Maeve's Monologue Archive

An archive of monologues that I have used or plan to use for auditions, and that you might find useful too.

[maeves-monologue-archive]

The Beams are Creaking: “I tried to kill Hitler.”

Show: The Beams are Creaking Playwright: Douglas Anderson Style: Contemporary Genre: Historical/Biographical Drama Length: 1-2 minutes

Character: Dietrich Bonhoeffer Gender: Male Age: Adult

Scene: Act II Setting: A Nazi prison cell

Context: This play is the true story of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the German theologian who defied the Nazis and ultimately led an assassination attempt against Hitler.

Just prior to the start of Act II, Dietrich has been arrested by the Gestapo after the assassination attempt. They now hold him in prison. He has made an ally of one of the prison guards, Knobloch. He has crafted an escape plan with Knobloch, but needs to come clean about his past first.

Knobloch. I... sit down. We haven’t time for the full story, although I imagine that while we’re in exile we’ll have plenty of time for chat. But I think if you’re willing to risk your life for me, you deserve some sort of explanation.

(He paces the cell)

The rumors are true. I tried to kill Hitler. My cohorts and I were very clever and very calculating, and though we failed we managed to cover our tracks quite nicely. And yet... a file has been discovered in Zossen. We had thought that it had been destroyed. That file documented all of my activities during the months before the attempted Putsch. I travelled the world seeking support; I collected and catalogued sympathetic persons; I helped draft outlines for assuming control of the government. So you see that if I remain here, I am a dead man. And the last thing Germany needs is another martyr. Does your offer still stand?

[maeves-monologue-archive]

My Cousin Vinny: “A little deer...”

Movie: My Cousin Vinny Actor: Marisa Tomei Style: Contemporary Genre: Comedy Length: 1-2 minutes

Character: Mona Lisa Vito Gender: Female Age: Adult

Setting: A hotel room

Context: Vinny, a lawyer and Mona’s boyfriend, has just revealed to her that he is probably going to be going hunting with another lawyer to get in his good graces. Mona is horrified.

Note: In the movie, Mona has an extremely strong Brooklyn accent.

A sweet, innocent, harmless, leaf-eating, doe-eyed little deer... Imagine you’re a deer. You’re prancing along, you get thirsty, you spot a little brook, you put your little deer lips down to the cool clear water... BAM! A fucking bullet rips off part of your head! Your brains are laying on the ground in little bloody pieces! Now I ask ya. Would you give a fuck what kind of pants the son of a bitch who shot you was wearing?

[maeves-monologue-archive]

Doctor Who: The 12th Doctor’s final speech

Show: Doctor Who Actor: Peter Capaldi Style: Contemporary Genre: Drama Length: 3-53-5  minutes

Character: The Doctor Gender: Male (or any) Age: Adult

Setting: Inside the TARDIS

Context: The Twelfth Doctor has reached the end of his life and is about to regenerate into his next incarnation.

Oh, there is is. Silly old universe. The more I save it the more it needs saving. It’s a tradmill.

(TARDIS noises)

Yes, yes I know they’ll get it all wrong without me.

(TARDIS noises)

Well, I suppose... one more lifetime won’t kill anyone. Well, except me.

(TARDIS noises)

You wait a moment, Doctor. Let’s get it right. I’ve got a few things to say to you. Basic stuff first.

Never be cruel, never be cowardly. And never eat pears! Remember -- hate is always foolish... and love is always wise.

Always try to be nice and never fail to be kind. Oh, and... and you mustn’t tell anyone your name. No one would understand it anyway. Except...

(He gasps, falls to the floor)

Except... children. Children can hear it. Sometimes -- if their hearts are in the right place, and the stars are too. Children can hear your name.

(Gasps, grunts more)

But nobody else. Nobody else. Ever.

(Pulls himself off the floor)

Laugh hard. Run fast. Be kind.

Doctor -- I let you go.

[maeves-monologue-archive]

The Princess Bride: “Unemployed in Greenland”

Movie: The Princess Bride Actor: Wallace Shawn Style: Contemporary Genre: Comedy Length: 1-2 minutes

Character: Vizzini Gender: Male (or any) Age: Adult

Scene: 11 Setting: A tiny isolated spot at the edge of Florin Channel

Context: Vizzini and his henchmen Inigo Montoya and Fezzik the giant have just captured Buttercup with the intention of starting a war between Florin and Guilder. Fezzik has just voiced an objection to killing Buttercup. Vizzini rounds on him.

Am I going mad or did the word “think” escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass.

INIGO: I agree with Fezzik.

(We only thought he was in a fury - now he’s getting really mad.)

Oh. The sot has spoken. What happens to her is not truly your concern -- I will kill her --

(louder)

And remember this -- never forget this --

(VIZZINI advances on FEZZIK and INIGO.)

(to INIGO) -- when I found you, you were so slobbering drunk you couldn’t buy brandy --

(now to FEZZIK) -- and you -- friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless -- Do you want me to send you back to where you were, unemployed in Greenland?

[maeves-monologue-archive]

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead: “We’re actors! Not people!”

Show: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead Playwright: Tom Stoppard Style: Contemporary Genre: Tragic Comedy Length: 1-2 minutes

Character: The Player Gender: Male (or any) Age: Adult

Scene: Act II Setting: A street in Brighton, England

Context: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern have arrived at Elsinore to meet their friend Hamlet. Hamlet has invited a group of travelling actors (the Tragedians) to perform at the castle - they are to perform for him the following evening.

In the first act, Ros and Guil abandoned the Player and the rest of the Tragedians. This monologue comes during their reunion - the Player is angry about being left behind.

Note: This monologue could be cut into two - either the first part (before Rosencrantz speaks) or the second (after he speaks) could be done on their own.

There we are - demented children mincing about in clothes that no one ever wore, speaking as no man ever spoke, swearing love in wigs and rhymed couplets, killing each other with wooden swords, hollow protestations of faith hurled after empty promises of vengeance - and every gesture, every pose, vanishing into the thin unpopulated air. We ransomed our dignity to the clouds, and the uncomprehending birds listened.

(He rounds on them.)

Don’t you see?! We’re actors - we’re the opposite of people!

(They recoil nonplussed, his voice calms.)

Think, in your head, now, think of the most... private... secret... intimate... thing you have ever done secure in the knowledge of its privacy...

(He gives them - and the audience - a good pause.)

Are you thinking of it?

(He strikes with his voice and his head.)

Well, I saw you do it!

ROSENCRANTZ: You never! It’s a lie!

We’re actors... We pledged our identities, secure in the conventions of our trade; that someone would be watching. And then, gradually, no one was. We were caught, high and dry. It was not until the murder’s long soliloquy that we were able to look around; frozen we were in the profile, our eyes searched you out, first confidently, then hesitantly, then desperately as each patch of turf, each log, each exposed corned in every direction proved uninhabited, and all the while the murderous King addressed the horizon with his dreary interminable guilt... Our heads began to move, wary as lizards, the corpse of unsullied Rosalinda peeped through his fingers, and the King faltered. Even then, habit and a stubborn trust that our audience spied upon us from behind the nearest bush, forced our bodies to blinder on long after they had emptied of meaning, until like runaway carts they dragged to a halt. No one came forward. No one shouted at us. The silence was unbreakable, it imposed itself upon us; it was obscene.

We took off our crowns and swords and cloth of gold and moved silent on the road to Elsinore.

[maeves-monologue-archive]

One Man, Two Guvnors: Dolly’s Monologue

Show: One Man, Two Guvnors Playwright: Richard Bean Style: Contemporary Genre: Comedy/Farce Length: 1-2 minutes

Character: Dolly Gender: Female Age: Adult

Scene: Act II, scene 1 Setting: A street in Brighton, England

Context: Dolly has just watched Pauline Clench and Alan Dangle argue about Alan’s perception of Pauline’s relationship with “Roscoe” Crabbe (who is secretly Roscoe’s twin sister Rachel in disguise - Pauline knows this, Alan does not). Alan has just accused Pauline of being unfaithful to him, and Pauline, in a typical act of dramatics, seizes Alan’s knife and states that she will kill herself rather than live a life without him.

Note: If performing this with an accent, Dolly is written to be from the north of England.

He’s not worth it love. He’d stand there and watch you do it, and not raise a finger. Look at him. You’re not the great romantic lover are you? You’re a bit of a twat. Let me give you some advice. Men, they’ll do anything to get you into bed. Lie, cheat, buy you a bed. And the tragedy is once they’ve had you, they’ll never want you quite as much ever again. (Aside) Don’t take notes girls, there’s a handout at the end. [...] You want to watch your tongue young man, slagging us women off. It’s 1963, there’s a revolution coming. I predict in twenty years’ time there’ll be a woman in Ten Downing Street, yeah, and she won’t be doing the washing up. Then you’ll see exactly what women can do. You’ll see a more just and fair society. The feminine voice of compassion for the poor will be the guiding principle of government, and there’ll be an end to foreign wars.

[maeves-monologue-archive]

The Comedy of Errors: “His company must do his minions grace”

Show: The Comedy of Errors Playwright: William Shakespeare Style: Shakespeare Genre: Comedy Length: 1-2 minutes

Character: Adriana Gender: Female Age: Young adult, Adult

Scene: II, i Setting: Adriana and Antipholus of Ephesus’s house

Context: Adriana speaks to her sister, Luciana. Adriana is anxiously awaiting the return of her husband, and his slave, who she sent out after him.

His company must do his minions grace, Whilst I at home starve for a merry look. Hath homely age the alluring beauty took From my poor cheek? then, he hath wasted it: Are my discourses dull? barren my wit? If voluble and sharp discourse be marr’d, Unkindness blunts it more than marble hard: Do their gay vestments his affections bait? That’s not my fault; he’s master of my state: What ruins are in me that can be found By him not ruin’d? then is he the ground Of me defeatures. My decayed fair A sunny look of his would soon repair; But, too unruly deer, he breaks the pale And feeds from home: poor I am but his stale.

Luciana: Self harming jealousy! fie! beat it hence.

Unfeeling fools can such with wrongs dispense. I know his eye doth homage otherwhere, Or else what lets it but he would be here? Sister you know he promis’d me a chain: Would that alone, alone he would detain, So he would keep fair quarter with his bed! I see, the jewel best enamelled Will lose his beauty; and though gold bides still That others touch, yet often touching will Wear gold; and no man that hath a name, By falsehood and corruption doth it shame. Since that my beauty cannot please his eye, I’ll weep what’s left away, and weeping die.

[maeves-monologue-archive]

Angels in America: “People who are lonely...”

Show: Angels in America (Part One: Millennium Approaches) Playwright: Tony Kushner Style: Contemporary Genre: Drama/Comedy Length: 1-2 minutes

Character: Harper Gender: Female (or any) Age: Young adult

Setting: Harper’s home

Context: Harper is at home, alone. She is listening to the radio and talking to herself, as she often does. She speaks to the audience.

People who are lonely, people left alone, sit talking nonsense to the air, imagining... beautiful systems dying, old fixed orders spiraling apart...

When you look at the ozone layer, from outside, from a spaceship, it looks like a pale blue halo, a gentle, shimmering aureole encircling the atmosphere encircling the earth. Thirty miles above our heads, a thin layer of three-atom oxygen molecules, product of photosynthesis, which explains the fussy vegetable preference for visible light, its rejection of darker rays and emanations. Danger from without. It’s a kind of a gift, from God, the crowning touch to the creation of the world; guardian angels, hands linked, make a spherical net, a blue-green nesting orb, a shell of safety for life itself. But everywhere, things are collapsing, lies surfacing, systems of defense giving way... This is why, Joe, this is why I shouldn’t be left alone.

I’d like to go travelling. Leave you behind to worry. I’ll send postcards with strange stamps and tantalizing messages on the back. “Later maybe.” “Nevermore...”

[maeves-monologue-archive]

The Merchant of Venice: “The quality of mercy is not strained.”

Show: The Merchant of Venice Playwright: William Shakespeare Style: Shakespeare Genre: Drama Length: 1-2 minutes

Character: Portia Gender: Female Age: Young adult

Scene: IV, i Setting: The court

Context: Antonio stands trial in a Venetian court of justice. The plaintiff is Shylock, a Jewish merchant. Antonio and Shylock are bitter enemies and in return for wrongs done against him by Antonio Shylock demands a pound of flesh. Portia, dressed as a man, steps up in Antonio’s defense.

The quality of mercy is not strained. It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven Upon the place beneath. It is twice blessed: It blesseth him that gives and him that takes. ‘Tis mightiest in the mightiest. It becomes The thronèd monarch better than his crown. His scepter shows the force of temporal power, The attribute to awe and majesty Wherein doth sit he dread and fear of kings, But mercy is above this sceptered sway. It is enthronèd in the hearts of kings. It is an attribute of God himself. And earthly power doth then show likest God’s When mercy seasons justice. Therefore, Jew, Though justice be thy plea, consider this-- That in the course of justice none of us Should see salvation. We do prat for mercy, And that same prater doth teach us all to render The deeds of mercy. I have spoke thus much To mitigate the justice of thy plea, Which if thou follow, this strict court of Venice Must needs give sentence ‘gainst the merchant there.

[maeves-monologue-archive]

Much Ado About Nothing: “The Oyster Monologue”

Show: Much Ado About Nothing Playwright: William Shakespeare Style: Shakespeare Genre: Comedy Length: 3-5 minutes

Character: Benedick Gender: Male Age: Young adult

Scene: II, iii Setting: The garden

Context: The garden on the grounds of Leonato’s estate. Messina, Sicily.

I do much wonder that one man, seeing how much another man is a fool when he dedicates his behaviors to love, will, after he hath laughed at such shallow follies in other, become the argument of his own scorn by falling in love: and such a man is Claudio. I have known when there was no music with him but the drum and the fife; and now had he rather hear the tabour and the pipe: I have known when he would have walked ten mile a-foot to see a good armor; and now will he lie ten nights awake, carving the fashion of a new doublet. He was wont to speak plain and to the purpose, like an honest man and a soldier; and now he is turned orthography; his words are a very fantastical banquet, just so many strange dishes. May I be so converted and see with these eyes? I cannot tell; I think not: I will not be sworn, but love may transform me to an oyster; but I’ll take my oath on it, till he have made an oyster of me he shall never make me such a fool. One woman is fair, yet I am well; another is wise, yet I am well; another virtuous, yet I am well; but till all graces be in one woman, one woman shall not come in my grace. Rich she shall be, that’s certain; wise, or I’ll none; virtuous, or I’ll never cheapen her; fair, or I’ll never look on her; mild, or come not near me; noble, or not I for an angel; of good discourse, an excellent musician, and her hair shall be of what color it please God. Ha! the prince and Monsieur Love! I will hide me in the arbor.

[maeves-monologue-archive]

Eurydice: “Orpheus never liked words...”

Show: Eurydice Playwright: Sarah Ruhl Style: Contemporary Genre: Dramedy Length: 1-2 minutes

Character: Eurydice Gender: Female Age: Teenager/Young Adult

Scene: Second Movement, Scene 16 Setting: The String Room in the Underworld

Context: Eurydice has reconnected with her dead Father in the Underworld. 

Orpheus never liked words. He had his music. He would get a funny look on his face and I would say what are you thinking about and he would always be thinking about music.

If we were in a restaurant, sometimes I would get embarrassed because Orpheus looked sullen and wouldn’t talk to me and I thought people felt sorry for me. I should have realized that women envied me. Their husbands talked too much.

But I wanted to talk to him about my notions. I was working on a new philosophical system. It involved hats.

This is what it is to love an artist: The moon is always rising above your house. The houses of your neighbors look dull and lacking in moonlight. But he is always going away from you. Inside his head there is always something more beautiful.

Orpheus said the mind is a slide ruler. It can fit around anything. Words can mean anything. Show me your body, he said. It only means one thing.

(She looks at her father, embarrassed for revealing too much.)

Or maybe two or three things. But only one thing at a time.