (particularly his wife and his three youngest daughters). But importantly, Mrs. Bennet also is meant to come across as a lesson to the reader. A silly woman who married above her station (itās mentioned several times she secured the better marriage compared to her own sister) Mrs. Bennet doesnāt have the social graces she should have been expected to, as her husbandās wife.
This is an important plot point. Raising Mrs. Bennet up as the only Bennet aware of their impending doom as Mr. Bennet ages is important and adds depth to her matrimonial scheming on her daughtersā behalves. But vitally the way she goes about her work causes Mr. Darcy to hold the greatest of disdain for her and her family. Itās that disdain that helps induce him to persuade Mr. Bingley to leave Netherfield Park.Ā This isnāt truly questioned by Elizabeth, who understands that her motherās over-eager grasping immediately raised Mr. Darcyās concerns. Remember, at this time there was an abundance of women who were deliberately setting out to marry men of good fortune, and desperate to make themselves amiable enough to secure that marriage, regardless of their true feelings. Mr. Darcy (and honestly Mr. Bingley too should have known better) would have spent his entire later youth and then adulthood on the alert for women whose intentions were only for his wealth, and not for his happiness. Thatās important, especially after we see the great care Mr. Darcy takes with Pemberly and his dependents.Ā
Mrs. Bennetās desperation is understandable. Her character (grasping, foolish, too needy and nervous to understand the social graces she must display to appear acceptable to men of the station she wants her daughters to marry) isnāt virtuous. Mr. and Mrs. Bennet are intended by the narrative to stand as examples for what happens when people who are not of similar or compatible characters marry. Mr. Bennet grew so disillusioned with his wife that his reaction to his familyās financial insecurity is to make jokes and wave his wifeās concerns away as foolishness. Heās not really concernedĀ with the future of his female family members. Mrs. Bennet on the other hand, doted on for her beauty then ignored and trivialized after that beauty lost itās attraction, is left to indulge her worst impulses as she tries to snap up eligible young men for her daughters. Importantly, Mr. Wickham easily fools her as to his true character, even after he runs off with her daughter.Ā
While we look at Mrs. Bennetās desperation and find it both pitiable and understandable, that doesnāt mean that sheās the better person in the marriage. Ā These two people could have been better than who they became as they aged. The problem is that in their youth they found a spouse who wasnāt compatible with them, and their own character deficiencies were magnified in the marriage. Mr. and Mrs. Bennet are intended as a warning to the reader over marrying for shallow reasons (beauty for him, money for her). Character matters in a marriage, as does mutual compatibility.Ā
I feel like itās important also to acknowledge that while, yes, Mrs. Bennet pushing Mr. Collins on Elizabeth is completely understandable from a material point of view, itās also setting up a repeat of the Bennetās marriage that Mr. Bennet absolutely does not want for any of his daughters. Not just because Elizabeth would be unhappy, but because sheād be unhappy for the same reasons Mr. Bennet is unhappy with Mrs. Bennet.
Mr. Collins is repeatedly shown to be essentially the masculine equivalent of Mrs. Bennet: obsequious, social climbing, and utterly incapable of conducting himself in society without embarrassing himself and anyone connected to him. Charlotte is only able to handle the situation by either a) manipulating him so as to avoid him as much as possible or b) maintaining a stone cold poker face at all times:
When Mr. Collins said anything of which his wife might reasonably be ashamed, which certainly was not seldom, she involuntarily turned her eye on Charlotte. Once or twice she could discern a faint blush; but in general Charlotte wisely did not hear.
This is an objectively shitty situation for Charlotte to be in, but itās one she went into voluntarily, as the benefits (namely independence in running the house and having space of her own) outweigh the detriments for her. Lizzy would not be doing it voluntarily.
Sure, Mrs. Bennetās primary concern is making sure her daughters are not in poverty, but Mr. Bennetās is making sure theyāre not trapped in unhappy marriages for the rest of their lives. In both Jane and Lizzyās cases, he is only happy when he believes that theyāre choosing husbands of good character and compatible personality, and extremely upset if he thinks theyāre not. Compare his initial reaction to Bingleyās proposal (which comes after spending significant time with him, during which he confirms his good character and disposition) with Darcyās (which doesnāt):
Bingley was punctual to his appointment; and he and Mr. Bennet spent the morning together, as had been agreed on. The latter was much more agreeable than his companion expected. There was nothing of presumption or folly in Bingley that could provoke his ridicule, or disgust him into silence; and he was more communicative, and less eccentric, than the other had ever seen him. [ā¦]
He then shut the door, and, coming up to her, claimed the good wishes and affection of a sister. Elizabeth honestly and heartily expressed her delight in the prospect of their relationship. They shook hands with great cordiality; and then, till her sister came down, she had to listen to all he had to say of his own happiness, and of Janeās perfections; and in spite of his being a lover, Elizabeth really believed all his expectations of felicity to be rationally founded, because they had for basis the excellent understanding and super-excellent disposition of Jane, and a general similarity of feeling and taste between her and himself.
[ā¦] Mrs. Bennet could not give her consent, or speak her approbation in terms warm enough to satisfy her feelings, though she talked to Bingley of nothing else, for half an hour; and when Mr. Bennet joined them at supper, his voice and manner plainly showed how really happy he was.
Not a word, however, passed his lips in allusion to it, till their visitor took his leave for the night; but as soon as he was gone, he turned to his daughter and said,ā
āJane, I congratulate you. You will be a very happy woman.ā
Jane went to him instantly, kissed him, and thanked him for his goodness.
āYou are a good girl,ā he replied, āand I have great pleasure in thinking you will be so happily settled. I have not a doubt of your doing very well together. Your tempers are by no means unlike. You are each of you so complying, that nothing will ever be resolved on; so easy, that every servant will cheat you; and so generous, that you will always exceed your income.ā
Versus:
Her father was walking about the room, looking grave and anxious. āLizzy,ā said he, āwhat are you doing? Are you out of your senses to be accepting this man? Have not you always hated him?ā
How earnestly did she then wish that her former opinions had been more reasonable, her expressions more moderate! It would have spared her from explanations and professions which it was exceedingly awkward to give; but they were now necessary, and she assured him, with some confusion, of her attachment to Mr. Darcy.
āOr, in other words, you are determined to have him. He is rich, to be sure, and you may have more fine clothes and fine carriages than Jane. But will they make you happy?ā
āHave you any other objection,ā said Elizabeth, āthan your belief of my indifference?ā
āNone at all. We all know him to be a proud, unpleasant sort of man; but this would be nothing if you really liked him.ā
āI do, I do like him,ā she replied, with tears in her eyes; āI love him. Indeed he has no improper pride. He is perfectly amiable. You do not know what he really is; then pray do not pain me by speaking of him in such terms.ā
āLizzy,ā said her father, āI have given him my consent. He is the kind of man, indeed, to whom I should never dare refuse anything, which he condescended to ask. I now give it to you, if you are resolved on having him. But let me advise you to think better of it. I know your disposition, Lizzy. I know that you could be neither happy nor respectable, unless you truly esteemed your husband, unless you looked up to him as a superior. Your lively talents would place you in the greatest danger in an unequal marriage. You could scarcely escape discredit and misery. My child, let me not have the grief of seeing you unable to respect your partner in life. You know not what you are about.ā
Elizabeth, still more affected, was earnest and solemn in her reply; and, at length, by repeated assurances that Mr. Darcy was really the object of her choice, by explaining the gradual change which her estimation of him had undergone, relating her absolute certainty that his affection was not the work of a day, but had stood the test of many monthsā suspense, and enumerating with energy all his good qualities, she did conquer her fatherās incredulity, and reconcile him to the match.
āWell, my dear,ā said he, when she ceased speaking, āI have no more to say. If this be the case, he deserves you. I could not have parted with you, my Lizzy, to anyone less worthy.ā
Mr. Bennet clearly isnāt going to forbid Lizzy from marrying for money rather than love ā this is what he initially thinks is going on, and he gives consent to both Mr. Darcy and Lizzy anyway ā but he really, REALLY doesnāt want her to. He KNOWS what happens if you jump into a bad marriage for the wrong reasons, and he is going to try to talk her out of it by any means possible. He has to be convinced that her attraction isnāt a passing crush or a coldblooded bid for Darcyās wealth, but something real and capable of being maintained over time, and ONLY THEN is he truly okay with it.
Like, Mrs. Bennetās concerns are understandable and rational given her situation and that of the family, but so too are Mr. Bennetās given his own situation.
sometimes after you learn what your story is about, you resolve to write a thematically appropriate sequel. this, unfortunately, means you have another section to edit, and now your story means two things. maybe more. imagine.
Someone on Reddit keeps getting recommended the Jane Austen subreddit despite knowing nothing about Jane Austen, so they posted an Ask Me Anything. Best response so far:
Sorry JA, no longer a truth universally acknowledged.
Tumblr staff may not know how to make a functional website, but they sure know how to slap you in the face and give you whiplash on your dashboard as they humiliate your fellow man. I don't even care about BG3 and Tumblr still was like "Hey, you wanna see the BG3 porn about a blog you follow being eaten out while on their period? You're welcome!" I feel like Tumblr just threatened me to stay in line by using someone else as an example, help
If you're on the website: go to settings for your main blog, and if the following setting is turned off, your likes won't be shared:
If you're on the iOS app: open settings, scroll down to "Blog settings for (main blog name)", go into the "Pages" menu, and make sure the "Share posts you like" page is turned off:
I don't know what it looks like on non-iOS versions of the app, but hopefully this helps others find it!
When somebody shares a quote by a famous author like it's something the author personally said and believed, but you know it was actually spoken by a character you're not supposed to like... š
one time I saw on Pinterest a cutesy little pink flowery image with the quote āāas soon as I entered the house, I had singled you out as the companion of my future lifeā -Pride and Prejudiceā and like
so often i see p&p being marketed on the merit of its canonization as a classic alone. so this was fun to seeā¦ like itās just some random romance!! the description is so fun and silly. so basically it just actually reflects the real humor of austenās writing.
The goblin looked at the orc. The orc looked at the goblin. They both looked down at the crumpled shape of the Overlord, His Unholy Majesty, in his obsidian armor.
His final spasms had been mesmerizingly acrobatic. The fall down the steps leading up to his iron throne had pretzelled his body quite impressively, both arms folded behind his back and one leg bent at a jaunty angle.
The goblin looked at the orc. The orc looked at the goblin.
"Shit," said the goblin.
"Shit," said the orc.
"We're likely to get blamed for this," the goblin said. She walked over to the head of the glittering mangled heap and started pulling the helmet off.
"It's not our fault," the orc said. "It's hard to help someone choking when they wear two-hundred pounds of spiked armor at all times."
"Yeah, well," the goblin grunted. The helmet came free, and the bald head of the Overlord bounced on the stone with a hollow, coconut noise. "You know how it is in this bloody country - thieves get their heads cut off so they can't think about thieving, and all that." She fished in the Overlord's mouth with a finger and pulled out the obstructing olive on the end of her claw.
She popped it into her mouth and chewed. "What do you reckon they do for a regicide?" she said.
"We should run," the orc said. She had started bouncing her leg. "I hear that there's some places in the Alliance where they just kill you and let you stay dead. That's got to be nicer than what'll happen if we stay here."
The goblin started to nod - and then her gaze fell on the helmet.
It looked like a pineapple designed by a deranged blacksmith. It was all thorns and spikes and hard edges, as though the maker had been very determined to not let pigeons roost on it. The only bits that weren't solid iron were eyeholes. Nobody had ever seen the Overlord's face.
She held up the helmet and squinted from it to the orc. One of the thorns had been bent badly in the fall.
Nobody had ever seen the Overlord's face...
"Right," she muttered. "Right. Could work - or."
The orc had a sudden vision of the immediate future. "No," she said.
"I mean you're about his height-"
"No."
"It would just be for a-"
"Absolutely not."
"Just hear me out," the goblin said. "Outside of this room are two-thousand men and orcs and goblins who are absolutely gonzo about this man, and there's a whole country of them outside of the castle, and at any moment someone's going to walk in that door and see one dead tit in black armor and two unbelievably dead idiots next to him.
"Or." She tossed the helmet up like a basketball to the orc, who fumbled and tried to find somewhere to hold it that wasn't a knife's edge. "We chuck him out the window now, walk out the door in the armor, and ditch the armor as soon as nobody sees us."
The orc had started bouncing her leg again. "They'll know something's up the second I walk out of the room."
"No worries," said the goblin. "Leave that to me."
---
It had been a very strange year for the Empire.
Change had rolled across the land as slow and inevitable as a glacier. Roads and bridges carved the gray, blasted wildlands, and a number of social reforms had made the country a place where you could be miserable, yes, but miserable in comfort and safety, and that was an improvement.
Barely anyone got boiled alive in molten metal, and even if the disgusted sun never rose to light the Empire, at least you had a roof over your head to protect yourself from the acid rain.
"Your empire flourishes, Your Unholy Majesty," the magician said over her wine glass. She looked down from the tower's balcony over the gleaming stone battlements. Some work had been done to line the castle and surrounding city with sizzling, crackling alchemical lights at night. The whole thing glowed like something dangerously radioactive.
The suit of armor waved a languid, glittering gauntlet over to the goblin, who bowed.
"His Abominable Gloriousness Thanks You," the goblin recited. "The Prosperity Of His Empire Can Only Be Achieved Through The Prosperity Of His People."
"If I may be so bold, I am quite pleased that you had chosen to take my counsel under consideration," said the magician. "We have accomplished many things together."
Another wave. Another bow. "The Overlord, May His Presence Swallow The Sun And Stars, Thanks You As Well."
"It was quite gratifying to see you change your mind, after so many centuries of denial." The wine was swirled. "Tell me, what was it that finally gave you cause to listen to me?"
There was the slightest hesitation. The goblin's eyes flicked to the armor, then to the magician. She puffed out her chest. "Do you question the wisdom of His Austere Lugubriousness?" she asked.
The magician looked at the goblin. She looked at the armor. She tipped her head back and drank the wine too quickly.
She looked back at the armor. "I know you're the orc, you moron," she said.
The room went deathly still. An alchemical light fizzled.
The orc pulled off the helmet, sending long, untied hair down tangling, and said: "How could you possibly-"
"Because you're both idiots!" the magician said. The goblin jumped. The orc jumped with a noise like a dropped stove. "What kind of a plan was this?! If it wasn't for me, you would have been turned into fertilizer months ago."
She closed her eyes. She took a long, dramatic breath. She set the wine glass down on the balcony rail.
"How did the Overlord die?" she asked when she seemed like she had gotten a hold over herself.
"Choked on an olive," said the goblin.
"Threw his body out the window," said the orc.
"You don't have to mention the window," said the goblin.
"Right," said the orc. "Sorry."
The magician looked out over the city, hand curled thoughtfully under her nose. "Who knows about this?"
"Just us. And, uh. You. Apparently."
"And why did you accept my counsel?"
The orc blinked. "Sorry?"
"Why did you accept my counsel?" the magician repeated.
"Well," the orc said. "Well - you seemed like you had good ideas-"
"Great ideas!" the goblin said with an edge of desperation. "Don't know why the old bastard didn't listen to you!"
"Right - right," said the orc. "And when we figured we were stuck doing this - well, it just made sense, really."
The magician seemed to absorb this. She nodded. "All right," she said, striding between the two and grabbing the crystal decanter.
"Um," said the orc. "Sorry. What happens now?"
"What happens is that you two will continue to serve as Overlord," said the magician. "You will continue to take my counsel. We will continue to reform this bloody country, and gods willing, we will turn it into the crown jewel of the world by next Midwinter."
The orc looked at the goblin. The goblin looked at the orc.
"Really?" the goblin asked.
"Oh yes," said the magician. "I've worked hard to be counsel to the Overlord, and I have no reason to stop now. And besides-"
She looked the orc up and down with a deliberate slowness, poring over every microscopic detail, eyes tracing over every jagged line, and grinned like a panther.
"You look much better in the armor than he ever did," she said. Dark robes swirled like a becleavaged thundercloud, and she strode out through the high iron doors, decanter in hand.
The goblin looked at the orc. The orc looked at the goblin.
"Shit," said the goblin.
"Shit," said the orc.
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