Purely My Thoughts.

Text post and quotes of my deepest thoughts that I need to get out, some can be wise, some can be a scrambled mess, but it's all an inside look into my mind and my life. 

[mydeepestthoughts228]

Our first date was Westland Mall...

     I can never get you out of my mind, no matter what I try to do to distract myself I always find myself thinking about our first date if you can even call it that, thinking about all the good times we had and how good you were to me even though I acted like a total dog, as soon as you were gone from my life for good I realized my mistake, it was a smack to the face that snapped me back into reality.  But recently I saw your relationship status change back to single again and it got me thinking a lot, as desperate as it may sound, do you think about me and the good times just like I do? Or are you thinking of another mystery man, I’ve thought about trying to send a signal in the least obvious way, like a classic bouquet of flower with a note saying secret admirer and a little hint that only you and I would remember. 

    I was writing a lot at one point after you had already left, I guess it took a bit for it to truly hit me that you’re gone, that to you our love is as good as dead, I just can’t accept the fact that you don’t love me anymore, it really killed me inside to hear you say those words “I’ll always love you, just not that way you want me to.” I cried, a lot, I still do actually when I get to thinking about you late at night when I can’t sleep. My mistakes, they keep me awake at night because all I can help thinking is that I could die at any moment and all will have for people to look at when I am gone is all the things I did wrong, the chances I never took, the friends I never made. My biggest fear is no longer dying, no, actually recently I’ve been more inviting of death, my biggest fear is to die without letting all my feelings be known to you...I’ll write a letter, my final one to you for if something were to happen to me without giving me a chance to tell you that I will always love you even if you can’t love me the same way.

[mydeepestthoughts228]

For Too Long...

I have decided that I need to start worrying about myself more than I do other people, for too long now have I put myself on the back burner because I didn’t believe that I too deserve to be happy, merely because of the mistakes I have made in the past. Well, I deserve to be happy too, I deserve to smile more and cry less, to finally wake up without a heavy heart and a clouded mind. I deserve to finally see the world for its true beauty again. Too long have I tried to make other people happier, tried to make things easier for other people, whom in the end won’t even appreciate it quite like they really should. It’s been far too long since I’ve quite seen the color in the world, all I have seen in grey, all I have done is work for the betterment of other peoples lives instead of my own, for too long have I gone to bed afraid of what I may see in my dreams, of WHO I may see in my dreams and the memories it will bring forward. I have dreamed of my own death too many times to be counted on two hands, I don’t even have to go to sleep to envision my own death, a lot of times I will find myself daydreaming about it, the day that I finally meet my end and face the big guy upstairs, whether it be from natural causes or self-inflicted, all I’d be able to after that is to apologize as much as I can to the big guys above, tell him that all of it was just too much for my brittle self to take and I cracked like an egg.

For too long have I watched other people be happier than me while I have to sit and watch them dance around cheering about how great life can be, thinking to myself; “How does one obtain the elusive possession known as happiness? Is it a birthright? Is it found by the few and the lucky?”. Mostly everyone around me has succeeded in one way or another while I continue to fail, why is it that some of us are just so prone to life disasters? Is that OUR birthright? Were we just handed a bad hand of cards that ended up throwing our lives into an endless spiral of disaster and sadness? It’s true how they say life can be unfair, life will beat you to your knees after all and then keep you there if you don’t do anything to try and fight back. Kick life straight in the teeth and scream “I AM NEVER GIVING UP, I AM A FIGHTER, THAT IS MY BIRTHRIGHT.” Fight, fight like you’ve never fought before because when it comes down to it, fighting for survival is all of our birthrights, fighting to be noticed, fighting for the thing you want most in life and no, I don’t literally mean fight, I mean go out there and show the world just what you’re made of, show the world that you’re more than a tool at the rest of the world's disposal, you are a human being, I am a human being, we are all human beings so let’s start acting like it.

[mydeepestthoughts228]

-My Biggest Mistakes for All To Read-

I was looking back on my Facebook, way-way back and I really wish I hadn't done that, but I'll just add it to the long list of regrets I have, things I didn't do or wish I hadn't have done, days I decided to do nothing when I should have jumped into action, words left unspoken, or saying the wrong words when you mean something completely different. I've been hurt countless times, but I've also been at the other end of the gun, I have been the one inflicting pain onto people, I have become what I hate most a few times, I have hurt people just because I was hurting and it made me feel slightly better. If I could apologize to every person I ever hurt, bullied, or neglected, I'd beg at their feet for forgiveness, I regret it all, the things I've said and done, the split-second decisions I made in a fit of anger, jealousy and betrayal. I emotionally abused someone, to the point that their family was forced to step in, all because I felt used and abandoned by my so-called friends and the person I had fallen for, which is no excuse at all, who knows how long that abuse will affect that person's life, how long they will ask themselves "What did I do to be treated such a way? Am I not good enough?" Self-doubt may sink in, and a domino effect will begin to ensue. Upset after a break up, I went for a rebound, and got very lucky to run into an old...acquaintance, we talked all summer, until we finally met up (Not for the first time) it's a summer I will never forget, even if I blacked out for the kiss (does it even count if you don't remember?) I became attached to this person, like I always do when I fall for someone, I fall too hard, and like always that person left, but this time for a good reason that I can't get into, the point is I became overwhelming jealous of the person's new found happiness with a new man, so I did something very immature and out of my nature entirely, this one I can't get into because I could get arrested, I was lucky I didn't go to jail, as she caught me red handed, and condemned me, and rightfully so, I tried ruining her life out of envy, and when given the chance to ruin mine she turned the other cheek like a true full blooded Christian. We never talked again, she made it clear she wanted nothing to do with me, but the experience made me a better person, and started my strive to be a better Christian, to be a better person, and I'm hoping that one day, I will run into her again so that I can apologize the right way, to admit my faults, to admit I was in the wrong big time, that I acted out of jealousy, that deep down I was just aching to be loved and held by someone, I felt abandoned. Now, my biggest regret, my biggest mistake; When I was really little, living in Garden City, I had a good childhood (mostly) a lot of friends, not a care in the world, and the greatest best friend life could give, there was this girl (well there were a few but that's a story for another time) a close friend who'd draw our classmates as dogs, and she gave it to me (my memory is clouded so I don't remember everything 100%) then one day she had the courage to tell me she liked me, and like some kind of 4th grade douchebag wanna be, I announced it to everyone. (No that's not the biggest mistake/regret of mine just wait), years later I decided to try and track down my old Garden City friends, and I found a lot, but the biggest was the girl who liked me in 4th grade, we had reunited as teenagers, now a bit wiser, but not wise enough, we hit it off and gave dating a shot, we were on and off, but somewhere down the road (I'm not sure how many years) we were back together, I decided to choose another girl (who may I mention is in another state) over her, but I told her I wasn't ready for a relationship, she probably seen me and the new chick go FB official days later, how she discovered is irrelevant, because only a few months later the girl I chooser over her left me, and I've been alone ever since, but the girl (the 4th grade friend) arrived to chill at my place, this would be the last I heard from her, the last thing she said to me being I'll be back Tuesday, then we hugged, and the energy from that hug...it still haunts me to this day, I almost wish I never let go, that I could keep a hold of her forever... The reason I'm saying this all is to just to try and get it off my chest...

[mydeepestthoughts228]

A Telling of Some of the Hardships of My Life.

Okay, let's get real for a second, the subject of love and loved ones, from the day we're born we have an immediate love for our mothers, family is the first real love you'll see, and the possibly the only one you'll see until you grow old enough, for me it was around 2013 when I first truly feel in love, seeing as I was still young, I was not use to what I was feeling, I don't say her name anymore, I refer to her as A, she was my first real slap to the face, a slap of reality that woke me the fuck up, it changed my way of thinking and acting hugely and would be part of the reason later on that I changed so drastically, I wouldn't feel something quite like that for what felt like a very long time what turned out to only be later that same year, as a direct result of A leaving, I decided to set out and find my old Garden City friends, to see how their lives were going, out of all the people I attempted to try and get into contact with that day, there was one I wouldn't yet realize her importance and a whole story of events play out afterward, a series of events too long to tell in this story, after a long few years through 2013-2015 I moved here to Westland, at the time not realizing just how close we are to Garden City, this would change things in the close future, and while at this point I was with someone I'd rather not mention because the relationship was complete shit, better things were ahead for me as I got in contact with old friends and new ones, a new school, a new city, a fresh start to some, but I was still stuck in the past, reliving things that no longer exist. Upcoming is some of the greatest moments of my life, but shortly following is what I refer to as my biggest mistake in life, now back with my old GC friend, a spark burned between us, and now closer together, we seen each other more often, I was blissful, not a single care in the world and a soft hand to hold as I traveled lost in my partners blue eyes and friendly smile. Then a girl from my middle school hit me up, we were big into liking each other shit on Facebook long before, I will refer to her as S like Satan because she brought out the worst in me even if she acted like a good Christian girl, she pulled me in with promises that no teenage boy could refuse, but I'm no ordinary teenage boy, yet that couldn't save me from her clutches, now mostly asexual (meaning not caring for sex) I relive those days, I say that I'm not like most guys in that aspect, that I am a proud asexual, but an asexual wouldn't have let that attract them, regardless, the event caused me to become strictly asexual, and I was now faced with the fact that I left the perfect blue-eyed girl next door for the equivalent of nothing because S wasn't going to ever settle down, that's for sure. To this day, I think about all those little moments with her, my best friend, days at the park or even just sitting in my room watching my favorite tv show, I didn't know it then, but I certainly realize now that she was my 2nd love, despite being with multiple other people since my first love, now the question is, will there be a 3rd love, or will one of the original 2 come back?

[mydeepestthoughts228]

Also For T.

You know, I miss your energy, how it rubbed off onto everyone around you, including me, being around you made me inspired to go and do things, explore, wonder, get lost even, anything but sit around in the same atmosphere, I miss how well you got along with my family, especially my mom. Most of all, I miss how much you appreciated me, cared for me, even if at times I didn't show much interest, I was dumb back then like they always say; you don't know what you got until it's gone, I realized much too late.

[mydeepestthoughts228]

To T.S

I've been alive for nineteen years, nineteen years living on this planet, to some people much older it may not seem like much, but others will realize it's significance, that's a lot of lessons learned with may more ahead, that's a lot of times spent feeling down due to bullies at school and one at home, that's a lot of time to survive and here I am, I survived this long, you bet your ass that I'm aiming to survive many more years, filled with its own milestones, I WILL get published, I WILL find somebody to spend the rest of my life with, I WILL continue to be happy, All without YOU, I just wish you could read this. ~ To: T.S

[mydeepestthoughts228]

-Believe in Your Dreams.-

Never give up on your dreams and skills no matter what, work on them to no end and improve on them. Years ago I would have hated the idea of even writing a paragraph, now I'm working on writing an entire book that I hope to see published someday. Believe when someone tells you that you can do anything as long as you really put your mind and heart to it, I suggest starting where I did, find your hidden talent that you would have never expected from yourself and make it your everything. Oh, don't let anyone crush that dream either, I have run into numerous people trying to throw my hopes and dreams of being an author to the ground like it's nothing, but look at me now I still keep trucking on as if their words meant nothing more to me than trash, even those once close to me attempted to tear down my dream of being an author.

[mydeepestthoughts228]

The Time Machine Effect.

We all think that if we had a time machine that we'd go back and try to fix one of our biggest mistakes, but it's well known by now that what we think we'd do and what we'd actually do are two different things, so when it comes down to it, most people who said they would do it would end up not, and some people who said they wouldn't now faced with the actual option to do so, have a change of heart and now want to change the past. I would like to think that even if I did come across the ability to go back that I wouldn't because all the hardships I've been through have made me a much better person. they have helped me to see things from a different light, even if those hardships still cause me pain, they are still what makes me who I am...Who I will be. But if it actually came down to it, if I actually had a time machine in front of me, I probably wouldn't be able to fight the urge inside of me, the side of me that wants his friends back, the part that wants his old life back, the part that wants the one that got away back, because she's all he can think about all the time, doesn't feel like going anywhere or do anything because my old friends aren't there, and SHE'S not there. She is happy now, that's all that matters when it comes down to it, that's what the wiser half of me discovered, that and it may be time to try again, but as much as I want to be past it, nothing scares me quite like the future, because the future is unknown, I could die, I could be even more of a nobody, I could be a millionaire who realizes that money still can't buy me everything that I want, because money can't buy love, and money especially can't buy back the one who got away.

[mydeepestthoughts228]

~Serious post time.~

I suffer from a lot of things like depression, anxiety, etc. I try not to let those things affect my life too much, but things don't always go as planned as we all know. I still feel anxious around new people or people I haven't seen in a long while, I still find myself feeling depressed late at night or when I'm alone for too long...All you can really do is fight through it all, tell yourself positive things, think of positive happy times. Memories are the gold of the mind, while things like depression and doubt are the mud and rock. You have to break through those things in order to truly live, remember the quote "It will pass" the bad hard times we go through will always pass, but so too will the good times, so cherish them now, because pretty soon it will pass, and as always frens, Stay alive.