title: meet me halfway
pairing: dean/cas
rating: E
word count: ~38k total; chapter: ~4800
tags: bed sharing, sam is oblivious, bisexual awakening, first times, queer joy (ultimately)
COMPLETE!
Dean is so determined to be normal about Cas and what Cas said, so determined for things to get back to normal, that he starts counting his victories. First, he can touch Cas just like he did before--easy. He can comfort him after a nightmare--no problem. He doesn't even think about the fact that Cas is in love with him when Dean's moving around the bunker post-shower, as dressed down as he ever got before, just boxers and his robe closed over them. He's not even worried. Not even thinking twice about what Cas might see. Very natural, very cool; he can be cool about this.
It's just that, along with that, he can't stop thinking about the fact that Cas is in love with him. And when they start watching that fucking schmoopy ass show with Jack, Dean can't stop thinking about that kid, Nick, and where his story's going to go. Why does it matter so much to him anyway?
---
aka Dean watches Heartstopper, and it fixes him.
"Cas," he rasps, "Cas, would you fuck me?"
Cas's hand stutters in its rhythm, and Dean's hips pick up the slack, because the idea of there not being any motion is truly the worst thing he could think of right now.
"Are you sure?" He sounds breathless, a little unsure. When they started exploring their bedroom options, they only briefly talked about this, tabled it for after their exploration of just fingers for now, maybe after getting some toys. But right now, Dean wants to feel Cas--everywhere. Wants to feel him everywhere. Wants to cross this threshold that still feels like some kind of final barrier, only something made up in his mind, but still there, nonetheless.
"I mean, we'll--we'll call an audible if it hurts too much."
"I'm... not sure I understand that reference, but I know what you mean, anyway." Cas is thinking, which sucks because it means his hand isn't moving still, and then he lays his other hand on Dean's knee. "I'll--yes, okay. But I need my hand back for a minute."
"Stupid," Dean mutters. "I miss your angel powers."
Cas huffs and then, tragically, is no longer finger-fucking him. "Of course you miss them now."
Dean's heart is still racing, even while his body is cooling down a little in the pause where logistics have to be considered. He glances down at himself, at the fucking mess he's made on his stomach, his cock leaking everywhere, and it's like he's seeing himself--really, who he is now, at least in the basest way possible. A bi guy, about to be fucked out of his mind (hopefully) for the first time. There are still nerves in there--what if it's bad, what if it hurts, what if, what if, what if--but he knows the answer to all those questions is just that he'll tell Cas, and it'll all be fine. This last barrier is starting to feel more like the last boss, something that Dean is facing down with some nerves, but a determination too. Like he can come out of the other side with a championship cup in being a queer dude: he got fucked in the ass.
Maybe it's silly. But he wants that championship cup.
read on ao3: 1: meet. | 2: crush. | 3: kiss. | 4. secret. | 5. friend. | 6. girls. | 7. bully. | 8. boyfriend. | husband.
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