the life of

[my-inner-imogen]

A Calling?

I usually start these posts with “Oh, I really need to write more” and “oh, I promise I will write more” but we all know from my history of lies about writing more that I am not, in fact, going to write more. Let’s just move on from that.I had therapy yesterday, I recently started back up with my therapist in the wake of my father’s girlfriend (who hated me from the minute she met me so it would…

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[my-inner-imogen]

Oh hi

Once upon a time… that’s how these things start, yes?   Once upon a time, I was making breakfast for my partner, and I popped out my Polaroid (as one does) and took a pic of the eggs scrambling in the pan.  I decided to do this same practice daily (not necessarily with Polaroids, since, you know, money) and call it 365 Domesticide.  Or death by daily domestication. (She’s fun at parties, you…

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[my-inner-imogen]

The Lies of Mental Illness

The Lies of Mental Illness

The following is a page from what I call “Casual Calamity,” which is a personal creative journal that I used to make monthly documenting all of the creations and projects that I was working on. It was a mix of writing, doodles, photography, digital art, (bad) illustrations, prints, and basically anything that piqued my fancy. I stopped making Casual Calamity a few years ago, because (as I’m sure…

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[my-inner-imogen]

Promises...

Promises…

The past few weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind. So, having never done this college thing before, I signed up for my usual 9 credit hours for the summer semester, and WOW let me tell you, that and working full-time has been a lot. When you add in the fact that I somehow became a gardener overnight and in what I can only describe as a complete manic episode, I planted 78 plants in the first…

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[my-inner-imogen]

Agoraphoto.

I made a photo book a while back with this title, and it seems to be more relevant today than it was those few years ago when I completed it. I mentioned this in previous posts, so I won’t get into a terrible amount of detail here, but I have agoraphobia.  It’s not “debilitating,” per se.  I CAN go out of my house or my comfort spaces, but I hate it and it gives me a ridiculous amount of…

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[my-inner-imogen]

Living Dead Girl

First, I would like to start this blog post with something lighthearted since I don’t talk much about lighthearted things (and the title is enough of a downer anyway).  I decided two years ago that I wanted to re-read the Nancy Drew books that I loved when I was a kid.  I decided I would read it in between other, more age-appropriate books, or when I just needed some escape time.  It’s been…

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[my-inner-imogen]

Ma Lady Malady

Picture it, Cleveland, 1999.image courtesy https://goldengirls.fandom.com/wiki/Sophia_Petrillo I was fresh out of high school with no ambitions in life and even less money. The inkling that I had made a terrible decision in not applying to colleges like my classmates had was lingering, but I didn’t plan on being alive long enough to get a degree anyway, so who really cared? I started working at…

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[my-inner-imogen]

Know Your Enemy.

Let’s talk about agoraphobia for a minute. I didn’t consider myself agoraphobic before I was diagnosed with it. I have a family member who is agoraphobic, and our experiences are very different. He struggles to leave his home at all. The only references I had for this particular phobia were him and what I have seen on television and movies, basically the inability to leave the home. I am able to…

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[my-inner-imogen]

BrAiNs

Here’s the problem as I see it:I have the attention span of a noodle. This is making reading assignments very difficult for me.  Yes, I enjoy reading very much, but textbook reading and a good fiction book are very different beasts to battle and I’m … well, let’s say I’m losing the battle. I am really enjoying school so far, though.  I know, I’m in my second week of my second semester, so I…

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[my-inner-imogen]

Confessional

I have a confession.I have always enjoyed writing.I was an avid reader when I was a kid.  I would read Highlights magazines and kids’ books by my orange nightlight every night before I would fall asleep.  While all the other kids in the class were moaning and groaning when we were assigned reading, I moaned and groaned, too, but only to keep up appearances.  On the inside, I was thrilled. In…

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The Pandemic: What a wild ride.

The Pandemic: What a wild ride.

Cleveland, askew. by: me. 2021 Friday, August 20, 2021 7:43 AM It would be quite impossible for me to put in to words exactly the sequence of events that has led me to this position in my life right now. I had never allowed myself the aspiration of going to college when I was a kid because I didn’t think I was going to live past 18.  When I did that, I didn’t think I would live past 21.  When…

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[my-inner-imogen]

A.

A is for Apathy.

Oh, hey.  It’s been just shy of two years since I posted here last.  Why?  Well, it’s a long story of sadness, apathy, depression, and … well, you’ve heard this story before.  Anyway, I keep telling myself that the COVID-19 shutdown would be the PERFECT time to get my ass out there and create (at a safe distance, preferably nowhere near other humans, of course, but how is that…

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[my-inner-imogen]

This drug may increase the chance of blood clots, a stroke, or heart attack. Studies have shown an increased risk of breast cancer with the use of birth control pills. Call your doctor right away if you have the following: Signs of an allergic reaction like rash, hives, itching; red, swollen, blistered or peeling of the skin with or without fever; wheezing; tightness in the chest or throat; trouble breathing, swallowing, or talking; unusual hoarseness; or swelling of the mouth, face, lips, tongue, or throat. Signs of liver failure like dark urine, feeling tired, not hungry, upset stomach or stomach pain, light colored stools, throwing up, or yellow skin or eyes. Signs of high blood pressure like very bad headache or dizziness, passing out, or change in eyesight. Signs of gallbladder problems like pain in the upper right belly area, right shoulder area, or between the shoulder blades, yellow skin or eyes, fever with chills, bloating; or very upset stomach or throwing up. Weakness on 1 side of the body, trouble speaking or thinking, change in balance, drooping on one side of the face, or blurred eyesight. Low mood (depression). Feeling very tired or weak. Swelling. Not able to pass urine or change in how much urine is passed. A lump in the breast, breast soreness, or nipple discharge. Vaginal itching or discharge. Spotting or vaginal bleeding that is very bad or does not go away. Bulging eyes. Change in eyesight. Loss of eyesight. Change in how contact lenses feel in the eyes. Signs of a blood clot like chest pain or pressure; coughing up blood; shortness of breath, swelling, warmth, numbness, change of color or pain in the leg or arm; or trouble speaking or swallowing. Feeling more or less hungry. Dizziness. Weight gain. Headache. Upset stomach or throwing up. Stomach cramps. Bloating. Enlarged breasts. Breast soreness. Hair loss. Lowered interest in sex. This drug may cause dark patches on the face. Avoid sun or sun lamps while using this product. Period (menstrual) changes such as lots of bleeding, spotting, or bleeding between cycles.

These are the risks some women choose to take to have vaginal sex with their male partners so they can avoid pregnancy. Some women (like me) have been on these drugs for so long, they don't remember what their natural hormones feel like. We take these risks in order to regulate horrible menstrual cycles. We take these risks to help with MANY other medical problems. Places like Planned Parenthood make these drugs available to women who may not be able to afford it otherwise, yet many are advocating to defund PP. Many are advocating to make these drugs harder to get in general. Even with ALL those risks we take, these drugs might still fail to prevent a pregnancy.

If this drug happens to fail, I should not be forced to carry a pregnancy I took these risks to avoid. I am a person more so than the potential person all these bans are fighting for.

The argument that women should be more careful is fucking ludicrous when we realize that a woman cannot get pregnant without the assist of an equally if not more irresponsible male partner. Abstinence? Okay. Let's have every hetero woman who doesn't want a child just stop having sex. How would their loving husbands and boyfriends feel about that? While we are on the topic, let us also stop with the slut shaming. Married women and women in long term, faithful relationships can get pregnant without planning for it, just like a single woman who enjoys sex can. It isn't promiscuity it is God damn biology. Men deposit sperm, women release eggs, and sometimes the two meet without our knowledge even WITH protection.

I take the above risks so my fiance can avoid surgery. A surgery he told me he would be willing to get, but that is not my decision nor should it ever be my decision. His body. His decision. I have asked three doctors if I can get my tubes tied, and all three have told me no. The pills and the risks involved were my plan B. I made the decision to take the above risks to protect MY body. I continue to take these pills to protect BOTH of our bodies. A condom can break, that is out of my control. I control how I take these pills and if/when I should ever decide to stop these pills. If these pills fail to prevent pregnancy, I should be able to make the decision to protect MY body with a safe and legal abortion.

I'm sure there are 1,000,000,000 other reasons I could list but the main takeaway here is, the decisions a woman makes to protect her body don't affect you or your life.

[my-inner-imogen]

Squirrel, Interrupted.

All right, I knew it would happen eventually and here we go. Long post about mental illness ahead, in case you have ever been curious but afraid to ask:

Once upon a time a therapist told me I showed signs of bipolar disorder (I disagree, but whatever), and my insurance and money ran out before we got a definitive answer. I have posted here and told people about the anxiety and depression that I experience, but I rarely talk about mania (it happens far less frequently than the other two). So, why not? Read on if you're intrigued, otherwise you may scroll...

It usually starts with me being much more sensitive to noises (example: incessant yapping of certain coworkers I won't name). Lights are too bright, so I like to be in dim or no light. Heat and cold, having to pee, a hair tickling me, pretty much any sensation, is 100x more intense. This triggers long periods of anxiety, which I usually try to squash with either a) sleeping too much or b) taking on projects. Usually B.

You may have noticed my recent head-first dive in to bowling. Don't be surprised if I muse about wanting to join the PBA tour. What is a "hobby" to most folks becomes an obsession pretty quickly for me sometimes, especially if I am good at it or in the case of bowling, I suck but I still have fun doing it (ahem, genealogy).

Other things my brain thinks it wants that are completely unattainable: I like to sing in my car. "I should be on American Idol!"

I dance to a song, I should take tap classes (I actually spent HOURS last time I was manic trying to learn Scottish Highland Dancing and hula hoop dancing, and this is where I realized I am slightly more coordinated than a gerbil on methamphetamines).

To the slightly more practical: Three huge SMART Goals? Pppssshhhhh. No big deal.

I need to get back to the daily gym routine I was on before (this is actually not a BAD idea. Daily exercise has been the only thing that has shown improvement in my mental balance).

I also have three photo book projects brewing in my mind. I signed up for volunteering at a raptor center. I'm culling old design work for another project that is still in the "daydream" stage, and of course there are a ton more I won't bother listing because I likely won't be able to attain any of them.

My brain will be convinced I have energy when there is no energy left. I will push my limits. I will crash and burn. Then anxiety about "not living up to my goals" will begin, and then depression will begin again.

I might make little changes to my appearance, I might make drastic changes. I might go get a tattoo. I might dye my hair. I might chop off all my hair. I might pierce something. I won't think before I do it. I will just show up like that. I might interrupt you while you are talking (worse than I already do). I might annoy the shit out of you babbling about birds (more than I already do). I might dance or make jokes at inappropriate times. I might embarrass you by blurting things out without thinking first. I might talk for hours, just blurting out all the things that strike my mind. And it gets dark sometimes. I might have a complete meltdown and scare the shit out of you (I did this at Staples once. No fun). I will see things in the dark that aren't what I think they are (the nightmare man). I might insist you said something to me when you didn't, and I can't explain what I heard or where it came from. I used to go to the bar a lot the last time this happened, so maybe I will drink more than usual, who knows? I will have nightmares. I might have nocturnal panic attacks. This is usually triggered by not getting enough sleep in the first place.

BUT, I have learned to control it a bit more than I used to. Just know that sooner or later I will go back to "normal". Please be patient. Most of all, please, please, please don't think you have to walk on eggshells around me or treat me any differently than you normally would. This has happened with people in my past where they thought they had to change when I changed, that is not true. I have lost dear friends over this.

Anyway, that's all.

XO ❤❤

[my-inner-imogen]

Pentax 110 Surprise

I’m back and I have news.

As I discussed here, I was impatiently awaiting the return of a roll of 110 film I shot through an old Pentax 110 Auto that I bought from a guy who came in to the camera shop I used to work for and wanted us to buy it for $250.00.

That got shot down real quick, obviously.

But, I wanted that thing so I gave him fifty bucks.

Film was no longer manufactured for it, and…

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RicohFlex Model VIIM 1954

RicohFlex Model VIIM 1954

Every so often, I find myself wandering in to the local camera shop. On this particular occasion, I was dropping off a roll of film I knew I wouldn’t have time to develop myself. I was there with my fiance, Chris, and I know he would rather be doing about a million other things versus watching me walk around the camera shop and drooling over all the things I want, but he’s a good sport with my…

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[my-inner-imogen]

Abstractions.

I’m such a blog spaz.

  Walp, I have decided that my decision to spend some money on a microscope (not a top-of-the-line microscope, but his name is Jed and we’re friends, so try to be nice, okay) to take abstract photos was a win. I haven’t done -a lot- of shooting with it, as I don’t like to touch most of the things I would have to touch to put on old Jed, but I’m getting there. Anyway,…

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