Maori Spectrum of Souls

[maorimaorii]

Tender

As I fear to be held responsible for my own avoidance. As solitude, a realm so intoxicating, becomes an addiction of its own.

A small voice lingers, whispering in my ear What will you do? If there’s no one left to disappear?

Time is creeping giving me a restless feeling ticking, TICKING. As if footsteps are growing louder behind me

A slithering tongue, licking at my earlobe Hurry up! You will be left behind! There will be nothing but blank space a heavy and thick atmosphere.

Will the comfort turn into a weight I cannot bear? No familiar smell will ever reach me again

Is it being alone that unsettles you? Or the sole ache of never having felt the tender weight of a gaze softening in love as it rests upon you?

@maorimaorii

[maorimaorii]

Sinner.

If only you knew how deep-rooted the shame feels. Sunk deeply, ingrown into my being. Sometimes thinking about what I'd done, was considered a sin itself. As if no word was uttered, no image relived, could undo anything.

Shame can make any person shrink to the smallest version of themselves. I think shame was the only thing I had left. A burden so heavy, when I uttered the words, I think I could cry for days without it feeling any less crushing.

I used to be so hungry. I ate lies for breakfast. My stomach shriveled in the process, there wasn't anything else I could keep down. Yet it felt so heavy, as if I was filled with a stone-cold, heavy material.

Days and days with another entity living inside my body. I could not feel, I couldn't move. Mornings became unreasonably early because thoughts came before my alarm clock. Anger came way too late. Forgetting myself first.

The shame is rooted so deeply, I forgot to forgive myself. I forgot I was human. I was allowed to be here, to make mistakes. The shame was swallowed down so intensely, I forgot I wasn't alone. It shouldn't have been only my burden to carry.

I'm allowed to take up space. Even if it means I'll be left here alone. If anything, the thing I should be most ashamed of, is not allowing myself to be.

@maorimaorii

[maorimaorii]

Amalgamated

How I’d want to show you what’s inside. But all I’ve learned, is keeping myself alive.

Showing too much will skin you. Caring will drown you with no end.

How I’d want you to know what’s really there. I try and try but sometimes nothing comes out.

Anger feels like comfort and guessing my second nature. I’ve always known I’ve had to walk around silently.

I see your beautiful colours. It makes me feel so safe. Warmth wrapped around me.

It scares me. I don’t want to end at the bottom of the sea again. Wondering where you are.

How is it possible. I can feel your soul reaching for me. And I’m leaning in.

We fused. Mixed our colours. And I haven’t felt this warm in so long.

I want to show you what’s within. Please tell me you like our colours aswell. If you would pull away parts of me would disappear. And it may be all that’s left of me.

@maorimaorii

[maorimaorii]

Forced to sit with what others have done to us.

My heart is aching. For something it repels, despises and rejects. Self-destruction should’ve been tattooed on the sole of my foot when I emerged from the womb.

Eyes big with wonder, awaiting nothing but conflict with everything within me.

If I could I might have twisted the fates. Erased things from my path. Maybe reversed my existence from this very world.

But here we are. Forced to sit, with what others have done to us. Unable to distinguish reality from screams.

I felt your arms so near. Wrapped around my fragile body. And I don’t know if you were my protector. Or I your prey.

I do not fear your hate and aggression. What makes me tremble is the soft kiss you expect from me.

What wakes me from my dreams is what you’ll see. Once I tear away my skin, to show you how I’m bleeding.

@maorimaorii

[maorimaorii]

Quivering

It boils oh how it boils. Deep inside of me, you could not stand the heat.

It fills up every cell. Every part my whole nervous system radiates this scorching, destructive burning.

It has become a being on its own. A monster living in my body. It has eyes, so many eyes.

They all look at you. They smell you. Your pity, your terror, your menacing intentions.

They see through your beautiful eyes. They see you.

Every time, it wants to rip my body apart it wants to jump you. Screams erupt eyes bulging, looking at YOU.

It has many voices, many claws, and many splits. Turning and wiggling nervously as veins in my body.

How it would love to gnaw away at your silly little façade. To show the world your injustice. Your real face.

It’s burning to be released. Swelling, screaming, quivering… The monster inside me, it wants you.

@maorimaorii

[maorimaorii]

Fill me up

It feels as if I have become almost. Yet not quite enough. Nearly there. Practically perfect, but… Very close, yet not close enough. All and everything, yet, by inches not. Almost all you needed.

There are parts of me invisible to your eye. Staying away, hiding from your judging. When we experience that all is not enough, yet it was more than should’ve been given. Holes are left behind, even less to give.

They dig and dig and dig, scraping out the leftovers with their iron spoons. I’m sorry, honey, but I am hollow now.

Oh, how I crave another. To be filled, harshly, brutally even. I would kill to finally feel some fulfilment again. My softness has outgrown me.

Please, fill me up with all your anger, your darkness, your sorrow, as it’s better than this emptiness. I want to feel something again.

It’s been a while since someone has been close. Please, don’t walk away after i’ve told you so. Grab my arm, push me down. Engulf me in your emotions. Not a little, not nearly all, give me everything. I want to feel whole again. 

My glass house has shattered, overflowing everyone with its thick, empty space. Maybe you should see how it tastes. So we can allow this snake to bite its own tail once again.

@maorimaorii

[maorimaorii]

Mother

Mother, mother I forgive you for giving me your all, all your sorrow and agony.

Mother, mother maybe we should talk if you are ever ready to see what you’ve done.

Mother, mother It’s all right, I will be the last one to suffer this line.

You are not to blame but misery has to stop I have failed love mirroring the one I received.

Mother, mother I might not give you what you want, not wishing to pass on what I’ve felt.

Mother, mother please listen to me, I’m so sorry truth will set us free

I know someday I will walk around with peace on my mind no more hardships will come.

Mother, mother stop eating away it won’t give you back what you’ve lost.

Let us sleep a dreamful night laying down our armory. It almost had me in its grasp but I will set us free.

Mother, please, mother let us heal before we pass away.

@maorimaoriimaori

[maorimaorii]

Comfort in discomfort

Don’t come too close an encounter could mean your end it’s me, I suppose.

I’ve said goodbye to you, who’s good to my soul I can’t say why.

You say the universe must have a plan but all I feel now, is emptiness. I promise; I try all I can.

I know it’s me, not allowing you here, I’m scared of what you’ll see.

How many times will I run in how many ways will I leave.

Too many things are exploding in my mind. You’re pulling my strings.

It hurts me to see me leave I’ve imagined it differently, why must love be so naive

Bruised and blue, by the wrong people I’ve had to remove myself. Keep crawling up an impossible steep hill.

How many times will I run in how many ways will I leave.

I know I love you. In ways you might not understand but I feel you always knew.

I’m so sorry but you shouldn't worry I might’ve just needed a friend in the end.

@maorimaorii

[maorimaorii]

A beautiful delusion

A big clump of bitterness forms in the pit of my stomach when you stare at me with your black eyes. It’s spreading a distasteful tang. Finding its way inside my body as a poison taking over.

You make me sick.

Others see you, the bright and beautiful mask you have put on it makes you look so pretty. But the words you speak leave nothing to my imagination. They are infused with your deception stabbing any soft heart, that may have crossed your path.

The blood on your hands as red as your tongue. Flicking away at anything, you could exploit.

You make me sick.

Sucking away all the life, that might’ve had a chance of growing. Greedily swallowing at all the beauty as if it was yours to begin with. You’ve put yourself atop your own statue high above everyone else.

How I wish from the bottom of my bleeding heart all bad things upon you. How I know Life, too, needs its own decay, to temper endless bloom.

So I shall stay far away from a disease like you.

@maorimaorii

[maorimaorii]

The unspoken

Words lose their true meaning when never spoken what use would they be if they never had a chance to be let free, in thin air.

No matter how loaded or thick it is to breathe perhaps you should consider unveiling a letter prickling the tension.

It is not possible to know the outcome to a moment unlived but how would you ever know the real truth? If silence is the card you laid down.

Between silent means and expressed utterings is where most is lost. 

Don’t let remorse be your language. If even one look could have said more than enough.

Time passes as flowing floods   loaded with enormous disquiet and nothing can ever be as it once was before.

Feel it’s density, heaving on your body as a reminder of the power you have changing certain outcomes.

@maorimaorii

[maorimaorii]

Careless little daisy

‘Cause I asked if I may just stand a little bit in your shadow for a while seeking some shelter in this heated world.

Toes peeking out first seeking some relief. Carefully, testing the waters.

Perhaps you might be the cooling garden my roots have been looking for. Or am I imagining  the faint smell of a warm, soft spring?

Should I try to plant a seed in the earthy steadiness you have shown me? Or will it eventually be too soggy beneath the surface to sprout my little roots.

Will you provide me some shadow while I aerate the soil so we can bloom together our roots stronger, when entangled into this bitter ground?

Please have some patience, and you’ll see the beautiful flowers I will create.

Should I allow myself to grow a little stem? Or are you already reaching away, seeking better soils? While I’ve grown here, completely alone left fending for myself?

@maorimaorii

[maorimaorii]

The unveiling of a true face

Naked and uncovered for everyone to see, criticize, examine. Eyes plastered on you from every angle possible.

As the heat of panic rises within you, they just grow bigger, wider, blacker. Pressing you into the mold they carefully crafted — nobody minds the fact it’s not quite the right size, it doesn’t really fit you. They will reassemble every little limb, melting you to fit in.

Haven’t you learned how to adapt? They have written entire stories to fit your face.

Staring, turning in their sockets, waiting — expectantly. Tighten your skin, put on your face. Turn into the persona you have created for each and every different eye that has lingered for a moment.

Or was it you who kneaded them all? Did you play your little part so they would smile when they saw you? Like your presence? Fill you with words you wished to hear?

Aren’t you lonely now? Wondering which part was true — which ones would stay after discovering your eyes have deceived them all?

@maorimaorii

[maorimaorii]

Delicate, little thing

As tender as my flesh, as thick as the blood that flows within me, metallic and sharp on the tongue, you tore it all to pieces.

Soothing voices are whispering in my ear, in my mind.

You can become anything you want. You can become anyone you wish to be. Yet all I ever wanted was to be loved by you.

The underlying anger sometimes nibbles at my feet. I feel it trying to crawl up my legs, sharp nails embedding in my skin. Keep smiling, stay nice.

Please act as if this is nothing to you.

But my belly burns, my insides melt, the internal screaming pops my eardrums.

The ugliness of it all is consuming me. Nobody can come near, nobody should touch. The rage still burns too hot scorching, blistering, stifling.

Don’t you dare tell me you loved me. Don’t you dare play the part of a charming, young, innocent man.

Do not disturb me and my burning flesh. It has gone too far. You have taken enough.

Take a look at what I’ve become.

So much anger, so much. I’m scared of what it would do.

Will I let it conquer me? Will it engulf me, suffocating all that I once was? Bitterness, wrath, resentment, there won’t be room for much more.

Mad is what you once called me. Mad is what I became when I stood beside you, cupping the air between us, as if I could cradle what was already slipping through.

I will burn, scream, scorch, blister, stifle.

I will sit with it. Let it all out. The rage inside me will be released, so I won’t become a prisoner of my own bitterness, just like you.

@maorimaorii

[maorimaorii]

Am I alone?

I always thought, it was predestined it would be never change. It was written in my brain.

And I thought yours was connected to mine in ways we cannot comprehend convey or grasp.

You were walking beside me steady and convincing. It was solid definite it was undeniable. True.

Perhaps I trusted a little too much.

Wouldn’t we walk ‘till the end of the earth reach the unknowing? Steady balanced secure in our bond.

Am I alone? I feel a pull Every time your voice reaches my senses memories echo like voices whispering in the pitch black dark.

Do you feel the strings attached to our souls?

It has been years my whole being aches at the thought of you vaporizing like smoke.

I am walking alone with your shadow attached into my mind the entire essence of me.

Do you feel it too? In this feeling it hurts it holds me back the strings made holes in my body.

I walk alone 'till the end.

@maorimaorii

[maorimaorii]

Floating waters

Those vile edges ripping, tearing, peeling. Trying to find a way into my skin, seeping in slowly

As I am drifting, floating on easy waters they nibble on me below trying to get in.

Looking up I am aware I can see

I feel it crawling with its sharp legs underneath me.

Time goes on, I smell a slight breeze of wind. Focus on the little taps of water droplets, hitting the surface

They can’t get in, unless I let them.

I remove my soul, from their noise

Let them crawl until eternity. I will feel the taps on my face, the growing warmth in my chest.

And remember I won’t ever let them again.

@maorimaorii

[maorimaorii]

Fungus fingers

What can I say? The stars didn't align, the tide didn't pull us in, the moon did not use her magic. Fate was not in our favor.

If you want to put it like that. If you want to forget the parts that have decayed within me. Touched by your fingers spread like a fungus. I suppose I thought they weren't that necessary.

I have changed my mind.

Things will never be the same again within me.

I have to say goodbye to whom I once was.

Maybe I will try to fill those holes with nice and pretty new, smooth flesh.

But I feel like the scar tissue has already set in for overgrowth.

And everybody can see them from afar.

I wish I'd never let your fungus fingers touch me at all.

@maorimaorii

[maorimaorii]

Staring solitude

As I am walking wondering if the glimmer far away between the thick wall of threes is calling out to me or telling me to stay.

I am searching haven’t found my way back to reach the path known by so many.

Some will look, raise their eyebrows, call out names I can’t understand.

It’s more comforting when they aren’t around.

Can I lay here in the moss and look up to the tree, as I am contemplating if I need anything else?

The shining gold, so far away tries to lure me to make my move.

I like it here, stop staring at me. I don’t need your company. Leave me alone.

@maorimaorii