The theme of this blog is stuff that I like so expect zero consistency. You will find the occasional funny or political post but it’ll just mostly be stuff I obsesse over.
I wanted to give Harrison Browne his flowers in what little way I could so here’s this quick portrait. What an inspirational human being. (And the only pro hockey player on the damn show.)
Best of luck in all of your endeavors. I hope Connors got his room service.
I don’t really have anything new to add to the conversation but I miss when we were talking about Shane having a crush on certified kind cutie Carter Vaughan. The vibes with that headcanon are so sunny. Shane’s little head swivel like “don’t even sweat it Vaughany” or whatever he says. No notes! Let Shane Hollander plant himself next to Carter at the mens firgure skating short program while also worrying about Ilya. He’s a guy and he likes guys. Let the guy have a crush and let it be on Carter.
@butimaficwriter this is making me smile so big! Carter is flattered and a little flustered!! Not completely immune! Would never act on it but hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm he’s thinking about it a little.
Assorted free-range headcanons about Hollanov at 45-55 years old:
Shane starts getting grays at 35, so by 45 he is a salt-and-pepper kING. It makes for a distinguished photograph on his memoir. He has a ghostwriter, obviously, how do you expect him to just sit and write all day? He writes the chapter about his and Ilya's rivalry though, only at the end of the chapter is he like "And we were married in the summer of 2021 with a honeymoon in Spain. He's the best person I know." after just a dry comparison of all their stats Pre-Centaurs.
One child. Boychild. Shane's genes and a Russian name. Conceived via surrogacy after Ilya retires first due to busted ass knee syndrome. Child enjoys hockey. Not great at it. Looooves playing the oboe in school band. Shane checks it out and AS IT TURNS OUT the oboe is a difficult, competitive instrument. They proceed with characteristic intensity, as if this was athletics. Son, you're gonna win at the oboe.
Ilya needs glasses. He just steals Shane's off his face and it's a whole ritual that ends in them kissing. Boychild is mortified every time they're trying to read a take-out menu.
Shane gets into hockey commentary/podcasting and is notoriously. Um. Not Nice. A lot of "What?? What did I say??" It's never personal though. Just about players' shitty game.
Ilya is Big. Chunky. He's glorious. Muscle that now has fat over it. Arms like tree trunks. Torso: round. 100% Naturalized Canadian Citizen Beef. Hair, everywhere. Shane must BITE to check it all out and make sure everything is in order.
Shane gets really into individual athletics- rock climbing, marathons before he also gets busted ass knee syndrome, biking, swimming, anything where it's like testing the limits of his body against himself. Ilya is like a "fifty push-ups every day keeps me in shape enough to fuck you right" kind of guy, but he joins in sometimes just to make Shane get furious with competition
New rookie/juniors player billeting every year once boychild goes to music conservatory so they build a whole separate wing for the youngsters so it doesn't interfere with empty-nest fucking
Once they hit 50 they do get up stupid early like old men do and have old man coffee shop time with David Hollander (professional boring old man) at their favorite diner. Shane really cherishes this time with his dad and makes it a point to do it as often as they can. Conversely, they build Yuna a mother in law house when David passes away (death comes for us all) and she becomes crazy hockey mom to all their rookies.
there's a theragun in every room of the house and trying to unfuck their various Busted Ass Issues becomes just another step in sex prep
Shane is terrorising the local birdwatching community
Ilya is personally if inadvertently responsible for at least four divorces among his kid's schoolmate's parents
every time they attend a Centaurs game they end up on kiss cam (which isn't even a THING Shane is convinced they do this just to fuck with him) and they always pretend to be reluctant and roll their eyes and oh, fine, if you insist *smooch* *deafening cheers*
they're not really famous anymore anywhere EXCEPT Ottawa, where they're very famous but everybody's kind of agreed to be chill about it and also now that they ACTUALLY have time to spare they're just like, doing stuff. so you get an excited insta post from somebody new in town like omg i think i just saw shane hollander at tim horton's??? and the comments are all "dude obviously he always gets a coffee and a box of timbits thursday afternoon, where else would he be"
i think shane is crazy enough to get pissed off by troy saying "ilya." like that's rozanov or captain to You . and also to Me in certain sexual contracts but that's Besides The Point,
one day on the road, Ilya’s casually browsing through channels when he lands on house hunters. He’s like, “oh look, they have free porn for Shane Hollander” and Shane rolls his eyes but neither of them turn it off. 3 episodes later, they’re still watching and yelling about ugly houses that are over budget and terrible husbands that won’t let their wives get the pool they want
It becomes a tradition on the road. After they fuck, they cuddle up and watch an episode or 2. Sometimes they switch to shark tank during commercials because Ilya loves how mad Shane gets at the awful pitches
It gets to the point that Bood’s complaining about sharing a hotel wall with Ilya and Shane. And a rookie’s like, “Why? Do they have super loud sex?”
and Bood says, “Well, yeah, but the bigger issue is they shout about open floor plans.”
I just think, based on the way Ilya had his hand down his pants for the entirety of the Boston conversation, that after he and Shane are settled in their relationship his relaxation always includes somewhat inappropriate Shane touching. They're watching a movie with Shane resting on his chest? Ilya's hand is on his bare ass, fingers playing along the crease where his butt becomes his thigh, occasionally lifting the cheek and letting it go just to feel it jiggle. Shane's on the couch reading? Ilya's crawling between his legs and resting his head in the crease of his thigh. Shane's cuddled up with his back against Ilya's chest? Ilya's hand is resting on that man's cock. It's not necessarily sexual, it's not consciously possessive (although it is subconsciously possessive in that Shane's body is his to touch in whatever way he wants), that's just how he's most comfortable.
Meanwhile, Shane Oral Fixation Hollander always has some part of Ilya in his mouth. So they're cuddled up, Ilya's right hand on Shane's ass, the left one in his mouth and it's become so normal that neither one of them gives it a second thought. There's definitely a time or two where they accidentally do it around other people, like they're watching a scary movie with the Pikes and don't realise that Shane's had two of Ilya's fingers in his mouth for the past ten minutes until Hyden catches it out of the corner of his eye and goes "dude, what the fuck??" or they're heading back with the Cens after a series of away games and they're cuddled up on the plane, both half asleep, when Ilya's hand just makes its way down Shane's pants to rest in the crease of his groin and when Troy says "Roz, you'll be home in like two hours, can't that wait?" neither one of them realises what he's even referring to.
I know in my heart that shane is the type of person who would never bring up essential personal details until they are immediately relevant and then would also be so understated about them
he and ilya are hanging out in the yard and some bees are buzzing around because some watermelon juice spilled on the ground earlier and shane suggests they go inside or rinse the juice off the patio and ilya teases him about being scared of little bees and shane SO nonchalantly just, "no, but i am allergic and you don't know where my epipen is"
reblogging with my own tags because i'm also CACKLING imagining the implications of this not being specific to ilya, either. they're having a barbeque at hayden and jackie's house and hayden is good-naturedly encouraging shane to try a piece of coffee cake or something and ilya just goes, "no, bad for you"
and hayden IMMEDIATELY is on the defensive because what? you get to tell him what to eat now? where do you get o-
"no, bad for him because it has walnuts in it, pike. you want him to die? this is what you want?"
"what are you talking about?"
shane: "i'm allergic"
"??? since WHEN??"
"since always??"
"you've eaten over at my house HOW many times?? and never brought this up? the fuck, dude?"
yuna and david dialing IN to "if you don't freak out, they won't freak out" during shane's formative years to the unintended and unfortunate side effect of ending up in situations like bb!shane going *calm tug tug on david's shirt* "yeah buddy?" *big inhale that audibly wheezes as his throat starts swelling shut*
the idea of ilya on instagram accidentally pressing like while DEEP in allergy mommy blogging territory and natalie from That Allergy Mama DMing him to be like "hi, my husband wants me to tell you he says hi and that he's a big fan and also that call against you against san francisco was bullshit." "hello, husband of natalie. also do you have any suggestions for substituting peanuts in this recipe?"
shane at the other end of the couch after thirty minutes of ilya not looking up is just ??? who the FUCK are you texting down there??? and ilya still without looking up just, "many many sexy women who are crying because i am married now. they are very upset." as if his ass isn't diligently taking notes from a married mother of four on a good allergy-friendly pad thai recipe because shane mentioned in passing that it smelled good the last time ilya ordered some and now ilya wants to find out how to make some he can try.
he gets filmed for a what i eat in a day/day in the life type video and is so used to thinking about substitutes at this point that he doesn't even think about it when he mentions them in passing. they keep an allergy friendly household so the stuff he mentions is compliant, but it's paired with comments like, "and then i add some wowbutter, which is soybeans and not peanuts. we also sometimes have sunflower seed butter, but the texture for this is better with the wowbutter. i have also tried this, what is it called-shane: the gross paste with beans" *shane, offscreen from the living room*: "chickpea butter?" "yes, this." "it's nasty" "yes, not good. their jar says it is, but it is not. anyway-"
and it truly IS casual for him because this is just how he thinks now, but everyone else just ??? allergy friendly homemaker ilya rozanov??? since when??
A. the idea of ilya being lowkey stressed about shane surprising him and potentially being exposed to allergens is so fucking funny. ilya who ends up also keeping an allergy-friendly household PURELY because it's just less stressful that way. meanwhile the motherfucker WITH the allergies is SO fucking casual about it that it wouldn't even occur to him to ask ilya to do that.
B. when they're pushing the friendship cover, ilya gets nudge nudge jokes about trying to copy what hollander's doing, and he's not going to share information shane didn't greenlight to get out, so he just plays along. and now there's like. at least three other players lowkey accidentally following an allergy diet because they don't know it's an allergy diet. why do hollander and now rozanov not eat tree nuts? unclear, but they're also the best two players in the entire industry so it's worth a shot to copy them.
C. people being so afraid of ilya's wrath if shane has an allergic reaction to something at their house is KILLING ME. shane just fucking. STANDS near a plate of peanut butter cookies on the table in the backyard during a barbeque and four different people are immediately there shoving him away because they will NOT answer to rozanov about this. they will NOT die over cookies. who is the IDIOT who brought PEANUT BUTTER COOKI-
@lucky-santangelo ilya only getting five seconds of feeling smug and holier than thou before shane puts him on blast is KILLING me XD
@shanetism the idea of ilya finding out how many times he could have potentially killed shane over the years from not knowing this VERY IMPORTANT THING ABOUT HIM and shane's life flashing before HIS eyes is so funny. also the idea that shane was going to show him the fucking WELL at the cottage and just not mention the drawer his epipen is in and ilya being so ??!!! HOLLANDER ?!?! PRIORITIES ?!?!
shane groaning SO loud when ilya first breaks out the allergy cards because GOD ilya it's NOT that serious this is embarass-
oh? is this more or less embarassing than having allergic reaction in the middle of a restaurant and needing your epipen? hm? shut up and take the fucking shiny cards, hollander.
and riFUCKINGp to the restaurant that lied about not using peanut oil in their fryer as an angry, stressed ilya is stuck in a hospital lobby with wifi and a lot of energy that has nowhere to go until he's allowed to be back with his husband. you're DONE FOR.
also ilya being lowkey SO fucking frustrated at shane having allergies AND refusing to eat fast food, especially when they're on the road so often and ilya eats allergy-free when they're together. hollander, pick a struggle. you know what will not kill you? mcmuffin. she loves you. look at her allergen list. she is safe. this organic artisinal breakfast wrap from this tiny cafe cannot say the same. she does not love you like mcmuffin. she probably whores around with peanuts.
GOD the psychic damage ilya takes the day he finds out body products can have allergens in them. his body wash company is getting a SCATHING email about fucking around with their formula when there are PEOPLE with ALLERGIES who RELY ON-
and shane meanwhile is just, "i can take some meds and just be itchy for a little bit. it's seriously not a big deal." "you are covered in bumps! it could have been worse. they should have to give warnings if they are going to fuck around with things like this." "you seriously have to calm down. it's not going to stop me from play-" "shane i cannot overstate how much i need you to not talk about hockey to me right now."
shane growing up who always got, "oh, you poor thing" from well-intentioned adults as a kid and then, "damn, i could NEVER live like that" from same-age peers when older whenever he had to explain his allergies, and it was both annoying and also felt like failing at something when he had to decline a piece of birthday cake or a slice of pizza because it wasn't safe for him.
but if he frames it as a performance diet, then suddenly! admiration! he gets some teasing obviously, but there's also an air of "good for you, man" that lands a lot easier than pity.
this does, unfortunately, mean that he just develops a habit of just never saying ANYTHING when not directly asked lmao.
i feel like shane would reliably tell medical people because this is a Rule for medical settings so yes of course he'll go into detail
for everyone else though??? cackling about people who have known him for literally fifteen years finding out about potentially deadly allergies ONLY because ilya is fucking interrogating the waiter at the restaurant. shane of Before just would have probably declined going and used his diet as an excuse because he didn't want to have it be A Whole Thing. now he has a husband to "he said no pickles" his allergies on his behalf, so he's straight chilling. 🤣
Can we also talk about the Yuna and David of it all?
David spots them at the cottage and they go over, Shane's cottage is obviously allergen free and the shopping he did is all safe for him. Yuna and David know to cook safely, the chicken parm is all good and fine but they say "the croutons aren't safe for you, but you don't like those anyway" just in passing as a matter of habit and Ilya who JUST learned about bananas and latex and bees is like "oh wow! More allergies?? I need a list. Haha" and then they have the meal and the panic attack and they become boyfriends. Before they leave Yuna makes him a copy of her list of all the known allergens and Shane's common reactions to them, it's the first time he hugs her. He looks her in the eye and says "thank you for letting me take care of him. I will be careful."
It's a relief, to know he cares to try. But at the end of the day they JUST met this man. So they cross their fingers and try not to feel the same way they did every time Shane went to somebody's house for a birthday party or a sleepover.
And then they are over at the cottage some night and they decide to order in for dinner. Ilya takes everybody's orders and goes to the kitchen to call it in for them and it's taking *forever* so Yuna goes to see if he needs any help. She finds him sitting with two copies of the list, hers and one translated into Russian for his easy reference. He has the phone on speaker and says "thank you for checking the dressing ingredients, I know is weird request, but sometimes Caesar dressing is safe, sometimes not safe, but he likes it so much is worth checking. Yes, I'll hold again."
They've ordered from this place a dozen times, their recipe for Caesar dressing is safe, YUNA knows that, SHANE knows that, that's why he ordered it. But *Ilya* doesn't. So he's checking. Because Shane wants the dressing and Ilya want him *safe* and *happy*. And isn't that all a parent wants? For their kid to be with someone who is just as invested in their happiness and safety as they are? For somebody who will wait on hold while they check the fry oil and the dressing ingredients and whatever else?
Once Ilya has placed the order and hung up he gets surprised by a hug from behind, thin arms wrapped around him and perfume he's starting to recognize. He's bewildered, but when he asks gently "...Mrs. Hollander?" She just tells him to call her Yuna.
also cackling about the idea of ilya using the group chat with them to be mad about brands changing their ingredients so things that were SAFE are now NOT 😤 it started just as a "hey, those crackers aren't safe anymore" as a collective fyi thing, but it ends up being ilya just mad about safe things not being safe anymore
significantly shane remains SO unbothered about it all
also EXTREMELY funny to imagine ilya suddenly being strict about allergens in his house with svetlana, who has done body shots off of strangers with this motherfucker who is suddenly?? confiscating her granola bar??? ilya what the actual FUCK is happening right now??? "no peanuts inside anymore" "...what the fuCK ARE YOU TALKI-"
Fun fact, i live near the stadium. But my uncle? Oh my uncle used to live rgt in front of it, like super fans would camp out in his building garage bc it was in the same direction as the players entrance.
He couldnt even move the car during game day, and sometimes even during non game days bc people wouls try to see the players b4 and after practice.
Shane would have been dealing with this shit since he was 18/19.
Sidney Crosby once talked how he always wore a cap during game days and his parents wouldnt say his name in public bc otherwise he'd be harassed by parents of the other team. At 12.
Shane and Ilya have the kind of skill that would have been making waves since before they were teens.
Oh this is really interesting insight.
The dedication of sports fans continues to blow my mind. I have seen that Sidney Crosby faced a lot of harassment growing up which is. Bonkers to me. Like he’s 12 and grown adults are coming from him.
Shane and Ilya’s childhoods and the role fame played n them is one of those other details that I wished was a little bit more fleshed out in canon. We got a little flash of it in the show that not everything was sunshine and rainbows when Shane mentioned to Rose that he’d faced kidnapping threats before—which could have all happened when he was an adult, but I personally headcanon that some where when he was younger and started making waves.
We know that Shane and Ilya were big deals by 2009. They’re described as two of the most talked about prospects in the world. But canon just kind of ends there. We don’t really know what form that attention took or when exactly it started or what their relationship with fame is. But if we take their real-life counterparts’ as inspiration, then their fame has fascinating implications for the pressures on their relationship.
Sidney Crosby has been in the news for his hockey ability since he was seven years old. When he was 13, they tried to sue to get him into a league that was above his age level because he was that good.
When he was in minor hockey—not even junior leagues, minor—he did this interview with CBC where he talked about how other players would try to injure him, how he was being verbally abused by the parents of the other team, and about how he’d have to try to keep people from recognizing him between tournament games so the abuse would stop. He moved to fucking Minnesota for a time to get away from the abuse.
Like. Sidney Crosby is a Canadian national hero. He’s a question on their nationalization test. He has the Order of Canada. The man is a legend. Canada loves their hockey boy so much. And he plays for goddamn Pittsburgh.
What happens if Canada’s most special hockey boy gets drafted to its most hockey city, home of its most dedicated hockey fanbase? What happens if that guy revitalizes his team and brings the Stanley Cup home to Canada for the first time in nearly two decades?
Legitimately, can Shane Hollander even go to the grocery store? How many stalkers has he had? When was the last time he’s touched his own wallet in Montreal city limits? Has the Prime Minister name dropped him in a press conference?
How many little kids have told him they want to grow up and be just like him?
Then consider Ilya. What about his public image in Russia?
Hockey is a very big part of the Russian identity, and I do not mean from a cultural standpoint. I mean from a state propaganda standpoint.
Hockey is regularly used by the Russian government to promulgate a nationalist ideology. Athletes are figures you rally around. The Russian government personally promotes athletes as ideals to its citizens to inspire national pride. Look at how much better, faster, stronger we are. The KHL is so entrenched in Russian propaganda that multiple countries are trying to stop their own citizens from joining that League.
The fact that Ilya plays in America instead of the KHL would not insulate him from his role in state propaganda. Sending its hockey players to play abroad is part of Russia’s global playbook. They go out and they beat Western athletes on their own playing field and then Russia pushes their achievements to their own citizens. Look at how much better, faster, stronger we are.
Ilya is based off of Alexander Ovechkin. Ovechkin has fucking Putin’s cellphone number. He was part of Putin’s last presidential campaign. Putin personally sent that guy a gift at his wedding. When Ovechkin broke the record for all-time career NHL goals, Russia immediately incorporated it into a state propaganda push. If you are a big enough Russian hockey player, you are part of the Russian national identity. It does not matter if you don’t play in Russia.
Ilya isn’t just some Russian hockey player good enough to go pro. He is the best hockey player to come out of their country, possibly ever. He is neck-and-neck with some Canadian fuck for the title of greatest hockey player in the world. He is one of the greatest hockey players of all time.
And he’s a guy who was raised by a controlling, abusive family that was heavily involved in the government.
His dad worked for the Ministry of Internal Affairs. That’s Russia’s federal law enforcement agency. It reports directly to the president. And all of his dad’s goddamn medals suggest that he was no small fish. Ilya and his dad have scenes where they are mingling with members of Putin’s cabinet.
There is absolutely no way that Ilya has not been heavily featured in Russian state propaganda. He was the best of the best. His family was already involved in high-level government activities. He is best friends with the daughter of Russia’s Minister of Sport. And he did not have control of his own image. His family was too controlling for that.
This is bigger than him just being a Russian hockey player. Because he isn’t just some Russian hockey player. He is the Russian hockey player. He is the guy that Russia has been pushing to its own citizens as the guy they should all aspire to fucking be, and they have been doing it since he was goddamn 17.
So what does Russia do if Putin’s favorite hockey player defects from the goddamn nation so he can be with his gay lover, the Prince of Canada?
Suddenly it’s not as simple as just choosing to be together. Because there are two very powerful countries invested in each of them. And they do not want the two of them together.
shane speaking russian w sveta but she keeps pinching his cheek and calling him dedushka bc his russian is so old fashioned and formal from his textbooks and ilya is trying soooooo hard not to get an earnesty boner over it all
importantly sveta does laugh at him and say "ARE YOU HARD???" which makes shane get bitchy and say "why are you looking at his dick. and why are you fucking hard pervert. jesus" and ilya is truly in heaven
given the current climate this pride especially i feel i must mention that i love my trans friends, i stand with trans people in the fight against transphobic legislation and those who would enforce it, and this blog is not a good place for you to be if you do not vibe with that
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