[miamorjesus]

It’s been a year since I’ve written on here, I doubt anyone cares or reads but oh well, it works for me to do this because I need to somehow take care of myself and this is therapeutic, specially for someone who sees and deals with a lot during everyday life, here as you can tell, I won’t care about grammar or punctuation, but it’s an open free space for me to let my thoughts out to the world in a way. So, where do I start? In 2016 I was officially accepted to my master’s program, and so, miraculously I was entered in with a grant. I praise the Lord, for He is the One that does all things good. Have I had some challenges, of course, but I don’t dwell in them, instead I learn or try to learn from those struggles. What I’ve seen lately is that the children with special needs bring joy and happiness to my life. It’s like I’m in a zone where there is no judgements and hate, but just the crave for love and happiness. Each smile I receive, each eye contact, I for sure do not take for granted all those precious moments. In my life, I’ve let go of so many people, but one thing I know for sure, the ones that were/are easy to let go of, were not meant to be in my life for the long run. Those that truly persevere, those are the ones that stay and truly love. Why?  May I ask? Well, because just like any other human being, I’m not that easy to get along with, or likable in all areas, such that I have my own weaknesses that make me truly human. Those who accept me for who I am, and love me with God’s love, stay. 

I’m grateful for all the great people, high quality, low quantity people in my life. I for sure will try, not to not disappoint them, but to show them the small ways of love that I can show them. Because I know my true weaknesses and one of them is that I am prone to fail and disappoint. 

[miamorjesus]

“Authentic Friendship is  A Treasure”

One of the things I learned in the past few years is to let go, as painfully as it may be , but some people are not meant to stay in your life. I have encountered numerous of people that I have trusted and have shared special moments with, but in the end, I realize that I choose whether or not to continue false pretenses. As much as I love a person with all my heart, and want them to grow deeply into their faith, it cannot be forced. I cannot shove ‘Jesus’ down someone’s throat, first I have to show them through actions. It’s definitely difficult when a person you love, won’t reciprocate the beliefs and morals that you do, striving to continue through this journey of faith. Easy, is not. And although many might see us standing tall during mass, and reciting prayers, it is still difficult and we still struggle. It is not easy to follow Jesus, but what keeps me going? What motivates me? You, my brothers and sisters in Christ, because I have encountered people that have the same desire and hunger to either feel or get to know Jesus Christ in a new level. It is my duty as a true Catholic Christian to spread the good news, evangelize, and live out my faith. I will fall, I am not perfect, nor do I plan to be. Day by day, constant battles, but still here I am. 

Through difficult relationships with other people, I have grown to know myself and my weaknesses.

“Have standards, but stop waiting for perfection. “God’s ways are not our ways, and his thoughts are not our thoughts” (Isaiah 55:8).  We need to stop imagining the perfect relationship and start asking God to help us see the right person for us who will help us become saints.  Relationships aren’t supposed to be self-seeking, but rather self-giving.  It is in giving ourselves that we become who we are meant to be.  Vatican II made it clear that “man, who is the only creature on earth which God willed for itself, cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of himself” (Gaudium et Spes, 21).”

But most of all, seek out people to be around with who challenge you to become a better person. “Surround yourself with friends who challenge you and make you better. If I didn’t have a friend in my life who was looking out for me and who challenged me to “go for it,” I would never have met my best friend and experienced the life of faith I now have in my life.  Authentic friendship is a treasure.  Authentic friendships will challenge us to give more and be in relationships that will make us the best version of ourselves.”

This requires your yes, your commitment, and your faithfulness.  It requires you to “go for it.”

This is the revolution of courage and commitment that will transform the world.

Why are we so afraid of commitment? What has happened to honor and to stand up truly for what we believe in? Cherish, and love one another.

We often commit to do something, but flake out. What is it? Lack of time, too busy? Work, and classes keeping you from your responsibility as a true Christian? Fight the fear of commitment by making commitments — even if that starts with one little “yes” at a time.These don’t necessarily need to be in relationships, but simply in the little decisions of each day.  Do you keep your promises?  Do you show up when you say you will?  Are you faithful to your daily tasks?  “He who is faithful in little things will be faithful in greater things as well” (Luke 16:10).  Start being faithful in little things, and bit by bit you’ll be able to fight that fear of larger commitments.

I’ve experienced lack of commitment in my life, people have failed to come around, but then again, I have been that person too, at some point in my life. 

I just pray that one day, you will realize the beauty of truly committing, not to people or to an organization, but to Christ. Then, you will truly do all things for His glory, regardless of obstacles in life. And through sickness, and all sorts of frustrations of life, you will continue and follow through without complaints. Have faith. Truly have faith, in all things and all aspects of your life. 

Dearest Lord, teach me to be generous; teach me to serve You as You deserve; to give and not to count the cost, to fight and not to heed the wounds, to toil and not to seek for rest, to labour and not to ask for reward save that of knowing I am doing Your Will.

St. Ignatius of Loyola

[miamorjesus]

It’s not about the words that you say to hurt me. It’s not about the pain I feel from the distance you give me. It’s not about the moments of carelessness from your part for me. It’s not about how you made me feel when given the cold shoulder from your part. But it’s about the moment when you looked straight into my eyes and said the words that are hard to forget. It’s about when we were alone, nothing and no one else mattered but just what we felt. But the problem about that, is what were those feelings exactly? It’s time for me to let go, not for me but for you. I have been selfish in wanting to hold on to these feelings for a while, but I have to let you go from my heart, mind and just all the feelings that involve you. It’s not that I don't want it, but there’s nothing there to want. Because the life that I want is not what you want, and I’m sure it’s obvious.  

All this love I have and affection, I want to give to you. I want to be able to truly feel loved and be loved and give love. I want to get to know you more and more, but without the pressures of society and our culture, I want to get to know more of you and you getting to know more of me. The way I experienced you letting go of me so easily, just showed me how I’m not worth spending any more time dwelling into those nonexistent feelings. 

I want to be loved now, and be able to express my kindness, gentleness, and affection in the way Jesus wanted us to do with our future spouse. I want to be able to hold you and feel butterflies in my stomach. To laugh at those jokes I don’t think are funny, but you make me smile. I want a moment of silence from your part when in prayer, and contemplating. 

And the last thing I want, is for you to have to wait for me. The person that is meant to be with me, won’t want to wait and won’t have to wait. Because just as I desire true love: a love that is not about waiting, but about honesty and commitment.  It’s about putting the genuine good of another before your desires. It’s about looking at the moment and seizing it with clarity and intention and making sure you’re loving a person as oppose to using a person to appease some emotional or physical craving. By having mutual respect and truly understanding each other’s boundaries. We crush, fall in love, and get hurt. Yes, I am hurt, but it’s okay! The beauty of this all, is the way we as humans are able to be vulnerable and to accept or not accept what is given to us. It’s about getting to know what you deserve and knowing your own worth. 

Yes, I want to give you all of me: my past, present and future without the guilt of putting ‘pleasure’ before our ultimate goal of being chaste. 

I want that now. I might be selfish, but in all honesty, many of us woman want that, and we are afraid of speaking the truth. But enough is enough. 

[miamorjesus]

There are moments in life where things come unexpectedly and turns everything upside down. When feelings arise, it can be totally exciting and we feel like we are the only ones on earth feeling happy in that moment. Maybe some things are meant to be while others aren't, and how is it that we come to know what is right? Maybe not what is right for you and me, but for the will of God, to please Him and not yourself....

One of the things that I’ve learned during this time of consolation and desolation, I’ve come to realize that no matter what trials we have facing, we will always have the power of Jesus right within us. Yes, we do have  free will, and although it’s dangerous to always give in to that precious gift, we still do it constantly in our lives. For example, when it comes to know who you are and how much you're worth in the eyes of God and not in the eyes of man, life turns completely different for you, than others around you if haven’t experienced the love of Jesus. One thing is to KNOW that you're loved by GOD, but another, is to truly experience it. I’ve experienced it in many ways, but yet again and again I tend to fail Him. When I fail Jesus in a way that I know I can avoid, I become a  different person. I don’t want to continue doing my daily prayers and stop persevering in mass. But not again, because of the ways I’ve failed Him have been continuous and has become habitual, I’ve decided a new way to deal with it. I’ve overcome the shame of not confessing it, which has helped a lot, not only spiritually, but to open my eyes and actually hearing the words of Jesus during confession. Not only is His mercy for us actually real, but the fact that He liberates us from any other feelings that don’t come from Him. I will be tested again and again, but I know the things to do, to not commit any other stupid mistakes again. 

I know my ‘miseria y pequeñez’ in front of Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament, and more devotion and true action of devotion will be made to recover from the falls. I’m starting a 54 Day Novena again, ‘para mi uncion’ and the gifts of virtues by just getting closer with Mary during this time. I will take advantage of everything and everyone around that are helping me get closer to my spiritual life, where I should be, and not where it can lead me to darkness. 

Last but not least, I’ve been trying hard to pray for my future spouse, and came across these which I believe are perfect. If you haven’t started praying for him/her, I recommend you to start, not only because she/he can be also struggling just like you and me, but the simple act of praying for her/him can help both of you come closer before actually being close:                                                          Purity – Colossians 3:5- Put to death, then, the parts of you that are earthly: immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and the greed that is idolatry. Prayer prompt: Ask that your spouse will be pure for all the right reasons: love, knowledge, and affection for Christ. Pray that he/she will know that sin isn’t breaking a rule, but breaking a heart.

Healing– Psalm 147:3– He heals the brokenhearted, binding up their wounds.

Prayer Prompt: We all have wounds, but God can bring a greater good out of every evil.

Mutual Forgiveness– 1 Peter 4:8– Above all, let your love for one another be intense, because love covers a multitude of sins. Prayer Prompt: Ask that love will be the source of all you do, when things are good and when they are hard.

Protection– Psalm 91:14-15– Because he clings to me I will deliver him; because he knows my name I will set him on high. He will call upon me and I will answer; I will be with him in distress; I will deliver him and give him honor. Prayer Prompt: Invite the Holy Spirit to be a shield and guard over every aspect of your spouse’s life!

Thanksgiving– Phil 1:3-6- I give thanks to my God at every remembrance of you, praying always with joy in my every prayer for all of you, because of your partnership for the gospel from the first day until now. I am confident of this, that the one who began a good work in you will continue to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus. Prayer Prompt: Offer God gratitude for the vocation He has or will provide. Ask that you will be a vessel as God continues the good work He has begun in your spouse.

Trust in the Lord– Phil 4:6-7- Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Prayer Prompt: Stress isn’t from God. Ask for the peace of Christ to envelop your spouse.

Godly Marriage– Tobit 8:7– Now, Lord, you know that I take this wife of mine not because of lust, but for a noble purpose. Call down your mercy on me and on her, and allow us to live together to a happy old age. Bless us with children. Prayer Prompt: ‘Nuff said. This is the desire we all have for our spouse and marriage!Covering Him/Her From Head to Toe

Mind– Romans 12:2- Do not conform yourselves to this age but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect. Prayer Prompt: The battle begins on the inside! Pray for purity of mind for your spouse!

Eyes– Matthew 6:22-23- The lamp of the body is the eye. If your eye is sound, your whole body will be filled with light; but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be in darkness. And if the light in you is darkness, how great will the darkness be. Prayer Prompt: Ask for protection and triumph over pornography and images that have entered your spouse through his/her eyes.

Mouth- Luke 6:45- A good person out of the store of goodness in his heart produces good, but an evil person out of a store of evil produces evil; for from the fullness of the heart the mouth speaks. Prayer Prompt: That your spouse’s words will be proof that their heart is filled with the Lord.

Ears – John 10:27- My sheep hear my voice; I know them, and they follow me. Prayer Prompt: There are many voices in the world competing for your husband/wife’s attention – ask that the Lord will make His voice known.

Heart– Psalm 73:6– Though my flesh and my heart fail, God is the rock of my heart, my portion forever. Prayer Prompt: Invite the Lord to give you both His heart to love one another.

Arms– Genesis 2:24– That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body. Prayer Prompt: As you cling to one another now or in the future, ask that your embrace will always draw you closer to the Lord.

Feet– Psalm 37:31– God’s teaching is in his heart; his steps do not falter Prayer Prompt: Invite the Lord to guide the discernment of your spouse in every aspect of his/her life.

Ring Finger– Mark 10:9– Therefore what God has joined together, no human being must separate. Prayer Prompt: Pray for faithfulness in a faithless world. God wants to write your love story from now until death. Surrender your (current or future spouse) along with your fears and pray that neither of you will ever forget that there are three members to your marriage!

http://chastityproject.com/2015/08/how-to-use-the-bible-to-pray-for-your-future-or-current-spouse/

[miamorjesus]

4th of July

A day where we remember the Independence Day of USA, since the 18th century, where 13 colonies were revolutionary fighting for their freedom from Great Britain. Where a historic document was then drafted by Thomas Jefferson, and since then, the American typical  festivities range from fireworks, parades and concerts to casual family gatherings which include barbecues. 

I would say I don’t necessarily have the American typical family, I would call my family pretty particular. Not only have we not celebrated with fireworks for years now, but we usually like spending our time doing worthwhile things, as we don't usually have that: ‘family time’ together. So, whenever we do have the opportunity to be together, we love spending quality time. Anyway, what we did was we woke up early morning and left our home around 6.30am, to the river up the mountains where the ‘heat’ won’t get us. ( Our weather has been bipolar, where it is high up to 100 degrees, or days where it’s raining_ ) To our ‘disappointment’ there was no reception, so all of us were actually forced to be talking to one another, without having our faces facing iPhones. 

One of the things I loved about being out in the middle of nature, where it was screaming silence, only the sound of the river flowing between rocks, was that I was actually amazed at how we don’t take time out of our busyness to go out and explore nature. It could be something ‘boring’ for many, but to actually just go for fun, and having no expectations. You’d be surprised at the feeling of peace in which you will be receiving, The feeling of love and unity for being only with your family, that no matter if the world outside is crashing down, we are together and nothing else matters. After heading down around 4pm, we started getting service on our phones, and they started ringing. We received texts about an earthquake that occurred in town, and how it shook everyone up. People were worried about us, but we just looked at each other and said how amazing it is, that we could easily be out of connection with the world just for a few hours and be at peace, and as soon as we started getting back, bad news arise. Now, I’m not saying it’s bad news or everything is bad, but just the face how we were disconnected for a few hours, without any stress, can actually be healthy not knowing what happens in the world. 

Life is beautiful, God our creator has done everything absolutely perfect, with no mistakes. We sometimes mistake atrocities and sufferings in the world and blame it on God. We need to realize that we, us, as human beings, make mistakes, we are the ones making all this happen. The lack of faith in the midst of it all, has sadden the hearts of all saints. I say this with so much certainty because one of the things that I have admired so much, the little I know about saints so far, is that they had their struggles, they had their temptations, but although they were in the midst of darkness, they believed in Jesus, in His passion and their trust in Jesus remained until their day of departure from this world. St. Therese was tested by God in the last few moments of her life, by that I mean that she had to go through so much, to see until where her faith would take her. “Through sickness and dark nights of doubt and fear, she remained faithful to God, rooted in His merciful love. After a long struggle with tuberculosis, she died on September 30, 1897, at the age of 24. Her last words were the story of her life: ‘My God, I love You!’....She lived each day with an unshakable confidence in God's love. "What matters in life," she wrote, "is not great deeds, but great love." Therese lived and taught a spirituality of attending to everyone and everything well and with love. She believed that just as a child becomes enamored with what is before her, we should also have a childlike focus and totally attentive love.”

Again, UNSHAKABLE CONFIDENCE in God’s love for her, these strong words truly motivate me to go further into my faith, to go deeper in my relationship with God. And although the rest of the world, the people surrounding me start ridiculing me, start hating me, start humiliating me, start laughing at me, I need to hold strong and remembering that like today’s gospel: Mark 6:4 ..” Jesus said to them, “A prophet is not without honor except in his native place and among his own kin and in his own house.” So he was not able to perform any mighty deed there,* apart from curing a few sick people by laying his hands on them. He was amazed at their lack of faith.”

He was AMAZED at their lack of faith, and couldn’t perform any miracles aside from curing a few people. Just a little bit of faith, can take you miles away from this world. Nothing, absolutely nothing that can be offered here today, right now, can compare to the grace of God. Aim for greatness, aim for more, DO NOT SETTLE, keep striving and perceiving for more, You want to get to the core of it all? You want to know the truth? : TAKE up your cross and follow Him ( Matthew 16:24). 

Enjoy your family right now, love them, speak to them, show them affection. It is easier said than done, trust me I know. Just take a step at a time, little by little. But just do it. Don’t let pride, fear or other things keep you from doing it. 

God bless you.

[miamorjesus]

Matthew 6:26-34 “Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they? Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?* Why are you anxious about clothes? Learn from the way the wild flowers grow. They do not work or spin. But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was clothed like one of them. * If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith? So do not worry and say, ‘What are we to eat?’ or ‘What are we to drink?’ or ‘What are we to wear?’ All these things the pagans seek. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom (of God) and his righteousness,* and all these things will be given you besides. Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil.“

Why worry about the future, when God has His plan set already for you....He knows you more than you know yourself. His will is perfect, PLEASING for Him and happiness for your soul. Ultimately, it’s our souls that we want to save, to go to heaven, not our flesh. When desires arise, we need to watch out and remember not to seek every pleasure from the flesh. How do we know it’s from the flesh? Well, I came to an understanding that it drives you to sin, and to do what it is not right. It sets you apart from Jesus and does not allow any peace to enter your mind, body and soul. We need to discern and take a few steps back, to allow the Holy Spirit to wholly work through us and through others in our lives and accept God’s will. In order to fulfill His will, I believe we need to be open about it, truly care about fulfilling His will, because He will give us the best for our lives. 

Yes, we come to feel things sometimes that may not be okay in the moment or it might be, we don't fully know. But time, along with prayer and being open to the Holy Spirit, will give you the answer. Peace will come to you. We don't know why certain people come into our lives, but when you feel a great presence of God with people, it attracts you to them. It’s not about the ‘physical’ aspect of the human being, but the light of God shining through them, it’s like your soul craves for holiness each time a person becomes your friend, and you can’t seem to let go of that feeling.You want to keep talking or wanting to learn more from the person. 

Don’t become anxious or depressed for the things that come your way, and do not seem to go the way you want them to be. Trust in God and JUST PRAY.

You see, sometimes we do things that are not right, but thanks to God, we have the Holy Spirit always guiding us, if we allow it. 

There’s absolutely no one I can fully depend on, here on earth. Why? Because I fully have dedicated to give my life to God. All of it, ALL myself to Him, because of Him I am who I am and I am where I am. Thanks to His grace, I was  able to overcome certain situations that were trying to weaken my faith. 

How can I be sad? When God has provided so much, and I am grateful for everything and everyone. He continues to put WONDERFUL people to help me get through things. WE are one body and together we are obligated to help each other out. As true Christians, we need to love one another and forgive each other, just as our heavenly Father forgives us. 

Funny thing is, today was the first time I listened to this song and I fell in love with it. At first I didn’t quite knew what it meant, but of course it has to do with Matthew 6:26. Why worry about what we shall wear or eat, if God provides everything for us. ABSOLUTELY everything, everyone in your life, HE gave it to us. Such great gifts we have daily from Him, yet sometimes all we do is complain. For example, the weather, when the sun comes out in the morning and opens up your eyes, or when there’s a full moon that glistens over the snow in the back yard. One day during spring, you see and smell all the roses in the garden or the fresh cut green grass, but since we are too focused on our own little box, and maybe with life’s busyness, we forget about the little things that God has provided to us, and what He provides with each day. 

Also, since I’m doing the thirty days devotion to the Sacred Heart of Jesus, today the reflection was exactly this, Matthew 6:26. God truly is trying to tell me something because it is never a coincidence.  

Everyday, each breath we take, is another opportunity to make our perfect will for Him. It’s a new day to reconcile ourselves with our brothers and sisters. To love not only the family and close friends near you, but to provide and share love to others around you that are victims of love. 

I can never be sad, for He has provided too much. I am thankful and grateful for all the sufferings and challenges that came and will come in my way. I will keep PERSEVERING, in prayer and following Christ. Moments of weaknesses can’t truly keep me away from His love, for I am His daughter. I belong only to Him. 

“ God, I pray for all the souls in the purgatory, specially these who have no one to pray for them, I also want to pray for all those children here on earth that have yet come to know of Your everlasting love. Jesus, I trust in you, may all your love and compassion be touched and felt to all those who feel lonely and lost. I also pray for all those who have asked for my prayers and also, for my future spouse, that wherever he may be right now, let his heart be at peace and comforted. Mary, I trust in your powerful intercession, make this prayer perfect, for I am nothing, but a sinner. May all the angels and saints join you together in prayer for the salvation of the whole world. Amen.”

[miamorjesus]

Sirach 2

My child, when you come to serve the Lord, prepare yourself for trials. Be sincere of heart and steadfast, and do not be impetuous in time of adversity. Cling to him, do not leave him, that you may prosper in your last days. Accept whatever happens to you; in periods of humiliation be patient. For in fire gold is tested, and the chosen, in the crucible of humiliation. Trust in God, and he will help you; make your ways straight and hope in him. You that fear the Lord, wait for his mercy, do not stray lest you fall. You that fear the Lord, trust in him, and your reward will not be lost. You that fear the LORD, hope for good things, for lasting joy and mercy.

One of my friends posted this on Instagram: 

“ My big dream is to learn to love myself. I've had this overwhelming feeling of not being enough for a few months and it is ruining me. I don't feel smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough, open enough, Christian enough, etc. I've become sensitive to comments and believe that if a person doesn't text me back or if they don't hang out with me, then they must hate me because I suck. I do terrible, sinful things which only puts me in a deeper depression. Because of those things and how I've been treating people, I feel disgusting and incredibly unworthy. But that's a lie. I'm actually kinda cool. If I open my eyes a little wider I can see that one person who doesn't text me back is insignificant to the number of people that call me. So many people love me for a million different reasons. Now I just need to do the same, flaws and all...”

Funny thing is, as soon as I started reading it, I thought about me. This is what I’m going through now, and honestly seeing that my FRIEND posted this because she felt this way, made me sad. I never ever want a friend that I love, to go through this, but the irony of it all is that I, myself am going through this. It brought tears in my eyes, because it made me realize that I’m actually going through spiritual warfare. I don't love myself and so how can I expect others to show me their love for me or to have confidence if I don't have it for myself? 

 I’ve done some things I’m not proud of at all, just a week ago. Just recently, I started acting in a way that was humiliating for me. I felt stupid as soon as I realize that what I was doing is trying to fill an emptiness inside my heart with someone that is not right for me. I started thinking if someone didn’t text me back, then I must be hated upon since no one wants to hear from me. I started being sensitive to comments and truly started believing that if someone didn’t want to hang out with me was because I was not worth talking to. I fell deeper into depression, yet I know that I can't be depressed... a person like me, someone that many people come for advise, come for help, yet, I can't be in a position where I need help. How can I be role model for my sister? The pressure that if I make mistakes, then no one will see me the same way ... How stupid of me, to just want to talk to someone no matter who it was, but I just wanted to talk.

God never abandons us.

Out of nowhere, I made a new friend who shows up in my life unexpectedly , a person who shared with me “Sirach 2″, and started giving me quotes of Jesus and I started questioning of why did this person started talking to me, if he never even spoken to me. Just one day we ‘greeted’ and then BOOM it’s like he started helping me without him knowing, yet he didn’t judge or care about who I was, or about my past. He only knew somehow that what I am going through wasn't good and wanted to reach out and just be a friend. Genuinely be my friend, and I am truly blessed because one person did and can bring me down to the floor. But I have forgotten the multitude of love from other people for me. Close to me, I am just surrounded by true love and joy. Jesus won't abandon me, and even if I slip and fall again, I know He will send his people to pick me up again, He uses us for others. He uses us without us knowing it at times. Thank you God for Your great love for me. I cried and will keep crying but not because I’m depressed, now, I will cry tears of joy. Tomorrow I will be put to another test, and over again, I might fall, yes, but I know and trust in my Jesus and His love for me. I’m just glad I was able to pick myself up again. 

Another thing, I shared this same bible verse with another friend of mine from my church, because I knew he needed it. I even shared with him that no matter what, we should never ever compare ourselves to other people on this earth. Why? Because we are not from this world, we belong to God, and as His children we should only strive to be like Jesus Christ! What he shared with me was unbelievable, because it’s something I don't think about myself at all, and yet again, God shows me His love through others. 

“Catherine, you are a saint in the making. God bless you!! You know lately I have been really thinking about everything I have been running into in life. That verse was beyond perfect thank you for sharing it with me. And I wish I had the words to tell you exactly how much this meant to me. I was wrong however. I do see the Holy Spirit almost on a daily basis from all the wonderful people at Newman. But especially through you! And honestly, I'm glad we got to have that talk on that retreat God sent you to me, and you off all people had the words I needed to hear thanks to you ever since that talk, I have seen the world in a new light, I'm finally seeing all the doors God has opened for me. Catherine I have said this to ______, but I will say it again to you. I wish I knew how to tell you words on how big of an impact you have had in my life, but I will do my best to show it through my actions towards. You are one of very few people who can touch the lives of anyone you come into contact with, God Bless You! My next rosary, will be prayed for you”

Why am I sharing this here? Because not only is it my blog, but because here is a real testimony about how Jesus truly sends His people to show and spread His love for others! When I felt down and depressed, here comes a dear friend of mine and tells me this?! How can I be unappreciated to God? If you see this, don't become discouraged at all, God has His perfect timing for everyone! You are truly loved and although you might not see it, believe it brother/sister in Christ, you are LOVED. 

[miamorjesus]

“God freely created us so that we might know, love, and serve him in this life and be happy with him forever. God's purpose in creating us is to draw forth from us a response of love and service here on earth, so that we may attain our goal of everlasting happiness with him in heaven. 

All the things in this world are gifts of God, created for us, to be the means by which we can come to know him better, love him more surely, and serve him more faithfully. As a result, we ought to appreciate and use these gifts of God insofar as they help us toward our goal of loving service and union with God. But insofar as any created things hinder our progress toward our goal, we ought to let them go.” 

The feelings stirred up by good and evil spirits are called “consolation” and “desolation” in the language of Ignatian spirituality.

Spiritual consolation is an experience of being so on fire with God’s love that we feel impelled to praise, love, and serve God and help others as best as we can. Spiritual consolation encourages and facilitates a deep sense of gratitude for God’s faithfulness, mercy, and companionship in our life. In consolation, we feel more alive and connected to others.

Spiritual desolation, in contrast, is an experience of the soul in heavy darkness or turmoil. We are assaulted by all sorts of doubts, bombarded by temptations, and mired in self-preoccupations. We are excessively restless and anxious and feel cut off from others. Such feelings, in Ignatius’s words, “move one toward lack of faith and leave one without hope and without love.”

The key question in interpreting consolation and desolation is:  where is the movement coming from and where is it leading me? Spiritual consolation does not always mean happiness. Spiritual desolation does not always mean sadness. Sometimes an experience of sadness is a moment of conversion and intimacy with God. Times of human suffering can be moments of great grace. Similarly, peace or happiness can be illusory if these feelings are helping us avoid changes we need to make.

For people who have closed themselves off from God’s grace, the good spirit disturbs and shakes up. It stirs feelings of remorse and discontent. The purpose is to make the person unhappy with a sinful way of life. On the other hand, the evil spirit wants such people to continue in their confusion and darkness. So the evil spirit tries to make them complacent, content, and satisfied with their distractions and pleasures.

For people who are trying to live a life pleasing to God, the good spirit strengthens, encourages, consoles, removes obstacles, and gives peace. The evil spirit tries to derail them by stirring up anxiety, false sadness, needless confusion, frustration, and other obstacles.

Discernment of spirits is a challenging task. It requires maturity, inner quiet, and an ability to reflect on one’s interior life. Discernment takes practice. It is something of an art. Ignatius Loyola’s rules for discernment provide a framework, not a program. We must be ready to improvise and adjust because God works in each of us so uniquely. That is why most counselors recommend undertaking discernment of spirits with the assistance of a spiritual director.

Ignatius believed that these interior movements were caused by “good spirits” and “evil spirits.” We want to follow the action of a good spirit and reject the action of an evil spirit. Discernment of spirits is a way to understand God’s will or desire for us in our life.

Talk of good and evil spirits may seem foreign to us. Psychology gives us other names for what Ignatius called good and evil spirits. Yet Ignatius’s language is useful because it recognizes the reality of evil. Evil is both greater than we are and part of who we are. Our hearts are divided between good and evil impulses. To call these “spirits” simply recognizes the spiritual dimension of this inner struggle.

[miamorjesus]

“ I know of one means only by which to attain to perfection: LOVE. Let us love, since our heart is made for nothing else. Sometimes I seek another word to express Love, but in this land of exile the word which begins and ends (St. Augustine) is quite incapable of rendering the vibrations of the soul; we must then adhere to this simple and only word: TO LOVE.But on whom shall our poor heart lavish its love? Who shall be found that is great enough to be the recipient of its treasures? Will a human being know how to comprehend them, and above all will he be able to repay? There exists but one Being capable of comprehending love; it is Jesus; He alone can give us back infinitely more than we shall ever give to him.” St. Therese Little Flower

One of the things that people usually ask me is “Why is it that you're so happy?” Recently, I’ve been experiencing the grace of God in a whole different way. The power of prayer doesn't necessarily change the situation, but the person who is praying(me). For example, I never thought I would see the things I do now, perhaps because of my new attitude towards things. Yes, there are sometimes that people get to me, specially when people are being rude to me or just disrespectful. At that moment, I take a step back and breathe, for I know that the “Catherine” from before, would act in a certain way. Now, I can say that, although it may be hard, I think about why the person is being that way. Why and how they were brought up. Many of us carry things on our shoulders that people don't see at all. It is not my place to judge others, not my right to tell others how to live their lives. But it is my duty to live out my faith, by not just saying ‘pretty words’ for people to fall in love with. Our job as true Catholics, is not to ‘convince’ people to ‘join our religion’ but to inform and give the light into their darkness, to not live in ignorance (St. Bernadette Soubirous) 

I know myself and I know I have a few things to work on, but why do I have to stress over it? Why should I let people get to me? All I need to do is help and love others.”Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil:”(Psalm 23). I will fall again, but I know that no matter what, He will lift me up again.

 I have been anxious about my future spouse during this 54 Day Novena that I’m finishing up May 11th( wooohooo I did it!!), I truly found peace and know that God has perfect timing. My petition is to become friends with my future spouse. But a friendship like no other, one that I feel like I can truly trust him. I’m in no hurry, for I can't be stressing over something I have no control over. I might not even be ready at all for anything.Let it be Your will God. 

 “God I just pray for him wherever he may be, that his heart is open to your love and only for you, that he knows his worth as Your child, and to be a man of action, to have patience with me and to truly know how to treat all women with dignity and respect. I pray to you Blessed Mother Mary, that all these words may be perfect for I trust in your powerful intercession. May God bless him wherever you are, whenever you are. I truly can't wait to meet you one day. Amen.”

[miamorjesus]

Sometimes I ask myself of why I do the things I do, and have no answer for it. It all starts out with a feeling, and an urge to do the things for others. Ultimately, my goal is to know that if I can bring a smile to someone’s face, or if I change their mood in a positive way, then I feel good about myself. No matter what people say about me, or what flaw they point out, I know where I stand. I used to be concerned about what people used to say about me. I used to overthink things and get stressed out in certain situations. But, honestly now I can say that I really do not care about it. As long as I’m okay in the eyes of God, and with my family and close friends, I’m good. I’m confident in who I am and what I know and what I do not know. Yes, I am afraid of falling in love or sharing deep conversations with another person. Yes, I am afraid of sharing that special side of myself to just anyone. Why? Because of my past and because vulnerability can really be a challenge for me. One of the things that I have found out about myself is that I really can't take it if someone special to me is mad or upset with me. I have to find a way to reconcile with the person. I hate knowing if I ever hurt someone else because of my own actions. I hate knowing that because of me, someone else is crying, upset or disappointed. I know I can't please the whole world, but at least the people close to me, I try my hardest to be there for them. I prefer to sacrifice my time to give to others. Why? Because I know how it feels to be alone or to feel like you're alone. I know how it feels to lose someone close to you. I know how it feels to have everyone close to you, say things that aren't true about you. It’s not okay to have to go through such experiences, but yet we live in an “imperfect” world where, really, we can't expect too much of it. If we want to see a difference in the world, we have to start from within: oneself. I used to get easily upset: transform it to breathe it out. I used to get easily stressed: believe that not all things can be in my control. Most importantly: I believe in Jesus and I believe in His will for me. I have faith in Him and in the most precious intercession of our Blessed Mother Mary. I am protected. If you ask about me: you’ll get a lot of answers. I don't even know about who I’ll be tomorrow, or what I’ll do. But I can tell you that the most greatest satisfaction of mine, is when I give and truly have no expectation to receive. To fully give yourself and serving others in a small way or any way. A year ago this time, I was different. Now, I believe in myself and have the confidence to walk out my house knowing that I can freely speak about my beliefs. Yes, I can be intimidated at times by others, but only He knows my heart. I get scared at times about what I feel for someone but I trust in God and place all those feelings at His hands. It’s normal to have feelings, it’s part of our human nature. We are made to love and truly deeply love one another. I am trying hard to have the patience needed for this wait. As much as I want this now, I know His timing is perfect. I only pray for strength for the perseverance in prayer and deepening of my faith. 

[miamorjesus]

One of the things I’m really appreciative about is how this Spring Break I had the opportunity to a whole new experience. I will never forget Coachella, CA, for I learned so much about the community, the people and about myself. I’m truly blessed to have experienced this with other college students, for I know that it won't be my last mission trip, nor would it be theirs. It humbles ourselves to a whole different level, where you come to understand the real difference between one city and another, between one family and another. I was truly terrified to open up and just be myself during this week, which was full of challenges and emotional endeavors. Not too long ago, I was experiencing a sort of anxiety that I have never experienced before coming to this mission trip. It certainly didn't impact me physically, but greatly affected me emotionally. During this trip I was confused and just shattered for the things that I experienced, but I came to a realization that when people are truly hurt, they hurt others subconsciously or not. Another thing I had to experience was having someone I just met confess their love to me, which doesn't have to be such a big deal, but what they did afterwards was something I couldn't handle at all. Thankfully, I’m surrounded with great, awesome friends, that I was able to get through it all. I wanted the week to come to an ending, but another side of me kept wanting to help out the community even more. Now I understand why my own father worked after-hours and rarely saw him, when I was younger. I resented him for that reason for too long, but recently I found peace with it. One moment you are here, and another you're gone. NO matter what plan God has for you, you need to be appreciative of the people you're surrounding yourself with. The little time you spend making their day can definitely have a huge impact for the rest of their lives. I spend time with my best friend because I don't know what will happen tomorrow, and regardless of what others might think of our friendship, I am not ashamed at all to act silly with her, because I love her. Not only has she been there to hear me out, but truly been there when I needed it the most, and she had dealt with all of my shenanigans! No, but really, she is the person that had dealt with every side of my personality. And still she never ceases to show her love to me. I still don't understand how she sticks around after showing her all of myself. And knowing that I’ve grown into real friendships with other people during a little bit of time spent together, has made me grow deeper into my faith. I have doubts here and there of who I am, but then I know that I’m not the only one feeling this way. This world tells you so many lies, that sometimes it gets to you. But I pray and pray hard, because there is power in prayer. I pray for all the people in the world that need to find refuge in the Sacred Heart of Jesus. To know His love is everlasting no matter what you do or who you are. He wants YOU to come to His aid. 

[miamorjesus]

In the past few months I’ve definitley seen a change in myself. The person I have become and want to be are two completely different things. The person I have become has been by my own surroundings and affection received by many and experiences that have led me to who I am. The person I want to be, definitely challenges me to do things I don't feel comfortable doing at the time. For example, I do admit that I am very socially awkward at times, but make it work. Other times, I am just silly and confident in who I am, but other times I know I am vulnerable and sensitive. One of the things I’ve noticed: I am super sensitive when it comes to someone I truly care about and love. Whereas if someone I don't care about much, tries and hurt me, I shake it off. Different experiences and new experiences, have opened up my eyes and now I perceive things differently. For example, I used to become easily stressed when it comes to things out of my control, but now I’ve reconciled with myself and now am at peace when things can't be done the way you want them to be. I have learned that when you truly love a person, you want their full happiness and joy, independent from your own suffering. Becoming selfless and generous with your own feelings. By that, I mean, you have to let go of your own feelings that can be your own destruction. Constantly thinking about the past, doesn't change anything. To be happy or to aim to be happy, it’s to forgive and let go. I can now say that today: April 28th,  I’m full of happiness, peace and joy. In my heart I have no hatred towards anyone, because hatred is not from God. God is love and so, there’s really no room for hatred. I eliminate hatred out of my environment, if things get me upset, I do something about it. I talk it out, I do things that make me laugh, or make others feel good. So far, I am surrounded by people that truly genuinely care about me, and what else can I ask God? I have a beautiful family and friends and not to mention the love of Jesus in my heart. I am not perfect, and I don't pretend to be perfect. I know my worth in the eyes of my Heavenly Father, no matter what the world says about me. I can fail and constantly be sinning each second, but I know He will lift me up again. I thought I had to be this person to make someone like me or do things to continue a false relationship of love, but when neither knows the true meaning of love, lust can be the only thing that keeps you moving forward a true holy relationship. Then again, you have to put an end to it, because lust is not love. 

Love is giving up your life for that person, to wholly cherish the person. To appreciate their presence and faithfulness. To care for them and show it not just with words.  Love is much greater than just a word to say. Love is what Jesus did for us in the cross. I didn't know what I was doing, I did so many things that were not good for me. But I don't dwell on the past, because I know that thanks to those experiences, I am who I am and I’m striving to become a better person. 

The 54 Day Novena has provided me with so much patience and understanding for whoever I am to be with for the rest of my life, it’ll be because God made us for one another. I’m not worried or impatient, I trust that my future spouse, well, God has him in His hands. I truly trust in my Blessed Mother Mary and her intercession for my petition. I want a genuine friendship with my future spouse before anything else. An innocent, silly, laughable, crazy, and true friendship. Because the love of your life is your best friend, and what is a best friend: a person you share all your secrets to and still trust them, you love them no matter what, you are comfortable but still respect one another, a person you can be your 100% and know they won't judge you, distance is not a problem, you truly trust them. I only ask God to do His will upon my future spouse wherever he may be. Let his heart be open to Your love. 

[miamorjesus]

Through this journey in my life, there are struggles and some are hard to get away from. I tried running away but it didn't work. I tried compromising and failed. I get caught up in the moment I forget who I am. I thank Jesus for his everlasting mercy upon a wretched sinner as I am. No deserving of all His blessings, I stand strong through it all. I might fall and fail multiple times, but I recognize my own mistakes. Evil might try to make me feel unworthy of God's love, and temptations may arise, but I know and I believe in the power of Jesus Christ my Lord, and through the intercession of My Blessed Mother Mary, I will get through this hole I am currently trapped and I know it will be hard. Time says it all, emotions are so strong it controls me. I can't let that happen for it is self-destruction and leaves me feeling smaller than ever. 

Sometimes we believe in someone so much, you forget the times that you felt worthless and ashamed. 

Some people love more than others and the sole definition of 'love' is different from one person to another. I am certain that I put myself in danger when I love deeply. It brings me either deep sorrow or joy. So far it has left me feeling bewildered and unsure of myself. I have to run away but something stronger than myself keeps me holding on. 

I need to let go, I need to let go of this feeling that is making me change into someone I am not. 

I do believe it is happening to me for a reason and it is all in God's plan, and I have faith that I will soon get away from this. 

[miamorjesus]

A death of a loved one is a time where either you are in a state of shock, or in denial. At least that is how I first felt when someone left this world. Before knowing more about my own faith, and every time a loved one has passed away, I go into a weird emotional state. I stopped caring about what I do, and just take some time off from the world. I take some time for myself to mourn in a very particular way when I experience the loss of a loved one. But now everything is different... as soon as I was notified about my grandfather's death, I was speechless. I didn't know if it entirely true, so I just put it aside. After a few hours, I realized that I was in denial, and was still in denial for a day. I couldn't believe that the man that I had spoken to just a few days ago on the phone, has left this world. 

God has  a bigger plan for each one of us, it's entirely just for us. He knows our hearts and our thoughts. He knows that we are worthy because He, Himself makes us WORTHY. Think about that for a moment.

Jesus, He's only Son, came down to earth, and became one of us. Sinless and spotless He was, still was tortured and shed blood for all of our sins. Yet, each day we sin and keep sinning. It is inevitable, because this world does not belong to us. 

"JOHN 15 My command to you is to love one another.18 If the world hates you, you must realize that it hated me before it hated you.19 If you belonged to the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you do not belong to the world, because my choice of you has drawn you out of the world, that is why the world hates you."

It's complicated enough I know. But all I'm trying to say is that mourning my grandfather has been an entirely new experience for me, because I didn't have such a close relationship with him, but yet I love him. FAMILY  is so complicated because hatred has been passed along from ages ago, until now. But I will end those chains of hatred once and for all, because like I told my mother: "Anyone that knows Jesus, the word 'hate' does not exist in the heart." If someone shows me hate, I will love them. I will not speak, but show them. 

I appreciate the love and support from all my family and friends who have been praying and I'm just blessed to have them. I thank God for allowing my parents to go to my grandfather's burial, and to allow everyone else that was able to go, to say their condolences to the family. Although it hurts me a lot not being able to be there, I know God is keeping my grandfather in a very special place. Now I have to just pray for his soul. 

[miamorjesus]

I finished my consecration today, with a very thorough confession!

Needless to say, I felt really good just knowing that this is the beginning of a new way to live my true devotion to Jesus Christ through Mary. 

I'm excited to what is ahead of me, but I trust in my Lord that no matter what comes through my path, I will be safe, loved and protected from all evil. 

Some of the things that I've learned throughout this journey so far, is that you can get carried away from all the busyness of the world, and become distracted from what really is to be our main focus: Jesus. 

I've learned that no matter what I do, I can be truly forgiven, but I have to search for Him and realize that I'm weak. I will make mistakes, I'm not perfect nor I aim to be it. I know that I have my flaws, but I am aware on the things that I need to work on myself. It may be that others see things in myself that I don't, but all I need to do is pray hard to realize the truth. No one expects perfection, but just honesty and faithfulness. 

Relationships are hard to maintain, but any relationship is sacred to keep. A relationship with your parents, friends and even with a 'stranger.' All relationships are beautiful in a unique way, because we are all called to love and to feel that love is just amazing. 

Our eyes have to be set on Jesus and no other thing or person but just Him. People fail us, hurt us, abandon us..but God, He will always be there for you. When you're crying and in desperation, He is there ready to pick you up. 

We are all lost sheep, and we need to let ourselves be found in Him. It's not easy, no one ever said it will be. But it is worth it in the end. 

[miamorjesus]

I won't deny that the past couple months kept me allured into something artificial that only caused pain and self-destruction

I needed to go through so much to understand more about myself

To know about my limits and came into an understanding of my own faith

When I look out the sky, I see that time passes slowly but rapidly enough that in just a blink of an eye, many things can happen without you being fully prepared.

Yet again, when are we even prepared ? We are never ready to go into something that is unknown to us. You jump into the ocean without learning how to swim first, with the hope that someone will come and save you?

The truth is that Jesus is and always be with you in moments of darkness, even when you put yourself in such a situation that probably was not the right thing to do. You need to trust in God, listen to His only voice. Contemplate Him, and give glory to Him only. 

I have forgotten how it felt to actually feel that connection with Jesus. I hated those moments when I felt everything was completely lost. One night I realized that I needed that moment of darkness, because even though I knew it in myself that it wouldn't have worked out anyway, it was a perfect way for me to learn. 

I needed it, but also I put myself into it. I was stubborn and blindfolded. I fell into my own dug up hole, but I came out from it. At least I am trying again, and that is what matters. I will come out from this phase of bewildered emotions. I slapped myself by putting myself in such a situation where only hurt and pain was given to me. But enough is enough, and I'm so proud to know that I can see clearly now, and because of that, I am starting clean again. I will continue the path I was on before I got distracted. I will continue my own goals of searching more about my faith and about what I'm going to do about it. Now that I'm finishing up my consecration to Jesus through Mary, I feel that I owe it to myself to keep on going to the track field that I parted from. I will return to it, and I may fall again, but at least I know now how it feels to be fully broken. I will stay strong because I know that I can. 

[miamorjesus]

I'm completely shattered by all of this, I am trying hard just to be okay

and as time passes by I find myself doing things that keep turning me back to that place

I feel like it is all my fault, all of the things you could have been doing, are now just gone due to your disappearance

In the midst of all this darkness, I stand strong to the decision I know I had to choose.

The light overshadows for it brings me hope and peace.

But darkness keeps reminding me of the pain and hurt I've caused you.

I truly hate myself to just think that things could be different. I'm the cause of all my pain that keeps me up all night. It wasn't supposed to be this way.