Memoirs of a Man-Whore

I recently came to the realization that I am a polyamorous male. Not in the sense that I want to be with multiple women in multiple relationships at once. More like I find beauty in so many women, and my heart can't decide where to go, which path to follow, who to choose.

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The end.

Its time for me to end this. For the past couple weeks I've been in distress about the situation. I didn't know how to handle it. I think I do now. I don't know how many listeners or readers I had, what I do know is that this blog help me more than you could possibly imagine. I feel like getting the thoughts that I was having out of my head in on to a physical surface albeit on the internet. I feel like it really helped me gather my thoughts as opposed to letting them just bubble beneath the surface and pushing them away behind a mask as much as possible. As for how I plans to a handle it, here is what I've decided. I am going to talk to Shannon in the next couple days and tell her that things between her and I won't work out. As for Janette, who I'm sure is reading this at this very moment. I want you to know, that I am not going anywhere. I will not push you. I will not pursue you. Like I've said, I am whatever you need me to be when you need me to be it. I won't lie, my feelings for you have doubled if not tripled since I began this blog. However, whatever happens is completely up to you. I'm a very patient man, with all the time in the world. Thank you, for everything. Love is like Ambrosia, Nectar of the gods. Eating at the hearts of men, Weakening their resolve. Making them crave it, When they know they shouldn't. Addicted by just one taste, Forever hunting for more. ~Anonymous

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Day IDER-Cont.

The reason for my last post was because something less than fortunate transpired today. It all started when I received text last night from Janette and it said that Josh, a friend of mine who works at the local hookah lounge, had given her a free smoothie. Which is no big deal if not for the fact that he was clearly hitting on her, especially when she asked her to hang out today. The thing about it all is I wasn't even mad about him hitting on her because of my interest in her. Yes part of me was a little jealous, but I try my hardest not to let those feelings overwhelm me especially when I'm not in a relationship with the person. I have no right to be. Now normally a guy hitting on a girl wouldn't be a big issue if it wasn't for the fact that Josh has been upset with me lately because a few weeks, maybe even over a month ago, I started dating and hanging out with a girl that he was interested in and he doesn't know that I'm interested in Janette so that's not his reason. Now he is still upset with me after everything transpired because he has been trying to get back with her, but it's been going slowly because of everything that she knows about him and everything that she found out about him. Then he goes around and starts doing this which frankly pisses me off because if he's really as committed to her as he says he is, he wouldn't be doing this. On top of all of this besides my anger towards Josh, I feel really hurt today. Because of the fact that I invited Janette to hang out with me today on a purely platonic level. Yet she told me that today wasn't a good day for her. Then while discussing Josh's offer to hang out, she said that she was considering hanging out with him. That is when I felt the most jealous and the most hurt. I tried not to let my personal feelings affect my judgment on telling her what I felt about it, and I felt that is a bad idea. Yes I do have feelings for her, but that wasn't the sole reason for me telling her that it was a bad idea. There is so much about Josh the not many people see. In my eyes he is not a good person. Really hope she doesn't think everything I do is an attempt at getting into a relationship with her. There have been so many instances I've asked if she could hang out. All of which were out of boredom and wanting to spend time with a friend. Every time it feels like she turns down the offer. Ah well, I guess time will tell.

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Day IDER

Every inch of my body is screaming "Stop chasing her! Let her come to you." I'm really starting to get tired of running in place. So here the path changes.

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Day 8

So yesterday, I talked with my mom about the situation in detail. She warned me to stay away from Jannette. She said that she was toying with me and if I put distance between us, her true desires will become apparent. Part of me heard her and believed in part but every other ounce of my being said to ignore her. So I did. I ignored her. This morning I recieved a call from Jannette telling me she wanted breakfast, so being me. I threw on nice clothes, invited her over and made waffles, scrambled eggs, and bananananana (batman?) nut muffins. We talked and enjoyed the food. Then our friend Sean came over and we all went upstairs. (Background info. I run an rp and they are members. Today was their first day. Or supposed to be.) So we got started making their characters and Jannette had to run because she had plans. My mothers words resonated in my head. She said she would probably be back later but never returned. So I spent the day with Sean, hanging out, and it was fun. Suddenly I felt furious buzzing from my pocket from Shannon telling me how she wished I was there with her and Jannette, and apparently Steve (her boyfriend). My mother's words resonated in my head, but my memory of the time she told me she couldn't see a future with him pulled me back. I always knew that they were together, I was sure they would hang out, but I never actually heard about it until now. Needless to say I feel discouraged, and sick to my stomach because Shannon kept telling me she wanted to cuddle and do coupley things like Steve and Jannette, and all it made me feel was remorse. The day had been fantastic til I recieved those 6 messages. Oh well I knew what I was getting myself into. Though my stupidity and inability to control the way I over correct for my actions has dragged me down farther than I had been before. So now. I sit and watch. My mother's words resonating in my head. Love the life we live.

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Day 6-2

Hung out with the two of them today (Janette and Shannon). Everything about it felt tense. They had been worried sick and were freaking out about me because I was late and unresponsive, because of last night. I felt awful for making them worry. After a few hours things became comfortable and natural. We all got back into the swing of a group dynamic. I tried keeping to myself on the side, not make Janette feel uncomfortable, and not progress things with Shannon. It was all going well. Then Janette left for work. Shannon kept trying to comfort me which didn't help in the slightest, it just made me feel guilty, so I put on a facade of gratitude. Tried to play it off like nothing was wrong, that my feelings aren't the way they are. I don't know how to progress the situation without hurting her. I know its better to do it sooner rather than later, I just hate the feelings that come with it. Gotta love the life we live...

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Day 6

I went for a run last night to clear my head, to gather my thoughts. I ran and I ran until my heart felt like it was going to explode and my side felt like a sword had been thrust into it. I looked at my phone and saw it was 5 in the morning and looked around and realized I had no idea where I was. So with 5% battery I pulled up maps and memorized the directions to get home. The reason for my scattered thoughts continues to be the situation of last I spoke. 4th of July I went out with some friends and set fireworks off in the middle of a lake. It was the best experience ever. However all I could think while on that lake... was how badly I wanted Jannette there. Then one night similar to last I kept thinking about the situation how I feel and every fiber of my being and heart wanted to open up to her. Which is bizarre to me because there have been so many relationships in the past that I never opened up. Suddenly I feel urged to. Not like I have to or its required. I genuinely wanted too, and it felt weird. Despite my desires I didn't because I know that with the current state of everything it wouldn't be wise. For the first time in a while I have put my feelings on the side for what I feel is best for everyone. I'm scared of falling back behind the mask I wore for so long.

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Day 3

Third day this blog has been up and yet it doesn’t seem to have reached anyone. I guess if it stays this way I’ll just give up trying and deal with my situation in other ways.

Since last I wrote Shannon had left for a trip and in her absence I got to spend time with Jannette. It was the greatest feeling in the world spending time with her. I don’t know why but it just felt… right. It started with me helping her paint a room in her house. We were just hanging out and talking, then we started throing paint around and it ended in me teaching her how to fight using a knife. She had wanted to learn to spar for a while, and I was hugely impressed with how fast she picked it up.

Then we realized we needed more paint because we were covered in it. So we went to home depot to pick up some more. The entire time we were in the store people kept looking at us like we were a couple, all I could think was how honored I was that they thought we were. It was… the greatest feeling in the world until I realized she probably didn’t see it the same way.

I got to hang out with her later that night at the local hookah lounge our group of friends visit frequently. At first it was us and a friend of our Miranda. However Miranda was feeling extremely tired and left. So we sat there and talked for a long while and it was the most comfortable conversation I’ve had in a long time. A friend of mine came over and said hey to me and I told her I’d join when Jannette left, because Jannette had a curfue to keep. So after saying our farewells Jannette left and I joined my friend. We got to talking about the situation and she said that from the few interactions she saw we both looked like we were invested in each other. While I was talking with her I told her that I want there to be a woman that when I’m with her all other beauty just enhances hers. That woman I’m pretty sure is Jannette. The only reason it didn’t work with Shannon was due to my over correcting. Now that I realize this I don’t know what to do. I’m so afraid of hurting Shannon, or of getting sucked further into the situation.

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Day 1

First day of the blog. I wanna give some background information on my situation.

Several months ago I met this fantastic woman by the name of Jannette. She had several of the same interests as me, and her personality exploded with mine in the best possible way. I tried so hard not to have feelings for her for the longest time, because she and I hadn't talked for several weeks at the time. However, despite my best efforts, she continued to pop up in my head continuously. In my dreams, in random passing thoughts, and I had no explanation for it. When we finally reconnected it was amazing. everything I had felt, every thought finally made sense.

The first complication I discovered with her was she was in a relationship, but when we first started reconnecting she had told me she and the guy were dating. Which in my mind is completely different from being in a relationship. So I flirted with her heavily, and did my best to charm her. When one night the words "my boyfriend" escaped her lips I quickly realized how I must've been coming off to her, and I felt awful. I had been in a relationship where I was cheated on, and I couldn't believe I hadn't caught her situation sooner.  So I over corrected myself (which I have a horrible tendency to do) and slowly pulled back.

Which is when she introduced me to her friend Shannon. We hit it off really well and things progressed rather quickly. I could tell when the three of us would hang out that things between Shannon and I made Jannette uneasy and tense, despite her best efforts to offer support. Even though I like Shannon she still plans on leaving for school in the Fall which makes things hard for me, because even though I have feelings for multiple women, monogamy is my ultimate goal. I love the idea of a wife, children, and a family. I can't tell if my relationship with Shannon is due to over-correction or not. I have feelings for her and I think she is an amazing woman, but Jannette still runs around my head constantly and I feel horrible for it. I connect to both of them on so many levels and I don't know where each of the paths go, so... I hope I can get it together fast enough not to hurt anyone. Though I fear it may be too late.

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Introduction.

Hello, my name is Lucius. It isn't really but I do not wish for people who know me, friends, and family to judge me if they were to see this. I will be changing the names of everyone I include in this blog to protect their identities as well. Recently I came to a realization which troubled me. The experiences that follow this discovery will be interesting to say the least. I am a man-whore. Not in the sense that I sleep with every woman I meet, or that I cheat if I'm in a relationship. Its just that I see beauty all around me and it tears my heart apart trying to decide what I want in life. Right now for instance there are two women, both are truly beautiful, fun to be around, and I have chemistry with them beyond belief. Alas by some sick twist of fate and situational irony. I have been cursed to feel strongly towards them both. This blog will be dedicated to sharing my experiences, sharing what I've learned so maybe someone else out there who is going through the same thing can learn from me, or see that they aren't alone.