Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to give me anxiety over zebras. If you succeed, I will donate a randomized amount of money (from $10 to $99) to your patreon. If you fail, you will have to live with the knowledge that you did not make me anxious (and I get some cool new zebra facts that I didn't know before). Do you accept? [Y] [N]
this is what we’re doing now, huh? custom ordered anxiety? you know what fine. fine. let’s talk zebras.
first of all i don’t know why you wouldn’t be anxious about zebras. a zebra will happily kill you. they will bite off your hand and fucking laugh. they are filled to bursting with aggression & spite. i know they usually get a pass bc ‘haha stripey horse so goofy ’ but. this is a species that regularly survives harsh conditions while being hunted by apex predators so. they’ve got a dark side.
you know how dogs are domesticated and wolves aren’t? horses are domesticated. zebras are not. i don’t think it’s biologically or ethically possible to domesticate a zebra in any meaningful way. we’ve tried it, it doesn’t fucking work. this is because zebras are angry violent fucks with horrifyingly strong legs. they will happily break a human jawbone with one single graceful kick. they occasionally murder lions in this manner. yes i know it is provoked and self-defensive. yes, i know they don’t actually eat the lions they kill. no, this does not in any way make me more comfortable with the concept of a stupid fucking striped horse that occasionally kills lions. they also sometimes kick each other to death but anyone who knows anything about zebras will finds utterly unsurprising.
in general, zebras have terrific senses of sight, hearing, smell and taste, which supports my budding theory they can smell fear. also they have night vision. that’s just a fun fact, there’s no reason that should induce anxiety. unless you’re thinking of facing off w/ a zebra at night. which i don’t recommend. bc, you know, angry murder horses.
also zebras don’t have black stripes. the’re black with white stripes. that’s not creepy, it just pisses me off. two more things:
1. i won’t be discussing this in detail but i’ve been developing a theory that zebras fill the same evolutionary niche that clowns & mimes fill in the hominid kingdom. tell me that’s not fucking face paint:
for safety reasons i will not expound on this.
2. there’s a theory zebra stripes use motion dazzle to confuse predators. i get so overwhelmed picturing it. imagine being a predator, crouched on the savanna floor, your prey grazing at the watering hole. all is peaceful, all is calm. you are the most dangerous creature present. so you assume. when all of a sudden our are thrust into a dizzying monochrome swirl of spinning stripes, your heightened senses obscured by a rising cloud of dust and the thundering of angry hooves! you jerk around in panic, but are surrounded! surrounded by the trembling blur!
all this to say, i’m working on a short fic portraying what it might be like to be stampeded by mimes.
anyway next time you think of zebras, imagine their beady little eyes, their strong, strong jaw muscles. imagine approaching a zebra like a fool. imagine sticking your hand out to offer it a sugar cube. now imagine how many fingers you would have left, after that experience. there you go, there’s your zebra-induced anxiety. patreon is here. i have to go finish writing about being swarmed by a mime horde. gaudy OUT
turnnoffyourmind
theartofmadeline
areudirty
blakekathryn
stormborns
