*insert obscure john mulaney quote*

👽🤘🏼👽

[schmergo]

The lord giveth and the lord taketh it back now y’all. Two hops this time.

[alicentpark]

this scene alone should be enough for queer eye to win another emmy

[sabotagedselfie]

You know?

[badjokesbyjeff]

A guy walks into a costume party carrying a girl on his back.

“What are you dressed as?” He’s asked

“I’m a turtle!” He replies happily.

“Uh, who’s that on your back?” Another partygoer asks.

“Oh, that’s Michelle.”

[1995june]

i just want to have my own cute little apartment with big windows and bake fresh banana bread every morning and have lots of plants everywhere and read a lot of books and go on adventures w/ friends and watch sunsets from my rooftop

[hatefuhk]

when people ask where you see yourself in 10 years

[hxmidea]

sometimes i watch youtube videos and halfway through i’m like you know what i don’t care and then i close it

[indeathswake]

I REALLY HATE when I’m talking about my desire for romantic love and someone says, “well love yourself.” Like shut the fuck up. Self love and romantic love do not replace each other. They do not fill the same void. And just because I wish there was someone in my life that made me feel special, doesn’t mean I don’t think I’M special. Fuck your projections. Regardless of HOW MUCH you love yourself, it doesn’t replace the energy, strength, commitment, and love that can come from another. As a general note, my feelings aren’t up for debate. I just wanted to vent.

[gaybabyangel]

i want someone to love me like hozier loves whoever tf he’s singing about

[nerdvanauniverse]

i want to love someone like hozier loves whoever tf he’s singing about

[bestviralposts]

INCREDIBLE PHOTO <3

link below to see:

http://sh-meet.bigpixel.cn/?from=groupmessage&isappinstalled=0&fbclid=IwAR1CWHqrxwZ1OUHem0CjjLrTBDH2j2cS4zISRo_2a6coC-A_YkFRr6QzMls

credit to: ketul

[warmwate-r]

Zoomed in and found this gem

[roseverdict]

I think I found someone who knows about the camera

Hello there, observant person!

[thyrell]

uh oh

[all-hail-mono-onion]

i encourage you guys to click the link it’s hella rad

bonus:

special protected fire hydrant

[shrimpathy-for-the-rogue]

Bucket

[tadpoledancer]

Hello darkness my old friend

[fuckyahumor]

damnnnnn 

[murmuringlillies]

???

[halfprincesshalfgoddess]

You: Weird flex but ok

Me, an intellectual:

[capacity]

me watching everyone on earth date and fall in love

[whomst]

Every horse movie

Sarah aynn: “no one understands me I hate you Mom for making us move out here in the middle of no where there’s not even cute boys” *runs away and finds mysterious farm* Old man wilkinson: “this right here lil lady is a hourisey if yer can tame t it’s yoires if not it’s goin back to the horse factory” Sarsjh: *walks up to horse and starts to pet its nose* “see girl? You and me aren’t so different after all” Old man wonka: “why I don’t believe it she done tamed ol’ misery I reckon she ought to sign her up for the horuse show and save the farm” *cut scene of Sarah sneaking out the house to ride her horse everyday until her mom finds out* Mom: “young lady you are GROUNDED!!!! You are not allowed to compete in the horse show” Staryah: “no Mom please” *runs away and almost gets hit by car but then the horse pushes the car out the way" Mom: “fucjkfidnb maybe that’s a good horse after all”

[eorliingas]

literally desaturate any frame from john m.ulaney’s latest standup and it looks like it’s from a variety show in 1935

[eorliingas]

[fiftythousandfrozenfoxes]

I’m sorry but variety shoes did not exist in 1935. Or even 45

[eorliingas]

[latinxa-deactivated20180331]

maybe you MILLENIALS would be able to afford a house if you stopped spending your money at your local diner’s jukebox buying twenty one (21) plays of what’s new pussycat with one (1) play of it’s not unusual in the middle

[saturniidace]

Does everyone just inexplicably know this

[mitochondriaandbunnies]

Dan and I bought a thing called “long ziti” from the local Weird Bargain Store, largely as a joke, but…. I have never had a more unsettling pasta experience in my life. They wouldn’t bend enough to cook from top to bottom simultaneously, and while they were cooking boiling water kept spouting out from the tops of them out of the pot, like a boiling pipe organ. Then they were so long and floppy and hoselike that we couldn’t pick them up with anything other than tongs, and then they were so long and unwieldy that it was basically impossible to sauce them without them all slithering out of the bowl like wet snakes. They then proceeded to cool down almost completely within the the seconds it took to walk to the living room. Eating them was like eating a bowl full half melted drinking straws.

[elemeno-pee]

Bringing back Long Ziti for another round because it’s just too funny

[cricketsqueak]

real life creepypasta

[cutecatpics]

Lucky chonk

[schmergo]

The lord giveth and the lord taketh it back now y’all. Two hops this time.