Welcome to Motherhood - Are you going crazy yet?

Weight Loss? Lack of sleep? Stress, Frustration, Delight, Happiness, and Worry? The plight of a former athlete/workaholic, turned new mom!

[mellamogennifer]

Don’t get me wrong, I love my family

Yep, pretty crappy way to start a new post after a like 4 year hiatus. Factor in two kids, a often times demanding and uncertain job, a major move and first home purchase....Oh and this thing called Covid 19 and yeah, the title isn’t so bad with perspective. 

I really do love my family but these are truly trying times. What got me thinking about coming back to my Tumblr account was really needing a place to vent, that was easy to maintain, but also to just hash sometimes the crazy ass thoughts and daydreams I have. Also PMS makes me a little loco emotionally. 

After an evening at my mom and father in law’s house for his birthday and to recognize Isabel’s (our 4 year old) first day back to daycare in a year, I had a mini f* up. Isabel was overly sensitive on our ride back...meaning she was ugly crying for no real reason. Diego has been hurting and had some gut problems the last few days, not ideal, but “grouchy” IS his new middle name (a topic for another day, sort of). I felt like Isabel needed some special time...it was a big day, and at four years old in a middle of a pandemic, emotions are hard to process! I agreed to rub her with lotion, do her nails and get her some “juice water”^. 

Not so smart mom brings the red dyed water (fruit punch) upstairs and accidentally spills it on our cream colored carpet. Needless to say, Diego was grouchy (many other ways to express his attitude at that moment but I will be kind). Nails were done, but now Diego is angry cleaning and Isabel is complaining again because she wants to do a sleepover in Cristians room. And Cristian is lost in his head ignoring my instruction to brush his teeth and deciding he will parent Isabel and give her his own options to rectify the situation (he is only 8 by the way and barely remembers to wipe his own butt! Sorry that was below the belt).

When this all came to a head for me was when Diego disappeared to bed, I gave in to the sleepover, and then proceeded to clean leftover hair from Cristians haircut earlier [of course I had just deep cleaned the same bathroom the day before], I switched over laundry, made my sons lunch, swapped out the old for new ink on our printer, checked work emails, prepared backpacks and the logistics for Cristians first day back to school tomorrow. All this within the span of about 40 minutes and while the rest of the family drifted off.

I had a moment where I walked into each of their rooms and physically ensured their well-being but mentally cussed them out! So, I really do love them...and I know 75% of the time my labor and stress is my own fault, but there are days where I just don’t like them very much. I said it! Hmph! Tomorrow is a new day...and one with both kids at school, thankfully!

^juice water is just a squirt of Flavor (MiO) into her water...not some special ambient laced concoction to get her to sleep...I wish! Kidding, but not kidding😒

[mellamogennifer]

Kid #2

So many things are fundamentally the same with a second kid; parents are still tired, we still needed a ‘million’ diapers, were always eagerly looked out for each milestone. However, there were such obvious differences for us raising our daughter.  I feel like my husband and I could see all our parenting flaws as we have raised our daughter. And yes, that is being extra critical...as parents we do have flaws, but we did kind of beat ourselves up saying ‘wow, now I see we did that wrong with our son”:-(  Many of our family members are quick to point out we shouldn’t say we did it ‘wrong’, just different and that each child is unique, but my husband especially, really kicks himself reflecting on what he would have done differently if he could go back. 

And the truth is, our son is an amazing kid (of course I’m biased), but there are certainly behaviors that I wish we had responded to differently. I’m certain I could ask a handful of parents, and they would probably agree that raising their second child was dramatically different than the first. As new parents, just the sound of a baby crying got us on edge and we responded to our son with more immediately and with fervor! We rocked him to sleep every night, tended to him and fed him every time he woke up, panicked over a tantrum or outburst, tried to mediate and control/manage his emotions, and read a lot of literature and implemented pediatrician-recommended processes to do everything ‘by the book’. 

We have since learned and certainly feel more confident as parents, so our daughter is much more independent and self-assured, and certainly strong-willed. We dealt with lack of sleep for most of the first year of our son’s life. For our daughter, by the time she was 3 months old, we could get a solid 6 hours of sleep and never looked back!  I breastfed way better with my daughter, she seemed to cry a lot less in general (but that could just be we didn’t notice it as much). They are also very different kids, and her greatest advantage is that she has her brother; to compete for attention, to model behavior, to learn. 

I truly believe that at the core of it all, the fundamental difference, was that our son sensed our fears and uncertainty. I know he felt loved and cared for; my husband and I worked from home his entire first year, so he was doted on day-in, day-out (also something we feel was maybe not ideal as parents). But I struggled to breast feed (and gave up early), and that is probably a normal story line for new moms. I was panicked all the time if he would latch, did he get enough...and he felt my panic and uncertainty! For our daughter...I was literally a fountain of milk (sorry, TMI) and we truly bonded during those intimate times, but I also went back to work 4 months after she was born...rarely working from home.  Very different environment to connect with my daughter, compared to my son. 

Raising kids does need to be flexible, to accommodate the current family climate and to adjust to each kids unique personality. My husband and I try to be each other’s cheerleader, and remind one another that while there is always room for improvement, we are good parents, and we can truly say we are doing our best...that we have good kids! 

[mellamogennifer]

Motherhood Part II

So this isn’t the name of a movie in the theaters, but my preparation into becoming a mom for the second time. 

I’m now 5 months pregnant with my second and anxiously awaiting the next phase of this incredible and crazy adventure of parenthood. I’ve been absent from posting anything for awhile because of hectic work schedules (and just feeling like with the little time I do get in a day, I want to spend it on something other than writing), but it is therapeutic. And honestly, a blog is a way for me to capture my feelings - fears, joys, concerns, inspirations and perspective for my children and family to see years down the road.

I honestly love-hate the freedom that social media offers; love it because its like a permanent stamp in time, to document a moment in your life. I hate it because I see many people using it for verbal attacks or voicing opinions that can be hateful and just ugly. So having my own personal ‘blog’ is for no other reason than becoming a time capsule for my words. 

Right now, my son loves me and he listens to me and wants to be around me. He’s too young to understand my ‘philosophy’ on life, or for us to sit and talk about things going on in the world, or my hopes and dreams for his life. He’s too young to understand the already amazing memories and stories about his first 3.5 years of life (yes, he’s 3 and a half). So for now, I hope to write some of those ‘conversations’ down and maybe one day he will look back and read them and appreciate or just enjoy all the adventures we had as a family. 

My goal is not just to share my experience as a parent, but to remember what life was like for me personally; some of the challenges of seeing my body change so much over the last few years, the guilt of still being a workaholic, and the relationship that has blossomed and changed over the years with my husband/father of my children. 

We don’t know how much time we have on this earth, we can’t control if our card is pulled and time is up, but I can control the story I want to share and the memories I want to document while I’m still around...so here goes nothing!

[mellamogennifer]

This Woman Will Change How You See 'Before' and 'After' Weight Loss Pics Forever

Just amazing, and refreshing to see a woman show us we should embrace our body. It's something I struggle with as a former athlete and new mom, it's a long road to acceptance, but I'll get there. Especially after seeing things like this!

[mellamogennifer]

P90X. Insanity. Does any of it work?

Years ago my husband, Diego, bought me the P90X program. It was very popular at the time and I always complained about needing to find a new way to exercise. When I got the CD's for my birthday, I was so excited and thought I was in for major change. I started the workouts in our apartment, the floor boards creaking and cracking as I did the exercises. I immediately hated the yoga CD, so I always skipped it.  Yeah, maybe I saw a difference, but really it was all just in my head that some magical workout program would return my body to my former basketball days...lean, mean and tone!  Nope! I was working non-stop, was attempting to have a social life, and worked within a department that encouraged potlucks and eating crap daily. To make the program work, you really have to live, eat, breath and embody health...and that wasn't me at that age (still isn't now). 

I recently saw the T25 program infomercial, 25 minute workouts from the same guy that did Insanity. I admit, I busted out my old P90X CD's and had a renewed sense of hope that even after my attempts so far (Women's basketball league, BootCamp, Aerobics Class, 5am gym time at 24 hour fitness) trying the P90X program this time would be different. I then went and ate a pop-tart. So it's not really that the programs don't work, it's that I don't work with the programs.

I have had the hardest time changing my eating habits. I don't feel that I ate 'everything' when I was pregnant, and honestly, I don't eat that bad now...but to really see results, I have to change my entire thinking about food and um, HELLO...that way of thinking is 31 years in the making!I feel like such a failure...daily. My jeans don't fit, I refuse to wear fitted shirts or anything that would cling and show my 'muffin top'. I used to be so fit, people would make comments about my muscles and how in shape I was, how fast I could run, how high I could jump.

I admit it now, looking back...as a former college athlete, my body was an amazing thing. And don't get me wrong, a woman's body is always amazing...in that we can grow, give birth to and feed a living being! But having experienced a level of fitness and health that only a select few women have experienced and then being where I am now...it's depressing!

I guess I'll try the P90X again...I mean it cost like $200 at the time, better get our money's worth at some point. I'll let you know how it goes...though I'm not betting on life-changing results.

[mellamogennifer]

Cristian received 3 shots this past week...but there were 3 more he was supposed to get. Six shots in one day is ridiculous for a 1 year old! We have been researching this topic of vaccinations; some information is startling and then the lack of information is also of concern. As parents, we are concerned with our child's safety, so I agree that there is a huge benefit to buying into present day vaccinations....BUT, we wouldn't need all this 'modern medicine' if our food and environment wasn't so tainted. And timing and amount of vaccinations has become crazy. Most people accept getting vaccinated as if it was the law...but its your individual right...and there isn't enough evidence to say getting vaccinated is the best way to go. So here are some things to think about in this article.

[mellamogennifer]

The Consequences of Exploration

In keeping with the theme of 'exploration', I have to bring up my son's curiosity and need to explore, and the consequences I fear and experience with it. Cristian (my son), loves water. He loves the bath, putting his hand through a puddle or stream of water, and his new outdoor kiddie pool. If I were a one year-old again, I'm sure I would love water too. This also includes ice cubes. Occasionally, Cristian gets to hold an ice cube, because as his mom...I like to have him touch new things, watch his face scrunch in confusion, and try to figure things out.

Last night, I gave him a big piece of ice and I was sitting right in front of him, watching him pick it up and drop it and squeal because it was so cold. I am amazed at how the most simple of things can interest a kid; I think we are just going to wrap a box up for Christmas and watch him get excited over...well, nothing! He will think it's the best gift ever and so will we since we will spend about $2! But I digress. Stupid me...failed to remember that ice melts and the size of the ice cube shrinks. Before I knew it there was water everywhere, the large piece of ice was small and headed to Cristian's mouth. And yep...he quickly swallowed it. I'm not kidding when I say it was about 2 seconds for this all to happen.

I freaked out, and reached for him ready to do my baby CPR while cursing myself for being so stupid.

How could I even let him play with ice?

How could I let it get to his mouth before stopping him?

How could I have put his life in danger like that?

Am I that bad of a mom?

For new/first time moms I'm sure you have had something happen with your little one that had you questioning your ability as a mother, possibly crying, and stressing that you just barely missed a horrible disaster by being so absent-minded about your kid! I admit, I did tear up...and felt like a bad person for letting it happen. Cristian? He was just mad that the ice was gone and that I had squealed in horror. My husband tried to let me know that it was ok, I wasn't a bad mom and to hold my son and let him know it was ok (he is more cautious than I am, and had reminded me a couple times that ice was not a good idea).

My point is, I know things will happen. Cristian will get hurt, many things will be out of my control, but in this situation what made me so mad was that this was something in my control. After 1 year of life, have I become so complacent with his safety? I want him to explore and learn and grow, and honestly I do want him to get hurt (not bad) and get sick, because that is the only way we learn...but I don't want it to be because I failed to protect him.

Stress? Oh yeah, that's an every day thing for me...especially now that he is walking. And I often wonder how my mom, or my grandma managed to raise kids with the same amount of dangers around, kids that were probably even more independent, and less remedies and support for those "ICE: In Case of Emergency" situations? Each day is a chance for exploration; for Cristian to learn something new and for me to test my emotional boundaries as his mom.

[mellamogennifer]

Let's get it started!

I am all about exploration...but I'm certainly not a writer by trade, so starting a blog is only about trying something new. But it's also about not having an outlet right now and having a lot of things on my mind! I grew up writing a journal and will always be an advocate on the therapeutic benefits of writing.

I've been doing a  lot of research and internet searching lately for two major things:

1) What can a 1 year old eat?

2) What are the best exercises to lose your post baby tummy?

Question one came about from freaking out over what I can let my one year-old son eat, since everywhere I read...it was the 1 year mark when we can start exploring new foods and not worry about him having some allergic reaction or major diarrhea (yuck!). I'm happy that my son will eat just about anything, including all the non-edible items...but as a new parent, its not always obvious what he should and should not eat, there are so many suggestions, advice, and opinions!

The most recent food introduction has been to 2% milk. Yes, I know some seasoned mothers and doctors will say, "No, whole milk is what you start with", but my kid is not the normal size. He is and has been above the 95% percentile for his age since a month after birth (he's 29lbs at 1 years old...he can squash a 2 year-old!). So, 2% milk worked and he hasn't had many issues..but my husband thinks we should try out some of the organic milk products. Can you say "GMO"? We'll see how organic milk goes...2% is working out alright, though about 1/3 of it ends up on his clothes or the floor...sooooo, um yeah!

Ok, question two...I knew I would 'stretch' having a child, I knew I would gain weight (more than I should have), I knew I might get stretch marks, but gosh dammit, I was hoping by 1 year "The Pouch" would go away and I could stop looking like I was 4 months pregnant! I love being a mom, I generally had no problems with my pregnancy, but being a former college-athlete (we'll get into that later), I have certain expectations about my body...AND THEY ARE NOT BEING MET!  I have tried to play basketball,  morning Bootcamp, an aerobics class, juice fasts, etc...but I'm just not seeing results. 

Everyone says "It took you 9 months to put it on" and that it will take time to get the weight off, but my goodness, my entire wardrobe is ruined, shoes don't fit me and my social confidence is shot (not that it was very good to start). I work from home, so sometimes I think that makes me a bit more lax about working out and being healthy, but I'm going to the gym 4x a week. It's a never-ending struggle...1+ years in the making.

Oh well, we'll see what tomorrow brings!