malted-shark

27/F She/her. In college for Vet Tech. Way too in to birds to be healthy. Trash memer. Lover of cute things. Mental health awareness advocate, Anklyosing Spondylitis awareness advocate.

[crimewave420]

me: today i will play video game

*turns on video game*

me: 

[notallmensheviks]

this person’s response to being constantly assaulted by their own cats is to hide inside an enclosed tent in their living room

[kaijuno]

Also being a scientist pretty much gives you a free pass to be as eccentric as you want like you’ll be at a conference and it’s like “is that guy wearing socks and sandals and plaid pants???” “Ya but he was on the team that discovered gravitational waves let him be”

[inthisquarter]

I once saw a highly-respected mineralogist take a slice of watermelon, put it between the two halves of a bagel, and eat it like a sandwich.

[shityouhearatvetschool]

I can think of at least one odd personality trait of every single academic member of staff at vet school 😂

[webscene-remade]

answered a scam call today and had the most bizarre conversation

[webscene-remade]

scam caller: hello, how are you today?

me: great!

scam caller: good. I’m calling because your IP address has been compromised. I’ll just need you to get in front of your computer so we can get your account fixed up.

me: okay! there is one thing I’m wondering, though

scam caller: what?

me: you really couldn’t think of a better lie?

scam caller:

me: like, my “IP address has been compromised.” How, exactly, does an IP address become “compromised”?

scam caller:

me: I was just wondering, is all

scam caller: why did you answer?

me:

me: what?

scam caller: if you knew this wasn’t a legitimate call, then why did you answer?

me: oh, I just though I would have some fun at your expense.

scam caller: what expense? talking is no expense to me.

me: well, you’re currently not accomplishing your goal

scam caller: my goal?

me: your goal of scamming my elderly grandmother. You’re not accomplishing that. I’d call that an expense.

scam caller: well, can I scam you?

me:

me: did you- did you ask if you can scam me?

scam caller: yes. can I scam you?

me, baffled: sure, you can try

scam caller: you need to get in front of your computer

me: yeah, that’s still a problem. I’m eating tater tots right now and I really don’t feel like getting up.

scam caller: okay. I will call you tomorrow morning, then.

me: I might not answer. My grandma definitely won’t.

scam caller: You answered today.

me: …touché?

scam caller: I will call you tomorrow. Have a good day.

[marioyuri-moved-to-transkaito]

Enemies to lovers, slow burn, 500K

[lesbianshepard]

the absolute fucking height of comedy is scientists and scholars getting into fights over incredibly niche subjects. the idea of nerds in labcoats and suits getting close to blows over something that only like 20 people care about is so funny. 

[lesbianshepard]

this is what real comedy looks like

[strangehorse]

[ID: text reading ‘The Milton scholars screamed and argued about how the serpent was supposed to move before it crawled on its belly. Dr. Matthews, enraged that Dr. Goldstein could believe the serpent bounced on the coiled end of its tail, flipped over the conference table. “Satan is not a fucking pogo stick!” he howled.’]

[libertarirynn-deactivated202006]

👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

[duke-of-derpington]

King

[risenteh]

How does a dude end up with anorexia though? I’m assuming he’s straight…

[libertarirynn-deactivated202006]

What an ignorant ass question. Men are not immune to eating disorders, and neither are heterosexuals. Seriously what the hell kind of question is that?

[emmaubler]

This is what happens when we ignore men and boys in the body image discussion–people can’t conceive of men and boys having eating disorders.  They can and do, so their issues need attention and support, the same as women and girls.

Anyway, I’m glad this guy is on the road to recovery and looking stronger.

[heartbeatemoji]

hint: if a person with clinical depression and anxiety says theyre tired …. dont tell them they have no reason to be …. bc guess what….. They Know and Its Shitty

[meowtian]

Louder!!!

[kucala]

I just want to add one thing-

If you have depression or anxiety? you’re not tired for no reason.

You’re tired because you have depression/anxiety.

Not only do they both come with low energy/fatigue as a legit common side effect, but they’re both fucking /exhausting/. fighting your brain all the time? exhausting. adrenaline crashes from anxiety/panic attacks? exhausting. being on edge all the time? exhausting. plus doing things costs /more/ energy when you have those mental illnesses.

You’re not tired for no reason, you’re tied because you have an illness that makes you tired.

[manymoonsago]

I needed to hear this so bad that it made me cry

[strangehorse]

i love ‘difficult’ women

[strangehorse]

i love insane women and old hags and basic teenage bitches and crazy ex-girlfriends and bitter old ladies and spinsters and whatever the fuck else they want to call us. i love women who aren’t women ‘correctly’ so very much

[lookatthesefuckingbirds]

[oneheadtoanother]

[dragon-in-a-fez]

well since no one else is going to perform this vital public service here are some reviews of the top ten gun violins on google, by a violist who has shot a gun like twice.

3/10. strings seem to disappear and there are no tuning pegs. impossible to aim as a gun because violin body gets in the way. 3 points for classic black finish, never goes out of style for murders at the symphony.

0/10. same aiming problem as the last one and with strings that short the sound you produce will kill people on its own so why have a gun. also seems to be cut like you’re supposed to shoulder-mount it like a rocket launcher, which is a terrible idea with this kind of gun.

6/10. looks like they’ve gone for an electric violin which is a great choice! it fits the aesthetic and you don’t need to worry about the instrument body this way. heavy, but the weight is concentrated near the chin so should be fine for short sessions. tuning pegs are directly in the firing line so using the gun destroys the violin, only fire as a last resort.

2/10. not fit for either purpose. stupid fake gun gets in the way of the bow, and there’s no sound chamber at all. plus, where do you even put your shoulder. 2 points because I guess you could put it on your wall as a weird art piece.

8/10. finally someone is thinking this through! the retractable barrel and folding fingerboard offer good flexibility and the bridge even doubles as a handy iron sight! needs to be de-strung to fire, so limited on-the-fly mode switching.

1/10. firing the guns will absolutely annihilate the scroll but you might as well because it would have terrible sound anyway. 1 point for thinking of left-handed violinists for once.

-4/10. not even a gun, just a violin that lets you scope the audience for dramatic effect.

5/10. useful if you want to shoot yourself and the conductor at the same time, which is frequently a mood.

6/10. he a little confused, but he got the spirit. technically works as both weapon and instrument but be VERY careful putting it under your chin if you haven’t unloaded the bolt.

-100000/10 what the fuck

[valtsv]

aesthetic: those landscape photos that look like they were taken on another planet in deep space

[valtsv]

[peachy-beauty]

you need to give yourself permission to be happy now. not when you lost weight, not when you found your soulmate, not when you have more money. we seek excitement from future events, but once those goals are met, the temporary pleasures will pass and they will be replaced by the next fantasy. devote your full attention to your inner self and appreciate being in the moment. happiness is never external, but a way of living and appreciating life. it’s not reality, just the way you perceive it. so go and shift your focus from the outcome to watching yourself grow.

[taviacw]

My upstairs neighbor is having really loud sex at 10:25am. And, while this feels like retaliation, I can only hope it mellows her out and she stops stomping around all the goddamn time

[taviacw]

Wow in the time it took me to type up and tag this post, the sex started and ended…… she’ll prolly be vacuuming soon. 🙁

[taviacw]

It’s 10:29 and the sex has ended. I am v sad for her

[taviacw]

I feel like I jinxed her. Like her nigga follows me on here and saw this post, mid thrust, and got performance anxiety. I’m sorry, Upstairs Stomping Bitch.

[taviacw]

There’s stomping. She’s up and moving around. And you know what….. I can’t even be mad anymore. If I was only getting fucked for seven minutes at a time, I’d stomp around too.

[taviacw]

Y’all she’s showing tf out. She’s really up there like

[taviacw]

Damn I just heard her door close and then footsteps coming down the stairs. He left 😭😭😭 he’s not even gonna try again.

[taviacw]

I’m gonna need ear plugs for the level of stomping this is bound to cause. When her feet inevitably crash through my ceiling ima just look through the hole and be like “hi…. sorry you didn’t get fucked down this morning. Even tho you filed a noise complaint on me that one time, I was rooting for you.”

[taviacw]

Update y’all: it’s 3:10pm and she is vacuuming THE FUCK out of the hardwood flooring

[taviacw]

But then like, that really does sound like something ppl that are in need of orgasm do. Just extremely unnecessary cleaning, to take their mind off the lack of sexual release.

[taviacw]

I can see the text conversation now.

“I heard Aaron came over last nightttt. Whatd you guys get up to???👀👀👀😏”

“Not much. Oh! But, I did finally get a chance to mop my bathtub tho!!🤗 It was a mess in there, so thank god.”

“😬😔”

[taviacw]

It’s 12:26am and she is getting her back blown tf outttt. Cannot be the same nigga from earlier.

[taviacw]

I have the strong urge to knock the broom against the ceiling and holler out “yaaas bitch get some bomb ass dick” but I don’t wanna fuck up the vibe

[taviacw]

Nvm. It lasted from 12:20-12:28. It’s the same nigga.

[taviacw]

She better not start stomping or cleaning. I’ll file a noise complaint so fucking fast. Imagine getting a noise complaint for shitty sex. Don’t do it, Stomping Upstairs Bitch

[adorn88]

what a ride

[taviacw]

Not for her, apparently.

[thealphapigeon]

Ya’ll talk about the Mom Friend and the Older Sibling Friend but I hear nothing about the Goblin Friend

Eats food up off the floor screaming something about the five second rule

Sweatpants count as a look

Throws everything in a pile on the nearest surface as soon as they’re home

“Haha that’s gross let me see”

Hoards of some sort. Mugs, pens, notebooks, anything

Sitting in a dark room for hours wrapped up in seven blankets in front of a laptop unblinking

Makes weird noise effects to express emotions

Laying on random surfaces

[viralthings]

The more you look at this picture, the more anxious it becomes.

[chandra-nalaar]

this is just a normal waffle house

[kayas-wife]

there is a bloody handprint on the door

[commandtower-solring-go-deactiv]

There is somethung under the counter with the cups

[ezurad]

Blind man reading news paper Skull in the coffee

[hiringdreamers-deactivated20200]

Milk is $15

[captaindeadpoet]

Lady’s hand is a tentacle

[bluesey-182]

the bleeding pie, the eyeball and fingers on the blind man’s plate…

[sapphire-crimson-claw-archive-d]

I was trying to find something nobody else had seen yet, when I realized…

Look right above the tentacle arm. The second man at the buffet, what the hell is he doing? He’s either throwing up or eating an octopus.

[asymbina]

I think his face is just tentacles.

[kakaphoe]

The blind man has gills.

[of-another-broken-heart]

Scariest detail: this image was ripped from the creator’s site and vandalized (edited to remove the watermark), then reuploaded for viral fame without so much as a mention of the artist’s name. SOURCE: http://jeffleejohnson.deviantart.com/art/Blue-Plate-Special-661961724 That said, the earlier observation about milk being $15 is off - artist confirms this is based on a 1920’s diner, so the price would be in cents. (http://comments.deviantart.com/1/661961724/4375070065) The table under the journal is lacquered with ants. The person holding the skull-creamed coffee paints the underside of their nails. Either that or their natural nails grow red. The journal’s writing, intentionally made hard to read and partially obscured, is somewhat of a cheat to all the things amiss in the scene. (http://comments.deviantart.com/1/661961724/4372574544) I can make out: “… and eyeball … have to think he is less strange than the horrifying creature that seems to have inhabited the cabinet behind him … all tentacles and teeth … (obscured by cup) … Where in the world can be found such nightmares?!”

[kakaphoe]

Reblogging for the correct source (I didn’t even notice the OP wasn’t the artist oops).

[a-small-bowl-of-noodles]

There’s a second one, and there’s even more in this

[schiwalker]

AAAHH, cool, but AAAAAHHHH

[sasukepositive-deactivated20191]

every shonen character: i’m 11 and i dont care if i die

[ursquirmingbeeschurger]

I mean have you ever met an 11 year old

[obligatory-name-change]

11 year olds have the self preservation of someone who has met god and wasn’t impressed

[teaboot]

Me at 16, doing my best: Hey bruh stay inside ok there’s a bear in the yard

My brother, 11, an absolute dumbfuck: (strolling right out the front door) You’re not my boss