This is it from here on out. Here’s to my new clean slate. Here’s to no longer allowing myself to be hurt, used, taken for granted, disrespected, or betrayed by anyone because it’s what a lifetime of guilt has convinced me that I deserve. I’m DONE. Here’s to not accepting anything less than I deserve. Here’s to whole-heartedly listening to my intuition. Heres to believing in myself, my strengths, my confidence, my talents, my creativity, my power, my bravery, and most of all my lessons and my future. I have no regrets; only lessons. Pain and change are inevitable; suffering is optional. I know better now. Here’s to reconditioning myself into healing. I’ve suffered enough, my sentence is over. I'm excited for shedding toxicity and allowing my own non-toxic self to breathe in new life and new growth and most of all for the future! And last but not least...here’s to forgiving myself. I’m sticking to myself and protecting my energy. Here’s to me and my time. -KL
Everyone wants a definition of what a Soulmate is...I nailed it with my last piece of writing.
A soulmate is someone that against all odds (especially being raised Episcopal and Christian) is a single person that makes you question your whole existence and how you’ve survived this long without them while simultaneously makes you believe in reincarnation and multiverse theories because you can’t imagine a world where you’re not happily ever after with this one single person. And in the end, you’d do anything to change your life in a positive way even for a chance at being with them. Your souls recognize each other which is why the hearts and minds mesh as well as they do. Soulmates are the 3am wake up call when we’re stuck in our brains and the 6pm “they had a hard day at work, I’m going to get them something special on the way home.” Soulmates are my favorite “just because” moments. Soulmates can sit comfortably in silence together. There’s a vast level of transparency and honesty between them. Soulmates are old friends that become new lovers when we finally find them. And when you do finally find them: Never. Let. Them. Go. Listen to your instincts because you can’t deny when your person is your person. Soulmates are inevitable and infinite.
Something I’ve been working on in my head since yesterday and everyday in my thoughts:
In case you read this, I must’ve written you a thousand times during late night smoked out thoughts hazily typed on this very screen. Glanced at your pictures in the solitude of the early mornings when you’re first on my mind. My stomach acid rises to prepare for another therapeutic session you’ll never know about. I don’t know how much more punishment I can give or take from myself until I break free or just break. In case you read this, this isn’t just for you...it’s for me too. I needed you when I was confused most and in the end, hurt you. Simultaneously, in silence and secrecy, I cherish our words, memories, and especially the way you looked at me. None of that fades, waivers, or changes. You’re on my mind each day. You wouldn’t know this but I recently had one of the most profound conversations I’ve ever had with my best friend. I told him, “I hope I’m not fucking up my life.” He said, “You have plenty of time to make your life what you want it and need it to be.” My heart and soul questions that with the way the world is going. In case you read this, all I’ve ever wanted my whole life (other than the obvious) is to find my true happiness. In case you read this, know you’re the reason I believe in multiverse theories and reincarnation in hopes that somewhere in this universe that you and I are together in happiness and we are immune to our demons. So in the meantime, in case you read this...until I hopefully see you again...I hope you know that I think of you each day. I hope think of me as fond as you comfortably allow yourself to. And if somehow you can’t...know I understand yet I greedily ask for an ounce of understanding and faith in “everything happens for a reason”. And please know I take responsibility for hurting you and I’m so genuinely sorry. Please know that I miss you too and wish that I had the courage to be able to say all of this to your face in hopes to mend your heart even the slightest. I know I cannot dwell on what has transpired already but this is just In case...you ever read this.
Check out my poem "Time" made with Instant Poetry 2
This was a neat experience! I’m not sure I’m finished with it but it’s a neat start! I’m so posting this for one of my very best friends in this life. Thanks for always being there. You know who you are.
I wanted to know the results of other people’s mental health since the pandemic started. So I did what any intelligent, bored, and currently ill pandemic survivor would do and did some research! I imagined it wouldn’t be positive but my primary goal here is to positively raise awareness to my fellow humans to help change these negative results. Lately, I’ve heard of so so soooo many people depressed (including myself and even people I never would’ve imagined being depressed...are currently depressed). I am enlightened and sad by the realization that this is not only a pandemic due to Covid-19, but also a mental health pandemic.
The CDC says, “Elevated levels of adverse mental health conditions, substance use, and suicidal ideation were reported by adults in the United States in June 2020. The prevalence of symptoms of anxiety disorder was approximately three times those reported in the second quarter of 2019 (25.5% versus 8.1%), and prevalence of depressive disorder was approximately four times that reported in the second quarter of 2019 (24.3% versus 6.5%) (2). However, given the methodological differences and potential unknown biases in survey designs, this analysis might not be directly comparable with data reported on anxiety and depression disorders in 2019 (2). Approximately one quarter of respondents reported symptoms of a TSRD related to the pandemic, and approximately one in 10 reported that they started or increased substance use because of COVID-19. Suicidal ideation was also elevated; approximately twice as many respondents reported serious consideration of suicide in the previous 30 days than did adults in the United States in 2018, referring to the previous 12 months (10.7% versus 4.3%) (6).” “To reduce potential harms of increased substance use related to COVID-19, resources, including social support, comprehensive treatment options, and harm reduction services, are essential and should remain accessible. Periodic assessment of mental health, substance use, and suicidal ideation should evaluate the prevalence of psychological distress over time. Addressing mental health disparities and preparing support systems to mitigate mental health consequences as the pandemic evolves will continue to be needed urgently.”
Mayo Clinic lists the symptoms of depression:
“Although depression may occur only once during your life, people typically have multiple episodes. During these episodes, symptoms occur most of the day, nearly every day and may include: Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness, Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters, Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports, Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much, Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort. Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased cravings for food and weight gain, Anxiety, agitation or restlessness, Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame, Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things, Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide, Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches. For many people with depression, symptoms usually are severe enough to cause noticeable problems in day-to-day activities, such as work, school, social activities or relationships with others. Some people may feel generally miserable or unhappy without really knowing why.”
The CDC and Mayo Clinic’s articles regarding depression were interesting reads (link for the cdc link is attached if you want to read the whole thing). If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health through this pandemic, please don’t hesitate to message me and I will give you support and resources. You aren’t alone. If you’re not comfortable with that, please call the suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255 or SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Heath Services Administration): 1-800-662-4357 for assistance. If you’re not comfortable with that or you feel it isn’t an emergency and you want other support and resources, you’re welcome to contact a wonderful non-profit agency in Elkhart: Saving Grace Advocacy, Monday through Friday from 9am to 1pm at (574) 293-0482.
These are real statistics, in really dark times for our whole world.
Please check on your friends near and far. Muffle a kind greeting through the mask at the store, work, or wherever you go if you feel safe to do so. A simple message, text, or video chat with someone could mean more than you know to someone. Encourage hope. Support healing. Engage in life. Embrace positivity since we can’t embrace each other. Embody and send positive vibes. Promote creativity. Enjoy the moments. Take nothing for granted. Love compassionately. Be generous. Uplift when you can and get inspired when you need it most. Stay healthy inside and out.
Most of all...
Know that you’re never alone despite how things may feel but also know safe boundaries and reach out for help when you need it.
🤗
-Kelsey
This report describes mental health challenges faced by communities during the COVID-19 pandemic.
Please don’t judge me. They say I woke up one foggy October morning and I was never the same after that. Like I had suddenly changed in a surge of quickly split moments meant for resting, except time was temporarily frozen and those moments were scattered in numerous quantities; like thousands of cold marbles dumped from over 7 feet high on a middle school gym floor and being forced to clean them all up…blindfolded. The marbles never got cleaned up and the ones that shattered are forever lost in the ruins of what I do not remember. When they said I was never the same, I think they all mean that I’m defective. Maybe I am. Or maybe I’m just using my memories to my disadvantage, so I remember what I deserve and what I don’t. In small, wrong, and immoral time periods of my life, I’ve tried to find genuine happiness. I would find happiness and then turn around to go right back to what made me unhappy in the first place. I’m sorry to those who got caught in the crossfire of my demon’s fight to keep me. He loves me more than you and I already love you before loving myself. I don’t feel I deserve to breathe let alone accept the love I give to others. It would never work out. I’m sparing you, I promise. I know in my heart it’s all less than I deserve. Why is it so hard to say goodbye? I’m not just saying goodbye to people I’ve unconditionally loved or time, or feelings invested ...but I’m saying goodbye to the demon that reminds me I deserve less. The demon that’s been closest to me for as long as I’ve been alive but especially the last 14 years. The demon that loved me in the most fucked up ways …when I felt no one else did. The demon that has reminded me that time here is short and I’m wasting it on sunrises in my rearview mirror. My toxic trait isn’t being addicted to a substance, food, gambling, or people; it’s being addicted to my demon...Guilt. Guilt is nothing but sadness embalmed in weakness which entombs itself in our callous bones. I believe demons are created by elements such as addiction and they feed on our emotions and thrive on our choices that make us human. We try to learn from them the best we can until we’re caught by this invisible entity. This isn’t a just a ghost story, this is a real tale of possession.
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