When I look at myself I don't see an attractive, strong or smart person. I dislike myself on nearly every front, and feel as though I cannot change this. I lack the motivation, energy and understanding of the possibilities to do so. The result of knowing this and still being this way often leads me to believing I'm lazy. I fall back on depression, backed up by my own miserable events/times, as an excuse and am constantly at war with whether my lack of willingness to "fix" myself is due to laziness or a problem in of itself.
So instead I distract myself. When I boil it down, my entire life is just me killing time till I get to the next day. Trying not to think about responsbilities and general things that I must do in life to meet society/others basic expectations. I spend money recklessly on occassion, and believe that is linked to this.
I considered that perhaps I'm too pessimistic, that there are plenty of good things in life and I'm too focused on the bad to see them or I take them for granted and don't properly appreciate them. On the subject of the former, I feel that I must cling to, at least the idea, that I am depressed, as it gives reason to my feelings and actions. Without it, I must confront that I might be a lazy and unappreciative person, which I definitely don't want to be (particularly the unappreciative part). As for the latter, things like enjoying music or seeing my friends makes me happy. Maybe the issue is that those are 'good times' and there are 'bad times' in the same quantity, but both of these 'times' are in a huge pool of grey dulled slop that consumes the good times and makes me easily forget how happy they made me.
I should think more on this when it's not 6 in the morning, but I know I won't want to, and will probably put it off.
