Wow, this leaked SL would be something alright. A little unrelated but I know people get uncomfortable or typically avoid discussing why most gay men are uncertain about LTRs with Bi men (the few who do date men), accusations of biphobia abound.
Ones idea of a (nuclear) FAMILY is so deeply ingrained and heteronormative, that even gay men from accepting backgrounds struggle to envision themselves as same-sex parents. Hell many older gen assert it's better for kids to have both a mother and father, because the only parent that loved them regardless of their orientation was likely their mom. That only a woman can be the kind, caring and empathetic parent. Not considering the much worse views of the average person.
And we didn't even touch the subject of adoption (very hard for same-sex couples and very costly) or surrogacy (ethics, ultra costly and de facto illegal in most of the world).
It is a unique choice that only bisexuals ever get to make, and that's after they fully accept their attractions (difficult enough on its own). Most decide against it (same-sex relations), either fully aware of the difficulties and heartbreak or more commonly by just going with the flow or latching onto labels like "hetero-romantic". And that isn't me saying split attraction isn't a thing (that's a whole separate rant). They aren't even wrong to decide against it from a rational perspective!
Coming to terms with: base sexual attraction, the POSSIBILITY of a romantic relationship and then the scary and hard to guess future of what a family might look like with a same-sex partner. This is something both gay and bi men grapple with! But only gay men HAVE to reckon with all of it (and many don't ever get to). Hetero relationships already have society-approved blueprints for all of this.
You don't get to just let things happen to you and stumble through a serious same-sex relationship, not without this awareness. Well, you do but this how it's different when both partners are gay. A fighting chance that their views grow and converge over time in most cases.
A partner who explicitly loves you and has a clear idea of what their future entails, then it wouldn't matter at all if they were bi or gay. Was this the picture Buck was giving to Tommy at the time of their breakup? Tommy was stupid to panic and not discuss it further (that doesn't make it biphobic) and Buck still can't articulate anything about his sexuality besides "I fuck both", forget the basic label.
So yeah, I'm really pissed if they just drop a kid into Buck's life before acknowledging any of this or what he really wants. If it's permanent I'm sure we will get a post hoc justification that this was meant to be and what he wanted all along even if he didn't know. Or some such bs. Goddamn Buck, make any decision in your life BEFORE it's imposed upon you.
Edit: Didn't mean to be a downer on same-sex LTRs and parenthood, things are likely much better for the younger generations who grew up with relatives in gay partnerships and affirming stories in various media. People vastly underestimate how much work all of this is, when one doesn't have these "blueprints" to emulate.
Was free on Epic store and just finished playing, though the ending is a little abrupt. I would love to replay to get other ending(s) but no way I'm going to sit through our detective coughing up half his weight in blood and struggle with EVERYTHING again. My ending basically didn't change anything I guess? He's "alive" in the memory bank, will likely get a new body and the world is still fucked. I played him as someone who recognises the downsides but still wants to continue living anyway. Unlike his dead wife.
I think my biggest gripe is with the "desync" of it all, the conclusion is just so unsatisfying. Clearly there was never any murderer and it's just people going insane/suicidal from living too long. That immortality would always lead to this, a society degrading forever stuck in time.
This should've been left open-ended. People living longer can create both miracles and horrors. The suicidal among them aren't automatically right. Desync isn't an inevitability but a choice. The whole shtick of this game is the limited number of "shells" and it's consequences, but other grey areas like clones or horrors like vat grown "blanks" could exist too.
More about the philosophy of it all, not the gameplay or design. My guy in the pfp should tell you all you need to know about my ideas on immortality.
Really liked the level design, among the most beautiful titles I have recently played. Too bad we didn't get to objectify our depressed "detective" much, just a single moment with the mirror. His current body at least. I also love it when he goes way over-the-top with the noir stuff, aha moment when we realise he's just an old movie nerd.
This fandom has a lot of takes about Buck and Tommy that I don't agree with - especially about their relationship - but lmao. "they never had an adult conversation" is certainly ... one.
Lord. They had so many fucking adult conversations. What are you even fucking talking about, fandom.
I understand that many people in this fandom have a kink for dooming and glooming and it's not like me to kink shame, but Jesus Christ.
My pet peeve is anyone calling or referring to Tommy as just "Kinard", in fics or otherwise. Buck, Chim, Hen, Bobby and everyone else only ever call him Tommy. Just Tommy. Who's this Kinard you speak of, don't know her.
Wait, when's the last time the word Kinard was actually uttered on the show? Helicopter rescue? Flashbacks? Never?
Assuming those asks aren't all concern trolling, Buck feeling romantic attraction towards anyone else isn't anything new nor does it change what he felt / still feels for Tommy.
Smh, kids these days. Their whole deal is red-string-of-fate, helped by an attraction so intense everything else fades away. Fate is just taking the scenic route (with lots of pain, death and misunderstanding bad writing).
Buck, so far, has been both "dismissive" AND super stuck on Tommy. For close to TWO years! He let's everyone else know how much he cares about him, but says all the wrong things when actually with him (the move in convo, doesn't mention how much he missed him, lashing out after the hookup, etc). He fucking beams when Tommy gives him even a scrap of attention and care (and for you), but likely never apologised (as he said he would to Maddie).
Looking at it from Tommy's perspective, I can't fault him for being confused af. It looks like a classic case of baby's first gay relationship. Doesn't know what he wants exactly but is super enthusiastic. Buck does disrespect their relationship many times (like that anniversary date). Likely didn't respect their limited time together either, what with Eddie and other drama.
All those words just to say that, Buck is showing how immature he truly is when it comes to expressing himself or making himself available in a romantic relationship. He has grown in many other ways but in both of his "most transformative" relationships (Abby and Tommy), he's very disconnected from the reality (as the other person sees it) of their situation.
No point really, just trying to put into words what's actually canon and how Buck's been written so far. He still has much to learn, separate from Tommy's own issues. Maybe he really does need to "figure out how to be a half".
He shoves his feet into his sneakers and then double checks that he has everything: keys, wallet, an old Trader Joe's bag filled with a lemon-blueberry pie, two almond-cranberry loaves, a bunch of cream puffs, ice cream bread, a fruitcake, and a cheese danish almost as big as the circumference of the bag opening, plus the stupid cue cards he spent an hour writing out.
Exhaling, Buck glances at his watch. 11:09pm. That gives him about 35 minutes to get to South Robertson, 10 minutes to hyperventilate in the Jeep, three minutes to do the most humiliating thing he's ever dreamed of doing, and one minute to hopefully ring in the new year before it officially starts.
The plan is foolproof, it's Chimney approved, and it's the only one he's got. He can't spend another two months baking and staring at his phone hoping to see bubbles dancing. And not just because none of the grocery stores within a ten mile radius of the loft will sell him small batch vanilla extract anymore.
He can't spend another two months feeling like he's suffering from something that Hen would normally use the LifePak to fix. Which is why this is going to work. It has to. Because he can't think about what the next year is going to be like if it doesn't.
"Okay," Buck murmurs, nodding to himself. "It's go time."
Slipping the bag handles over his wrist and tucking the cards under his arm, he pulls the door open and walks right into a brick wall.
"Shit, I'm sorry," the wall says, steadying Buck with big, familiar hands, then bends down to pick up the cards that had spilled to the floor. "I wouldn't have been standing there if I'd known you were gonna fly out like the place was on fire."
It's been a while since Buck's felt this wrong-footed—two months, to be exact—and that's the only reason why he opens his mouth and "You ruined my plan!" falls out.
Tommy looks up from the cue cards with a disbelieving smile. It's the same one that had spread across his face after bad coffee and a plea for a second chance. You already know I'm interested. "Were you going to Love, Actually me?"
He turns the cards in his hands and shows the top one to Buck. It says To me, you are perfect an asshole (but I want you anyway).
Buck puts down the Trader Joe's bag and gives himself a minute to drink Tommy in. He looks good, if wan. The bags under his eyes are new, but the way he curls his shoulders in, like he's trying to make himself smaller, turn himself into a smaller target, takes Buck right back to the last time Tommy was here.
"I-In my defense, Chimney thought it was a stroke of genius," Buck grouses. "Although I'm starting to suspect that he was just giving me shit."
Genuine amusement makes hills and valleys out of the corners of Tommy's eyes, and the way the sight of them makes something unknot inside of Buck feels like muscle memory. He used to wish that his own crow's feet were that pronounced; it always seemed like Tommy's were a mark of a life spent smiling. But even the knowledge that many of those smiles weren't real can't stop Buck from being charmed.
With shaking hands, Buck takes the cue cards from Tommy, who seems a little reluctant to let them go, and absolutely doesn't clutch them to his chest like a shield.
"What are you doing here?"
Tommy scratches at his forearm, a little tic that draws Buck's eye, and because of it he almost doesn't see the tremor in Tommy's bottom lip when he breathes out shakily and says, "I was on shift today, and Nico asked everyone what their New Year's resolutions were. I didn't have one. I never do. It's not something I ever—just getting through the year intact has always been my goal. You really can't call that a resolution."
Buck can't help but give a mystified nod, because he has no idea where this is going, but he honestly doesn't care. Tommy's here. He's here.
"But I couldn't stop thinking about it," Tommy continues, and the laugh he chokes out sounds like it scores the inside of his throat on its way out. "Tonight I had a little kid code in the back of my bird on the way to First Pres, and all I could think about was what my resolution would be if I had one."
"D-Did the kid make it?"
"No," Tommy sighs. "No, he didn't. And I sat on the roof of the hospital for, like, twenty minutes sobbing like a baby, because all I wanted was to hear the sound of your voice. I just wanted to call you and I wouldn't let myself."
The image of Tommy crying alone in a cockpit and denying himself even a little bit of comfort hits Buck like a sucker punch. "W-Why didn't you?"
"I was scared," Tommy admits with a smile that hurts to look at. The corners of his eyes crease anyway. "I was shit scared that I'd call and you'd, I don't know, tell me to go fuck myself, or tell me that I did you a favor by breaking things off. Or worse: the call wouldn't go through at all, because you'd blocked me. You had every right to do any of those things, but... I was too afraid to find out what it'd be. So I didn't."
The prickling heat in the corners of Buck's eyes and in his sinuses feels like a warning. He clears his throat, trying to head it off at the pass, but his eyes feel too wet to safely blink.
"But then why are you—"
"I was on my way home when it hit me out of nowhere: my resolution. Forty-something years and I finally had one."
Heart pounding, Buck takes a step forward and ventures, breathless, "Which was...?"
"My resolution was to be brave for once in my life." Tommy's nose scrunches like he's holding in a laugh, but his eyes look suspiciously glassy. "And suddenly I was parked outside your building."
"Y-You got a space?"
Tommy laughs wetly. "Believe it or not, it was the same one I got that night. And as I pulled in, I thought, 'See that, Kinard? Even the universe is telling you to stop being such a fucking coward.'"
"Your resolution is to be brave," Buck echoes, and just saying it feels like standing at the edge of a canyon and being unable to judge the distance from one side to the other because of the sun in his eyes. "T-That's a good one. We could all stand to be a bit braver this year."
Swallowing, Tommy shakes his head, but before Buck can flirt with the notion of a breakdown, he steps closer. Enough that Buck can count his individual lashes; enough to see the fear in his eyes, as well as the determination holding it at bay.
"I'm no expert, but I hear the best resolutions are the ones where there's someone to hold you to them." He stares into Buck's eyes as he talks but, with every other word, his gaze dips lower.
"I've made and broken a million resolutions in my life. I think that makes me an expert," Buck murmurs. "And yeah, having someone hold you accountable is the key to keeping them."
"I've still got—" Tommy glances down at his watch. "—forty-one minutes. Maybe I should wait until midnight, make it a clean start. What's your expert opinion on—"
Whatever he's about to say gets cut off when Buck drops the cue cards to the floor and presses his entire body into Tommy's. He hopes Tommy can feel every single vibration coming from his bones.
Whether or not he does is anyone's guess, but Tommy doesn't hesitate in wrapping his arms around Buck, sliding a hand up his back to cup the base of his skull, gasping a little in the space between their mouths when Buck rests his forehead against Tommy's. He's shaking even harder than Buck, but his hold is steadfast.
"I'm going to nail your ass to the wall if you break this resolution," Buck whispers.
"I'm counting on it," Tommy whispers back. "In the meantime, you should show me the cue cards. This is literally a fantasy of mine."
Snorting, Buck bites playfully at the bolt of his jaw, and tries not to go completely boneless in relief. "I'm so glad you fucked up my plan. That movie is so bad, Tommy, and I had to re-watch that stupid scene a hundred times to get the cue cards right. You don't deserve them."
"Say 'it's carol singers,'" Tommy nuzzles at his cheek. "Just once. I've been incredibly brave tonight and I deserve something."
"Suffer," Buck laughs, and kisses him into next year.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Chapter Snippet:
“So… something weird happened today. While I was- when I met Buck for lunch.”
Tommy hums, a quiet prompt.
“A woman came up to us,” Abby continues slowly, “She said she was Buck’s girlfriend. Or… ex. Or something. She accused him of cheating. Said… he ghosted her. Like. Recently.”
Tommy stills, just slightly, “Really?”
Abby shrugs, confused more than upset, “I don’t know. It didn’t make sense. He barely knew what she was talking about. I mean-” she cuts herself off, rubbing at her temple. “I guess I don’t really know him that well, but it just felt… wrong.”
Tommy doesn’t even have to think about it, “He doesn’t seem like the type,” he says simply.
Abby looks at him, surprised. “You know him less than I do.”
Tommy shrugs, bouncing Elena absently when she fusses. “He’s not exactly acting like a guy juggling secret relationships right now. If he’s not at work, he seems to be with you.”
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