I was looking back on my Facebook, way-way back and I really wish I hadn't done that, but I'll just add it to the long list of regrets I have, things I didn't do or wish I hadn't have done, days I decided to do nothing when I should have jumped into action, words left unspoken, or saying the wrong words when you mean something completely different.
I've been hurt countless times, but I've also been at the other end of the gun, I have been the one inflicting pain onto people, I have become what I hate most a few times, I have hurt people just because I was hurting and it made me feel slightly better.
If I could apologize to every person I ever hurt, bullied, or neglected, I'd beg at their feet for forgiveness, I regret it all, the things I've said and done, the split-second decisions I made in a fit of anger, jealousy and betrayal.
I emotionally abused someone, to the point that their family was forced to step in, all because I felt used and abandoned by my so-called friends and the person I had fallen for, which is no excuse at all, who knows how long that abuse will affect that person's life, how long they will ask themselves "What did I do to be treated such a way? Am I not good enough?" Self-doubt may sink in, and a domino effect will begin to ensue.
Upset after a break up, I went for a rebound, and got very lucky to run into an old...acquaintance, we talked all summer, until we finally met up (Not for the first time) it's a summer I will never forget, even if I blacked out for the kiss (does it even count if you don't remember?) I became attached to this person, like I always do when I fall for someone, I fall too hard, and like always that person left, but this time for a good reason that I can't get into, the point is I became overwhelming jealous of the person's new found happiness with a new man, so I did something very immature and out of my nature entirely, this one I can't get into because I could get arrested, I was lucky I didn't go to jail, as she caught me red handed, and condemned me, and rightfully so, I tried ruining her life out of envy, and when given the chance to ruin mine she turned the other cheek like a true full blooded Christian.
We never talked again, she made it clear she wanted nothing to do with me, but the experience made me a better person, and started my strive to be a better Christian, to be a better person, and I'm hoping that one day, I will run into her again so that I can apologize the right way, to admit my faults, to admit I was in the wrong big time, that I acted out of jealousy, that deep down I was just aching to be loved and held by someone, I felt abandoned.
Now, my biggest regret, my biggest mistake;
When I was really little, living in Garden City, I had a good childhood (mostly) a lot of friends, not a care in the world, and the greatest best friend life could give, there was this girl (well there were a few but that's a story for another time) a close friend who'd draw our classmates as dogs, and she gave it to me (my memory is clouded so I don't remember everything 100%) then one day she had the courage to tell me she liked me, and like some kind of 4th grade douchebag wanna be, I announced it to everyone. (No that's not the biggest mistake/regret of mine just wait), years later I decided to try and track down my old Garden City friends, and I found a lot, but the biggest was the girl who liked me in 4th grade, we had reunited as teenagers, now a bit wiser, but not wise enough, we hit it off and gave dating a shot, we were on and off, but somewhere down the road (I'm not sure how many years) we were back together, I decided to choose another girl (who may I mention is in another state) over her, but I told her I wasn't ready for a relationship, she probably seen me and the new chick go FB official days later, how she discovered is irrelevant, because only a few months later the girl I chooser over her left me, and I've been alone ever since, but the girl (the 4th grade friend) arrived to chill at my place, this would be the last I heard from her, the last thing she said to me being I'll be back Tuesday, then we hugged, and the energy from that hug...it still haunts me to this day, I almost wish I never let go, that I could keep a hold of her forever...
The reason I'm saying this all is to just to try and get it off my chest...