Hazel Noise

Bleeding out the existential thoughts on what matters to me: writing, cooking, new creative projects, unfinished projects, and observations. I'm a screenwriter.

[missbookwormday]

I should be writing my essay

I'm here to make a confession. I have 4 great imaginary friends. Before making this confession I did some research about adults having imaginary friends and it perhaps being a sign of insanity.

Good news. I'm healthy.

This bunch has been around for years. My stuffed fox Kyon I've had since 2009-ish. He's very wise and always joins me on my road trips.

Charles and I became friends in 2011-ish. He's a copper haired dude with a lot of energy. Very compassionate. Understanding. Good humored. I can always count on him to do fun stuff with me.

James and AJ also appeared around the same time as Charles.

James is a hard ass who constantly reminds me of my responsibilities. He likes to wear black. He has a serious deep voice that always cautions some of my crazed ideas with Charles. I have a deep respect for him. Lately we've been hanging out more.

AJ is kind of a mystery. He's a photographer and very quiet. He likes to observe and sort of show up randomly. When he says something, it's usually meaningful - as if he gives thorough thought to whatever comes out of his mouth. But sometimes... AJ's personality becomes the total opposite. He turns into a mean, foul-mouthed schemer who just wants to cause chaos. We call him Arthur when he turns into this person. Luckily, his spurts of chaos are short lived.

So, that's the gang! There are others that show up every now and then - but they're from universes from authors and creators from my favorite stories. So they don't really count.

I also wanted to bring this up because I mentioned it in a Discord server and don't think it was received very well haha Well it's just the vibe I got from them. BUT that's okay. Because according Google, I'm not insane.

AND I don't actually talk to them out loud. Only when I'm alone and out of earshot. There are some drawings I made of them in the past. I was thinking it might be fun to draw them again.

I'm happy to have these imaginary friends. They do so much for me that my current friends wouldn't understand how to help me - like talking about Latin or dealing with hidden stress.

[missbookwormday]

Progress

Hey there. I am in healing mode still! I think I’ll forever be in healing mode. 

Instead of focusing on other projects, I’ve decided to let go of the projects that I was working on. Why? In order to work on myself. 

I think I can improve my guitar and piano playing as well as my music production skills if I work on my own music projects. I was thinking of calling it Fox Heist.

1. I love bunnies

2. I love foxes

3. I am both the bunny and the fox

4. Heist sounds cool

In this process, I have decided that I want to truly dive deeper into the person I’ve been suppressing. 

With this whole anime revival, I’ve been watching all the anime I missed out on since I met him. The happiest I’ve been was when anime was involved. I’m not exactly sure why that is... 

I’m happier now that other people are more accepting of anime fanatics. 

So... I’m going to focus more on projects for myself. I think I need this dose of self fulfillment.

BTW I am working on a comic/manga. Still getting through the story and character development. But hopefully I’ll have at least 5 chapters completed by next year and released slowly the following year. 

Idk... we’ll see!

[missbookwormday]

They believe me

Something new has happened recently. I’ve been processing...

I was brave and told my story. I’ve told my story in the past to a couple of other people. I was severely disappointed that they didn’t believe me. Or if they did believe me, they continued to interact with my abuser. 

And very recently did people defend my story. I have support to warn people about my abuser. 5 years later, he hasn’t changed. 5 years later, he made the same mistake over and over again under different circumstances.

I’m not trying to “cancel” this person. I sincerely want him to get better about the decisions he makes. But he hasn’t. For me at least. And I expect he will do the same to others. Or has already done the same.

It feels good that a community stands behind me. It feels like I’m safe from him if anything happens. 

I am grateful. Really. I am happy that there are finally people who’s actions are true to their words. 

Thank you.

[missbookwormday]

a link to my music blog and a very short and abridged version of my musical self

[missbookwormday]

Hello Again

Hey. It’s been a while. 

I’ve got to admit, the last couple of years I’ve been wanting to revisit this blog and share more thoughts and events that have occurred. 

Most have been wonderful. Others ... not so much. 

Am I a coward if I’m still not sure what I’m afraid of?

Dear, reader. I hope you will help me figure that out. 

[missbookwormday]

Drum recording session in a dingy recording studio. He decided to just play to a click instead of additional instruments from the pre-production sessions.

[missbookwormday]

The clients listening to their mastered music. Sweet room for listening. 

[missbookwormday]

Monitoring levels for pre-production with a band we’re working with. When it clipped, it clipped hard! @_@

[missbookwormday]

Practice with one of the bands we’re working with. Such talent! I always groove to their music during their practice sessions. Hopefully we can fine tune their songs for the masses.

[missbookwormday]

Anya

After careful consideration, I have decided to leave the microphone company and pursue a degree in electrical engineering. If I want to make music gear, I need to go full throttle now. I'm 24 and it feels like time is slipping away quicker than when I was 23.

 I'm not waiting for anything. I want to work hard at something I want. I thought about returning to Davis but remembered how expensive it is to uproot completely.

 I've only told a few of my plan on returning to school. Goodbye, healthcare plans and steady income. Hello, health doubts and insecure income. If you've been following this blog, you'll notice that I tend to run away from certain situations dramatically. I think this one isn't as dramatic…

 I made a good friend on my audio engineering journey named Anya. We met through Jonah who decided to start a singer project with her marvelous voice. When I first met her, it was at a party. I was already drunk and did not register that the confused girl with a boyfriend on her arm was the Anya I've heard about and been looking forward to meet.

 Past that first impression, we realized we got along because of our similar views on life and similar life experiences. Anya is straightforward and a hard worker. But she can be silly and insecure with her singing. She's a good person because her goal is to help people who have lost the motivation to dance again. Did I mention that Anya is an amazing award-winning hip hop dancer? I think it takes an unselfish courage to devote your own life to the well-being of others. Not everyone can do this at that level - especially a person who has been let down in friendship and family often. She sticks to what she believes in, stubbornly, but her reasoning behind it is sensical and true. Naturally, we became best friends.

 When I told her I planned on leaving to North California for school, she broke down. I didn't find out about this until 4 days later after the news. When she told me that she wanted me to stay and that she felt immense sadness about me leaving, it made me re-think that uprooting from LA might only be a risk for myself but for others, too. Anya made LA feel like home just as she says I made her feel at home in LA. She opened my eyes to the opportunity cost of leaving LA.

 So, I'll stay here, quit my job in the upcoming months, and continue walking forward with amazing people.

[missbookwormday]

Me at NAMM 2016. NAMM is a convention where people geek out about music gear. As an audio engineer, going was an experience to learn more about gear. I also connected with a lot of new people. 

I missed the drum circle. But I played with all the tambourines I could find. 

[missbookwormday]

Showing The World

I currently work at a microphone company. The people there are very knowledgeable about audio engineering . Somehow it feels like my coworkers also strived for a position in the music industry. Defeated, they ended up working at a microphone company. My coworkers are talented people. Together we share a passion for audio and all things studio related.

 I am one of them now.

 I work with the company and enjoy each day because of the people I work with.

 In addition to this, I have found new friends. One in particular has not given up on his dream. His name is Jonah. And I am his assistant audio engineer.

 Ever since Jonah invited me to join him on his journey to become a great producer in LA, I've found a new distraction from existentialism. Our mission is to help artists develop their music for listening. Since last July, I've been learning a lot about audio engineering by fucking up freelancing projects. Haha I've learned a lot with the guidance from Jonah as well.

 Jonah has a bachelor's in Music and plays trumpet, bass, guitar, but not percussive instruments. Jonah has loads of gear and currently buying more in order to expand his collection in preparation for a studio space some time in the future. I believe in his dream. Although I'm not the best or experienced in audio engineering, he has the utmost patience for my fumbles.

 Jonah has a charitable and charismatic aura about him. We know that in order to do well with our projects, we must first show the world what we can do for super small indie bands. LA does not lack bands. And we are constantly finding people to work with us.

 I'm finding my existentialist self fading beneath motivational efforts. After work, I work again. All I want is to fill my days with work and help artists express their music efficiently and masterfully. Constant growth. We all should strive to constantly grow. We must all seek meaning not only within ourselves but through others' needs. Our world is made up of multiple people who do not realize that the best way to grow and reach your goals is to gain help from those around you. That is where you find true meaning. Through constant interaction with the world.

 BUT. Will this constant interaction be enough to fulfill the existentialist void? Will our goals be reached?

 Who's to say next month everything comes crashing down again with the set realization that life is not worth living?

 In the meantime, constant distraction with direction is the journey.

[missbookwormday]

The Hunt for Experience and Desire

My education at Pasadena City College has finished. At least for a year. Experience is more crucial than class under my circumstances. 

I'm on the hunt for a job and internship in the music industry and the interviews have been lining up. 

This week I went on an internship interview at a local studio. After gaining entry through their gate, I walked into the lounge room which had walls lined with burgundy velvet designs and wooden maroon furniture. I was glad I dressed up.

The interview was short. I'm not sure why, but I felt a need to make my interviewer laugh. When I did turn up my charm to accomplish this, I slipped in a bit of vulgar language. Not sure why my brain registered vulgar language as charming, but it did the trick. 

In progressing my job/internship search, I've picked up a couple of books on recording engineering focusing on the math and physics behind acoustics. It really is a science. I think I might go mad with music technology designs once I fully grasp the concepts. But I guess that goes the same for any field of study. Having those basic tools leads to creating new ones. 

My existentialist self has been hiding behind a veil of admiration. Although I'd love to share the details on the object of admiration, I also would prefer not to. It's new and fragile. It has defeated the existentialist question on living by coating the surface.

It's a facade. And it's strong now until time wears it thin. I'm hoping that by the time it wears thin, a thicker coating of real material would have grown beneath it, like rust on iron. 

This object is beyond my grasp. But I've painted a picture of it and placed it next to a mirror. It's morally wrong. One should just be one's self. But it is a model object symbolizing my goals as a being. It's an abstract painting of the future.  

Like most things beyond our grasps, we continue to reach because hope is fooled by the perspective through our eyes when we align them with hands and object . In reality, if we tilted our heads to disrupt that alignment we would notice that the object is farther from our fingertips than we had thought. 

He is far away.

[missbookwormday]

Easter Deaths

My parents are children and often argue. The argument they were in the previous week was an ugly one. My mother wasn't even driving her car to make a monetary point. Or something like that. 

On Friday, I got home from a jazz concert and noticed a beta fish in a fish bowl on our table. My excitement was extinguished when my mother told me she was only pet sitting.

I've had beta fish before and when I looked back at the bowl I knew that its slanted position and side swimming meant it was about die. 

Surely, its death on Saturday morning was no surprise. What was surprising was that my parents were getting along with each other after a week of terse conversations and eye rolling. It was as if nothing happened.

As most culturally aware people on this planet know, according to Christianity, Easter is the celebration of Jesus Christ's resurrection. 

I felt that the death of our neighbor's fish was the equivalent of Jesus' death. Except that the only thing resurrected was a general happiness in our household. 

(A song performed at the jazz concert)

[missbookwormday]

Dreams and Villains

I've been sick which means I've been taking medicine. Which means I've been having really weird hallucinatory dreams - the kind that melts the real world with the dream world. Dreams are supposed to reveal what is in the subconscious apparently. From what these dreams have told me is that I can't trust those around me again.

Around this neighborhood, people treat me with respect. My reputation in school probably has something to do with that, but I think it's just my attitude. I'm a very nice person. I can't change that because I've tried before. 

  I can be cold, too. And coming back to a place where people know they can use me has slapped that coldness back into me. Being aware of manipulation is what kept me from feeling used. Being cold is what kept me away from being manipulated. 

  Like I said, I'm a nice person. So most of the time, I end up doing favors for people because they ask me nicely, there is no leverage, and/or because it gives me reason to exist. I do have an upper hand around here and it makes me feel responsible. 

  Initially, I left because I didn't want to handle the responsibilities of taking care of people or helping them take care of themselves. Instead, I flew away with the one person I gave heart to hold. It's most certainly romance talk. Now I can say that it was nice while it lasted. But it's over. And now these people need me again. It's time to put my on my hat.

  I was entertaining the idea of becoming a "villain," but then decided that I wouldn't be that great at it unless everything is thought out. So, I'm going to think it out and then get back to you.

[missbookwormday]

Inspirations and Talent

Alex Kapranos glided across the stage as Nick jumped along to heavy synth chords, Rob nodded to his bass picking, and Paul banged the drums. I finally got to see Franz Ferdinand live at the Echoplex and they were amazing. The show was supposed to promote their new album Right Thoughts, Right Words, Right Action which is going to be spectacular!

      After the show I got to talk to Alex, Rob, and Paul, who introduced me to their friend Dianne, a music video director. It's interesting how many connections you can gain from speaking to popular performers. 

  The whole event got me thinking about fame. It is the commonly known that people get famous through talent.  I think it takes more than talent to become famous. Determination, ambition, need, confidence, communication skills, and opportunities are some of the things that make a person famous. 

  Celebrities are unique people who do what they want after they become famous as long as they continue being "themselves." By "themselves" I mean the image that made them famous. It must be sad when it's an image they don't find satisfying. Is it worth being famous when you're supposed to act in a manner you don't find preferable? Does it make you a fraud? Has our need to survive surpass the virtue of lying not only to the public but to yourself?

  Nonetheless, celebrities provide inspiration. I say this because seeing Kapranos on-stage  having fun sliding to the rhythm with his crocodile skin shoes made me feel like it's possible to start that band I've always wanted. As he belted out lyrics to songs, I too wanted to belt out all the things I want to share with the world. 

       So, thanks, Franz Ferdinand, for kindling my musical fires. 

[missbookwormday]

Family, Parties, and Survivors

Evan, Kristofer, Dwayne, and I sitting in the living room in apartment 206.Evan's typing away on his laptop. Kristofer is playing his shoegaze music. Dwayne is studying and chuckling every few minutes.  It's the homiest feeling as I lie on the carpet sketching the scene. 

  Then my mother wakes me. And I have a sinking feeling. Those days are gone. Only in my dreams could I remember how much I care for the three guys I lived with for a year. On this blog I can confidently say that I love them very much.

  Pardon the troll music.

Well, I've moved out of Davis. Currently sitting in my parents' kitchen trying to sleep my sadness away. I'm also happy, though. I've been calling it "sappy."

  My good friends in Davis participated in two going away parties, each 2 weeks apart and full of alcohol goodness. I definitely enjoyed the second one because I remember more of it. My housemate, Evan, made it the 15 I never had and brought a donkey pinata for me to destroy. 

  I broke down on the sidewalk before crossing to get to the loaded truck my Honda Civic tied to the back to be towed 370+ miles to Los Angeles. I already miss the friends I made in Davis. They were the ones who made living in Davis bearable. The ones who made it home. 

  All day, I've been making room in the mobile home for my sh*t. Which isn't much, mind you. Four bags of clothes and 5 boxes of books and miscellaneous. 

  Of course, when one cleans an old room one uncovers lost things. Amongst books, letters, and toys, I found my reporter's notebook. As I leafed through it, I found an interview on a Holocaust survivor. There were some memorable quotes scribbled down. Here are a couple:

  "I was taken to a labor camp with family"

  "Father said, 'Those who will survive have to talk.' Here I am to talk."

  "Parents taken to crematorios"

  "We worked in a cotton field. I was assigned to check the thread. I was fortunate that 1 of the French was nice to me."

  "As the war escalated, we had to go cattle cars made of wood. We had no water in 10 days"

  "We went to our concentration camp and wore wooden shoes."

  "I was given clothes with stripes."

  "1945 April 14/19: Loud speaker announced liberation. There was a lot of dead people."

  "Over at the convalescent home I met my husband. He treated us so I give him new clothes."

  "'She doesn't have a coat. I'm gonna give her my heart.'"

  "Legally we got into the US through Cuba. Both my children were born in Cuba."

  "I'm here to pinpoint hatred. Dont hate. Compromise but dont hate. You hurt yourself more than you hurt them."

  "Turn hatred into love. You are dead and I'm alive."

  "My mother always said, 'Compassion. If someone throws you a rock, feed him.'"

  This all made me feel like I've been taking life for granted. I think I'm going to be nicer. And like Esme suggested, to my sister, who lacked my support during hard times in the house.

  As a sister, I should have said or done something instead of running away 370+ miles away. But I'm here now. I'm going to set things right in this family starting with physical space. I'm glad I came back before the situations around here got out of hand.