Exactly what the title states. Something I have been struggling with more than ever this year. It comes in waves. I'll have a really productive week then all of a sudden something hits the brakes.
I find being at university extremely mentally taxing. The number of successful practice sessions versus breakdowns is honestly pretty terrifying. Too many times have I found myself unable to even open my case. I just sit there staring at my instrument, sometimes for as long as an hour, before eventually just crying. What about? I have no idea. All I want is to pick up my instrument and play but I just can't. I know what I need to do, I know what is required to achieve my musical goals but it feels like there is a huge invisible wall between myself and the viola. By the time I've finished crying, whether that lasts for 20 minutes or two hours, the only energy I have left is completely used up from prying myself up off the floor and walking to the train station.
I rarely practice at con because of this. Something to do with the environment and how it effects my self esteem. I've spoken to my boyfriend about this often, both when I'm stable and in the midst of an episode. He suspects it could be a subconscious belief that I'm not good enough and don't deserve to be here. Logically, and on the surface, I don't think like this, but it would make a lot of sense if this was lying underneath. Oh, also the ever-present fear of never landing a playing job.
Being surrounded by people of all different musical abilities is fine, but the egotistical, narcissistic nature of the con is so difficult to avoid. The politics completely infiltrate people. It's so toxic. If you're not licking someone's arse hole to get to the top you're probably punching a wall over how unfair it all feels. Unsurprisingly people are judgemental. It makes it difficult when the really phenomenal players are the nastiest. If I felt like I could admire them I think I'd find it much easier. Some of them I can, but they're probably not string players. Honestly, almost all of the highest level string players at con are snakes in the grass. Looking out for only themselves, just trying to impress all the right people and completely dismissing everyone they think are beneath them.
I'm going to take a separate paragraph to talk about another issue related to all of this. I think when you strip everything away from a musician, what should be at the very core of their being is love. For music. How it makes them feel, how they connect with their instrument. All of that wanky stuff. I think a lot of people forget that. Once the ego takes over, all people care about is being better than everyone else, getting the highest mark, getting the best orchestra seat etc. Always having something really nasty to say when someone plays in workshop or even just passing a practice room. There are so many of these people, especially in the string department. Some of them I seriously doubt whether they even enjoy music anymore.
Are you starting to see why I avoid the place now?
I've spoken to so many people, nearly all of which have said they've hit this kind of horrible wall around the third year mark. Just where I happen to be. Nearly all of them say something along the lines of 'yeah I fucking hate this place.' All of them have had several breakdowns in con practice rooms. All of them hate the politics. If so many people feel like this, of course it will affect everybody.
So yes. Creative block. Something all creatives go through. Environmental, self inflected, or both. It's unbearable. What I want to know is how do we get through it? How can we minimise the chance of it happening?
Personally, I think I have an overwhelming amount of self-doubt, and am far too sensitive to the negative influences in my environment. I don't think I'm alone in feeling this way. For the remaining year and a half of my time at the Conservatorium, I will endeavour to change how I think about myself, both as a human and a musician, find a way to let the politics and all the other con trash wash over me, and hone in on why I'm here in the first place.
Because I fucking love music.
titsay
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dailybridgerton
