Hello once again the empty void I scream into when I’m struggling severely mentally. Also known as Tumblr.
After all these years and I still cannot do anything correct. So many problems, in every aspect of life. Work troubles, family troubles, personal troubles, friend/relationship troubles. Is troubles the right word or is problems a better word? I don’t know, but I do know I wish for it to end, I wish for that so bad. Whatever version of end is I hope the future me that reads this has figured that out. Assuming there is a future me.
But where to start? Probably with the simple one, this job is really testing me. I do all the work and see none of the pay or hours, attempting to apply for a position I am more than qualified for, but honestly due to some probably stupid internal work politics, I probably won’t get it. Then there’s the specific issues with people in the job, which there are just too many of those to list.
Then we migrate to the family issues. A father, who only wants to spend the day sitting around like a fat piece of shit, screaming at every little thing that happens, children nor the dogs can get excited without him screaming at them for stupid shit. Mother that lets her bully of a dog do and terrorize whatever the dog wants. Should've never got the dog in the first place, the thing is just a burden on the whole house. Siblings all take advantage of our mother and she just lets it happen, probably cause she is just too fucking stupid to say no to anybody.
The friend/relationship issue, I fuck up every friendship or relationship I get in. Either by saying something stupid, letting my anger get the best of me and something I don’t mean to happen does. Currently this woman I’ve been talking to, I can’t for the life of me understand her vibe at any moment. Everytime I try to understand and match, I seem to just piss her off. I don’t even want a relationship per say, I just want someone I can trust. I’ve told her I have romantic feelings for her so she doesn’t get the wrong idea about anything I do and making it her decision to keep talking to me. She has continued to talk to me, but she also sends me weird messages, which mess with my brain alot. So much of what I think about is this person and the fact that I keep messing up, and can’t ever read the room really hurts me and makes me struggle alot. I don’t want to lose her like everyone else but I’m afraid I will cause I can’t control my own brain and mind.
The personal issues, the list goes forever. Each of the existing issues all come back to mental struggle and feeling mentally unwell. The job is going nowhere and not making any sort of money to properly be able to live, forcing me to be stuck sharing a house with the family causing me the problems in the first place. Housing prices are shit, this job sucks and pays shit, can’t move out, I don’t like the concept of driving and don’t feel safe with public transport in the area, so I’m stuck in walking distance and there either aren’t jobs or they aren’t jobs that are possible to make a living at. The work issues are causing me to get so frustrated I’m having panic attacks at work and resorting to self harm and punching shit. The friend issues… I just want to have someone in life who understands me and doesn’t judge. Which this person was, but I keep saying the wrong shit and messing things up and making her mad. I’ve lost friends from coming out as bi, I’ve lost friends from the concept of physically moving away from each other. I’ve lost friends I’ve made through old jobs, cause they got too stressful and the only source of release was taking it out on those friends by accident, only realizing what I was doing when it was too late to fix.
In such a childish dumb teenage move, I’ve gone deeper into the realms of self harm, part of it cause I feel like I deserve it for all the pain I’ve caused other people. Part of it cause I kinda wish I’d go a little too deep and that would be the end of my issues forever. It’s fun though, feeling what I’m sure others have felt because of me. Do any of these emotions show on the outside? No, cause I’m always supposed to be the nonchalant one, the carefree one, the one people go to with their issues. At a certain point the one being told the issues everyone else has, makes them my own issues. I’m afraid I’m not as strong as people think I am or as I want to be and I really do just want to be done with it one way or another. Maybe one day I will take it too far and by spectacular miracle all my problems will cease to exist.
Hopefully not for the last time dear old friend the void, yours Midnight (4/10/2025)
