mayfly

poet and musician

[mayfly01]

wish i knew how to write and release music

[mayfly01]

How to peel a mandarin

If you were here right now I’d offer you a segment of my Mandarin. 

Although I don’t grow them myself or look twice in the supermarket when I walk past one, 

I’d get one and peel it for us–

a half for you and a half for me. 

Your heart is so big. 

You peel a mandarin for yourself to eat and without thought 

when I am there you feed me every other piece from your hand… 

You peel mandarins neatly, so perfectly and cleanly when they come apart. 

When I peel a mandarin, I tear holes and squeeze it a little tighter.

I don’t know how you do it.

She’s the best company i could’ve wished for. I hope I never learn how to peel mandarins.

[mayfly01]

Poetry of June

My brain has been blank since the 24th of May, 

My mom still asks about you; she doesn't know, 

I've learnt my lesson about drinking and thinking about you,

and June couldn't go by any slower than it is right now.

If there were a way for you to see yourself in the ways that I see you, 

you wouldn’t have a doubt in your mind as to why I can’t let you go.

I can't think of anything but you,

my head is full of you,

my heart is full of you,

I still look for some form of you in everyone I meet, every small gesture and the smell of cigarettes takes me back to you and locks me in a cage where I’m only allowed to think about you. 

Take a kiss from me. In fact, steal them all, because there will never be another set of lips I want to ever grace mine once more. I want to be who I was before you - Before I knew what teas you liked and before I knew how you hate winter because of seasonal depression. When I (we) listen to music and look at art I am looking through the lens we once shared. I processed your mind into my heart so fast that it has become a part of my being. 

I am you but you are not me.  

Please let me listen to music without your being in it, please let allow me to look at art without your being in it. 

My door is one that is closed but not locked; if you came knocking I’d open it within seconds with warm pie in my arms and a smile on my face just like you’d want it. Because I miss you. And I understand those words are overused again and again, but I’m throwing a tantrum to tell the world that I truly do. I do so much. Over. And over again. 

[mayfly01]

Help Yourself

You’re a woman of so much talk but never of any action,

stay true to your words and don’t aid injured birds into the wild 

when you know they aren’t ready,

just because you were never ready to care for them 

when you promised you were.

From the bottom of my heart

I mean this with all the peace and gratitude of the world, 

help yourself before you make promises to help others.

[mayfly01]

Waiting for you

Perhaps there's always been an end for us.

But is it wrong that I don't want that? Is it wrong that I will always want you to have access to me? That I still find it thrilling to be once desired by you, and only you.

Maybe if I ceased my persistence, you'll heal and fight for me. You would implore me to remain patient.

Does this fragility lay as proof that this isn't what I ever wanted?

But I know that I love you, 

I'm still waiting for you, 

I never wanted to have to wait but,

I'm waiting for you to want me once again.

[excerptsfrommydiarys-blog]

"Hate does not exist without love. Especially not with him. I think my heart will break forever over this too."

[mayfly01]

Yellow Bricked House 

The home I crave doesn’t exist because my happy place is far far from here.

Because in the end none of it mattered if you weren’t by my side.  

I’m going to be away for a while, please don’t dwell on the fights or on the should’ve’s and could’ve’s, don’t wallow in self-pity the way I did and don’t let it consume you. Don’t allow yourself to only think of the good in me, find the bad and use it as a lesson for yourself. 

I have no life and no love and lately, I’ve become accustomed to how drearily cold the ground can get when it envelops me. Through anguish and tears, may I find release and through song and wind, may you always be reminded of me. Because mine are tears that can fake no desolation.

[mayfly01]

Pale blue eyes

You don’t have the say anything, I just wanted you to know I’m here. 

I thought of you as my everything that I had but could not keep and when I look at you I subconsciously roll my eyes not out of annoyance but out of self-pity. I’m so tired of feeling sorry for myself but this too shall pass and as nice as it was nice to hear your voice again getting over you is catching the horizon.

You suck.

I want to both hold and hate you. 

I’m so sorry, but i love you and unfortunately for me I will never not notice you and maybe I deserved someone else but I wanted you. But god to see your face drives me fucking insane. I feel both anger and at peace because to be near you is a world where I’ve never been hurt but walk around with a knife through my heart and you don’t know what disappointment feels like. 

But I do. 

My drawer is filling up with letters and paragraphs that I’ve written to you and if you’d only ask I’d read them to you in a heart beat.

I’ve cried a lot because of you and I’ve never cried this hard for another. All I can do now is miss you, wait for you, love you and fail at sleep. 

I love you, but you make me so sad. 

I miss you and how close we used to be, that beautiful spark between us both. 

I hate you and how far we’ve grown apart. You look at me now as I if I were a stranger to you that’s seen the most venerable you. 

Please tell me that I am not as easily forgotten as the silence you're subjecting me to is causing me to believe.

I miss you.