Thinkin about Su Xiyan, Tianlang-jun, and Luo Binghe againā¦
Su Xiyan who was forced into doing things and who desperately didnāt want to betray Tianlang-jun and who drank poison so she could see him again and warn him only to find out that she was far too late. And she gave birth to a little baby boy and instead of tossing him overboard into the water or letting him freeze, she wrapped him in her own robes to send him down the river. She mustāve been hoping heād live, right? She mustāve been desperately longing for her child to live. She mustāve been so tired. She looked back on those times when she and Tianlang-jun would tease and flirt with each other and despite everything, she mustāve felt so terribly, terribly alone.
Tianlang-jun, who begins as a legitimately almost pure-hearted maiden. He likes to bounce around the human realm and play their songs and read their stories and spend way too much money until heās broke. And he falls so hard for Su Xiyan. He falls so hard for her, to the point that he brings her up constantly and he asks Zhuzhi-Lang whether or not heās handsome and he trusts her and trusts her and trusts herā¦ only for everything to be torn apart. Only to be buried under a mountain and stuck thinking that Su Xiyan is the one who caused all of it. Barely even able to mourn for everything heās lost.
It isnāt like the world is kind to them after everything. Tianlang-jun is painted as a monster who was on the verge of storming the human realm. Su Xiyan is badmouthed the moment people find out that she was pregnant with Tianlang-junās child. No matter what she does, she canāt win. If she betrayed her sect for Tianlang-jun, then she was a traitor who was seduced by a demon. If she betrayed Tianlang-jun for her sect, then she was a horrible mother and terrible woman. If she tried to kill her unborn child, sheās unfit to be called a woman. If she tried to save him, she brought an unholy abomination into the world. She just canāt win.
And of course Luo Bingheās supposed to be tragic. Of course his story is supposed to be sad. But heās so desperate for any hint of affection and heās told to his face that heās an unholy abomination and his father doesnāt seem to care about him and his mother tried to abort him and itās so easy to feel all alone. Itās so easy for him to feel like he doesnāt fit anywhere, because heās both human and demon, which means heās neither human nor demon.
The part that always makes me tear up is when Luo Binghe tries to merge the two realms together. Heās so desperate. Heās so broken. He doesnāt know what to do and he only knows that he doesnāt want to be left behind. He says that nobody has ever chosen him. He says that it would be fine even if Shen Qingqiu hated him, as long as he didnāt toss him aside.
And itās awful! This family is awful! Itās so sad! Itās too sad! Su Xiyan chose Luo Binghe before anyone else did. Su Xiyan chose to save him, chose to try and keep him warm and dry. Even at the cost of her own life, she chose him! And she chose him because she loved Tianlang-jun! She basically poisoned herself trying to keep the only thing she had left of Tianlang-jun alive! Tianlang-jun says that Luo Binghe looks like her. Tianlang-jun canāt even be angry or sad when he mentions her, he just goes blank, until he finds out that she really wanted to save him and he canāt help but love her all over again! Tianlang-jun looks at Luo Binghe and Luo Binghe is proof that Su Xiyan loved him!
Luo Binghe realizes that he hurt Shen Qingqiu and heās more than horrified. All heās ever wanted to do is be strong enough that Shen Qingqiu doesnāt have to get hurt saving him anymore, but all he ever seem to accomplishe is hurting Shen Qingqiu himself. He tries to learn demonic cultivation to get stronger and he gets pushed into the Endless Abyss. He tries to learn spiritual cultivation and Shen Qingqiu dies in his arms. He tries to keep Shen Qingqiuās body in perfect condition so that he can bring hin back to life, only for the body to be stolen out from under him twice. He asks, again and again, for Shen Qingqiu to choose him, and he never gets chosen.
But, you canāt actually blame Shen Qingqiu. Because all of those scenes of him not choosing Luo Binghe ARE him choosing Luo Binghe! He chooses Binghe and Bingheās safety everytime, he just never realizes that he himself is necessary for Binghe to be safe. And why would he assume that? He hurt Binghe and he feels like he canāt be forgiven for it, to the point that all of his suffering is him punishing himself.
Luo Binghe in the wedding extra asks Shen Qingqiu to marry him and heās so nervous beforehand that he literally trips. He stutters. And even after he asks, he tells Shen Qingqiu not to answer, because he canāt listen to the answer, he canāt listen to Shen Qingqiu turn him aside again and he contents himself with thinking that even if they arenāt married, Shen Qingqiu has indulgently allowed him to follow wherever he goes, and thatās enough.
So when Shen Qingqiu does say yes, itās emotional. Heās shocked. And even as he pulls out all the stops for the āwedding,ā I donāt think Luo Binghe is actually convinced that Shen Qingqiu meant it until the next day, when Shen Qingqiu calls him āHusbandā without even being asked. I think thatās the moment it hit him. Shen Qingqiu chose him.
We start the novels by hearing a basic outline of PIDW, which starts with Su Xiyan choosing Luo Binghe. We end the novels with Shen Qingqiu choosing Luo Binghe. Luo Binghe finally, finally understands what it feels like to be loved.
Meng Mo and the Huan Hua Palace Master want Luo Binghe as their student because heās powerful and capable and, in the Palace Masterās case, he reminds him of Su Xiyan. His wives, itās somewhat strongly implied, mostly wanted him for sex and what he could do for them. Nobody ever really befriends Luo Binghe at any point. Heās always standing apart from others. Heās never part of the Huan Hua disciples and he stands out amongst the Cang Qiong sect disciples and he stands out among demons and he stands out among humans and
And he finally stands with Shen Qingqiu. Heās finally not alone. Heās finally someoneās first choice. He finally feels like someoneās first choice.
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