Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
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@munsonsuccubus
Ilya after an Ottawa vs Boston game “Sorry boys, I can’t go out tonight. The old ball and chain wants me home.”
“…You mean Hollzy?”
“First of all, Shane would never chain me down, he picks me up he is the wind beneath my wings. He is the light of my life my moon and my stars. He doesn’t bring me down, he raises me up. Don’t you dare ever fucking suggest that again. I meant Cliff Marlow. We’re cooking him dinner.”
"Whats your favorite genre" i just Listen to music i like man I dont kno w
Ilya trying to outplay his demons
thinking about babyilya getting into irina's makeup while alexei and grigori are out of the house, and she finds him with lipstick smeared all over and around his mouth, and he says "mama look! am i pretty?" and she says "yes, ilyusha, you are beautiful" but she has to get it off his face before grigori and alexei come home. he doesn't understand why he can't keep it on ("but you said i was pretty, i want to be pretty like you mama" "you are, malyshka, but you cannot do this again. makeup is for mama. you can't let papa ever see you with makeup") but he doesn't try her makeup again.
thinking also about ilya remembering this one day, and sveta is ecstatic and helps him go makeup shopping, and teaches him how to put it on right. and shane walks into the bedroom while he's putting on lipstick, and he once again finds himself caught with makeup. and he tries to play it cool but he's kinda freaking out what if he doesn't like it does he think it's weird does he think I'M weird, but all his worries are quickly proven wrong when shane rushes across the room to kiss him
baby Ilya’s tiny angry Russian ranting when Irina won’t let him stay on the ice and his cheeks are all bright pink and his little nose is wet and he’s plopping down onto the ice and crossing his arms and yelling NYET NYET NYET.
Across the ocean at the exact same time, the exact same thing is happening to a very exhausted Yuna Hollander.
It always baffles me when people think Shane would be constantly annoyed by Ilya's antics and bravado. Like, Shane? Shane Hollander? The same man who started salivating when rookie Roz said he was going to score 50 goals? The man who gets so hard over Ilya sexting him right before a game that he could storm into the visiting locker room and ride his man right there? The same Shane Hollander who happily accepted a blowjob while his best friend tried to have a deep and genuine conversation with him about his wife's difficult pregnancy? Nah, that dude is a peak enabler who loves his asshole husband.
married shane does NOT play about ilya when it comes to the press. he's letting out a decade of pent up 'wheres the fucking translator? what do you fucking MEAN you don't have one?', instant 'rephrase that' to the offending journalist when ilya hesitates over a question, gets into full blown forget-the-media-training arguments when it's implied that ilya is somehow stupid for not speaking perfect english, n switches seamlessly between russian, french, and english to make interviews as easy as possible for ilya. meanwhile ilya is giving him the biggest wettest lover boy eyes n WILL be raw dogging him crazy style the moment its over.
They move in together full time and Ilya notices that Anya acts differently with Shane than she does with him, more quiet and less playful, and he worries that means she doesn’t like Shane or is jealous, so he hires a dog trainer to come over and see if there’s anything they need to do to help
After a while of talking about how Anya acts the trainer says there’s nothing to worry about, Anya likes Shane just fine, it’s just that she sees him as the boss and is acting accordingly
And Ilya is like. But. I’m the one who adopted her? And raised her before Shane got here?? And the trainer is just like yeah well she sees you more like an equal. And Ilya is like WAIT she thinks Shane is in charge of both of us?? And the trainer is just like well do you interact in a way that would make her think that?
Ilya’s life flashes before his eyes as he thinks of all the times Shane has come over with a snack for Ilya and a treat for Anya, or all the times Shane has announced they’re all going for an after dinner walk, or pets Ilya’s hair and tells him he did a good job at practice, or the fact that he uses the same warning tone with Anya when she misbehaves as he does with Ilya when he’s causing problems on purpose
Shane comes home to Ilya with his face in his hands going oh god I’m not Anya’s dad I’m her brother and she thinks we’re both your pets. And Shane just goes. What.
shanebug & ilyapie 💛🙂
shanebug & ilyapie 💛🙂
Autistic Shane has echolalia which is why he likes to randomly switch to a Russian accent and repeat back all the little Russian phrases and accented words Ilya says. At first, Ilya thinks he’s making fun of him like some weird form of chirping, but he eventually realizes Shane is just Like That TM (being his cutie patootie self.)
Shane: *sounds progressively more Russian during a conversation*
Ilya, thinking Shane’s making fun of him: that fucking asshole?
Ilya: neveroyatnyy
Shane, whispering in a perfect Russian accent: ✨neveroyatnyy✨
Ilya, clearly wasn’t supposed to hear that: ????!!
Ilya drops several Russian curses while they fuck once, and Shane just moans them right back. (Maybe Ilya fucks Shane three ways to Sunday afterward, and maybe he starts speaking Russian more during sex, but that is NO ONE’S business!)
Shane speaking to JJ during warm-ups: *unconsciously copying his accent*
Ilya, eavesdropping: No, that’s our thing >:(
Shane has genuine difficulty staying quiet and not echoing when Ilya gives his monologue over the phone, but he thinks it would upset Ilya if he did. (And Ilya will never admit it, but each time he said “I love you” in Russian, he hoped Shane would say it back in his little echo, even if he knew Shane didn’t mean it. (He would.))
Shane in the hospital, high as a kite, in a Russian accent: bye bye :)
Ilya, heart eyes 15000%: fuck this, fuck you, nurse I am having heart attack
This is also why Ilya believes Shane could learn Russian in two weeks because SOMEHOW (with his echolalia) Shane is really good at replicating the proper pronunciation.
has anyone drawn this with Shane & Ilya yet
Op the vision is hilarious, you win
shane x ilya honeymoon headcanons
first time flying together!!! (“shane hollander have you ever had sex on an airplane” “no and the bathroom is not big enough”)
they looooove photo booths
shane assumes ilya won’t want to do touristy things and ilya assumes shane wants to do all the touristy things (they love miscomm)
“look” “looking”
shane packs the shortest sluttiest shorts (they're late to everything)
they go on hikes holding hands and walks holding hands and sit on the beach holding hands and have dinner holding hands
ilya tries to convince shane to go skinny dipping the entire time (he obliges on their last night there - "what if we get caught" "people do it all the time they dont care")
role play as strangers using cliche pick up lines (“so do you come here often”)
ilya uses this as an excuse to rent a fun and sexy yet irresponsible sports car (shane also enjoys driving it)
shane reads a total of 7 pages of the book he brought
even though they don’t get recognized shane “hottest man in the NHL” hollander gets special treatment everywhere they go - free drinks, chefs send him food, everyone offers to give him their employee discount, he’s every tour guide’s favourite - he also learned a bit of spanish so they’re all so charmed by him!!!
shane and ilya go clubbing but then shane gets hit on too many times and ilya makes them leave ("they were just being nice!" "no one is that nice")
they befriend another couple also on their honeymoon who don't know they're famous hockey players so they get to have dinner with another couple who knows nothing about them!!!!
they go on a boat tour and ilya pretends to fall all the time to freak out shane (“help im falling” “go ahead i don’t even like you” “SHANEEEEE”)
they lounge on the beach for hours and talk and play in the water and just exist ("ilya you need to put on sunscreen properly skin cancer is serious" "UGH YOU ARE SO BORING" "you should go to the dermatologist when we get back" "I get checked every year hollander relax" "okay good because if you get cancer and die I will be so mad" "so sweet" - all this and he asked shane to put sunscreen on his back)
shane loves that this is designated relaxation time and ilya loves relaxed shane
they take thousands of pictures and like 10% are appropriate to show their friends and family
I've read so many fics where our boys are doing laundry every single time they fuck and I get it, I too am not a bodily fluid enjoyer
however!
may I introduce the concept of the sex blanket? it's big and soft but not too slidey. it's lightweight enough to be easily bundled into the washer or a picnic basket ('oh my god, ilya, not in the park') but heavy enough to absorb their sweat and come without getting it on what's underneath. it's just the right texture for shane to have on his back or his knees or his ass or rubbing against his face. it's machine washable and dries quickly without getting too wrinkled. it's a kind of ugly nondescript colour that doesn't seem to stain. it's a practical (because shane) and endearing (to ilya) solution
with me so far? okay.
now please imagine the sex blanket as mating call. Ilya comes home from the grocery store and shane is sitting reading on the sofa, glasses on, not looking at ilya - but he's laid out the sex blanket across the couch and ilya immediately drops the groceries on the floor. shane gets out of the shower after his morning run expecting ilya to be up with anya or making them breakfast - but he's on the sex blanket on the bed, smirking, and shane gets hard so fast he's weak from it. one time ilya lays the sex blanket out on the patio while they're making dinner and shane can't stop shooting glances at it through the patio doors, getting flustered even though they're cooking something complicated with a lot of steps that he really needs to focus on. Ilya pretends innocence and won't touch him until they're outside after dinner...on the sex blanket.
all I'm saying is I think our boys are pavloving themselves into getting hard at the sight or feel of a particular blanket and I'm so proud of them yay
fucked that you can’t fix other people especially when you really care about them. Oh so im just supposed to be there for you while you suffer. like a useless cunt gargoyle
SHANEWEEK | DAY 3: FAVORITE QUOTE
➳ JOKING AROUND WITH HAYDEN (EPISODE 2)
