𐌌𐌌:ᛑᙣ 𐌃𐌃:ᙣზ

find me on 38th day of 13th month

[mm13dd38]

not sure if i want to date the posts i'll be making here. i do like archiving but i'm stupid bad at being consistent. and archiving without consistency is a bit pointless.

i won't be particularly trying to fix myself, find solutions to my problems or anything of the like – i will go where my stream of thought goes. this blog was made with the intention to put down somewhere the tens of different trails of thought expanding simultaneously inside my head: i get lost and sucked into it without noticing it and this is my effort to try and stay afloat my mind. by separating my thoughts from my brain and uploading them online is how i wish to exert some control over them and hopefully not go insane.

will tag accordingly if there's somebody willing to follow along my madness, also leaving anon asks open just in case. in the end though not looking for likes, reblogs or other interactions but if anyone does interact with this blog – i guess we can see how that fits into my stream of insanity.

[mm13dd38]

i have endless fascination with the way things Work and interconnect to form full bodies. insides of computers, societies and civilizations, how human's skin heals after bruising, people's heads.. forever curious about the world.

[mm13dd38]

yeah i am a schizoid, still. i have come a long way in relationships though and doing the social thing and finding the almost perfect place of (dis)comfort among people. but that's just because i'm inherently interested in minds, my own and other people's, and i value kindness and social integrity – they don't come natural to me as a human but rather they're my interests i'm taking up. i'm aware not everybody on the low empathy spectrum has the same interests as me and i don't expect proficiency in "human-ing", i also know that objectively i have a pretty big tolerance for it but. but. but. how did you expect our relationship to work without developing any sort of interest in how to navigate it? you admitted in half words you only ever saw me as a property, object which qualities were useful to you, something that "if it fits, i'll wear it". your biggest flaw is that with all your actual possessions that you say are necessary to your daily life – you let them collect dust and other after-use residue until they break down and can't be used anymore. how do you expect a thing to last when you don't care of it? you could've at least learned to take care of your objects, including me. i wouldn't have minded it, even would've enjoyed it. yet you couldn't even do that.

[mm13dd38]

we had a new visitor? in the system today. he's our Angel. we don't know his exact name yet. but his voice is sweet and we liked having him guide.

[mm13dd38]

oh, it seems like we switched back to our usual host. don't remember a time when he was resting for such a long time and let another person take over for so long. we didn't even feel like a system during that time since our Jester doesn't really concern himself with being part of the system, just wreaking a little bit (or sometimes big) havoc and enjoying himself hah

[mm13dd38]

EMDR, feels like, changed my brain chemistry in a way where i sometimes can't recognize myself. but i want to continue this blog, it feels like an inner alchemical journey of sorts. sadly, i don't anymore relate nor identify myself with the schizoid individual. and my plurality also needs re-examining, but i haven't been prompted to do it since it hasn't been bothering me for a couple of months now. heads up to the bunch of people that pressed the follow button: thinking of changing up this blog a little and continuing

[mm13dd38]

holy things:

a cigarette

my solomon's key talisman i've found in a plant pot at work

the pretty look in my eyes when i look in the mirror and can't recognize myself

black coffee. with oatmilk.

[mm13dd38]

skin to skin contact

making out

chunky boots

original redbull (my partner said it tastes like gas. probably the exact reason i like it)

my deformed, cut up angel wings

kink

[mm13dd38]

cleaning, sorting, categorizing

fresh air

long car talks

[mm13dd38]

smell of bleach & chlorine

peppermint tea

the my little pony grapefruit body mist i bought recently

cherry fisherman's friend

masturbating

[mm13dd38]

the human smell of my Master & his perfume mixed together

kenya muchagara

"lord of the flies" by thornapple

frilly socks, ruffle sleeves & the like

my exhaustion for life

[mm13dd38]

my hate for my human smell

my hate for humans (not humanity)

my hate for text messages

my hate

[mm13dd38]

nothing is holy.

[mm13dd38]

information & acquiring (external + internal) knowledge

cranberry juice

flowing water, clean sheets

practicing, honing a skill

[mm13dd38]

when i say i hate holiday season people usually relate. and i see them get angry over gift shopping and the amount of people at stores and at their families and their stupid opinions over the christmas table.

and then they turn around and give gifts to their families with a smile, they put on christmas playlists at home, decorate their home the cliche green-and-red way, go get hot cocoa with marshmallows with a particular glee in their eyes... you're a liar.

this fucking stupid communal mentality people have. it's like it's a trend to hate christmas these days. it's ok to enjoy them if you can. jesus. i'm jealous of you!! and then i'm the weird one for actually hating holidays. well, is it my fault you yourself confused your hate for your love?

[mm13dd38]

plural problem is that every headmate has different writing/artistic/interest projects that they do and we can never finish anything because we only partake in them when fronting. some projects are shared but other ones are completely not interesting to the rest...

[mm13dd38]

i can sense myself being different people. every person has a completely different mindspace. hence different POVs, different decision-making logic, different likes and dislikes, different ways they deal with stress and uncomfortable situations, different thought pathways, different habits and rituals they do... we're bad at telling apart who's fronting, usually there's a couple of us at the surface and we take turns fronting depending on the situation at hand. we have Observer who fronts pretty often yet quietly, when we're by ourselves, and who's job is To Make Sense Of Things – mostly make sense of our system. he's the one taking notes. but today, and actually the last 2-3 days, he's been resting probably. he's not even near the surface so our understanding of ourselves feels pretty hazy. i wouldn't like to say who's writing... my job is secretive in nature and only the very chosen ones get to experience me. i'm pretty good at adapting although i'm probably the oldest in the system. i also like observing Observer's work. but my objectives are different. Observer forgets to relax about all this information and i'm here to experience everything at the core. i like to say i'm the one connecting this body's core to the core of the Universe. that's all i can say about my work in this system. i like to act upon the rule of shutting up when needed to.

[mm13dd38]

had to make like a month's break from my EMDR because the times available didn't match with my work schedule. in any way – this week i've got my first appointment after the break and i'm pissing my pants scared to go...

i started therapy in march-april and since then i've been boiling from inside out like literally mentally vomiting. i guess that's the cleansing and healing part. have to get rid of all the shit first before seeing any improvement.

and there was an improvement, my dissociation levels according to the test reduced significantly, and i can feel it. had to adjust to myself being real-time sensitive (without 3 business days delay) to various stimuli and learn all over again to manage myself.

during this month that i'm therapy-free, i finally feel so myself. so manageable; even though there were bad and good days. everything finally feels pretty stable and i don't want to break my peace anymore... planning on asking my therapist to do a permanent break once i go in this week. don't know how she'll respond to that.

i just really don't want to do this anymore.

[mm13dd38]

there's something missing. from my life, or maybe from me. there's something only sleep can fix if it was eternal.

[mm13dd38]

i think i'm gonna quit therapy for some time. been doing it for more than half a year now and there is some kind of progress but my mind's looping even more than before starting therapy. and my body can't take the weight of this intensity anymore.

[mm13dd38]

another day of waking up tired. it feels like i haven't slept for a month. my body is falling apart and i have no means to hold it together.

[mm13dd38]

i'm an object to them.

while it's something i crave for – being recognized as an object and a Thing and a Creature and an It rather than people seeing me as human – this time it hurts. my heart contracts and tightens into a knot yet all i can do is say "yes" to everything. do i have a choice?

i've been shown my own place. i knew it from the beginning but i must've imagined us differently. or maybe it's hard adjusting my heart to my mind's wishes.

a dog. a dog. a dog. a pet. your pet. but you also want to feel like you're doing a good job keeping a pet so not only outwardly but you want to know i'm happy doing this with my whole being. however i'm only happy when i forget myself and am doing something for you. you get angry, say you want me to do this for myself. but my master, my "for myself" is for you. it's for you.

isn't it how it's supposed to work. i'm your Thing and you let me be your Thing by not caring about me in an explicit manner, at least. you caring about me not as a human but how you would care about any of your possessions you use daily. yet you keep switching between wanting my entire, undoubted, immediate surrender and showing me lenience as well as wanting equal cooperation on half of the decisions. but how can you want my complete submission without sturdy orders and strict demeanor and being selfish about your wants? i don't understand what you want from me.

am i the only one confused? you say you don't want to break me. but master... you breaking me selfishly is what's intimate to me, it's what i want... i don't want to break doing things that "you want" me to do but actually they're things for my own benefit. it's not worth my break. what's worth it is you.

[mm13dd38]

in front of any person i'm always putting up a performance. that doesn't mean i'm faking it, no. my performance is very automatic to me and feels natural. i can even enjoy myself in it. however it gets bad when after some time i start realizing that this performance is more so taking a toll on my mental well-being rather than is enjoyable. that's all.

[mm13dd38]

i'm not a match to people. relationships disgust and nauseate me no matter how much i like a person.