Incredibly Subjective Monster Reviews

Daily Democratic Monster Thirst (In wildly sporadic intervals)

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Obviously this blog isn’t super active anymore, but if you’d like very similar content in podcast form, consider listening to me and my buddy’s podcast Our Beautiful Monster!

We have five episodes out and new ones come out every other Tuesday night. The format is fairly similar to this blog except with talking and unrelated tangents. You know, comedy! It’s available on most podcasting platforms. Please give it a listen!

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YOU ASKED FOR THIS, give me lovecraft from bungou stray dogs, rate that squid in a human suit

H. P. LOVECRAFT (Bungou Stray Dogs)

I didn’t actually plan for this to come right after the post where I dragged the real H.P. Lovecraft but sometimes these things just work out.

INTRODUCTION: I have never watched or read BSD but from what I’ve been told it’s about anime gijinkas of authors who have magic powers fighting each other because they’re all in various mafias. Howard Phillip Lovecraft is famous for writing a bunch of stuff about weird monstrous elder gods from either deep outerspace or the depths of the ocean, or somehow both, because he did this because he was incredibly afraid of the ocean. Thus Anime Howard here is basically just Cthulhu in a meat suit. But I’m not going to talk about that thing because it’s a pretty put and dry Cthulhu design with its many tentacles and bat wings. I’m over it. Meat Suit Howard here is far more interesting and horrible

PROS:♥ Listen we can all pretend we’re over our phase where some weird sleepy goth with dramatic anime hair is appealing but deep down… you know.♥ The only time I find tentacles even remotely appealing is when they are physically improbable if not impossible. Howard shooting just this ridiculous mass of horror flesh out his sleeves is very good as is the relative disinterest I am sure he is doing it with.♥ Anyway, the core of my argument is that there’s nothing especially interesting about that towering cthulhu itself. The real appeal is all of that being crammed into a meat suit that Howard doesn’t seem to have entirely under control. Case in point this man’s neck is just an absolute disaster.

♥ What the fuck, Howard. The weird sunken dead eyes are just icing on the cake. There is literally no reason for your neck to do that but I’m so glad it does. And then there’s the implicating that if he goes to hard his neck just gives up entirely, which he is just REALLY unconcerned about. I don’t know if he’s capable of being concerned since I’ve only ever seen pictures of him looking tired or vaguely startled just by the general concept of being, presumably because of his poorly constructed meat suit binding him to this mortal plane.♥ My understanding is that he and his friend John Steinbeck are antagonists but he seems like a nice man, one time he tries to make a balloon animal out of his tentacles to appeal to a child.

CONS:

♥ The full on Cthulhu form is boring and I’m entirely over Cthulhu’s reign as the Most Popular Elder God.♥ Bungou Stray Dogs is in fact mainly about some other people including some kid who isn’t even some sort of anime author, when it could be about Howard here just trying to get through life as a pile of tentacles in a suit. Like a Haiyore Nyaruko-san except not terrible in every conceivable way.♥ I can’t just dock the tentacles because I think they’re fairly well executed here but they are just so generic. Put some spikes on them or something. At least have the decency to cover them in suckers or something!! Give them some character!!!

RATINGS:MONSTRUOUSNESS: 5/10 The actual monster qualities are pretty rote here, what really shines is the body horror aspect of the setup and the execution of him as just this deeply odd man.

FUCKABILITY: 4/10 I don’t personally find Howard appealing in this sort of way but I know someone is and I’m sure you could do something creative with his head bending all sorts of ways. I refuse to give him sexy points for tentacles because of my personal bias against them.

PERSONAL RATING: 6.5/10 90% of what I see from this show is just that Chuuya guy and his boyfriend. Why does no one ever talk about this goth cryptid or the horrible russian rat man, who are clearly far more interesting and less generic. People are fools.

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I heard you like dads, so why not try Persona's Nyarlathotep? (◡ ‿ ◡ ✿)

NYARLATHOTEP (Persona 2)

You heard correctly, and oh fucking boy I’d seen That Design before and Forgotten about it before looking him up for this. Anyway, P2′s Nyarlathotep has a bunch of forms worthy of this blog so I’m gonna break format again a bit to examine them all, from least good to best.

INTRODUCTION: I’ve played maybe a couple hours of Persona 2 so I can’t tell you anything about it, but if you’re not familiar with Persona as a whole it’s about teens summoning their own bespoke monsters (personas) to fight other monsters. Nyarlathotep is I guess an antagonist in Persona 2 but like a lot of things in persona it’s drawing on existing lore. Nyarlathotep is an eldritch outer god from H.P. Lovecraft’s works.

#5: Crawling Chaos

♥ I appreciate how the weird suction cup things the other designs have widen here to become souless faces. It’s a really good look. But other than that, it’s really just a faceless dude with some tentacles, isn’t it. Look at his weird slumped posture, like some 17 year old hanging outside the school waiting for his mom to come pick him up. I can’t respect a man/unknowable eldritch horror with such poor posture. He knows he’s not the best form and he’s fine with it. He doesn’t care.

#5: Kandori’s Persona

♥ Listen, I love a good asymetrical design, but I just don’t know what’s going on here. Surely, it might make more sense in context, but it’s persona, so it also might fucking not. The horrible bony claws are very good though. And I respect his choice to be partly a weirdly dissected religious statue especially because that throws a third arm on it. Also the weird noodle limbs. Like I have mostly positive things to say because all of these designs are incredibly choice. But he’s still 4th.

#3: Joker-Nyarlathotep

♥ I know, I know, “this is just the last one but without the statue face and crazy limbs!” Listen, sometimes less is more. And also while the noodle limbs are charming, I am really digging the way that this dude’s limbs have an extra joint making his legs digitigrade (which is good) and his arms look fucking broken (which is also good in a very different way). The weird block fringe on Kandori’s Persona is interesting but the way Joker-Nyarlhotep here has a body that’s reminiscent of a deeply emaciated person, mouth contorted in a permanent grimace while wearing something vaguely reminiscent of a straightjacket with a bunch of stakes in its heart… This is Peak Persona Body Horror Aesthetic. Classy and Sleek at first glance but the more you look at it the worse it gets.

#2: Moon Howler

 ♥  I mean, this definitely just looks like a rejected Zygarde form on the grounds of being “too unsettling for a children’s game,” but I love its horrible fucked up tripod legs so much. I cannot fathom how they move or even are oriented in a 3D space and that is a good thing. There’s still the vague semblance of a humanoid form but it’s so distorted at this point. I especially like how it does have human hands but I didn’t realize it immediately because they’re submerged in tentacles and I just mistook them for some sort of sub-tentacles at first. I don’t know if those things on its arms and head are zippers or elongated toothy mouths but given I don’t see anything else mouthlike and it’s called Moon Howler I have to assume they are and that’s just excellent. That is entirely the WRONG shape for a mouth it’s TOO BIG that thing is gonna HOWL SO LOUD.

#1: Great Father

♥ I mean, of course it’s this one, the one anon was hinting at. Is it the most monstruous? Perhaps not. But like….. look, it’s a dude who has dads in leather bondage outfits for arms and legs. It’s entirely absurd. Look at the way those leg dads are lolled out. How is this thing standing up, they are clearly not in a position to hold weight. It’s like a reverse uncanny valley where you humaned so hard you looped back around the entirely inhuman because this is just…. I don’t have the words, how the FUCK did Kaneko even come up with this fucking homoerotic eldritch Voltron? What was Nyarlhotep planning to accomplish by doing this. I have no answers, only sheer delight that this design was crafted and then actually allowed to be put in a video game. Designs like this is why Persona has no fucking business being too cowardly to let you get gay. It’s like Persona 3 made Persona super popular and Atlus was suddenly like “OH NO PEOPLE ARE PAYING ATTENTION NOW, QUICK, HIDE ALL THE GAY. WHAT’S THAT YOU’VE GOT THERE, KEN? A YOSUKE ROMANCE ROUTE? NO, NO, PUT THAT AWAY.” Anyway.

RATINGS:MONSTRUOUSNESS: 10/10I mean, just by sheer quantity between all of these, though I’d give Great Father alone this rating. I’ve never been able to really get into Persona/SMT but I have a deep respect for Kaneko’s design work.

FUCKABILITY: 1/10I don’t even know how to approach fucking any of these besides the last one but even then there’s some consent issues with the dad limbs and also just like logistical problems. But it gets one point just for being very horny.

PERSONAL RATING: 9/10Points only subtracted for the Lovecraft connection because I hate that dead racist coward and how the pretentious neckbeards who love his work have made tentacles such a Big Thing when they are just not that interesting. But overall this is just… Just a lot of great design work.

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Hey I have no idea on how far u are on the jp server of FGO but can u do Antonio Salieri? He looks drastically different in all 3 of his ascension so idk which one you'll rate lol

ANTONIO SALIERI (Fate/Grand Order)

His second asc isn’t relevant to this blog so obviously I’m gonna talk about the first and third. Mostly third. (You can see how old this ask is because at the time Salieri was new, I am so sorry. And for the record I am always Current on JP FGO)

INTRODUCTION: Antonio Salieri was a composer and contemporary of Mozart. While in life they were friends, rumors of Salieri being jealous of Mozart and having caused his death by poisoning have tainted his legacy and  caused him to be summoned into the Avenger class with a compulsive need to kill the man he calls his friend.

PROS:♥ I am always down for any design that completely lacks a face, and this Persona-ass motherfucker sure doesn’t have one. At least until he turns into just a tired man in a suit for a minute (2nd ascension) before going on to have nothing but a grim mouth full of jagged teeth.♥ Half his voice lines are Regular Man and the other half are a manic lunatic screaming about murder because Salieri is a heroic spirit in constant conflict with himself and I think that is very sexy of him.♥ I literally can’t stress enough how much I lost my mind when I saw this lunatic murder fools by playing a shadowy air piano, so please just witness it.

♥ But here’s the real reason he’s on this blog. Look at that MOUTH. He already sorta had claws in asc 1 but LOOK AT THOSE, THOSE ARE SO IMPRACTICALLY LARGE THEY ARE PERFECT.♥ The hidden charm point of this design is that at its base it’s fairly humanoid besides the whole head area… (which like… making the neck all weird and thick like that to make it impossible or at least unlikely that the weird teeth face is just a mask… excellent move, PFalz) The claws are clearly attached. The Legs are buckwild and have the aesthetic of digitigrade legs while actually being especially crazy boots… the dramatic sillouette of the wing cape and cloat tails… It doesn’t scan at all like Just A Guy. And normally not actually being monstruous would be a demerit but given that this entire state of being crazy and murderous was basically foisted upon him by the collective consciousness I actually love it. Dressed up like the monster he actually isn’t. ♥ I cannot stress enough how excellent those stupid impossible boots are.♥ While he’s generally humanoid, he is, in these forms, abnormally tall and thin, which is decent on its own, but the sheer scale of the third asc means he does also get Big Points just for taking up a lot of screen space.

CONS:♥ I do love the third asc a lot but it is admittedly incredibly hard to parse because it’s incredibly busy and while I think it’s cohesively so, it did strike me at first blush as being Too Much.♥ Why does he go from being Someone’s Persona to Regular Man BACK to faceless monstrosity this seems entirely out of order.♥ As someone who has rolled for two limited 3*s, Limited/Story Locked 3*s are bad civilization and I need FGO to stop making these fools so fucking choice because their utility is minimal but I Have To Have them, but also Don’t have Salieri. This isn’t really relevant to the content of this blog but I’m mad about it.♥ I can buy into the monster aspects being artifice because of Lore Reasons but then I can’t exactly explain why he has a horrormouth head. Like I’m not complaining but what’s the idea here. Am I giving too much credit with my meta about the fake monster attributes? Who can say.

RATINGS:MONSTRUOUSNESS: 3/10He’s not especially monstruous when it comes down to it, just a very excellent design concept in both visuals and characterization.

FUCKABILITY: 5/10There’s something fairly sexless about the faceless persona design, Big Pointy Monster is always my jam, but it lacks the inherent horniness that something like Cu Alter’s tits out look generates. Meanwhile tired old man Salieri is highly fuckable if you’re into that sort of thing like me, but since he’s not part of the monster stuff I can’t give him full points.

PERSONAL RATING: 7.5/10I just think he’s neat.

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Dusts off this blog because I happened to check my inbox and saw people have still been sending in requests. I can’t promise to be particular regular but I will TRY. Hello.

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ARLONG THE SAW (One Piece)

So I’m sorry for the unannounced absence but I think I gotta just post whenever the mood hits me from now on. After all, the point of the blog is passion for monsters, I can’t do it out of obligation. ANYWAY.

INTRODUCTION: Arlong is a sawshark fishman, and the captain of the Arlong Pirates.

PROS: ♥ First things first, I wanna bring up the panel that reignited my monsterfucker fire, in which we see how fucking BIG this lunatic is. I was just minding my own business, rereading One Piece, when this panel came along and my lizard brain was like “bIG MONSTER.” As I’ve said many times before, I am always 100% behind some sort of monster man being huge for no reason, and Eiichiro Oda is the KING of making characters huge for no reason. (For the unfamiliar: theres 10ft tall dudes running around all over and it’s never commented on.) Fishmen on the whole are bigger than humans, but with a few exceptions, don’t tend to be based on fish LARGER than humans (Sawsharks tend to be about 4-5 feet). So why are they so big? FOR THE AESTHETIC, YOU FOOLS. ♥ Of course, the teeth. They’re wonderful. While Arlong is far from the only shark-based fishman to sport such lovely pointy chompers, he’s the only one who really fucking COMMITS to having them. He’s not fucking “above just straight up biting fools. This is a man who wears a Hawaiian shirt with a furry winter hat. Do you think he has shame? He doesn’t know the meaning of the word. Anyway, you may have heard of how sharks can afford to lose teeth bc they will always regrow them. Obviously in the real world this takes time, but this is fantasy pirate world, so Arlong’s regrow immediately, and our man here isn’t gonna squander this fact.

♥ “HOLD ON A SEC, LET ME JUST RIP MY OWN TEETH OUT SO THAT I CAN BITE YOU WITH MY HANDS” He even boasts that his teeth regrow stronger each time and this is AFTER he literally bites through a stone column. “How are they all connected after he tears them out, that’s absolutely not how teeth work,” you ask. Listen Stephen, this is One Piece, a manga about pirates who can’t fucking swim.  One of the main characters is a skeleton with an afro who is also a rock star. Don’t fucking worry about it. ♥ Let me just double back and talk about fishmen in general for a second. Obviously, with One Piece taking place in a world full of ocean, you have to have some fish people. And yeah, there’s mermaids, and Oda could have just done that. But NO he decided that there’s also these huge dudes (and I say dudes bc there really aren’t any prominent female fishpeople, though there are male merfolk) who are just like sort of fishlike and huge and BUFF. Mermaids are honestly not that exciting to me in concept since usually they’re just regular ass people with bland generic fish bottoms. I don’t like a sharp delineation, but more than that, I want more than just the vague concept of MAN + FISH, and the fishmen designs tend to deliver that more overtly than merfolk. ♥ Which brings me to my next point, Arlong’s charm point, the NOSE. All fishmen are based on a specific type of fish, and Arlong here’s a sawshark, known for their distinctive snouts that legit look like fucking chainsaws. So really, Arlong’s nose is underselling it, if anything. He’s also got a nice shark fin on the back of his neck too, in case you forget this man is basically anime pirate Jaws. ♥ You can also see Arlong showing off a fishman’s characteristic webbed hands. With these and the gills they have (usually in the shoulder/neck area as seen here), fishmen REALLY excel underwater. Though even ON LAND an average fishman is stronger than an average human, they have even more of a leg up in the water. Anyway, here’s a classic moment of Luffy’s stellar intelligence in the midst of a fight.

CONS: ♥ I mean the major downside here is that unlike perfect, wonderful blueberry dad Jinbe, Arlong is a bad mean shark man who decided to respond to racism with MORE racism which is never a good plan especially when the people you’re subjugating aren’t even the people who were racist in the first place? Anyway Arlong is an early series antagonist and thus exists mainly to be The Worst and get punched in the face by Luffy. ♥ Honestly, Arlong is mostly humanoid, so I’m legally obligated to say “COULD BE MORE MONSTERY” but given that he’s some sort of fish/human hybrid creature, I don’t really know how it’d be better per se. I guess some extraneous fins? Maybe another, bigger fin on his back? You might say “claws,” which I am generally all for, but sharks don’t have claws so I’m actually just fine with them not being present here. Really the best improvement that could be done would be to just remove the neck/delineation of head and chest (and thus removing that heinous Jay Leno chin) which would allow him to have a bigger shark mouth. But at that point you’ve basically just got mean Jinbe, and Arlong’s hateful Jay Leno chin honestly suits him. ♥ I’m again legally oblicated to bring up that like many One Piece characters, Arlong has a “signature laugh,” a shonen manga trope I absolutely hate because 90% of them aren’t a sound anyone makes when they laugh. Arlong’s is “shahahaha,” and it’s honestly one of the more tolerable ones, because I can just imagine it resulting from some weird toothy lisp, but I hate these laughs in general and he doesn’t NEED to do this. Also 4kids translated one of his attacks; “Shark on Darts as “Shark and Awe” and I’m furious that they came up with an actual good idea. ♥ I know this isn’t part of the monster design explicitly, but I really just hate Arlong’s hat so much. The ugly shirt is fine, the dress code of One Piece on the whole is vaguely tropical and hawaiian shirts are always fine, but why is he wearing a FURRY WINTER HAT? It doesn’t make sense. When you make a stupid bowler hat look like the BETTER option, you’ve chosen a bad hat.

RATINGS: MONSTRUOUSNESS: 6.5/10 He’s still pretty humanoid, but like, as far as the concept of a “shark man,” which I am very much about, goes, Arlong’s a nice execution of it. People LOVE to put the gills on the chest in fish dude designs, so I really wanna point out that this is where they hecking SHOULD be, logically.

FUCKABILITY: 5.5/10 While I appreciate the big muscleman body, like, a whole lot, Arlong doesn’t have enough of a nuanced personality as a villain to make up for his ridiculous chin and terrible fashion sense. A bad man with a bad hat.

PERSONAL RATING: 7/10 I appreciate that Arlong isn’t just a feral monster man, but actually very cunning in his dickery. As the first major fishman character, if he had been stupid, it’d make the running issue of human/fishman racial tension less immediately grabbing. Anyway, if you ask me, Arlong is the most memorable East Blue antagonist, even if in the grand scheme of One Piece antagonists, he’s pretty one note. A solid B- shark man.

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FAST FIVE: Tales of Vesperia

So obviously I’ve dropped the ball the past few days, and I’m picking it up doing a completely different sort post. In the future, I’ll probably continue to play around with the format and doing different things to keep my motivation up.

ANYWAY, to celebrate the VERY IMPORTANT E3 ANNOUNCEMENT about one of my favorite video games of all time, I’m going to spotlight 5 monster designs that wouldn’t really merit a full review, in what I’m gonna call FAST FIVE. Please note: These aren’t intended to be a top five or anything, just five I thought of and felt like talking about.

HERMIT DRILL Speaking of E3, here’s this giant enemy crab. As one of the better Giganto Monster designs, Hermit Drill is constructed entirely of weird shapes and spikes. I like how his individual limbs seem to have shields on him, because it’s a very nice concept for a crab monster. The beady yellow eyes are also a nice touch, as well as the rest of this boy’s minty fresh color palette. I also like how he’s some sort of cave dwelling crustacean. Charm point: the giant upside-down thumb claws. 7/10

MEDUSA BUTTERFLY I don’t remember if this Giganto monster petrified you, but I respect how she looks absolutely nothing like a butterfly. Between the GINORMOUS nose, the giant claws, and arm protrusions that seem to exist solely to provide more surface areas for spikes, this bug monster really is just comprised entirely of spikes, and I respect that. I just.... the absolute absurd size of the nose is just amazing. Look at the NOSE! Though I don’t think it’s exactly conducive to desert camouflage like the rest of her colors, I love the bright red accents. Charm point: The very bizarrely mammalian digitigrade back legs. 8/10

SAD SUMMONED SKULL? I found this in my screenshots folder which is mostly stuff from the PS3 version so I have no idea who this friend is supposed to be but he looks like Summoned Skull’s sad brother and I absolutely love the entire extra face in his chest, complete with glowing eyes. The way that the face is placed so that his brows seem to be his pecs is honestly a masterstroke of chest-face design. Charm point: Mystery identity. 6/10

SOME SORT OF LIZARD DOG This is a random enemy, I just really like him and his whole look. The random back spikes... the craggy lizard mouth and beard... the long patterned tail. I want to pet him and feet him treats, and given that the horses in Vesperia are also weird monsters, it’s not entirely out of the question. (I wanted to bring up the monster horses anyway bc I love that dogs exist in Terca Lumireis but horses don’t and they have weird not-horses instead) Charm point: Teeny tiny feet. 6.5/10

GUSIOS (DREADED GIANT) Gusios is probably my personal favorite monster design from this game. (It’s either him or Belius who deserves an actual proper review.) There’s just a lot of good shit here. The insanely skewed proportions of his gigantic pillarlike forearms to his tiny short back legs informing his posture? Nice. I really like how he seems to be wearing gauntlets but no thats actually just his arms. Then we’ve got the wacky back.... antennae? Made of spikes? I’ve no clue what they are but they’re great. Then his tiny beaky face wreathed in a mane of spikes, look at him. Look at his turtle face. He’s then got those nice red tummy spikes continuing the mane. My only regret is that I don’t have a gif because his idle pose has him do this little twitchy shake like a dog getting dry, and it’s very cute. Charm point: Bioluminescence. 9/10

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Can you do Tooru from Kobayashi-san Chi no Maid Dragon?

TOORU (Kobayashi-san Chi no Maid Dragon)

I knew it was only a matter of time before someone made me do this or Monster Musume. Though, of the three main dragons in this show, Tooru is definitely the one I have the least amount of issues with, so lets fucking go.

INTRODUCTION: This monster is a dragon who agreed to be Kobayashi’s live-in maid in exchange for saving her from fucking whatever. The relationship between the two is either great lesbian representation or lesbian fetishizing/baiting for male gaze depending on who you ask. I haven’t seen the show so I can’t weigh in.

PROS:♥ If nothing else, I have to give them credit for just... a truly meaty tail. I’d like it better if it was longer, but that they even gave an anime girl a tail with that much mass, I should be grateful.♥ I’ll also give them credit for doing something different with the horns, though it’s not really my cup of tea particularly. Anyway;

♥ In her proper dragon form, she is a BIG LADY which is honestly the most positive thought I have on this review. They didn’t HAVE to make this dragon waifu particularly large, but they did and for that I will respect the design choices.♥ And she’s got some nice big teeth here, her maid form has I think some little fangs, but they’re so small I barely even consider them, there are just regular anime girls with bigger snaggleteeth. These big dragon teeth are good though.

CONS:♥ Why the fuCK are Tooru’s wings an entirely different color than her scales, and WHY are they so small? They look like some cheap plastic vampire costume wings or something, they’re disgraceful. I won’t even go find a picture that displays them properly because they disgust me.♥ I am not against the concept of big titties (See: my Gorgon review) but I AM against the concept of big titties put on otherwise petite frames, as we see here. It’s details like that which make me lend more credence to the “male gaze lesbian fetish” side of the argument, but I digress.♥ When it comes down to it, the whole point of “monsterfucker” being a radical thing is that there’s something transgressive about it. It’s people having crushes on things that are outside or bordering on the fringe of what’s “acceptable,” in a safe harmless way because they’re fictional people and not actual serial killers. But there’s nothing transgressive about wanting to fuck an anime girl that someone slapped some halloween props on, people have been horny for catgirls for decades. If Tooru had some bigger teeth, or scales on her body, or wasn’t dressed up in a damn fetish costume, maybe I wouldn’t dismiss this as uninteresting waifu nonsense, but here we are.

RATINGS:MONSTRUOUSNESS: 2/10It’s an anime girl with some horns and a tail/a very boring and shoddy dragon design. There’s nothing exciting or original about it, and while the dragon form does make her pretty monstery, the quality of it is so low.

FUCKABILITY: 7/10I have absolutely zero interest in it, but as far as I can tell, she’s designed for this purpose, just for a demographic I’m not personally in.

PERSONAL RATING: 4/10I feel bad every time I give a request a poor rating, but if you’re mad, I’ll point out that I do advertise this blog as incredibly subjective.

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FORGE (Paranatural)

Because today is my DAY OF BIRTH I’m doing a BONUS review on a monster of my choice. Note: I am not fishing for well wishes nor do I desire them, as turning 26 is more dread inducing than exciting. Instead, you may send personal questions, because like most people I love talking about my own thoughts and opinions. Anyway, lets talk about an obscure webcomic character.

INTRODUCTION: This monster is a spirit with the ability to generate heat. In Paranatural, certain people are able to perceive ghost and spirits (distinguished by ghosts having once been alive and spirits having not.)

PROS: ♥ As I often do, lets start from the top. If you haven’t guessed from the name, ability, and general aesthetic, Forge is Blacksmithing themed. His head is a fucking ANVIL. This is a comedy webcomic and this fool’s out there looking like he just escaped from Dark Souls. Not only is his head an anvil, but it has a series of beady, glowing eyes, because when your head is an anvil helmet why restrict yourself to just two eyes like a fucking normie. ♥ My favorite part about the furnace door on his chest is either the fact that it implies Forge might just be a being of mostly pure heat contained within a suit of armor, or the fact that it never actually becomes relevant that there’s literally a door on this dudes chest. ♥ Between the very geometric head and the blacksmith apron, Forge kinda feels like Pyramid Head’s brother who instead of wandering around a foggy town murdering things, actually got a job and did something with his life. A Pyramid Head with Skills. A Pyramid Head with Ambition. ♥ It’s been a while, I think, since we’ve had a good clawed gauntlet. While you might point out rightly that Forge clearly has round fingers and the claws are his armor and thus not a monster part, shut up for a second because I’ll explain why it counts later. His feet are also clawed, and in fact have a nice back claw too, as you can see here;

♥ ALSO seen here is how Forge’s heat powers fold into his theme, You can see the remnants of some poor traffic signpost that he used to Do What He Does, which is heat up metal in order to reforge it into whatever he needs. While Forge usually generates the heat he needs with his hands (which, since they are also metal, get that cool red hot metal effect, very Aesthetic), he can also....

♥ BREATHE FIRE, BITCHES. AND ALSO, OH, YOU BET YOUR BUTT I INTENTIONALLY WAITED TO TALK ABOUT FORGES MOUTH FULL OF POINTY TEETH. I also really love how Zack illustrated the heat distortion generated by the obviously high heat erupting from Forges flaming mouth. ♥ Like, as much as I do like the idea of Forge being a creature of pure heat given form by his armor, the juxtaposition of the very inorganic anvil head with the mouth is very excellent, and on top of that, the anvil shape gives Forge’s mouth an almost shark-like aesthetic. I guess you could say dragon, what with the breathing fire, but dragons breathing fire isn’t nearly as exciting. ♥ Despite being morally ambiguous at best and lawful evil at worst, Forge is not down for harming children and I think that’s pretty cool of him, especially since his entire character slant seems to be “evil moral pragmatism.” I wasn’t expecting to enjoy Forge beyond the aesthetic level of fire breathing armor monster, but like every major threat in this wonderful webcomic, you have to wonder if he’s purely bad or not. ♥ Finally, circling back around to what I said about the claws, I put this at the end because here on out the rest of the pros section is SPOILERS FOR PARANATURAL so if you are in the process or reading please skip to the cons section. SO, once Forge is defeated, we see that he really was inside the armor the entire time, as the armor doesn’t dissapear with him, HOWEVER, you can see headshape, teeth, AND claws in his wisp form, and in fact later on we DO get a glimpse of what he likely looks under his armor which is fucking rad honestly. APPARENTLY Forge is a being of heat and orGANS encased in a black exoskeleton, and the armor is vaguely a part of him since the half that was destroyed is still there. He may have only four eyes here but he’s still kicking rad in a distinct but equally valid way. 

CONS: ♥ What Would Happen If I Opened The Chest Door, Though. I desperately need to know. ♥ Plot events indicate that Forge Will Be Appearing again, but probably not for a long while so basically I’m being blueballed and I don’t appreciate that. I honestly can’t think of many cons here because I just really like this design a lot, it’s my favorite among a slew of incredibly cool monster designs, as this comic has a lot of them, including an origami spider that eats books and easily the most interesting Lucifer interpretation I’ve ever seen.

RATINGS: MONSTRUOUSNESS: 7.5/10 Forge is on the more humanoid side of things, but given that he’s got a very solid Theme established, I can’t really ask him to be more monstruous because then he wouldn’t be able to blacksmith. Maybe an extra pair of arms might be good? At the same time, I think the fact that Forge is human shaped makes him more effective. It’s a juxtaposition thing; when taken piece by piece, especially considering what lies under the armor, he’s so remarkably inhuman. The shape and armor disguises and humanizes (to some extent) something that is very much not human. And that really ties in with what makes spirits in Paranatural so dangerous in the first place.

FUCKABILITY: 3/10 While many of my personal favorite monsters are ones I am also supremely horny for (I.E. Cu Chulainn Alter), Forge is one who I am incredibly excited about purely for character design reasons. I truly don’t know if you can fuck spirits, I’m pretty sure Forge’s internal bits are pure heat, though, so even if you could manage a way to fuck this, you’d probably suffer like, 5th degree burns. That said he’s at least shaped like a premium muscular hunk, so I have to give him a few points for that.

PERSONAL RATING: 9/10 I’m very into everything Forge is and promises to be in this story. Fire is such a common power theme for characters even beyond monsters, but it’s done in such a cool way here.

[monsterrates]

Riful of the West, Claymore?

RIFUL OF THE WEST (Claymore)

As a warning my only hands-on experience with Claymore was a screening of the dub at Anime Boston where the entire audience turned on it because the dub was Not Good. It was a lot of fun but makes it hard for me to take Claymore seriously, and nothing I’ve learned about it since then has helped my opinion.

INTRODUCTION: This monster is one of the most powerful awakened demon Claymores. Claymores are girls injected with demon blood in order to fight demons, but many of them eventually end up “awakening” and becoming those demons, like Riful.

PROS:♥ I appreciate how Riful’s fully demonic form is like, made of tentacles, but they resemble flat sheets more than traditional tentacles. It’s carried through visually with her long flat strands of hair. Also differentiating it from a more traditional tentacle type aesthetic is how they seem to have structure, particularly here, where they seem woven together like some sort of hell basket.♥ She does still have a face here, but it’s been rendered pretty nondescript and unimportant visually between the coloring and the fact that her lower half of ENORMOUS MASS OF STRANDS makes her face very zoomed out in a lot of pictures and it may as well not be there. Half a point for vague face lacking.♥ Also yes, points for being BIG esp since it’s not a proportional bigness. As far as I can tell, the humanoid part of her body is still normal size.♥ Back to the tentacles, they also really evoke this feeling of having unwraveled (in line with the feeling that a Claymore “awakening” is a fall from grace and control), especially when they get a little less structured when Riful uses them to attack, or when she uses them when not fully transformed...

♥ Honestly? This is cooler than the fully transmogrified version. Fucking LOOK at that, LOOK at that GNARLED MASS OF HORRORFLESH. Here the strands are much less uniform looking, and the way they spread off of her shoulder make them look more like unwraveled muscle fibers than anything else. Again, the insane scale is also VERY good because that entire mass looks as big as the rest of Riful’s body.

CONS:♥ Why’s she got her titties out in her monster form, though. She doesn’t need titties there. The flat tentacles just HAPPEN to start unwraveling right under her boobs? You don’t need to tell me that Claymore’s author is male because I can tell just from looking at this.♥ I can’t even use the coolest picture I found in this review because it’s technically not Riful but her daughter or whatever but she has similar powers, so Riful could MAYBE have done this? Anyway.♥ I just have like a general bad feeling con about Claymore in general because honestly I don’t trust the intentions of a story about a bunch of beautiful hourglass shaped blond girls running around following the orders of an unseen authority and turning into monsters if they don’t behave properly. Also: Don’t send me asks about how Claymore is actually super feminist or whatever because I truly do not care.

RATINGS:MONSTRUOUSNESS: 7/10There’s some truly excellently gruesome stuff going on here, and while she’s still pretty humanoid, titties and all, I do get the feeling of some actual narrative concept in the design. While this is probably just a coincidence as the other Awakened Claymore designs I’m familiar with are just titty ladies with spikes on ‘em, I’ll give Riful credit anyway.

FUCKABILITY: 3.5/10I guess Riful is pretty enough, but while I’m sure she’s technically an adult, she looks young to me, and I’m not about that. Plus the more monstery form doesn’t have a solid lower half, which is fine with me but doesn’t help this rating.

PERSONAL RATING: 5/10For having my general opinion of her source material working against her, Riful is... pretty alright?

[monsterrates]

DAMIEN LAVEY (Monster Prom)

You can tell this game was made by a western studio because they let Damien have nipples. Anyway, this spicy boy was requested by my dearest Malpal. Which is convenient because Damien is DEFINITELY my personal favorite of the romance options.

INTRODUCTION: Damien is the Prince of Hell and  one of the monsters you can ask to fucking prom.

PROS: ♥ I feel like, while a devil is definitely Done all the time, it’s so often done by cowards who just stick horns and a forked tail on an otherwise normal person. Of course, Damien has those, and they’re perfectly good on their own, especially because forehead horns are superior to ones on the top or side of the head. ♥ Also, despite being one of the rowdiest boys I’ve ever seen, his broken horn was not from a fight, but from him INTENTIONALLY breaking it off purely in an act of teenage rebellion to tick off his dads??? I feel like this fact is a crystallization of the general feeling of Monster Prom and I love it a lot. ♥ Odd skin color is still a pretty c-list monster feature, but I do love bright red, and it’s significantly more prominent than Vera’s pale green. It’s a classic devil look, but it’s good. As on the color front, the fact that his blood is apparently green??? The implications of unusual blood colors shouldn’t be forgotten about, and it’s a fun little extra detail. ♥ Y’all know I do love me some extremely pointy ears, and Damiens are very good. Also on the face area we have his lovely yellow eyes, which like Vera’s just get so....

♥ On top of that, lOOK AT THE FUCKING TEETH!!!! THose are some GRADE A MURDER CHOMPERS. Damien, you fucking idiot, you beautiful fool, what do you need knives for when you have a bunch of them permanently attached to your fucking skull.

CONS: ♥ The motion blur effect on his arm in the top CG just makes me realize how just some simple elbow/shoulder spurs wouth have instantly enhanced his design. “How would he wear shirts,” obviously he could only wear sleeveless tops, that sounds like a win win to me. He’s always setting things on fire it’s not like he’d be cold. ♥ Like, I felt like the whole arson aspect of his personality was overplayed anyway, this way he’d have a fucking excuse. I love Damien but his character does feel played too close to the “archetype” in an uninteresting way at times. I’d like his softer “wants to be a hairstylist and sends people poetry to people over tinder” played up more. ♥ This boy is fixated on body mods and he wasn’t given a single piercing? What sort of miscarriage of justice is this? He has all that extra free real estate on his ears for piercings, how was this allowed to happen.

RATINGS: MONSTRUOUSNESS: 6/10 Like Vera, a well executed example of a fairly standard monster type, but Damien gets bonus points for Very Good Teeth.

FUCKABILITY: 8.5/10 The game literally tells you it would be so good that it’d be worth breaking some ribs, as long as you fucking clock him beforehand. Given that he’s kind of a shit, that seems like something you’d want to do anyway even if you love him.

PERSONAL RATING: 8/10 Honestly I’m so weak to joths lately, and Damien is no exception.

[monsterrates]

RAVANA (Final Fantasy XIV)

My big brother Gaa, known lover of bugs, asked for this one and it’s obvious why. Look at this HUGE Bugman.

INTRDUCTION: Ravana is a primal, which I guess is some sort of boss monster, and the hero of the Gnath (bug people), summoned to fight for them or something?

PROS: ♥ FOUR. ARMS! Y’all know I love me an extra pair of arms, and like, it makes perfect sense for a bug man to have six limbs. Most importantly he’s made full use of them by QUADRUPLE WIELDING, which may not be realistically practical, but god it sure is fucking cool. ♥ So are we gonna give him armor or just make him have a craggy carapace all over? “YES.” Seriously, FF has the exact type of wacky armor aesthetic for this to make complete sense. I guess this technically means Ravana is runing around naked seeing as the rest of the Gnath do seem to wear clothes but... I mean, that’s not exactly a bad thing is it. ♥ Check out those FEET! Lots of beetles kind of have two little toes, and here we’ve ascended that concept to have what looks like two entire clawed feet on each leg as well as some extra stuff on the back there. This boy is STURDY he’s standing on fucking TRIPODS. If it was human feet it would be gross and weird, but because they’re chitinous bug claws they’re beautiful. ♥ SPIKES! God this boys just COVERED in spikey bits. There’s those nice big shoulder horns, the bits at his waist that look simultaneously like oversized faulds and beetle wing casings. Just various spikes from the various plates in his bug armor... Maybe not good to hug, but the determined will find a way. ♥ God.... Those fucking antennae horns. ANTENNAE HORNS! So majestic, each and every segment pointy and dangerous.

♥ Not only did they avoid giving him unsettling bug eyes, but the eyes they did give him are delightfully unusual and sleek. I also can’t tell if he has any sort of nose or mouth, which is always fun. Really, his face resembles a suit of armors helmet lit from the inside. Very on theme, VERY cool. ♥ They made a bug man named after a villain from hindu mythology, but DIDN’T make him some sort of buzzing berserker, instead having him talk like THAT and agree to honorable duel rules.... BUG KNIGHT BUG KNIGHT BUG KNIGHT THEY REALLY FUCKING DID THAT.

CONS: ♥ In the Ramayana Ravana is said to have 10 heads and 20 arms, so while this one is still doing better than Smite which is actually supposedly supposed to represent the guy rather than just be a namesake (cowards), he could have so much MORE. And don’t try to tell me that would make the design too busy because this is FF and anyway Gilgamesh has eight fucking arms, a different weapon in each hand. ♥ Bug wings are honestly cooler than like devil or angel wings, mainly due to not being overused to shit, but I refuse to believe those could be used to fly, Ravana is so much BIGGER than they are... I would like MORE wing, please.

RATINGS: MONSTRUOUSNESS: 8.5/10 For being pretty humanoid in form, Ravana really manages to do some nice fucking work in the monster department. Bug. Knight.

FUCKABILITY: 4/10 Ravana is pretty hecking beefy, honestly, but looking more like the suit of armor than the dude inhabiting it doesn’t exactly fill me with horniness. I would trust him to rescue me from danger and sweep me off my feet, though.

PERSONAL RATING: 7/10 I think Ravana is a pretty cool dude, one of the best bug monsters I’ve ever laid eyes upon.

[monsterrates]

I've got to request Vera Oberlin from Monster Prom.

VERA OBERLIN (Monster Prom)

I just got this game because I’ve now gotten two character requests from it and GOD I do enjoy it quite a lot. The best monster design is obviously Oz but we can talk about all the other ones as well, for fucking sure.

INTRODUCTION: Vera Oberlin is a gorgon and student you can ask to Monster Prom. It’s all pretty straightforward.

PROS:♥ I think I mentioned before how I’m usually not super into snake hair as an aesthetic, but this? This is the correct way to do it. It’s got the nice aesthetic of actual hair, unlike many lazy gorgon designs, but still has the snakes get a life of their own towards the ends. Not only does it make more sense than them just flying about every which way, it looks much nicer.♥ Besides the hair, there’s a lot of nice subtle snakey details. Of course her skin itself is green, but also note how her nose is very flat with snakelike nostrils, and then when she gets mad she hisses are her eyes go all;

YEAH! That’s a SNAKE LADY FOR SURE, RIGHT THERE.♥ I really appreciate how Vera’s character really has nothing to do with her being a gorgon. You could have easily made her the “man-eater” type, but no. She will destroy you regardless, with business.

CONS:♥ I mean this is gonna have to be said on every Monster Prom review I do, for the most part. They’re all still pretty tame, standard monster designs. Not that I necessarily want different for the particular mood this game has, but for this blog, it’s definitely a con.

RATINGS:MONSTRUOUSNESS: 5/10There just is not a whole lot to say here, either pro or con. It’s a very serviceable design for a gorgon character, but that’s really all it is. Maybe if she had more scales on her body it would be better. Just making the skin a different color isn’t actually that interesting.

FUCKABILITY: 7.5/10Vera is gorgeous, and the devs of Monster Prom kindly made all the characters over 18 and if you question why they’re in HS the game actually basically is like “Who cares? You looking to romance a minor? Fuck you.” which I am entirely behind. Anyway I don’t know that Vera’s snakes aren’t poisonous or that she wouldn’t take all my money afterwards, so I can’t fully recommend this. Still. Beautiful.

PERSONAL RATING: 6/10Vera is far from my favorite monster in this game, but she’s STILL quite good and I support her.

[monsterrates]

How about Eddie and Zato (shadow demon thing and host) from Guilty Gear series?

EDDIE & ZATO-1 (Guilty Gear)

I’ve never played a single Guilty Gear game, but I’ve always loved the very distinct style and aesthetic of the character designs, and this is probably one of my favorites, and investigation only made me more in love, so buckle up.

INTRODUCTION: This monster is comprised of two parts; Zato-1, who gave up his eyesight for the ability to control a shadowy “forbidden beast,” and Eddie the aformentioned beast. No I’m not shitting you, the human man is the one with the wacky made up name, not the monster.

PROS:♥ I’m just gonna get this out of the way, there’s always this vague air of homoeroticism with how Eddie & Zato-1 are posed in their official art, probably helped by the fact that all Zato seems to wear is a skintight black bodysuit aand belts. Now, the way Zato is often lovingly cradled by Eddie in art might also have to do with the fact that through a significant chunk of Guilty Gear lore, Zato is a corpse that Eddie is basically using as a tethering device, but that’s clearly not the case in the above art which still has a powerful leather daddy aesthetic. I can’t not be 100% behind two muscular humanoids sharing personal space.♥ Let me reiterate, part of the GG storyline, this is a shadow monster puppeteering a corpse. This is a POWERFUL monster aesthetic, especially when the limp nature of the corpse is on full display. This and the fact that Eddie’s personality and memories are apparently formed from Zato’s own is why they both get to be the monster for this review, rather than just Eddie. Where Zato ends and Eddie begins is unclear, which again, I love it, what an EXCELLENT aesthetic. “This is starting to sound a lot like Venom, Eddie is even the name of Venom’s favorite host,” you say. You fool, you lout. Venom is Zato’s boyfriend.♥ Now in my research Eddie revealed that hes actually the best fucking monster design on this blog, but lets just look at the standard design first. He’s a big shadowy muscleman with a pleasingly geometric head filled with big sharp teeith and an ominous red glow. It looks like his head is entirely hollow with just holds for an eyes an mouth, which like, nice.♥ In the spikes department, he’s got pretty ok elbow spikes and some standard issue claws on his hands and feet. He also typically has some standard issue batlike wings, though in this art he’s rocking some sweet back spikes instead. Despite a pretty unique head design, Eddie Classic (tm) isn’t much to write home about.

♥ BUT THIS ISN’T JUST SOME DEMON. THIS IS A SHADOW MONSTER, HE’S POLYMORPHIC, BONCHES. Here I’ve assembled some of his best looks. Lets examine them.♥ There’s some great sprite animations of Eddie shapeshifting his body into not one but TWO different giant swords, as well as ERUPTING OUT OF THE GROUND AS A SHARK ONLY TO EMERGE FROM THE SHARK MOUTH THAT JUST TURNS INTO HIS WINGS. Speaking of emerging from his own mouth, that big cow skull resulted from Eddie pULLING AWAY THE SKIN FROM HIS GOD DAMN FACE. FUCK!!!! EDDIE!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!♥ And of course we’ve got a variety of big chattering monster mouths and one VERY BIG clawed arm. For limbs we also have Zato’s foot turing into some sort of Soul Edge-esque scythe, using his own colors instead of Eddies, against showing they are basically one entity.♥ Lets of course not forget the shambling monstrosity of pustules and wisps in the corner, complete with four beady red eyes and vicious fangs. My personal favorite though is the one where the wings have become a host of sickle-like protrusions and he’s grown a SECOND TOOTHY MOUTH on his torso. What really puts it over the top it is how the chest mouth has matching nipple eyes.

CONS:♥ My only complaint is that the true monstruous potential of Eddie is hidden behind a pretty plain base form. Also the fact that there isn’t more nonsense like pulling a huge cow skull out of a normal sized head. I can only assume the same person who designed Eddie did Arakune because they put so many more Foreign Objects in that mass of shadows.♥ I can only assume Guilty Gear is as unassailable both gameplay and story complexity-wise as BlazBlue, which as a fucking casual, I can’t play. Thus I am prevented from experiencing this wonderful monster first hand.♥ Also Zato’s outfit would be instantly markedly hornier on main if it was a halter top like it looks like it should be. And I am always game for horny on main, especially when it means I get exposed shoulder blades.

RATINGS:MONSTRUOUSNESS: 10/10Eddie & Zato almost earn a perfect 10 on pure quantity alone, but while a lot of it is fairly standard, there’s lots of just purely absurd hellcreature, and the symbiotic/corpse puppeteering is a fairly uncommon aesthetic to rock.

FUCKABILITY: 9.5/10They’re both beautiful buff dudes, and there’s nothing to suggest Eddie can’t polymorph himself all sorts of weird sexual aparatuses. I actually regret allowing Goliath to even get a 9.5 because I’m so much hornier for this duo, but they still can’t have a perfect 10 because I’m reserving that for Cu Alter. Just don’t fuck the corpse part when he is in fact a corpse, I guess.

PERSONAL RATING: 9.5/10God I just.... I love this so much. There’s nothing I don’t love about this.

[monsterrates]

I would LOVE a full review of anima

ANIMA (Final Fantasy X)

Of course, I was hoping one of you would ask this. Anima is a summon I was legitimately freaked out/scared by as a young teen when I played FFX, which just proves how effectively unsettling she is.

INTRODUCTION: Anima is an aeon (summon) appearing in FFX, mainly associated with Seymour, a rival summoner/antagonist.

PROS:♥ I mean, there is just…. there’s a lot going on here, I think I’m gonna need an assistant to help me work through all this…

Oh!! Hello!!! YEAH, the main selling point besides the upsetting lore here is the TWO FOR ONE deal, because while you normally just see the main top body, above, Anima’s got this terrible little demon hiding below the surface. If you’re confused here’s the full official art, Anima renders in the game with the bottom friend beneath the ground when summoned, so they’re easy to forget. ♥ Lets start from the top. Both Anima proper and Junior  have some big pointed teeth bookended with curved tusks, Animas looking particularly uncomfortable for her, which is the theme. Anima as a summon represents pain, death, and restraint.♥ Going off on that, lets look at Anima’s big arms, folded tightly across her chest by bindings. Now, as a child I read it like a straight jacket, and Anima as crazy and dangerous. But that’s NOT the position for that, and if you look at them and the shape of her whole body, you’ll realize it’s actually posed like a sarcophagus. If I remember correctly, it was typical to place some sort of nameplate on the mummies chest so they would remember who they were when in the afterlife, and Anima here has an image of her fayth, the woman used to create her. strapped in that place. That fayth being Seymour’s mother who willingly gave herself to be turned into a summon. And now, look at Anima, she has brown skin that’s all wrinkled as if it’s dessicated, her face and arms are wrapped with linen bandages… That’s right fuckers, Anima is a MOMMY MUMMY MONSTER, this digression into design discourse was ALL SO I COULD MAKE THAT PUN.♥ Extra arms are ALWAYS great, even when they’re tiny blue arms holding the chains around your neck. Sorry, did I even, I meant ESPECIALLY. They’re weird as fuck because of their placement and I love them. While we’re on arms, check out Junior’s CRAZY claw gauntlet hands. There’s lot of good arm/hand action going on here.♥ In fact, now that we’ve made clear what Anima is, lets look at Junior. Sporting THREE pairs of horns, once of which is on their chin, all of which have a gross ribbed texture because every uncovered surface on Anima must look dry and unpleasant. 50% of Junior’s face is gaping, toothy mouth, and the other half is dominated by the ominously barely covered eyes. This is a truly unpleasant hellbeast that’s ENTIRELY A BONUS, WHAT THE FUCK!!!♥ Anima’s eyes normally just seem like glowing orbs in a void, but there’s a moment in a cutscene where they are alarmingly human, which only adds to the body horror aspect of Anima being mADE FROM SEYMOURS MOTHER, LETS NOT FORGET THAT. The way Aeons are made in FFX is honestly kind of existentially horrifying, and none of them capture that as well as Anima. Honestly, if my mother went and became a pained hellmonster against my wishes, I’d be pretty fucked up too. Sorry about your life, Seymour.

CONS:♥ Anima has the usual problem in FFX of a color scheme that manages to be bright and muddy all at once. At the same time, Anima is a mummy and SHOULD be brownish, so really it comes down to the overly busy details that may or may not add to the concept like the green markings all over her arms. I can’t help but feel like the Sarcophagus imagery would be more obvious if the lining of her “shell” was a vibrant gold.♥ As much as I LOVE Junior’s general existence, I don’t really get what he’s supposed to mean or represent in the narrative of Anima and her creation. I get why Anima is a suffering mummy creature, I don’t know why her feet turned into a little crowned pointyman.♥ My only other real problem is that I didn’t fully appreciate how amazing Anima’s design was until somewhat recently, because she isn’t pretty or majestic like say, Bahamut. But she’s sure fucking unique and interesting, and like Yuna, I’d like to share in her pain too.

RATINGS:MONSTRUOUSNESS: 10/10Between just the sheer monstruous energy she exudes, and the truly unusual and interestingly executed design concept, Anima deserves all the possible points this category can provide.

FUCKABILITY: 0/10Listen, I don’t care how horny you are, there is just no way to fuck this giant (BECAUSE AS AN AEON SHE IS IN FACT HUGE, I DIDN’T EVEN LIST THIS AS A PRO BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T EVEN NEED THE BONUS POINTS FROM IT) legless lady. Her lower body is literally just a metallic lump that turns into another monster.

PERSONAL RATING: 9/10As I said before, I only wish I appreciated this design when I actually played the game as a young teenager, because it honestly might be one of the best monster designs Final Fantasy has ever come up with.

[monsterrates]

ALSO I want to just blanket thank everyone for their kind words of praise in their requests, I tend to just go right into the reviews without addressing them, but do know that I am truly glad that y’all like the content on this blog.

[monsterrates]

Your blog is honestly fantastic and has really good ratings, I love reading your posts. Can I request for Zazel/Nurarihyon from Yo-Kai Watch?

ZAZEL (Yokai Watch)

Yokai Watch is so fucking weird because it’s like pokemon except your choices range from this anime villain to literally living walls and corn and shit, I just don’t understand the aesthetic this series is trying to capture because the answer seems to be “all of them.” Also apparently there’s a shark Steve Jobs named Steve Jaws.

INTRODUCTION: Zazel is a mean yokai man that tries to take over the yokai world and force all your friends that are yokai to leave the human world so you have to stop him, presumably.

PROS:♥ I mean this fool as pictured above is clearly just an escaped 90s anime villain, the ears are good but he’s just a very pretty man otherwise. Let’s get to the point, here.

♥ THAT’S MORE FUCKING LIKE IT! This fool saw Ursula the Sea Witch and was like “BONCH..... WATCH THIS” and he did the same thing except MORE and with SPIKES! And if you’ve been following this blog you know that the addition of all those spikes makes it MUCH better.♥ God like.... look at this, he’s become more tentacle than man. Really outdid themselves on this one. The hair tentacles and fucking neckmeat tentacles are especially iconic. Even his fingers look longer and more tentacley. Now, I’m honestly not big on tentacles, but between the sheer amount of them and the fact that they’re covered in spikes.... I’m really feeling it.♥ Dark brooding prettyboy anime man is really not my aesthetic so I like how upon becoming this writhing mass his mood seems to have changed to “>:D!” because same, Zazel? While we’re in that area, it does seem like he’s got some pointy teeth, even if they’re generic vampire fangs, points for pointy teeth always.♥ As well as spikes, these tentacles have very visible octopus-like suckers on the undersides. A feature many cowardly tentacle designers just sorta don’t do. These are tentacles with character, this is a FULLY REALIZED THORNY OCTOPUS MAN. Thus I have no choice but to assume the red gem and surrounding clawlike protrusions are supposed to evoke some sort of toothy cephalopod mouth.♥ The color scheme of black, dark purple and teal... A truly clasic and pleasant villainous color scheme. The colors on this are pretty much perfect, except...

CONS:♥ THAT FUCKING BLUE AND PURPLE THING? It’s not a good tentacle and the colors are weirdly different than everything else. Whys it there? Is it there to cover up the fact that the wispy back parts of his hair now look like cum? I an still see some, so it’s not working.♥ I was tempted to just direct link One Winged Angel and not explain but it occurs to me that many people do not have the deep instinctive aversion toward Sephiroth types that I do. Anyway. I can only assume that the more Sephirothy version of Zazel is the more commonly seen and favored form, when the tentacle monster version is clearly superior, which is why this counts as a point against him.♥ I had to google his Japanese name Nurarihyon to get good pictures and I was subjected to this and their gravity defying anime hair gave me heartburn at the sheer nonsense of it between the three of them.

RATINGS:MONSTRUOUSNESS: 7.5/10I’d give him an 8.5 if he got to just be happy as a tentaclebeast the whole time, but no, peoples thirst for Sephiroths has to come ruin the party for everyone as usual.

FUCKABILITY: 6/10I’m still not clear on how yokai work exactly bc a lot of them are way more humanoid than a pokemon, but some that are straight up cats and dogs. Regardless, Zazel here is very pretty, and you know.... tentacles are... a Thing. But given that they’re mostly covered in spikes, their penetrative capability is severely limited. STILL, IT’S WORKABLE.

PERSONAL RATING: 5.5/10Turning a Sephiroth Expy into an Ursula Expy is honestly extremely iconic and I respect it, KH3 has the IP rights to make this happen, but you know those cowards won’t, so it’s good that Yokai Watch has already achieved it.