Yikes @magpie-chatterings - Tumblr Blog

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fidelcostco

everyone here has experienced the surreal drink description page of dominos’ online ordering right

unclefather

There is nothing to say about Dr Pepper

haaaaaaaaaaaave-you-met-ted

Dr Pepper’s greatness needs no introduction

spockvarietyhour

we legally cannot say anything about dr pepper.

airandangels

doctor-patient confidentiality

pour one out

When I was a kid, my mom was a judge and my dad was starting his solo practice, and they both worked full time. There were four of us kids between the ages of one and seven (the Just Us League) and no decent daycares nearby, so they hired a nanny. She had three almost-adult children, and on days when she couldn’t work, one of her kids would substitute. The oldest kid was named Bob, age 18, and he had just finished army basic training when this all went down. Bob did not have the good sense god gave a rock.

I have an older brother, Jake, who was seven; then me, Hellen, age five, then Seth, age three, and my little sister Gin would have been one. It was late August, and we were at our nanny’s house, though she was gone for the day. Bob was in charge.

Bob should probably not have been in charge.

Bob tried keeping us entertained with board games and tag and movies. Gin took a nap. Eventually he decided to get creative, and sat us down in the living room with a game and vanished into the garage. There was a smashing sound. And then some saw noises. And then some hammering. And then we saw him going around the house to the back yard through the windows, though we were too short to see what he was doing. And finally, he yelled to us to come out into the driveway.

Jake and Seth and I trooped out. Bob had both hands behind his back. He stepped up to Jake and revealed what he had in his right hand.

It was a wooden sword. It was clearly made from what appeared to be parts of a chair’s legs, cut down and nailed together. He presented this, and announced, “You are Sir Jake, the strongest knight!”

He stepped up to Seth and presented what was in his left hand. It was another wooden sword, smaller than the first, also crudely made out of chair legs. He announced, “You are Sir Seth, the bravest knight!”

At this point, I was practically vibrating in place, waiting eagerly for my sword so I could use it to whale on my brothers, as god intended me to do. I was therefore understandably disappointed to be presented with the business end of a garden hose and told, “You are Miss Hellen, the Water Fairy!”

“No,” I said. “I want a sword.”

Bob was confused. “But you get water magic! Magic’s great!”

“No.” I repeated, holding the hose. It had a spray nozzle set to jet. “I want a sword.”

“Magic’s great. Magic’s better than a sword.” Bob insisted. “You’ll see. Wait here a moment.”

And then Bob ran around the side of house and vanished.

We stood in the driveway. Jake and Seth poked each other with their swords. I spritzed them idly with the hose, trying to decide which of them would be easier to steal a sword from.

And then we heard a quiet wooshing noise, and smelled smoke.

We turned. As we watched, a line of fire rushed around the corner of the house, consuming a path of gasoline poured into the dry August grass.

We paused and considered this for a few moments. I raised the hose and sprayed a jet of water at the fire. It went out. We glanced at each other. Then we took off running, following the trail of fire, spraying as we went.

The fire led in a path around the house to the back yard. As we turned the corner, we saw Bob, clad in a bathrobe and holding a curtain rod, standing in the center of a large ring of burning grass. He cackled manically. “I am the FIRE WIZARD! Your puny swords are useless! Nothing but water magic can defeat me!”

I promptly blasted him with the hose. He spluttered. The fire did not go out.

I turned the hose on the fire itself, spraying a section close to us so that it would extinguish. As soon as there was enough room, Jake charged forward, brandishing his chair leg sword with a battle cry. Seth, always happy to be included, followed. They ran into the circle and began beating Bob around the kneecaps with their swords. I kept spraying.

Eventually, Bob the Fire Wizard was brought down and all the fire was extinguished. Seth and Jake continued to work on bruising Bob’s shins, and I quickly discarded the hose to lend my fists and extremely pointy elbows to the cause. Bob lay in the smoldering grass, probably regretting using such sturdy chair legs.

Once we’d all tired ourselves out and lay panting in a heap, Bob decided it was time for the moral of the story. “You see, a sword is nothing compared to the power of a little girl with **magic**.”

We thought about this for a few moments. Bob nodded wisely. Jake and Seth nodded back.

“I still want a sword.” I said.

hellenhighwater

there’s a lot of people in the tags and replies expressing several concerns, which I will address:

“Where was Gin?” She was sleeping in a crib on the sunporch. We did this a lot–played outside while she napped–because we could hear her if she woke up and started crying, but were less likely to wake her up. She slept through the whole thing and was totally fine.

“You can’t put out a gasoline fire with water.” At the time, my little kid brain assumed that any flammable liquid was gas, but in retrospect it could have been almost anything. It very well may have been something other than gasoline. All I know is I could extinguish it with a garden hose.

“What did your parents say?” A lot of swear words at a very high volume.

“Did you get a sword?” Yes. Lots. Here are a couple of them, and also my pet ringneck dove, Arson. You can see how this all may have had some lasting effect on me.

messruksi

Is that a real bird?? :0

hellenhighwater

Yes, she’s real. This is Arson, her mate, Larceny, and their idiot children, Forgery and Fraud.

Arson lives her life constantly wishing she had opposable thumbs so she could light fires.

charleewritesabook

What a ride

draskireis

The absolute mania of naming your pets after felonies.

hellenhighwater

thrilled to report that that was also me

worldheritagepostorganization

World Heritage Post

solarsyrup

Still blows my mind how quickly capitalism self-destructed streaming tv

Like netflix rejuvenated a dying market and made it way more afforadable and accessible, and then... everyone needed a slice of the pie and fucked the whole thing up

Incredible

solarsyrup

An actual genius: What if we made television convenient and inexpensive again?

Corporations: What if we milked this money cow until it fucking DIED

insomniac-arrest

Valentine’s day is NOT a day for lovers, couples, or people in relationships. Valentine’s day is exclusively for elementary school students who each buy their entire class cute little cards with cartoon characters on them, messily scrawl their classmates names there as an act of love, and give them a tiny little candy packet.

that is the height of the holiday.

shiftythrifting

Found at Goodwill in Lancaster, Ohio

dragon-noises

food when it goes into the microwave

shrimpy-in-wonderland

Some Queenie fo today

sapphicgardensinmymind

i’ve never seen a mouse that looks so much like a mouse before

great-and-small

She looks like she belongs on the cover of a beloved illustrated children’s book 🥺

purpledragonfollower

Why the hell is my first Minecraft impulse of the year to turn all lanterns into lava lamps??

purpledragonfollower

eheeeeheheheh lava lamp

purpledragonfollower

EHEEHEHEHEHHEEEH LAVA LAMPS

cwunch

that1cameraguy-deactivated20180

Goth Gay meets Fem Gay

elizabethrobertajones

good news:

they’re girlfriends

kagaintheskywithdiamonds

lesbeons

moki-dokie

i spit out my water thank you

felidform

petite-ursus

Somewhere between (งಠ_ಠ)ง and ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ every day.

jasmerripen

Ah the ever elusive ¯\_( ಠ_ಠ)_/¯

no-i-know-her

I’m more like (งツ)ง tbh.

greed-the-dorkalicious

Honestly, the Elric brothers have a very realistic sibling relationship as far as fiction goes because 1. they love each other and aren’t afraid to be friends unlike cartoons where siblings seem to hate each other for literally no reason other than being siblings but also,

Al can go from “My big brother is the best coolest most smartest person in the world and yeah maybe he makes mistakes sometimes but he’s trying his best, I want to be just like him when I grow up” to “Ed? Lmao, he’s a bitch. Just an absolute moron. Pathetic. I’m waaaay cooler than him and also taller. Sorry, what’d you say brother? I couldn’t hear you all the way down there? Did you guys hear something? Anyway Ed has the tackiest fashion sense of anyone in the world and we should all shame him for it”

And at the same time Ed can either be like “Al is a Baby and I have to protect him, he needs me, I must be the strong and responsible one because Al is small and soft and shouldn’t have to face the horrors of reality” or “Yeah, Al’s the most capable person in this entire room, I trust him more than I trust myself and probably the only reason he hasn’t kicked all your asses by now is because he doesn’t feel like it lmao”

guerrillatech

"Hey so it turns out that the people of earth accidentally did a global experiment to see if every individual could course correct climate change through mass personal change of habits, and it turns out, no! We can't! It was massive corporate activity all along!"