Inspired by something @potatooflore said today after having A Day
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@cuckoobirdy
Inspired by something @potatooflore said today after having A Day
@potatooflore top post mentioning you
“Here.”
That’s the only warning Ilya gets before a white medical looking mask is thrown at him. His quick instincts are the only thing to prevent it from hitting him in the face.
“Wear that if you go outside for the next few days.” Shane says it so casually as he continues on his path towards the kitchen, oblivious to the expression of bewilderment that Ilya is currently sending him.
“Are you telling me my breath stinks this bad?” Ilya asks, turning the mask over in his hands. N-95 is stamped on it but it does nothing to alleviate the confusion circling Ilya’s mind.
“No,” Shane scoffs from by the fridge. But he still doesn’t offer any explanation.
Rolling his eyes, Ilya pulls his feet up onto the couch so he can jump over the back, ignoring the noise of complaint from his boyfriend. Ilya waves the mask at Shane, “What is this?”
“A mask.”
“And you call me an asshole.” Ilya mutters, dropping the item onto the counter and pinching the bridge of his nose. “I know it is a mask, Shane. What I don’t know is why you threw it at me and demanded I wear it.”
“I didn’t demand.”
“Shane!”
“It’s fire season.” Shane shrugs, sipping his juice with nonchalance that is both incredibly attractive and incredibly frustrating.
“Not everyone grew up in woods in Canada, Shane. You need to explain.” Ilya should get an award for his patience towards the love of his life. Truly.
Shane gestures at the bay of windows in the cabin and Ilya’s eyes following, looking outside. “Those aren’t grey weather clouds, Ilya. That’s smoke.”
Ilya’s mouth drops, “What?”
He had woken up this morning and saw the overcast sky and thought it was simply a summer storm trying to make its way over. The smell of campfire he’d gotten a whiff of earlier hadn’t been anything suspicious because Canadian’s are notorious for campfires. Nevermind that Shane had no neighbours nearby for there to be anything to smell.
“Yeah. They said air quality is taking a turn for the worse, so best to wear a mask when you’re outside. Also, don’t open any windows or doors for too long. I’ve got good air purifiers in here so we should be okay.”
Shane sounds so calm when he says that. Ilya gapes at him.
“What?” Shane asks, shifting from one foot to the other. “It’s normal to have air purifiers!”
“The world is on fire and you are so calm!”
“Oh,” Shane huffs out a soft laugh, “Canada gets bad wildfires every summer. We got lucky last year — the fires started after you left to go back to Boston. They’re nasty this year though.”
“We are surrounded by trees!”
Shane shakes his head at Ilya’s outburst, “None are near us. I check the fire map daily. And we’d get a notification on our phones if we had to evacuate.”
Ilya actually thinks he’s going to pass out.
“Why the fuck do you people like living out here?!”
Shane smiles and walks over to Ilya, leaning in to kiss him on the cheek, “Canadians aren’t so weak now, are they?”
He pats Ilya on the chest and leaves him standing there in the kitchen, questioning every campfire Shane has lit.
Free service with ads: Well, if I'm not paying for it they have to foot the bill somehow.
Paid service with no ads: Well, if they're not funding it with ad revenue, they need to charge us something.
Paid service with ads: Well that's bullshit.
"We used to be a paid service without ads, but now we're putting ads in it! If you want the ad-free version you have to pay more for preeeeemium": Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Free service with no ads: Okay so these guys are stealing my data
Free service with no ads that stays afloat with regular donation drives: The backbone of society
The boys stub their toes
so you know how tom holland slid into erling haalands dms but haaland “doesn’t watch movies” so he had no idea who it was and didn’t reply? yeah that would happen to shane
“sweetheart, my shane…have you seen this?!”
“seen what ilya?”
“spiderman is on jimmy fallon and says he dm you about dinner and you didn’t reply?!”
“oh is that who that was..huh”
“we could’ve had dinner with spiderman?! боже мой — wyatt will die”
Once hollanov gets outed people on the internet are gobsmacked- not necessarily by them being queer- but by party boy club rat Ilya Rozanov being into bed by 8pm Shane Hollander
Lots of jokes and speculation about the relationship like Ilya having to give up his cool life for bland Canadian guy who never heard of anything but missionary or even perhaps Shane having to become a super freak to keep roz around
Shane is kinda annoyed by it but it’s a better reaction than he was expecting.
Ilya tho….ilya is outraged by the people saying Shane being boring is bad and cracking jokes about it and In a drunken outrage posts something like ‘my sexy husband wears the sleepy time tea bear pajamas to bed and it’s so hot it makes my dick explode’ and other horny posts which immediately goes viral until Harris logs in and takes them down but screen shots have already been taken
Shane does an ad campaign and sponsorship with a cozy pajama company a few months later
ilya being all jittery and nervous before yuna and david coming to visit the cottage for the first time because he wants their approval plays out very interesting to me. he’s vacuuming all the nooks and crevices, he’s organising and reorganising the shelves and shane just going “baby it’s okay they’ve been here when i was behind cleaning before” and ilya’s just no no shane you don’t get it it has to be perfect and so shane sighs and pushes ilya on the couch and just
lies on top of him until yuna and david comes
ilya is awake in the middle of the night and he’s just lying there in the bed, a hand behind his head, the other resting in his stomach and staring at the ceiling when he hears shane asking almost whispering still sleepy and very softly “ilya why you’re so far from me?” and ilya almost burst with the amount of love and cuteness aggression he’s feeling and right away goes snuggles with his husband “oh my baby, i’m sorry” he cooed “i’m here now. let’s go back to sleep” as he pull shane into his arms and burying his face into shane’s hair and smiling while he listen shane letting out tiny pleasure sounds and not long after that with his husband very soft and warm in his arms he finally drifts to sleep
Everyone: omg Hollander leash your dog, Ilya is barking at opponent hockey players again
Shane Enabler Hollander: ok so Ilyusha this player has had zero assists in the entire season, he got drafted last, and finally - and this is crucial - he once scored a goal in his own team's net
Ilya Heart Eyes Rozanov: thank you my ShaneWiki this is valuable data, off I go
Some Sundays, when he is home and not hungover, Ilya goes to church. Orthodox, Russian-speaking. He puts on a suit, likes the way it hugs his shoulders and his hips tightly. He sits in the rough wooden pew, body aware of itself. He lets the easy language wash over him, unthinking. He knows the prayers, mumbles them softly with the others.
During communion, he crosses his arms and receives a blessing instead. He doesn't go to confession anymore, he likely never will again. He will keep his sins to himself; they are precious to him.
After the service, he goes to the annex and indulges in the free, shitty coffee, mingles shyly with the other congregants. Breaks off a piece of fresh pirozhki, crumbs falling on a papery napkin, lets the babushkas tell him all about their lovely, single granddaughters. Recently, some of the children figured out he plays for the Raiders, shyly coming up to him to ask him to sign their service programs. Then, weeks later, they expect him and bring pucks and silver sharpies.
Sometimes, when gossiping with the women or talking hockey with the men, he has to lean in and ask someone to repeat something, not recognizing a Russian word, and he worries he's forgetting. He thinks to ask Shane if he ever can't recognize a word in English or French, but thinks it's too vulnerable, memory being a strange and painful topic for both of them.
He always leaves earlier than all the others, pocketing one more pirozhki for the road and sneaking out without saying goodbye.
The cathedral is the only place in Boston where he is reminded of home and mama and himself. He goes mostly just so he can be in a room where everyone speaks Russian, where he doesn't have to waste precious energy translating all this stupid English. Sometimes, when he is feeling particularly indulgent, he listens to the singing children and he allows himself to believe. In this brief belief-state, he is deserving of his lover, he will see his mother again someday. It barely lasts a minute, and then the heels of his feet start to hurt in his dress shoes.
After, he calls Shane.
people at david’s place of work having a game called: is he talking about shane hollander or ilya rozanov? because david brags about them by referring to both of them as “my son”, and he’s not entirely aware he’s causing confusion either, so now his place of work knows a lot and at the same time very little about shane and ilya lmao
David’s co-workers at Treasury Board of Canada are confused!
Also somewhat jealous that the hockey player distribution system has bestowed two of the best players in the world on Dave in Accounting as his son and son-in-law. Becky in HR and Wayne in Communications might have also liked having a world class hockey player in their families. But no, Dave in Accounting has snaffled all of them. This is the greed they talk about in the bible.
Please note: I have no idea whether David Hollander is an accountant or not. But it works for the bit.
For most of his career, Shane has had a strict schedule of a 6 am run. The weather doesn't always allow for it, in which case he uses the home gym, but he really prefers starting his day with running outside.
The only exception was whenever he or Ilya slept over. Their time together was so limited that Shane sacrificed his strict 10 pm bedtime and 6 am run for evenings spent in Ilya's arms and lazy mornings in bed together.
So the first time Ilya really becomes aware of this habit is after Shane moves to Ottawa. He wakes up, careful not to disturb Ilya, and sneaks out of their bedroom and when Anya wakes up to the sound of him moving around the house, and starts whining at the door, what is he supposed to do other than take her with him on his run?
When Ilya eventually gets up, Shane is back home, freshly showered and sitting on one of their barstools, enjoying his morning smoothie. Ilya appears, bleary eyed eyed and half-asleep, in a robe and wordlessly places a kiss on the crown of his head before gathering Anya's leash and whistling for her to come so they can walk around the garden and she can take care of her business. Shane tells him that's not necessary, they went for a run this morning and Ilya reacts as though this is high treason. He accuses Shane of robbing him of quality time with his daughter and leaving him out of family bonding. It's mostly done in jest but Shane can see that there's a grain of something there.
Which is how Shane reluctantly agrees to move his runs to 7 am and they become a family activity.
everyone post your biggest hear me outs my friend just showed me two conventionally attractive white men in a row i need to teach him what a real hear me out is
.world's largest excavator- nay, world's largest vehicle- the bagger 288
.also, scale reference! just the wheel is 70 feet in diameter
At least one member of the British government is doing their job.
I have this headcanon where in an alternative universe Ilya had a moment of insight at the beginning of their hookups so when The Raiders asked where he was going instead of saying he was gonna see Montreal Jane he was like 'I am gonna see my close personal friend Shane Hollander we are gonna eat takeout and play videogames in his house he is my best friend actually.' And the Raiders were like, 'Yeah, right.' But he kept the bit, and every time they were in Montreal, he told the Raiders he was meeting Shane, and the rivalry was just league PR bullshit. They never truly believed him, but it didn't really matter at the time. And When they were eventually at the cottage and Shane told Ilya his plan Ilya was like 'Do not be mad but I have been telling Raiders you are my best friend and every time we play monteral I come to see you to play videogames and eat takeout for years and they never belived me so there is still plusably denibility but if you wanna launch a friendship we dont have to wait or built up I already laid the groundwork.' And Shane is in his head like 'I am gonna marry this man.' So they announce the charity the same summer and the raiders are like 'well shit he was telling the truth.' And since Ilya did lay the groundwork, when the media asks them about Ilya and Shane's 'have been friends the whole time' narrative, the Raiders are like, 'Yeah, he told us they were friends; we just didn't believe him.' Which makes the public opinion on their friendship largely positive but doesn't really change the overall timeline all that much just gives them some room to be publicly affectionate and kind of takes the heat off the fanmail gate bc instead of the public thinking it was an enemies-to-lovers hot sex in hotel rooms 9-year situationship with messy breakups and hookups in between they think it was a slow-burn friends-to-lovers situation filled with yearning and Queer self discovery which is more palatable to the public.
The other possible angle on this is that when it's really revealed, the Raiders don't want to seem like idiots for being openly told and not believing him for so long, so they go "oh y…yeah, absolutely, we've known they were friends forever" and that helps it seems like "old news, we're all over it already, what rock were you living under?" To the public. And then the Raiders get confused about how much Rozanov actually told them over the years in their barely-remembered, often drunk conversations, because he definitely said "friend", right? Or did he say boyfriend? Did he already come out and we didn't believe him? Anyway, it's a bit embarrassing to get homophobic about it now if we'd already been told years ago, so best to just pretend we knew and accepted it all this time
never forget that you are someone’s most legendary fumble