She looked in my eyes. Her irises turbulent, a quiet storm raging in them. „No…I…I am darkness. I contain no light, can give no light. All I would do was drain you, darken you…please…please, leave“, she said. I lowered my eyes. Was that the reason why she always pushed me away? To think of herself as draining? If she wanted me to leave, I would. Of course…but please let me tell her, what I was feeling in my bones - since the moment we shared in that cave.
I looked up again, tried to meet her eyes without passing out. „Esra, if you really want me to leave, I will“, I managed to choke out. „But…“, I continued. „Can I tell you something first?“ She took a ragged breath, brushed a stray hair out of her eyes. „Of course…just right after that, go.“
„I don‘t know where to start..I…you know…“, ok, this was not getting better. Why is it so hard to put your heart, your soul into words? Why does language always seem to lack something substantial, like a bridge erected between people but with huge chunks ripped out of it? No, not this time. None of us would fall through a hole of it and loose the chance to reach each other. Miss each other, probably forever, lost in the malestorm of forgotten and unsaid words. So I tumbled around this hole and looked, no, not looked, felt straight into her soul.
„I don‘t need light. You know, I always get this feeling of becoming insubstantial around people, that are dear to me. Like I would loose myself and will be lost“. I could not meet her gaze, felt so fragile.
„Nobody was ever capable to deal with that. To deal with me - and it always ended up in a mess. Them - emotionally shielding from me, because I was too much. And me, emotionally chasing them, trying to crawl into their essence, like an intruder, a parasite“.
She inhaled sharply. „Imra, you may be much, but not a parasite“, Esra shook her head, a tear falling through her lashes. Then she took a deep breath. „Just look at us, beating ouselves up, we‘re so stupid.“ She forced a smile, but I knew, she just wanted to play things down. For her, it was getting too emotional, yet again.
„But what I really wanted to say, was, that I cerish you. You and your darkness. Who needs light? Right now, again, I am crumbling to dust. And who or what could ever contain me better, more thoroughly than darkness?“. Everything around me started to spin.
„We are not fire to ice. Or light to darkness. I can not lighten you. You can not darken me. We can both exist without each other. But together we could actually be“. There was so much more that I wanted to say, but I was crumbling too much, falling to my knees and clutching my chest. Esra fell down beside me, taking my partly insubstantial hand, let her guard down and her darkness flashed outwards, surrounding us.
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