Marcus Valerius Martialis

Poet, satirist, tax evader A seriously unserious translation

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Librarium

The works of Martial translated for fun, shit n giggles

Book of Spectacles

I - II - III - IV - V - VI - VII - VIII - IX - X - XI - XII - XIII - XIV - XV - XVI - XVII - XVIII - XIX - XX - XXI - XXII - XXIII - XXIV - XXV - XXVI - XXVII - XXVIII - XXIX - XXX - XXXI - XXXII - XXXIII - XXXIV - XXXV - XXXVI

Epigrams

Book I

Prelude - I - II - III

Book II

I - II - III

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I.1. "Buy my book, I'm a best-selling author"

Here is the one you're reading, the one you want,

Martial, famous over the whole wide world

for his witty little books of epigrams:

To whom, you loyal reader, you gave

the kind of glory while he was living and breathing

Not so many poets gain after they're dead.

Hic est quem legis ille, quem requiris, Toto notus in orbe Martialis Argutis epigrammaton libellis: Cui, lector studiose, quod dedisti Viuenti decus atque sentienti, Rari post cineres habent poetae.

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"Disclaimer of Book 1, so we're clear : don't like, don't read"

I hope to have shown so much moderation in my little books that there is no reason to complain about them for anyone who feels good about themselves, when they mock with healthy respect of people's character, even those of lower standing; ancient writers lacked this decency, to the point of not only abusing true names, but even famous ones.

Reputation is cheap to me, I want to be judged on my fresh talent.

Stay away from my innocent jokes, arguer in bad-faith, and don't write over my epigrams: using somebody else's book to look smart is bad behavior.

The playful truth of words, this is how the epigram speaks, which I would apologize for if it was my invention: Catullus wrote those, as did Marsus, Pedo, Gaetulicus, and anyone who has readers.

If there was still a sad enough individual that considers it divine law that no page can be written in latin, he can stay confined to this letter, or rather its title.

Epigrams are written for the people who are used to going to Flora's festival.

Don't come into my theater, Cato, or, if you come, just look.

Having said all that, it seems to me i've got the right to end this epigram with these words:

Since you knew about fun Flora's sweet rites' parties and games, and the people's freedom, Why did you come into the theatre, you dreary Cato? Was it to leave as soon as you got there?

Spero me secutum in libellis meis tale temperamentum, ut de illis queri non possit quisquis de se bene senserit, cum salua infimarum quoque personarum reuerentia ludant; quae adeo antiquis auctoribus defuit, ut nominibus non tantum ueris abusi sint, sed et magnis.

Mihi fama uilius constet et probetur in me nouissimum ingenium.

Absit a iocorum nostrorum simplicitate malignus interpres nec epigrammata mea scribat: inprobe facit qui in alieno libro ingeniosus est.

Lasciuam uerborum ueritatem, id est epigrammaton linguam, excusarem, si meum esset exemplum: sic scribit Catullus, sic Marsus, sic Pedo, sic Gaetulicus, sic quicumque perlegitur.

Si quis tamen tam ambitiose tristis est, ut apud illum in nulla pagina latine loqui fas sit, potest epistula uel potius titulo contentus esse.

Epigrammata illis scribuntur, qui solent spectare Florales.

Non intret Cato theatrum meum, aut si intrauerit, spectet.

Videor mihi meo iure facturus, si epistulam uersibus clusero:

Nosses iocosae dulce cum sacrum Florae Festosque lusus et licentiam uolgi, Cur in theatrum, Cato seuere, uenisti? An ideo tantum ueneras, ut exires?

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XXXVI. "At least lose to someone good"

Making way for someone better is the second prize of bravery.

How heavy is the victory palm, when an inferior competitor has it.

Cedere maiori uirtutis fama secunda est.

Illa grauis palma est, quam minor hostis habet.

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XXXV. "You have to forgive me because i'm hyping you up"

Forgive my improv: when someone works fast to satisfy you,

Caesar, he doesn't deserve to have you get mad.

Da ueniam subitis: non displicuisse meretur,

festinat, Caesar, qui placuisse tibi.

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XXXIV. "Name-dropping every sea god"

In this place Augustus' work of building a navy took place

and stirr up the sea with the sound of the shiphorn.

How much is all of that compared to our Caesar? On the waters

Thetis and Galatea see unknown beasts;

Triton sees boiling charriots on the sea dust

and thinks his master's horses are running:

and while Nereus prepares beast fights on fierce ships,

he dreads walking through the fluid waters.

Whatever we see in the circus and the amphitheater,

the rich water offered to you, Caesar.

Not a word from Lake Fucinus and Nero's awful pools:

time will remember only this naumachia.

Augusti labor hic fuerat committere classes

et freta nauali sollicitare tuba.

Caesaris haec nostri pars est quota? Vidit in undis

et Thetis ignotas et Galatea feras;

uidit in aequoreo feruentes puluere currus

et domini Triton isse putauit equos:

dumque parat saeuis ratibus fera proelia Nereus,

horruit in liquidis ire pedestris aquis.

Quidquid et in Circo spectatur et Amphitheatro,

id diues, Caesar, praestitit unda tibi.

Fucinus et diri taceantur stagna Neronis:

hanc norint unam saecula naumachiam.

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XXXIII. "Even antelopes can suck up to Caesar"

When a hurried antelope flees the fast hounds

and goes through obstacles with varied skill,

kneeling before Caesar's feet and looking like a beggar,

it stops, and the dogs do not touch their prey.

(...)

this one, having recognized her ruler, receives a gift.

Caesar has divine might: it is sacred, a sacred power,

believe me: beasts do not learn to lie.

Concita ueloces fugeret cum damma Molossos

et uaria lentas necteret arte moras,

Caesaris ante pedes supplex similisque roganti

constitit, et praedam non tetigere canes.

---

haec intellecto principe dona tulit.

Numen habet Caesar: sacra est haec, sacra potestas,

credite: mentiri non didicere ferae.

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XXXII. "Carpophorus takes on the whole mythology"

If the ancient times had known Carpophorus, Caesar,

foreign lands would not have feared the boar of Parthaon,

or Marathon its bull, cast in shades Nemee its lion,

Arcas its wild boar of Mount Maenalus.

If he took up his weapons, the hydra's death would have been a one-time thing,

and the whole Chimera would would have been stricken by him one single time.

He could harness the fiery bulls without Circe's help,

he could defeat both of Pasiphae's beasts.

If the old tale of the sea monster happened again,

he would free Hesione and Andromeda all by himself.

The glory of Hercules' fame is to be reckoned with:

it's a bigger feat to have defeated twenty wild beasts at the same time.

Saecula Carpophorum, Caesar, si prisca tulissent,

non Porthaoniam barbara terra feram,

non Marathon taurum, Nemee frondosa leonem,

Arcas Maenalium non timuisset aprum.

Hoc armante manus hydrae mors una fuisset,

huic percussa foret tota Chimaera semel.

Igniferos possit sine Colchide iungere tauros,

possit utramque feram uincere Pasiphaes.

Si uetus aequorei reuocetur fabula monstri,

Hesionen soluet solus et Andromedan.

Herculeae laudis numeretur gloria:

plus est bis denas pariter perdomuisse feras.

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XXXI. "Priscus VS Verus"

When Priscus made the fight drag on, then Verus did as well,

and for so long Mars's favor was equal for each one,

many times a discharge was asked for these men by a loud cheer;

but Caesar himself obeyed his own law;

which was to battle until a finger was raised, shield put down:

he offered many times, as was permitted, plates and gifts.

Eventually a solution was found to settle fairly:

they fought as equals and they fell as equals.

Caesar sent to each one the staff of freedom and the palm of victory:

this prize spoke of their bravery and skill.

This never happened outside of your reign, Caesar:

when two gladiators fought, two ended up winning.

Cum traheret Priscus, traheret certamina Verus,

esset et aequalis Mars utriusque diu,

missio saepe uiris magno clamore petita est;

sed Caesar legi paruit ipse suae; -

lex erat, ad digitum posita concurrere parma: -

quod licuit, lances donaque saepe dedit.

Inuentus tamen est finis discriminis aequi:

pugnauere pares, subcubuere pares.

Misit utrique rudes et palmas Caesar utrique:

hoc pretium uirtus ingeniosa tulit.

Contigit hoc nullo nisi te sub principe, Caesar:

cum duo pugnarent, uictor uterque fuit.

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XXX. "Synchronized swimming nymphs"

A well-taught choir of Nereids played on the whole sea

and painted the easy waters in various figures.

There was a threatening trident with a pointy edge, a curved anchor:

we believed to see oars and a ship,

the shining constellation of the Gemini, a sailor's blessing,

and wide swelling sails, clearly bending.

Who invented these big performances in the fluid waters?

Either Thetis taught these games, or she was educated in them.

Lusit Nereidum docilis chorus aequore toto

et uario faciles ordine pinxit aquas.

Fuscina dente minax recto fuit, ancora curuo:

credidimus remum credidimusque ratem,

et gratum nautis sidus fulgere Laconum

lataque perspicuo uela tumere sinu.

Quis tantas liquidis artes inuenit in undis?

aut docuit lusus hos Thetis aut didicit.

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XXIX. "Leandrus' lament"

As the brave Leandrus made his way to his sweet love,

and, already worn out by the swelling waters, he was getting overwhelmed,

they say the poor boy cried farewell to the threatening waves:

"Spare me on my way to her, drown me on the way back!"

Cum peteret dulces audax Leandros amores

et fessus tumidis iam premeretur aquis,

sic miser instantes adfatus dicitur undas:

'Parcite dum propero, mergite cum redeo.'

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XXVIII. "Nobody drowns in Titus' sea"

The waves spared you in the night, Leandrus

Don't be surprised by it: this was Caesar's sea.

Quod nocturna tibi, Leandre, pepercerit unda

desine mirari: Caesaris unda fuit.

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XXVII. "Sea on command"

If someone got to their seat late, a spectator from faraway shores,

For whom this was the first day of the sacred games,

don't be misled by the ships of the sea-warrior goddess Enyo

nor by the ocean-like water: this place used to be land.

Don't believe me? Look, while the waves tire Mars out:

in a moment, you'll say: "this used to be the sea".

Si quis ades longis serus spectator ab oris,

cui lux prima sacri muneris ista fuit,

ne te decipiat ratibus naualis Enyo

et par unda fretis, hic modo terra fuit.

Non credis? specta, dum lassant aequora Martem:

parua mora est, dices 'Hic modo pontus erat.'

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XXVI. "The show will start in a moment"

While the terrified handlers needle the rhinoceros

because the beast's anger did not rise,

no hope of seeing the fights promised to Mars;

but finally the wrath it was known for came back.

with its double horns it lifts up a massive bear just like

a bull throws to the stars the strawmen offered to it:

with the same firm throw, Carpophorus' strong hand

directs the alpine spears, still a young man.

The rhino easily carries two young bulls on its neck,

the fierce gazelle and the bison folded in front of it:

fleeing before it, the lion ran headfirst into spears.

Come on now, audience, try to complain about the wait!

Sollicitant pauidi dum rhinocerota magistri

seque diu magnae colligit ira ferae,

desperabantur promissi proelia Martis;

sed tandem rediit cognitus ante furor.

Namque grauem cornu gemino sic extulit ursum,

iactat ut inpositas taurus in astra pilas:

Norica tam certo uenabula dirigit ictu

fortis adhuc teneri dextera Carpophori.

Ille tulit geminos facili ceruice iuuencos,

illi cessit atrox bubalus atque uison:

hunc leo cum fugeret, praeceps in tela cucurrit.

I nunc et lentas corripe, turba, moras!

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XXV. " 'til death do us reunite"

The earth that vomited from its open mouth

the bear slaying Orpheus, came from Eurydice.

Orphea quod subito tellus emisit hiatu

ursam elisuram, uenit ab Eurydice.

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XXIV. "Liberties in adaptation"

Everything that mount Rhodopus had seen in Orpheus' story,

they say, Caesar, that the arena showed it to you.

Rocks crawled and a magic forest ran,

you'd have believed it to be the wood of the Hesperides.

There were all kinds of wild beasts mixed with cattle,

and over the poet's head, many birds circled,

but he laid on the ground, mauled by an ungrateful bear.

This version is as true as the legend is.

Quidquid in Orpheo Rhodope spectasse theatro

dicitur, exhibuit, Caesar, harena tibi.

Repserunt scopuli mirandaque silua cucurrit,

quale fuisse nemus creditur Hesperidum.

Adfuit inmixtum pecori genus omne ferarum

et supra uatem multa pependit auis,

ipse sed ingrato iacuit laceratus ab urso.

Haec tantum res est facta {par' istorian}.

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XXIII. "Reconciliation of the fans"

When some begged for Myrinus, the others for Triumphus,

Caesar promised them both with each of his hands.

He couldn't have ended that fun beef better.

What a sweet idea from the invincible prince!

Cum peteret pars haec Myrinum, pars illa Triumphum,

promisit pariter Caesar utraque manu.

Non potuit melius litem finire iocosam.

O dulce inuicti principis ingenium!