All My Fault
I can't even remember how exactly we met and ended up being friends, yet you always reminded me it was close to 10 years and how we can't just throw that away.
I don't remember a day when I was seriously comfortable and did not feel judged by you or anything I did, unless you approved.
I don't remember how I ended up being your close friend again after going separate ways in uni.
I don't remember a lot of things, but you were always there reminding me, that everything was always my fault and I was always going to leave.
I told you over and over that friends don't do that to friends. Friends don't just leave you and neither would I.
Yet somehow I was always the evil, nasty bitch that hurt you over and over by not being friend enough.
"I thought we were past this point and could just hang out and not talk" yet when I went quiet and into my own thoughts, you asked what you did wrong and why I wasn't talking to you.
When I told you I was sick, you asked me "Do you know how this will affect me?!" and you meant it then. You destroyed the last ounce of friendship I had left for you. Crumpled it up, but again I was the one that sent the world into flames. I was sick and it would affect you, because you couldn't rely on me anymore.
Because I needed sunshine when all you brought was rain. When you drowned me further to the point I couldn't breathe.
To the point that you turned on me. Your friend. You turned around and told people made up scenarios, without asking the truth. Told me it was all my fault and why I didn't ask you to visit.
I was sick and was still meant to ask for your time.
When I moved you said you were busy with studying so I thought I was doing the right thing by giving you space. It was all my fault then, because I didn't need you. Didn't ask you to help me.
When we went traveling (mistake on my part I'll admit) I dared to make the mistake of meeting people and daring to hang out with them while you were with your friends. It was my fault again, I didn't ask you first if it was okay to go to dinner with them. Didn't ask you outright if you wanted to join, because I assumed you'd want to come and join us anyway.
The more time I spent with you after time apart, the more I realized that you were not my friend.
The more time passed the less I cared about your feelings and your life. Because you didn't care about mine.
When I was at the same hostel as you, you told me to leave. It was "your journey" and I knew how much it meant to you. I didn't even give you a heads up. (I did, but you never texted me back).
It was my fault then again. To ruin your life again. Stealing your dreams, putting other people before you like I did so many times before, according to you.
What you don't seem to realize is that I put you first so many times, that I forgot myself along the way. That when I took time for myself I realized that friends don't do that to friends.
Friends respect each other. Friends don't continue asking for more and more and more. Friends appreciate you for who you are. Friends don't expect a tit for tat. Friends don't make you feel small or stupid.
I was never good enough for you and I'm glad that I've stopped trying.
