here's to self discovery
🪼
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Love Begins

#extradirty
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祝日 / Permanent Vacation
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if i look back, i am lost

oozey mess

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macklin celebrini has autism

★
cherry valley forever
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her

JBB: An Artblog!

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❣ Chile in a Photography ❣
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@moodybluesdarkarts
here's to self discovery
Weight is a reoccuring topic for us even though we're like, rationally aware that we are a healthy weight it just doesn't match our inner appearance for most of us. We might have some dysmorphia but it balances out.
we agree on one thing at least.
-b
Well I can't have blades for arms so we'll settle for no breasts any day mate
DID/OSDD Casually Explained: Masterpost
Here is a list of all my Casual Explanations about DID/OSDD. Please note that these are specific to the experiences of DID/OSDD and should not be attributed to anything else.
My casual explanations are a combination of academic research, personal experience, and community feedback. I am not a professional. I’m simply a person with dissociated parts, one of whom enjoys doing research. A lot.
If you would like to repost my work elsewhere, please include a link back to this post so others can see my sources!
DID/OSDD Casually Explained posts:
What Causes DID/OSDD?
How Alters/Parts are Experienced Internally
Parts In Control
Elaboration of Parts
What Is Integration?
Splits in Established Systems
Substitute Beliefs
One Person’s Experience of Having Dissociated Parts
Parts and Memories
Understanding Dissociated Parts:
Part 1: Belief and Appearance
Part 2: All About Introjects
Main Sources:
Books:
The Haunted Self: Structural Dissociation and the Treatment of Chronic Traumatization by Onno van der Hart
Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation by Suzette Boon, Kathy Steele, and Onno van der Hart
Treating Trauma-Related Dissociation by Suzette Boon, Kathy Steele, and Onno van der Hart
Treating Adult Survivors of Childhood Emotional Abuse and Neglect: Component-Based Psychotherapy by Hopper, Grossman, Spinazzola, and Zucker
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk
Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation by Janina Fisher
Helpful Links:
The Treatment of Structural Dissociation in Chronically Traumatized Patients by Janina Fisher (pdf)
International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation (2011): Guidelines for Treating Dissociative Identity Disorder in Adults, Third Revision
Trauma-related Structural Dissociation of the Personality by Ellert Nijenhuis, Onno van der Hart, & Kathy Steele
PODS (Positive Outcomes for Dissociative Survivors)
DIS-SOS
things I didn't realize were signs of covert DID
a lot of "signs of plurality" lists focus heavily on introjection and alter communication, two things that we have very little of. we wanted to lay out some experiences we had prior to syscovery with a focus on memory loss, identity confusion, dissociation, and unconscious masking since these are what we experience most. we hope this helps someone.
this is not an exhaustive list and identifying with it does not guarantee anything nor does not identifying with it mean you are not plural. we are one system and these are our experiences, which have heavy overlap with our other comorbid conditions. you know yourself/ves best, use your own judgement when reading.
feeling as though i was never a child even when my body was, that i was always an "old soul"
feeling as though i never stopped being a child, that my body aged without me
feeling as though it is my first day on earth and nothing has existed before the present moment
experiencing all of the above so strongly at different times that i cannot imagine feeling any other way
"i don't hear voices, i just have multiple overlapping trains of thought all reacting to and arguing with one another. probably the ADHD"
feeling upset as a kid that my imaginary friends didn't act the way i wanted, or that they didn't like me
remembering my childhood in third person, as though watching a movie of my own life
feeling as though i am having lines fed to me when talking about myself
remembering times that i was upset, but with the inciting incident cut out. being unable to understand why i felt the way i did
feeling as though the "real" me died a long time ago and i took their place
being talented at acting and lying. feeling like i have spent my whole life acting, as though "i" am a character i put on for other people
being afraid of voicing opinions because i know they might change suddenly, being upset when someone tells me a supposed opinion of mine that i no longer remember or agree with
knowing when i am supposed to have an opinion on something but not knowing what it is, having to make up my own opinions based on what i think "i" would most likely say
"what did you do today" i don't know "how do you feel" i don't know "what do you want" i don't know "did you have work yesterday" ...probably?
feeling like my body sometimes says things that my mind does not remember/agree with, or that i'm surprised to hear the things i'm saying
reflexively lying about things i didn't do because i assume i must have forgotten about it
being freaked out when someone touches my stuff without telling me, because i assume i moved it and forgot entirely. being afraid of how quick i can forget things
having excellent memory as a young child and terrible memory as an adult
"face blindness" where i can tell that people look familiar but feel like i have never met them, being unable to put faces in context
feeling like i have never actually met my own friends and loved ones
"i don't have amnesia, i can objectively tell you what happened. even when i do forget, i can usually put it together through context clues."
"it can't have been that bad, i barely remember it and don't feel upset when i think about it"
"i can't have DID, nothing bad has ever happened to me"
no name ever feels right longterm
creating alt accounts due to a desire to "pretend" to be someone else
lacking a solid sense of identity, feeling like a hollow husk of a person who occasionally experiences moments of clarity and wants to be treated as someone other than the "me" i present to the world
"i've never had a switch, i just have an inconsistent sense of identity"
"i've never had a switch, i have always felt exactly the way i do right now"
feeling like my mind is being pulled in several different directions, especially when i'm upset. being unable to act because different "parts" of me want different things
feeling jealousy when seeing other systems be open about their plurality. feeling like it's something you're not supposed to talk about
feeling guilty for being happiest when i'm "faking" plurality
feeling drawn to stories about possession, secret identities, or doppelgangers
all of the above being such routine experiences that i never even thought to question them
All things I thought were simply apart of life mind you ✌️
So often we'll start talking about smth that happened that whoever is fronting at the time has no recollection of and it's like. who is up here who is saying this
The amount of times I must remind myself that this disorder(s) is typically covert and the whole brain is used (lol 10% of my brain used, nah that's literally where we would be stored)
So yeah, of course you're going to have access to some stuff because one, it's designed to not be noticed (you have the neural pathways, that's where information is stored, that is where you would also be stored thank you-) so you can also just check physical storage (me literally trying to recall a memory let me remember please brain 🙏) and even though it didn't happened to "you", it still happened to *you*??
So some things are just universal (I guess) because of course, no one is supposed to notice and it's almost automatic if you're used to masking as each other or think (remember more like it lol) for a second that you all exist in literally one brain -_- (note to selves hehe)
(I definitely still have access to stuff that I didn't experience myself, but it makes more sense to me that I could still remember it if need be or just because it's one brain in one body!? This helps stop me from thinking wait huh and accidentally forcing a switch just to better recall something lol) <- not fun -_-
I’m both trans and a therian, my body can’t do nothing right.
#crysobbing
it’s pride moth
what do you want us to do, draw gay plural comics ??
I mean 👀
Genre media since the 1980s has become so painfully self-conscious.
tbh I think part of the appeal of anime to a lot of people is that it isn't full of this cringing embarrassment of the nature of what it is. It isn't constantly making fun of itself or apologizing for its existence, it's just straightforwardly doing the thing it's doing.
To amend a little: I think most anime do engage in jokes of that nature at least once in a while, but the whole delivery is different. When anime wants to make fun of something it has a whole grab-bag of neon signs - sweatdrops, dot eyes, chibi figures etc. - to tell you This Is A Joke and something to put in a separate box from the “real” story. I can understand why a lot of people would find that annoying and immersion-breaking, but at the same time if all your levity comes with the exact same framing and delivery as the Serious moments, there’s a heavier risk of it leaking in and slowly corroding the whole thing from the inside.
Honestly knowing that some of my mannerisms come from anime, it makes sense to me that I would appreciate both its sincerity and tongue and cheek style approach to comedy and really anything in itself with the genre and media.
being a horny alter in system that's touch starved to the point of being overwhelmed with a little touch is really annoying because everyone else will be like "friends would be nice in theory, maybe we could even hold hands or lightly push each other's shoulders" and you'll be like i want someone to put their full weight on me while fucking me stupid style
Oh man, I feel this on a deeply emotional level (in theory) but also on a disgusting "get away from me" level in practice :'D👍
Hey, this inspired a slightly deeply personal post underneath 👇
BLACK SYSTEMS WE LOVE YOUUUU!!!
Huh??! What?! Who the hell is yelling at me??
how it feels trying to hold back the mean alters from saying mean shit
I am going INSANE, we would literally feel so much better if we could just EXPRESS ourselves god DAMNIT-
If you are genuinely a system you are traumagenic systems can only be formed by trauma
(I've been informed this ask was /nm but my point still stands)
in my opinion DID and plurality is heavily under-studied so who the hell knows if endogenic plurality is possible or not and fighting over it and gatekeeping resources over discourse stances isnt gonna help
I was in trans discourse spaces in 2019 and its the exact same rhetoric here- the people who believe it's medical vs the people who believe its personal identity (its somewhere in the middle and fighting over "fakers" isn't gonna get us more acceptance- we need to lift each other up not push each other down)
I personally think of it like this:
People talk to themselves. Thinking out loud, quiet thoughts to themselves, notes to self, a near constant need for communication.
Just because I know MY problems come from trauma doesn't mean I don't notice the way that EVERYONE talks to themselves, in one way or another.
Or has to work through thoughts by separating themselves into pieces and parts. Planning for possible discussions, revisiting conversations, empathy itself is like putting yourself into someone else's shoes. Having a dialogue (a discussion between two or more parties) makes sense, makes it easier to understand yourself, like it's hard wired into human biology, how would I know "myselves" without something or someone to bounce off of; even if that someone is "me".
It came built into your brain with your freaking Xbox. It's arguing semantics on an issue that ultimately doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of life.
Even if life didn't get me a shit ball and I wasn't stuck like this, I would still probably go to myself for help because I have to help "her" anyway. I would still probably have this internal dialogue because it just makes sense to me, to everyone on some level or another.
And if so many people, when under any distress, have themselves split to better handle the problem (life), then maybe it ain't an "origin" issue. Maybe it's a human feature.
There is a fond part of me that understands why so many others feel this disconnect
Comes with the territory of course
But when your body, which houses you, homes you, binds you, traps you, is constantly used for someone's enjoyment, pleasure and pain-
I began to come to have a sort of kinship with myself, with this, with my body
Because it's still mine
I have to take care of MY body
Because no one else will or would or has or should now-
It's mine
My body with all its many flaws and problems and tricks and trades
Without it I would not exist
With it I am caged and trapped and bound and scared-
But I will make us both free because despite everything
It's still me
She kept me safe when I couldn't and tried to live when I didn't
It's just as much mine as it isn't and I will fight everyday to love it the way it should have been loved and care for it the way it did me, even when we both didn't want too
It's my animal, it's my cage, it's my freedom, it's my body
And I will learn to love it and fight like hell to care for it before I ever let it be used again
Because I'm not a toy and either is she
And we are in this together now and forever