Nin

They/Them/Dumbass

[midnite-riot]

[midnite-riot]

It's an indefinite price I'm paying to be myself. The toll of hatred and hesitation boils heavily in my stomach, making me want to regurgitate out all of the names and doubt you have for me. It knots my fingers together, gluing my hands behind my back where I can't reach for anything other than the hair that has grown down to the bottom of my spine. But it's okay. The red imprints of my wrist will fade soon enough. And the scissors on the bathroom counter will have their jobs met when locks of dead hair swirl down the drain, not attached to a walking ghost anymore.

I-will-be-okay-one-day

[midnite-riot]

shout out to all the people who really try to refer to trans/enbys using their prefered pronouns and correct themselves when they make a mistake. As an enby human It makes my heart cry of happiness when my friends immediately made an effort to use they/them when referring to me(as I recently just came out). It really does make a difference guys!  

[healerorkiller]

„I hope there are days when your coffee tastes like magic, your playlist makes you dance, strangers make you smile, and the night sky touches your soul. I hope you fall in love with being alive again”

— Unknown

[midnite-riot]

-paradise-

They offer you a sugar-glazed deal of your own private island.

The rolling hills of paradise include strawberry fields and chilled drinks with little umbrellas.

They may shield your skin but won't stop your heart and self-esteem from getting sunburnt.

You’ll start to catch glimpses of the past when the sun glares in your eyes.

Sometimes they look like drunken parties but sometimes they're the blackouts.

Droughts will come. The strawberries will shrivel and die. and the boats that were there to get you left a long time ago. 

[midnite-riot]

Bits of your soul lays on the residue of my pastels. It’s mixed in with the colors confusing my brain, scrambling up the bad from the good. It’s hard to decipher our past when you haven’t really been here for years. My brain has a shitty way of making blurry memories better than it actually was. It’s easier to miss someone when all you can think of are those late nights fueled by stupid jokes and sporadic dances.

i-wonder-if-you-still-think-of-me-

[midnite-riot]

Bits of my childhood

If the tadpole didn’t jump on the frog’s back and hop out of that old rusty bucket, Where would I be right now?

As if the whispering willows were enough to fill out the sorrows hidden in my old cobweb-infested sneakers.

The winds shifted their destination to derail the flag nailed on the front of that age ridden tree. 

The tree that held up old wooden planks, a chipped porcelain tea set, and the flooding waves of bittersweet nostalgia

[midnite-riot]

listening & learning

Consider sneaking out of your shattered home and meeting met at the edge of our dreary park. The metal fences around the perimeter sharpen their edges awaiting your arrival

Saying I want to know you, like really know you, is quite frankly an understatement.

You stutter and tease throughout the day and it can drain you really quick, darling. Quit being transparent with me, and I’ll order your identity for you.

The swings shiver when they notice your presence. It feels too cold at 2am under these dim lights for you to not speak to me

Envelope me in deep conversations and warm blankets,

Tuck me under the sea foam of the ocean. And if you look for me in the cracked seashells, listen very closely, I’ll be there.

[midnite-riot]

Untitled

walk with me down the cracked sidewalks. the blue overlayed atmosphere makes me calm as I take in deep breaths to exhale my poison. 

Hold my hand tightly so I don’t stumble into the trees. Squeeze them to confess your love.

Let the suburban corner store lights hit your figure and let your silhouette bath in the burning neon lights. 

I really want to stay like this forever, but dwelling on your dreams can’t beat the harsh reality that you'll inevitably wake up to.  

[midnite-riot]

Indirect Murder

The same blood flows through our veins but it feels unfamiliar and dirty; when you used to protect me from the flying kitchen cleavers, now the only thing that relates us is the muddy blood that flows through my head to avoid my heart. 

This murder wasn’t your fault but you don’t get to play the victim here! When you reject your role in this crime, I at least expected you to back up mine.

[midnite-riot]

exclusively bitter

How do you look at them so bitterly, so angerly, they might as well just have punched you in the face.

they embraced you and showed you how much you feel you need to be needed.

You thought you were past this but then you checked back in the kitchen cabinet to see that your meds are still full and you’re out of control.

They’ll come looking for you, they’ll miss you, blocking them won’t stop the worried army from breaking your barriers.

[midnite-riot]

You know your past self that you so utterly dislike? Think about that person, imagine their image, their thoughts, their surroundings. Once you fully recognize who they were. Let that image go. That person is not you anymore. Learn from their mistakes and move forward.

Create-yourself-again-its-okay-i-promise

[midnite-riot]

The sick aren’t the envied

The gears in their minds stopped working

It was a gut feeling because the problem didn’t present itself on the outside.

There’s nothing poetic about being sick

Lilacs and daisies don’t grow in their brains and their stitches aren’t a lovely accident

tear stained chemicals have made a home in their veins.

They’ve gotten pass the monotony of the scheduled out routines, the ongoing reassurance that “everything will get better”

But they said a weeks stay was the longest and I’ve seen a child whose been living off a diet of false hope that his mom will someday come back to pick him up, that she hasn’t forgotten, and the fake smiles that are thrown away by his temper tantrums.

He was only 9.

[midnite-riot]

I want to go home, but I’m not sure where that is right now

where-am-i??

[antigoneblue]

went a little feral on poetry twitter :')

[midnite-riot]

Reminder

Don't listen to them. It's not selfish, you're not dead weight dragging on the floor, and people love you. They enjoy your presence, your laughter, the way you joke around. Don’t take that away. Hurting yourself won't make that go away.

[midnite-riot]

FunHouse Mirrors

The sound of the fan in the background drowns out the ringing of the bell from the church down the street. I guess I feel too guilty listening to the chimes.

Reflections make you look so warped, it feels silly.

Remember when you were 7 and you got lost in the funhouse? The mirrors made your head spin on adrenaline and ignorance.

You thought there was only one of you, but walking around you spotted two, three, five, hundreds of the same figure waltzing around the narrow corridors

Now when you try to call back to reality, it hangs up on you and leaves you there in the middle of your algebra test. It lets the clock keep ticking when all you can see are the numbers floating off your paper spinning itself into blank screens and tangled earbud cords