Hey pretty c:

22

[mod-by-reb]

Hi there

I’m Reb :) 

I’m struggling with disordered eating, so I thought I might as well start a mini accountability blog to see how my relationship with food improves with time!

(see my goals here) 

I somehow managed to recover from my eating disorder, but I’m still stuck with unhealthy eating habits when it comes to how I eat. 

I’ve had an unhealthy relationship with food my whole life (pre-ED) because of how I grew up. We never had any food in the fridge aside from mayo and mustard, and with every trip to the grocery store, it was a free for all and everything was consumed in the first day and a half, and the rest of the week was pretty much just a yikes situation :D When my family got into a better financial situation, despite food being readily available these habits persisted and we still overate every day because of the irrational fear that the food might be gone the following day. Ultimately this resulted in my unhealthy consumption and now that I’ve recovered from a bigger demon, I’ve decided what the hecc, might as well treat my body with respect and fix this too

I do not engage in calorie counting and the food I consume doesn’t impact me mentally. Physically however? As I type I feel a tat bit sick because of my intake, but hey, that’s what this blog is for- overcoming this :) 

I do hope to fully tune in with my body and overall lose around 10kg of fat, but that’s only really for the sake of my hobbies (sports).

Once again, I do not feel bad about what I eat or how I eat whatsoever- during consumption or after the fact. This is NOT an ED blog.

My disordered eating includes some of the habits I developed during my eating disorder too, where I essentially ignore any hunger (not going to go into details). This results in me either eating my daily intake (and sometimes more) in one meal (more or less OMAD, but correct me if I’m wrong- 2500+ calories per sitting is not the strat :D) or eating no breakfast, having a very tiny lunch, eating a decent dinner, and then snacking to keep the feeling of being full until about 3/4 hours before bedtime. 

I estimate the calories I consume instead of counting, and I pretty much eat up to maintenance daily (I’m pretty sporty, so this comes up to about 3000 calories a day) which is pretty darn great. I’ll have to develop a small deficit overall (won’t be an issue considering I literally feel stuffed while eating maintenance) to lose the last bit of excess weight I’m hanging onto. 

The goal for now is to get used to feeling satiated and maintaining that, rather than being at one extreme or the other (ignoring hunger vs being fully stuffed and maintaining that feeling). I'm hoping to learn to notice my hunger by asking my body if it’s either hungry, thirsty or bored  and respond appropriately. If the answer is hungry, the main goal is to stop eating when I'm satiated rather than full to the brim and to allow myself to refuel in this manner for good! 

As the blog name suggests: ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*  moderation is key  *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ 

So wish me luck!

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Throughout my update posts (structured “Day X”) I’ll highlight the thinking I see as problematic, to emphasize what I need to work on.

[mod-by-reb]

Day 9

Only problematic day so far!

Woke up at 11am, but no food in the house/nothing to eat. SO MUCH HUNGER but it would go away, then come back, then go away again. Came back from the shops at 4.30pm and reached for a quick snack as dinner had to be cooked (crisps- 150, regrets as they make me feel sick, but it’s whatever). I also had a banana (130) and something else?? I don’t recall, but it was a miniscule amount as I was just super peckish and dinner was going to be ready by 6.30pm.

I ended up making a mint hot chocolate with cream while waiting for dinner (350) 

Dinner itself was HUUUUUGE, but only because I tried to add veggies, and added some cheese as well.

Not the best quality pics but man, I was just wanting to EAT 

Dinner total would be around 550 for chicken, 100 max for veggies, 100 for cheese and around 100 for oil (so 900ish).  The only reason today was problematic is because all this was eaten within the span of 2.5 hours and I’m really aiming to distribute the food across the whole day. 

I’m currently the fullest I’ve been in over a week and it feels super uncomfortable. I’m just beyond bloated and don’t like feeling this way. 

Total so far is 1530??? I can’t believe it honestly, I must’ve missed something out. Although honestly, believable in the sense I feel beyond full and it was consumed within a short span of time. 

 I’ll probably go move about a little (roller-skate) before dessert comes. An apple pie is being made as we speak and I’ll likely have some with cream. Gosh I wish I had some custard instead. Will update the log towards the end of the day :) 

[mod-by-reb]

Day 8

Started the morning with some bad news and had to take pupper to the vet. Was super hungry and knew whipping something up at home from scratch would take too long so I grabbed myself a toffee latte and 2 McFlurries (mars and twix and GOSH IM SO UPSET I DIDN’T GET TO HAVE THE MINT AERO ONE AGAIN).

 Total for the trip around 700. This was in excess (only coffee wise) but I needed the caffeine and the rest of their drinks aren’t that great :D

Had my last sandwich (500) and once again felt sick and 6 hours later still do :D Oh well, at least never again, right? 

FINALLY HAD A BANANA (130) ANDD MMMM

I learned something very valuable about condensed milk today and ended up having 3 or 4 teaspoons (100). MEGA YUM, will likely use that recipe in the next few months to make my favourite dessert.

Ended the day with an omelette (600).

Total: just over 2k and I am beyond full. I found myself piling on food onto my plate earlier just to eat the feelings away about the vet visit as I’m extremely worried, but as soon as I noticed I just gave it to someone else and went about my day. I didn’t even WANT to eat. I just wanted to not feel. Overall, I’m really happy with the day because despite having sugar throughout the day I didn’t exactly have excessive cravings for it or anything else sweet as a response. I would’ve drunk more coffee if all the milk hadn’t gone off (3 different jugs) but it is what it is.

[mod-by-reb]

I uh

I thought I had a worse relationship with food than (what it looks like) I actually do!  I’ll keep updating this blog for 4 months at most, more likely just stop at 90 days especially if I’m able to maintain this without thinking about it while also reaching the goals I’ve set!

Before I started this I thought it would be beyond difficult but no, I’m just being attentive to my body’s needs and respond to them. All it takes to have healthy eating habits is to hold yourself accountable for the food you consume and go for the right options. I’ve not eaten thoughtlessly in excess in almost a week and I’m just so proud of that? 

Another thing that I’ve noticed is I’m not thinking about food 24/7 which is lovely (and a huge contrast between both my ED days and before I started this blog). I know how much I’ve consumed, how much and what my body approximately needs,and I just aim to match that when I prep my meal when I get hungry. I was so afraid of unintentional weight loss as I thought I might relapse into ED behaviours, but I’ve been absolutely spot on??? I’m so happy about this!!! I’m actually improving my relationship with food greatly!!!

I definitely need to start loading up on the greens. The only reason I haven’t so far is that a single chicken thigh fills me up so much, I wouldn’t finish it if I also sliced some tomatoes/bell-pepper/cucumber/made a side salad, but I really need that protein for my muscles. What I’ll likely do is incorporate veggies as snacks, rather than as sides for my dinners. Alternatively I’ll make a stir fry to enjoy with some eggs, as that’ll be lower on the fat and hence not make me feel as full as the chicken skin does. That way my portion sizes should increase, while also being more nutritionally dense and satiate me based on quantity, rather than the fat content. 

I want to see how my mind will react in situations where food is free/a range of favourite foods is present- will I be able to still eat in moderation, or will I go all out just because it’s a “once a year” kind of thing?

I want to also learn to say no to food in social settings/be reasonable with whatever I do end up purchasing (as portions are oversized, and that large serving at a slight increase in price is extremely tempting), and not feel guilty about throwing food away if it’s too much. Haven’t had a chance to not finish a meal yet, as I try to portion in healthy amounts aka fist size portions/what would fill my small bowls kind of thing. It’s been working great! I don’t even know why plate sizes are so ginormous (unless of course you load them with veggies).  But seriously? Large plates are platter size. There is no need for them aside from being used in big gatherings.

I was going through a Kayla Itsines book on food, and I remember flicking through it (pre-ED, while overweight) and thinking “no way this is enough food to get by on in a day and sustain this, this is ridiculous!” but the perspective change is so huge??? That is healthy? Those portion sizes are actually perfect? I’d double the portion size for one of the meals for people at a higher weight/insert another meal somewhere, but normal weight person intake is about that big unless they engage in rigorous activity and require the extra energy. It’s pretty much the amount I’ve been consuming and I feel incredible!

I am actually shook. I tried eating as much as I do now before, but eating at set times. That did not work whatsoever. However just eating a lil whenever I feel peckish? Perfection. And I can already see changes (although minor) in my body. Intuitive eating is brilliant. 

[mod-by-reb]

Day 7

Breakfast of semolina with raspberries (300) and a glass of milk (100). The bananas were nowhere near ripe enough for consumption (couldn’t even peel) so that was a bummer.

Lunch was chicken (300) and sandwich (600). I actually ate the chicken and felt hungry again within 30 minutes so I whipped up the sandwich.

Dinner - sandwich (300) + chicken (300)

Total 1900.

This is about maintenance for today 😊

Today was actually awful in the sense I didn’t want dinner and forced myself to have it anyway (I would’ve gotten hungry right about now, but this is bedtime and I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I ate later (and I’m still gonna struggle as I feel too full and sick)). I need the extra protein to recover as my body is achy and I’ll get more sleep in tonight, so I had to eat past my body screaming “no” which was okay, but I don’t like feeling this full at this point :D 

I did also get super sick because of the second sandwich. Tomorrow I’m gonna have one for one last time and be done with them for good as I do with all the other foods that make me extremely unwell. It’s so yummy, but it’s not worth messing up my insides for it (and uhhhh it really has just from yesterday’s meal, I’ve literally been in tears because of the pain and I need to stop being mean to myself with food just bc it tastes good :c)

Overall, “eh”. Ate more than I needed, but I did it consciously (rather than just went for food because of boredom) so that’s a win in my book!

I’m actually dealing with this much better than I thought I would :) I’m so proud of myself <3 

Gonna make myself some protein bars and start incorporating protein shakes into my diet (bc heck, need to use up the odd 70kg of protein I’ve lying about from my ED days :D) 

[mod-by-reb]

Day 6

Slight slip ups throughout the day, but I managed to not go overboard

Started the day with a BCAA for my workout, and also a chicken thigh (700ish total). Then uhhh still felt a bit hungry. Felt too lazy to make sushi, so I just got the rice and the nori and took a bite of each. I definitely did NOT stop when I felt satiated (i’d say this was 400 total max (likely closer to 300, but I don’t want to underestimate my intake)).

Didn’t feel at all hungry when groceries came in. Without thinking about it I dug into the costco chicken (they are DELISH) and I love the fattest parts (and then I went uh-oh what am I doing I’m not even hungry (another 400).

And then I spotted the stuffed costco sandwiches 👀👀👀 

Last time I asked for some, we got them but they were all eaten while I was asleep so I’ve lowkey craved them for over a week, so I said to myself I’ll eat the smallest half cold, and heat up the remainder later. The heat-up didn’t happen. 

It doesn’t look that calorific (naan/carb being around 200, chicken inside being about 70, salad 10, SAUCE ???? Probably closer to the 150 mark and I also noticed that the naan was ridiculously oily???? so uhh likely another 150-200 calories on top as it’s pretty thicc). So the total for that big boye is around 600?? They don’’t have calories on their food so it’s all estimates. I noticed that I was struggling to stop so I just switched off my brain and left the kitchen.

 This always happens. I notice when I’m satiated (and I wasn’t even hungry or craving when I came in, I just saw food and I was like “oh time to dig in”) and I before I started this moderate consumption thing I’d just keep going to fill up. I didn’t succeed at getting bloated or whatever, but the sandwiches always make me sick (yet I love them so much :D, it’s the only food I haven’t discontinued despite a negative reaction from my body). 

The day is on shakey ground but eh, I worked out so I’m not too bothered that the intake is a bit higher. I was hoping to not eat a sandwich and have a banana or two instead since that has also been a craving for the last few days but I’ll just have one for breakfast tomorrow c: 

Total 2100

I avoided caffeine intake entirely, and hope to do the same tomorrow (yay!)

I actually haven’t exercised in a long time (shhh don’t tell anyone) so I’m pretty sure the DOMS will be pretty bad tomorrow. But hey, 800 calories burned via exercise today is pretty chill. I wanna make it a goal at some point (depending on how available I’ll be at uni) to do a similar accountability thing for burning at least 1k a day via workouts which is super simple honestly, I’ve just been discouraged by my situation at home

This is why I decided to start this in the first place. Whenever anyone is mean to me (let’s face it, more like shits on me continuously for no good reason) I comfort with food (hence overeat) and drop any productivity (in my case exercise and independent learning). I want to overcome that.

I’ve found myself reaching for food SO MANY TIMES just because I’ve been screamed at continuously but then I just go “nah, if I eat just because of that- they win” so here we are :) I’m trying to remain productive in other spheres of my life by not letting my surroundings dictate how much I get done in the day :) I did good today, I think :)

[mod-by-reb]

Day 5

Started the morning with some sushi (300) and had a lot of chicky c: (1000). Also drank a collagen shake (have like 3 portions left and it takes up so much space, 80kcal). I also drank 2 mochas, 500, and ate a jar of gherkins (oh how I’ve missed them, hadn’t had any in yEARS, 100kcal).

Total for the day is approximately 2000, which is maintenance. Good day :) 

[mod-by-reb]

Day 4

Started the day with another chicken thigh (big fan) at a 600 and a mocha at 300. For dinner I had a bigger meal (4 eggs, a lot of cheese, all on a naan) at 900 and snacks (tomato 40, pear 120). Overall looking like just under 2000, which is around maintenance for the day. I’d say today was okay, only because the dinner was a bit too much and I ate more than I needed buuuut it was still fine :) Didn’t end up overeating or eating any sweet treats :) SUCCESS

[mod-by-reb]

Day 3

I DID SO GOOD!!

Ok so for starters I actually just weighed in - I thought I was around 63/64kg but apparently I was wrong :D In reality I’m just over 67kg which changes my goal a lil. So I’ve around 13kg to lose via 6-8 months of healthy habits <3

I’ve managed to pull off an all-nighter again, need to get my sleep fixed up asap

Started with a HUUUUUGE breakfast of blueberry cottage cheese. Mixed in wayyyyy too much sour cream, so it ended up being over 700 calories. Didn’t feel “stuffed” though, just right- so it was the right call :) 

For dinner I had 1 chicken thigh again (550) and uhhh promptly felt sick/got stabbing pains in my stomach. Besides I was only up for 3 hours when I had this so it didn’t feel much like dinner and “breakfast” was at 3pm xd Staying up until like 5/6am the day before did so much harm, but I’m fixing it by getting up in 3/4 hours :) I didn’t exercise AGAIN but I went for a 2 hour skating session, and once I got back I started snacking a lot, so let’s see...

Had 200g of parma ham (500), 2 tomatoes (50), 2 carrots (40), plenty of tea, some juice concentrate (15) and uhhh I think something else??? I can’t remember

I did so darn well to resist everything (but parma :D) including croissants, kinder buenos, hazelnut chocolate and caramel bars. Sugar only urges more cravings (but dang did I want something sweet). Really wanted a banana, but someone ate the remaining 5 today :)))) and that someone also ate the rest of my cottage cheese that I was saving for a later snacc :))))))  And why?? Bc I told the someone I don’t wanna cook them steak because I always give in and eat a piece myself and feel sick every. siNGLE. DARN. TIME. But hey, I’m so so happy because even though I kept snacking, I didn’t eventually give into the cravings. 

Overall that’s like what, just under 1900? Means today I’ve managed to make around a 500 calorie deficit c: 

I’m surprised I’ve had it in me to consciously resist the urge to eat more than I need for a few days in a row. I’ve literally had to talk myself out of overconsuming with “you just want more because it’s so yummy and you are a 10/10 cook, not because you’re hungry”. 

I want to learn to savour the taste, which I have today!! Including the parma ham!! Even after the 100g I was pretty much done, but thought I might as well keep going to fill up the calories and not get into a too big of a deficit/decrease chance I might eat something else instead

All in all I’m so proud of myself!! Now all that’s left to do is do this every day forever :) I’m so excited to make a habit of eating healthy portions

[mod-by-reb]

Day 2

Today went pretty darn good I’m actually hungry as we speak, but I struggle falling asleep on a full stomach so I won’t be having anything right now. It’s technically day 3, as it’s 4am but shhh don’t tell anyone

I ran into major bad news and I’ve been trying to fix everything for the last 5 hours despite the burning in my eyes

Today wasn’t ideal in my coffee consumption (had 2 mint mochas (600)), and uhhhh I had a banana I think (oof I don’t even know how many calories are in one as it used to be a fear food :D it was a big one so lets say 170) and (please don’t scold me) only 1 large chicken thigh (550) for dinner. 

In total I’ve had less than maintenance, but the reason was I wasn’t feeling hungry because of the coffee, and I had to stop myself before I grabbed another thigh (as even 1000 calories in a sitting are a tough feat), especially as close to bedtime as I thought it was.

Then the big technological mess up took place and you know the rest. Wish I grabbed a snacc (but not sure what as we OOOH I REMEMBERED, I had some pineapple earlier too, not much though as it wasn’t too nice :D 70 calories tops. But yeah, barely anything fun food-wise in the house).

Overall, I don’t think anything went wrong today/there’s nothing to highlight as a problem. The caffeine wasn’t ideal, but I wouldn’t have had managed today without it. I also didn’t exercise or even walk about (all day on the PC sorting out tech stuff) so my deficit isn’t that big which is perfect.

I’d say today was a success :)

[mod-by-reb]

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚My Goals˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

Here are the things I’m working towards when it comes to my relationship with food, it’s consumption, and how the result will influence and work with my body and mind <3 

Between days 20-30 I want to achieve at least 3 successful consecutive days of listening to my body and its needs, and every week thereafter to have 3 or more successful days (preferably consecutive) with healthy eating

I’m hoping to also make these healthy habits permanent by the 90 day mark (6-7 successful days a week)

By the 90 day mark I’ll be managing my own consumption, so it’ll be much easier (living on campus)

Decrease caffeine consumption (currently on around 1 coffee every 3 days, but who knows how it’ll go in uni, so this one is on shaky ground)

Better sleep routine (sleep often procrastinated because I feel too full/too sick before bed)

Successful days (in current experience) will likely involve avoiding seconds and thirds, and if feeling peckish- not starting a new meal and getting a snack instead and seeing how I feel after that. 

Get used to having no taste in my mouth (often the reason I go back for more). Rinse (or brush) after a meal to also improve dental health.

Learn to redirect boredom (perhaps do a few lessons, or a skincare routine instead)

Create a natural deficit, whatever the body is comfortable with by just eating intuitively, and aim for a total loss of 9kg (should take anywhere from 4-6 months, accounting for current activity levels, and increased activity while in uni).

I might add a few more as time goes on, but honestly, I just want healthier skin, healthier insides, less stress on my stomach and heart because of the sheer volume consumed in a short time span, and a lower weight as a byproduct, as I’ll never need this much stored fat, especially while advancing in my hobbies.

Overall this will also result in better sleep and hence more energetic morning workouts as well as better recovery. 

I am so so very excited for this :) BRING IT OOOOON!!!

[mod-by-reb]

Day 1 (25/07/2021)

Ok so I actually started this yesterday, but decided to create a separate blog from my workout log blog as I want to keep myself accountable and see how well I do with time :)  Today wasn’t great??? Like mentioned I do not count calories, but I do estimate by eye (hence how I know I eat maintenance <3)  I think throughout my posts I’ll highlight the thinking I see as problematic, to see what I need to work on.

I did super well, but uhhh we ran out of healthy food/just had common ingredients and bad decisions were made (panic mode in the mind, must consuuuume aaaaall). 

So we’ve had no food in the house for the past 2 days, so I just whipped up a pizza (a naan bread w tomato sauce, seasoning, a good amount of cheese, tomato, and a shredded chicken thigh on top (1000) and a mint mocha for lunch (250). Drank a can of cider (not a great call, not one I’d really make often, kinda regret it bc it’s not good for my health. Have no idea about calorie content and didn’t wanna look up as I avoid it entirely as part of recovery). 

Today was supposed to be food day (we do grocery shopping every 4-5 days) and ehhh basically everything was sold out. And of course as a family we decided hey, takeaway is a great idea! (not :D)

I thought hmmm, I don’t feel too hungry, but maybe I will once I get around to eating (20 minute walk each way) WRONG, but I thought, eh, it’s bought, means it has to be eaten (WROOOONG THINKING, another big thing is that my whole childhood I was taught to finish what is on my plate). This is directly linked with all-or-nothing thinking.

I told myself I’d eat it in 2 parts, a bit today, and the majority tomorrow as there still would be no proper food (it was extremely oily so I’d estimate 1500). I don’t know where exactly it went wrong, but it did. And that’s okay. What I’m more worried about is that when it comes to anything spicy, soda is a must. And when it comes to soda, I prefer taste of diet (unlike my family). All-or-nothing thinking resulted in me drinking the full 2L. Not ideal :D

I am never getting takeaway again, it is so so very icky and oh my lord I have no idea how I used to live off diet soda and enjoy it??? IT’S SO GROSS I NEVER WANT TO DRINK ANY EVER AGAIN AND I FEEL SO BAD FOR MY INSIDES TRYING TO PROCESS IT AS WE SPEAK AAAA

I think I need to take much better care of my kidneys considering what I’ve subjected them to throughout the years. I’ll likely just stick to water, some smoothies and keep caffeine consumption to a minimum

I also had 4 servings of chocolate (around 600??). I hadn’t had any aero chocolate in years, and the McDonald’s recent Mint McFlurry made me want to revisit it :) I also tried the new caramel Cadbury one (light chocolate squares, super nice). Not the best snack, as sugar messes with my skin but it’s pretty much a once a year sort of experience as I’m not a big fan of chocolate so what the hecc, WORTH

So overall, the kebab was my downfall and I’ll likely never settle for it again. No one will ever again see me with any soda in hand. Both are not worth nutritionally or how my body feels afterwards (awful :D)

Technically I’m around maintenance but I feel so sick and this is exactly why I’ve started this account. I want to eat not only healthier, but also spread the intake across the whole day. Healthy eating is easy, but stopping mid meal/balancing my intake is what I struggle with. Eating the kebab in the span of 8 hours would be ideal, but it was consumed within an hour and I still feel physically sick. 

But hey, I’m doing so so well and recognising what I struggle with. I’m gonna take a proactive approach to shape positive habits when it comes to consumption and come out so much healthier at the end of it <3 <3 <3