'am that bitch @ms-existentialcrisis - Tumblr Blog

maybe i like my tech a little bit inconvenient

maybe i like pulling out my debit card instead of using apple pay. maybe i like untangling my wired headphones. maybe i like typing something into the search bar instead of using siri or whatever. maybe i like curating my own social media feeds over an algorithm. i just don’t think everything has to be perfectly streamlined and efficient i like it when things feel tethered to the real world.

universallyexpertfan

Yelena is three apples tall

stuckyfingers

The Avengers have a pool party and someone drops an icecream or smth on Steve's chest and he's all like 'guys can we not waste food' and Bucky steps in like 'yeah growing up in the Depression and going through the war makes it very hard for us to watch food going to waste' and 1) holds Steve's hip 2) dives down, 3) licks the melted icecream all the way up from his abs to his tits, 4) the avengers lose their shit, 5) Steve has achieved a shade of red not previously thought to have existed, 6) He dashes to the showers, 7) Bucky follows him saying "I'll just go help him", 8) Tony has to turn up the music to drown out the commotion in the showers

sailorsally

thinking about steve kissing the knuckles of bucky's metal hand and going somewhat insane

caffine-exe-deactivated20250828

“Ahh-he-he-he-hem!”

You stand in the doorway dramatically, clearing your throat like an announcer preparing to read an official royal decree.

From his seat on the couch, Satoru pauses his game, lifting an eyebrow suspiciously. He looks up, eyes zeroing in on the box in your hands, the wax strips clearly visible.

He drops the controller instantly. It hits the carpet with a muted thud.

“Nope.” He says immediately, standing up in a single motion that suggests he's about to sprint for his life. “Nuh-uh. Absolutely fucking not–”

“Ok relax, drama queen.” You scoff, grinning mischievously as you wiggle your eyebrows, stepping further into the room. “It’s not for you this time.”

He freezes mid-step, giving you a skeptical look. “Then who’s it for?”

Your smile deepens, darkens just slightly. “Suguru.”

Satoru’s eyebrows shoot up, mouth parting in shock, before he quickly rearranges his expression into an angry pout, folding his arms over his chest. “Nope. Not helping. Last time you dragged me into one of your little plans, you betrayed me. Left me behind to face Suguru’s wrath alone.”

“Pleaseeeee baby.” You give him you’re best puppy eyes. “This time we’ll cuff him down. That way, nobody gets spanked.”

He squints at you distrustfully. “You promise you won’t backstab me?”

“Promise.” You nod solemnly, raising a hand like you’re swearing into office. “Pinky swear.”

Satoru eyes your pinky warily for a second, but he can’t resist. Huffing dramatically, he wraps his pinky around yours. You grin. “Okay, let’s get him.”

. . . . . . . . . . .

You tiptoe into the darkened bedroom, the waxing kit cradled carefully in your arms, Satoru hovering behind you like a nervous shadow.

Suguru lies spread-eagle in the bed, sprawled out comfortably, sound asleep, completely oblivious to his impending doom. His dark hair fans out on the pillow, the rise and fall of his bare chest even.

Suguru sleeps like the dead, not even an earthquake could wake him, which makes this prank all the more perfect.

You reach silently into the drawer beside the bed, pulling out the cuffs, a familiar tool normally reserved for more…. pleasurable moments.

You share a conspiratorial look with Satoru before gently clicking one cuff around Suguru’s wrist, then stretching his arm up to the bedpost, securing it snugly.

Suguru shifts slightly, mumbling something unintelligible under his breath, but remains blissfully asleep.

With your hearts pounding like thieves in the night, you and Satoru carefully repeat the process with his other hand, clicking the cuff shut.

“Holy shit.” Satoru whispers, barely containing a laugh. “He’s gonna kill us.”

“Totally worth it.” You whisper back, voice trembling with suppressed giggles. “Okay, now the boxers.”

“Huh?” Satoru’s eyes widen comically. “Why do I get the risky job?”

“I have to prepare the wax.” You hiss. “You do it.”

He grumbles quietly under his breath, tiptoeing forward and carefully tugging at Suguru’s boxers. Suguru stirs, shifting slightly again, frowning in his sleep. Satoru freezes, panic flickering in his eyes.

But Suguru merely sighs and settles again, his breathing evening out. You both let out simultaneous breaths of relief.

Finally, boxers off, you take a quick glance down and grin. “Oh, he’s gonna be so smooth.”

Satoru wrinkles his nose. “You’re evil.”

You rub your hands together in excitement. “Ready?”

The wax is warm and gooey, and you smooth it quickly onto Suguru’s dark pubic hair, pressing the wax strip down firmly, biting your lip to hold back your laughter.

Suguru stirs again, a soft, sleepy groan coming out of his lips.

“Oh shit, hurry.” Satoru whispers urgently, panic rising in his voice. “He’s waking up.”

You grip the edge of the wax strip, adrenaline spiking in your chest–

Suguru’s eyes flutter open groggily, confused at first, then slowly clearing. He registers the cool air hitting places it shouldn’t, feels the tugging sensation, notices his wrists restrained. His gaze travels downwards, lands directly on the waxing supplies, then shoots back up to you in pure, dawning horror.

“No.” He says, raspy with sleep and rising dread. “Don’t you fucking dare.”

You smile brightly, angelically even. “Morning, baby!”

Then you rip.

Suguru’s shout of agony echoes through the entire house, rattling the windows. He bucks against the restraints, eyes wide with betrayal and pain.

Satoru’s doubled over laughing, wheezing, tears blurring his eyes as you both cling to each other for support while cackling.

“YOU TWO ARE FUCKING DEAD!” Suguru pulls against the cuffs, but it’s useless. You and Satoru ignore him.

“Oh my god! Did you see his face?”

“He sounded like a dying banshee!”

“I’m doing another one!” You declare triumphantly, reaching for the wax again.

“FUCK NO!” Suguru strains against the cuffs with sudden, terrifying force.

Then– there’s a sharp cracking sound.

You and Satoru both stop laughing abruptly, eyes snapping wide in terror as you watch Suguru’s muscles ripple dangerously.

“Did he just…” Satoru whispers.

“Yep.” You squeak.

The second cracking sound, louder and more terrifying, jolts you both into immediate, blind panic.

“GO! GO! GO!” Satoru screams.

You bolt out of the room, tumbling and tripping over each other, barely making it down the stairs alive. You burst through the front door barefoot, keys in hand, hearts pounding, gasping for breath as you tumble into the car.

“DRIVE! FUCKING DRIVE!” Satoru shrieks, voice high and panicked as he slaps your shoulder frantically.

You peel out of the driveway at the speed of sheer terror.

In the rearview mirror, you see Suguru storming out of the house, murder in his eyes, fury emanating from him like an avenging demon, chasing the car in nothing but hastily pulled-on boxers.

“Oh fuck–” You slam the gas harder.

You drive blindly down the street, skidding around corners. When you’re finally a few blocks away, safe distance assured, you park the car, both of you breathing hard, trembling slightly.

Satoru stares blankly ahead, pale-faced. “We’re so dead.”

You nod. “Absolutely.”

You both sit in silence, staring forward numbly.

Then Satoru sighs, reclines the seat back fully, stretching his long legs out. “Well, I hope you like sleeping in cars. This is our home now.”

You nod again, mirroring his defeated posture. “I’ve. accepted that. Better than getting spanked.”

A few seconds pass in silence.

Then you both laugh a little hysterically at memory of Suguru’s face, safe in your new four-wheeled home, knowing neither of you is brave enough to return for at least a few days.

DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME 💀 knowing you guys you might be inspired to do this shit I DONT CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANYONE'S INJURIES 😭

tags: @sweetlovinglavender

caffine-exe-deactivated20250828

You’re fucking him stupid.

Satoru’s bent forward on his knees, fists twisting the sheets, moaning into the pillow with zero pride left in his body. You’ve got one hand gripping his hip, the other digging into the small of his back as you thrust Excaliboner forward relentlessly.

“Ohhh fuck, fuck–” He babbles, practically sobbing. “You’re gonna break me–”

“That’s it, baby.” You purr, gripping his waist tighter. “You’re such a whore for it, Toru. Say it.”

“I’m a whore for it.” He moans, thighs shaking. “Shitshitshit, I’m gonna–”

You slam in one final time, and Satoru screams, making a mess all over the sheets. He’s still recovering, panting like he just ran a marathon, when you lean forward and wrap your arms tight around his torso like a human backpack.

He doesn’t say anything at first. Just stays like that, until five minutes have passed.

“Okay.” He breathes out, trembling, “I’m good now. That was, yeah. Wow. You can take it out now. Please take it out now.”

You don’t move. You cling to him tighter, cheek pressed to his back like you’ve finally found home.

“Babe?”

“I am the sword.” You say ominously. “And this ass–” You slap it, and he yelps. “ –is the stone.”

Satoru freezes. “No. NO. Don’t mythology me right now–”

You squeeze your thighs tighter around his hips. “Long live the king.”

Satoru lets out a strangled wheeze. “SUGURU–!”

Suguru arrives two minutes later, chewing a granola bar. “What the fuck is going on?”

“She won’t get out of my ass!” Satoru yells, face red, body still trembling.

Suguru blinks. “Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“Not FOREVER! Help me! She’s holding me hostage!”

You glare at him from your perch on Satoru’s back, still fully impaled. “Only the chosen one can remove Excaliboner.”

Suguru rubs his temple, sighs, walks over, and grabs your waist.

“No! NO! LET GO OF ME!” You shriek, gripping Satoru like a fucking octopus. “I’M PART OF HIM NOW! YOU CAN’T SEPARATE US–”

Suguru braces one foot on the mattress and yanks.

POP.

You fly off Satoru’s ass, tumbling into Suguru’s arms as you both fall backwards onto the floor. Satoru sobs in relief, faceplanting into the sheets. And then you slowly lift a hand and point at Suguru. “The rightful heir… has been chosen. King of the Hole.”

y'all are enjoying excaliboner a lil too much dontchya think??? also should i make a index/m.list for this lil series?

what-even-is-thiss

You know for the first 18-ish years of your life everyone your age is mostly doing the same things and then all of a sudden every year for the rest of your life somebody your age is getting divorced while somebody else just learned what a leaf is and you have no idea what’s going on or what you’re supposed to be doing