give me my husband back

Ari ; 🏳️‍🌈 ; she/her ; 20s ; ♌ ; multifandom ; bilingual ; idk if I'll get over Eddie Munson so get comfy

[rainbow-femme]

They move in together full time and Ilya notices that Anya acts differently with Shane than she does with him, more quiet and less playful, and he worries that means she doesn’t like Shane or is jealous, so he hires a dog trainer to come over and see if there’s anything they need to do to help

After a while of talking about how Anya acts the trainer says there’s nothing to worry about, Anya likes Shane just fine, it’s just that she sees him as the boss and is acting accordingly

And Ilya is like. But. I’m the one who adopted her? And raised her before Shane got here?? And the trainer is just like yeah well she sees you more like an equal. And Ilya is like WAIT she thinks Shane is in charge of both of us?? And the trainer is just like well do you interact in a way that would make her think that?

Ilya’s life flashes before his eyes as he thinks of all the times Shane has come over with a snack for Ilya and a treat for Anya, or all the times Shane has announced they’re all going for an after dinner walk, or pets Ilya’s hair and tells him he did a good job at practice, or the fact that he uses the same warning tone with Anya when she misbehaves as he does with Ilya when he’s causing problems on purpose

Shane comes home to Ilya with his face in his hands going oh god I’m not Anya’s dad I’m her brother and she thinks we’re both your pets. And Shane just goes. What.

[spookystarfishzombie]

[shane-bug]

shanebug & ilyapie 💛🙂

[shane-bug]

shanebug & ilyapie 💛🙂

[mo-mode]

Autistic Shane has echolalia which is why he likes to randomly switch to a Russian accent and repeat back all the little Russian phrases and accented words Ilya says. At first, Ilya thinks he’s making fun of him like some weird form of chirping, but he eventually realizes Shane is just Like That TM (being his cutie patootie self.)

Shane: *sounds progressively more Russian during a conversation*

Ilya, thinking Shane’s making fun of him: that fucking asshole?

Ilya: neveroyatnyy

Shane, whispering in a perfect Russian accent: ✨neveroyatnyy✨

Ilya, clearly wasn’t supposed to hear that: ????!!

Ilya drops several Russian curses while they fuck once, and Shane just moans them right back. (Maybe Ilya fucks Shane three ways to Sunday afterward, and maybe he starts speaking Russian more during sex, but that is NO ONE’S business!)

Shane speaking to JJ during warm-ups: *unconsciously copying his accent*

Ilya, eavesdropping: No, that’s our thing >:(

Shane has genuine difficulty staying quiet and not echoing when Ilya gives his monologue over the phone, but he thinks it would upset Ilya if he did. (And Ilya will never admit it, but each time he said “I love you” in Russian, he hoped Shane would say it back in his little echo, even if he knew Shane didn’t mean it. (He would.))

Shane in the hospital, high as a kite, in a Russian accent: bye bye :)

Ilya, heart eyes 15000%: fuck this, fuck you, nurse I am having heart attack

This is also why Ilya believes Shane could learn Russian in two weeks because SOMEHOW (with his echolalia) Shane is really good at replicating the proper pronunciation.

[ilyasvodka]

has anyone drawn this with Shane & Ilya yet

[princejeanot]

Op the vision is hilarious, you win

[chubby-cry-baby]

shane x ilya honeymoon headcanons

first time flying together!!! (“shane hollander have you ever had sex on an airplane” “no and the bathroom is not big enough”)

they looooove photo booths

shane assumes ilya won’t want to do touristy things and ilya assumes shane wants to do all the touristy things (they love miscomm)

“look” “looking”

shane packs the shortest sluttiest shorts (they're late to everything)

they go on hikes holding hands and walks holding hands and sit on the beach holding hands and have dinner holding hands

ilya tries to convince shane to go skinny dipping the entire time (he obliges on their last night there - "what if we get caught" "people do it all the time they dont care")

role play as strangers using cliche pick up lines (“so do you come here often”)

ilya uses this as an excuse to rent a fun and sexy yet irresponsible sports car (shane also enjoys driving it)

shane reads a total of 7 pages of the book he brought

even though they don’t get recognized shane “hottest man in the NHL” hollander gets special treatment everywhere they go - free drinks, chefs send him food, everyone offers to give him their employee discount, he’s every tour guide’s favourite - he also learned a bit of spanish so they’re all so charmed by him!!!

shane and ilya go clubbing but then shane gets hit on too many times and ilya makes them leave ("they were just being nice!" "no one is that nice")

they befriend another couple also on their honeymoon who don't know they're famous hockey players so they get to have dinner with another couple who knows nothing about them!!!!

they go on a boat tour and ilya pretends to fall all the time to freak out shane (“help im falling” “go ahead i don’t even like you” “SHANEEEEE”)

they lounge on the beach for hours and talk and play in the water and just exist ("ilya you need to put on sunscreen properly skin cancer is serious" "UGH YOU ARE SO BORING" "you should go to the dermatologist when we get back" "I get checked every year hollander relax" "okay good because if you get cancer and die I will be so mad" "so sweet" - all this and he asked shane to put sunscreen on his back)

shane loves that this is designated relaxation time and ilya loves relaxed shane

they take thousands of pictures and like 10% are appropriate to show their friends and family

[pastainhismouth]

I've read so many fics where our boys are doing laundry every single time they fuck and I get it, I too am not a bodily fluid enjoyer

however!

may I introduce the concept of the sex blanket? it's big and soft but not too slidey. it's lightweight enough to be easily bundled into the washer or a picnic basket ('oh my god, ilya, not in the park') but heavy enough to absorb their sweat and come without getting it on what's underneath. it's just the right texture for shane to have on his back or his knees or his ass or rubbing against his face. it's machine washable and dries quickly without getting too wrinkled. it's a kind of ugly nondescript colour that doesn't seem to stain. it's a practical (because shane) and endearing (to ilya) solution

with me so far? okay.

now please imagine the sex blanket as mating call. Ilya comes home from the grocery store and shane is sitting reading on the sofa, glasses on, not looking at ilya - but he's laid out the sex blanket across the couch and ilya immediately drops the groceries on the floor. shane gets out of the shower after his morning run expecting ilya to be up with anya or making them breakfast - but he's on the sex blanket on the bed, smirking, and shane gets hard so fast he's weak from it. one time ilya lays the sex blanket out on the patio while they're making dinner and shane can't stop shooting glances at it through the patio doors, getting flustered even though they're cooking something complicated with a lot of steps that he really needs to focus on. Ilya pretends innocence and won't touch him until they're outside after dinner...on the sex blanket.

all I'm saying is I think our boys are pavloving themselves into getting hard at the sight or feel of a particular blanket and I'm so proud of them yay

[fairycosmos]

fucked that you can’t fix other people especially when you really care about them. Oh so im just supposed to be there for you while you suffer. like a useless cunt gargoyle

[trueplainhearts]

SHANEWEEK | DAY 3: FAVORITE QUOTE

➳ JOKING AROUND WITH HAYDEN (EPISODE 2)

[penandinkprincess]

feeling unreasonably amused and fond about the idea of bb shane figuring out that timeout=having to go sit somewhere quiet and not have anyone talk to him

and thus putting HIMSELF in timeout especially at family events with a frequency that has other family members pulling yuna and david aside to be like, "he really didn't do anything wrong, he doesn't need to be in timeout. it's okay." and them having to figure out a way to explain that yeah, they know. this wasn't their call. he is free to leave whenever he wants. he's literally not in trouble for anything. he went up to yuna, said "mommy, i need a timeout" and then walked himself off to go sit in the guest room looking SO pleased at this loophole out of having to talk to people when he's tired of it.

[hutsonwoolyums]

Good morning, today I’m thinking about Shane giving Ilya cuteness aggression.

It’s their first full day at the cottage for the summer and Shane is still sleeping off their “love making” (Ilya’s words) from the night before, but Ilya’s up and about in the kitchen cooking breakfast for them both. He’s humming to himself and, ok, maybe woolgathering a bit about how perfect last night was, how he can still feel where Shane’s teeth sunk into his shoulder as he trembled and shook and came. But he snaps back to himself when he hears Shane call out “Ilya?” from the en suite bathroom.

“Kitchen!” he calls back, turning as Shane pads out of the bedroom and, oh

Shane’s hair is sticking up in the front, and he’s got the imprint of a pillow crease on his cheek, and the blurred edge of a hickey Ilya left the night before is peeking out from under the neck of one of Ilya’s shirts, and the tops of his thighs are just showing under its hem, and there are hickeys there too, too many to count, and Shane is holding his toothbrush in one hand and saying something about toothpaste, but Ilya can hardly hear it over the rushing in his ears, and then he’s scooping Shane up in his arms and kissing biting kissing over the pillow print on his cheek and Shane is laughing so bright and happy as Ilya says “gonna eat you up, kotonok.”

[afterword]

[biglawbear]

This is really funny on dark mode

[transfeminine-anarcho-post-egg]

On dark mode this is like a clown trying to hide behind a light pole.

[oshell-on-ice]

Ilya Rozanov used to be the hockey king of insta thrist trap. Between shameful displays of the dick arrow and the broadness of his back, every so often traced with marks, the people were salivating. Thirst straps were periodically interrupted by pictures of him going wild at the club, in the dump a picture of him with a girl he definitely took home that night. Wild life hot athlete in a package. Then suddenly nothing since Tampa Bay's all-star game except for professional hockey announcements definitely written by his team. Until a fateful wedding picture photo dump that was actually the announcement of the thrist straps returns. Except the subject isn't him exclusively. Actually he's more like a rare treat on his own feed because all his post are about Shane Hollander looking extremely hot and sexy whenever and wherever. Laundry day, gym, bed, cleaning the living room, hiking, it's a Shane Hollander Fan page.

[penandinkprincess]

while we're talking hollanov under the influence of medication (is the only one talking about it), i'm laughing about the idea of shane half-expecting ilya to just be even MORE flirty when he's high on painkillers or coming out of sedation

and instead man is AGGRESSIVELY faithful

unhand him ✋ he is MARRIED ✋ (they are literally just trying to take his vitals) hands OFF!! his husband is gorgeous and will NOT appreciate this!!! (he says this to *shane* who is trying to help him back into actual clothes)

shane has to leave to let anya out and just gets a picture from svetlana of ilya curled up in the hospital bed smiling at a full screen picture of shane on his phone. literally the only way he would chill out and relax.

[xostrawberrymlk]

I see alot of fics where Shane “isn’t good w kids” bc he’s “awkward” but tbhhhh my biggest headcanon is that actually (before meeting uncle Ilya, whom would be the fun uncle, Shane is still a fav however) uncle Shane is the Pike kids fav uncle, but Shane doesn’t baby talk kids. he speaks to children of any and all ages like they are adults (which is better for their development - which is why he does it) and Shane is actually REALLY good w kids.

[my-castles-crumbling]

okay stay with me for this one.

When Ilya moves to the Centaurs he doesn’t get to keep his number. Some old fuck on the team already has it and refuses to trade, no matter how much Ilya bribes him.

so, in true Ilya Rozanov fashion, he picks the number 24. People think he did it to be an asshole, which is true, but he also did it to have Shane with him all the time. Shane was both infuriated and touched by it.

but then of course, years later, SHANE transfers to Ottawa. And lo and behold, the old fuck who had number 81 retired, so when Shane has to choose a number?

81 is available.

so the first day of training, Shane walks into practice in a jersey that says Hollander, 81, with an absolutely shit-eating grin on his face.

and Ilya goes insane.