To Be Unseen

People look into my eyes every day, we converse, we share moments, and express ourselves. This is what I don't share.

[myhiddensoul]

I do...

You asked me if I felt lonely. I do, and I feel it more every day as I chase the things I want to do in my life. It's always been that way. I'm always stuck here by myself in my own head. I'm shouting to the fucking world and it's like no body can hear me. And when they do, they laugh and tell me what I'm doing is foolish, that I should do "this" or "that" instead. I'm asked, "what are your plans?" And I know, that if I tell them my true plans.. I'll get this look of, "what is he thinking, that'll never work." Or "Why can't he just be normal" I hate that I went through your phone and seen that you see me in the same regard. I think that pushed me away more than the love letter you wrote to another man. I hate that when I tell people who I am I feel distanced from them. As if I'm some kind of alien. This foreign being that no one seems to be able to connect with. Why do I always feel so alone. Why is who I want to be such a bad thing. Why is it that everyday I have to fight to be happy with so many "loved ones" in my life? Why can't I find someone who understands? Why can't I find someone who smiles back at me with joy when I tell them what I'm doing instead of this look of sadness because I'm leaving them even though I'm within arms reach. I'm sick of watching this look of despair and sadness when I tell someone I'm doing what i love. I'M DOING WHAT CATERS TO MY SOUL AND I FEEL LIKE IM DESTROYING THE WORLD THAT WAS PRE-BUILT AROUND ME. IT COMES CRASHING DOWN ON ME AND I HAVE NO WHERE TO LOOK BUT IN A MIRROR AND TELL MYSELF THAT ITS OKAY ONE DAY IT'LL BE BETTER ONE DAY YOU'LL MAKE IT AND THEY'LL ALL SEE.... But why can't they see me now? I'm right here in front of them.... So why does it feel like I'm being looked through? Like I'm made of this glass that shows them a future someone that I'm not and WILL NEVER be... Why is it when someone asks me if I'm okay I just say, "yeah those are just song lyrics, I'm fine" instead of, "no I feel broken and torn inside. I want you reach out and help me" Now I feel like I'm so backed into a corner that I attack any hand that moves towards me. In fear that they're all here to hurt me. I'm done hurting. I just want to move forward off this dark wall and walk the grassy plain in front of me. But I feel so many daggers in my back when I move forward, and the grassy plain looks more like a mirage in a dessert than a real place in front of me. I just want... to be.. me.

[myhiddensoul]

I feel a deep hole bellowing in my stomach.

I feel an anticipated anguish come upon me.

My soul is searching for a warmth that may not exist.

A frozen wasteland awaits this fire, burning in my chest.

I await her soft hands around my face once more.

But to my mind I see they will touch me no more....

This loneliness is a pain I may never swallow...

You were the light that guided me through.

Now you have gone... and alone I sit in darkness.

Forever and ever...

[myhiddensoul]

Loving who… ??

I get these thoughts, and I don't know why I can't get rid of them. I love her, but I always feel like she's lying to me, hiding something from me. Sometimes when I'm alone all I can do is think of her cheating on me. It doesn't go away no matter how many times I think, "Stop kidding yourself, you know she's not, she loves you." but then I think. "but what if she's playing you?"

I hate these thoughts, but the things she does, doesn't help. I don't want to not care to cope. I don't want to wait to hear her say I was right. I don't want to find out from someone else.

What scares me most, is that she might and I'll never know. Those kind of thoughts make me grow cold. No matter how much the sun glows.

I just want to love her, not think she's out not loving me.

But is it because of her? or because of me? is it her past that bothers me? or mine? Am I the weak link? Or is she out doing what I think? Is this love or is it lust? I'm feeling so crazy I might need a shrink. These thoughts of love and hate, anger and fate. I used to think I was great, then you changed the way I think. Now I'm lost and confused, wondering if I'm getting toyed with and abused. So who am I supposed to ask? Without tearing up something I love that ended up being made by my past? I remember when I didn't care, it was easy to move on even when they'd stare with tears running down their face. Maybe my karma could come back to harm her. Maybe I'm to blame, and this is all in my head, she's not putting me to shame in another mans bed. So how can I fix this problem? Can anyone tell me how to solve 'em?

[myhiddensoul]

The Truth Is...

"You won't even be here when I can't stand on my own two feet. The truth is…. You won't even be here when I can stand on my own two feet." - RealFriends

If you aren't here when I'm down, I don't want you around when I get back up. I didn't pay attention when my closest friends weren't around when I needed them. I didn't have people to talk to, because they weren't there. Don't let people who won't ever be around during your hardest times, enjoy the best times with you. Find the friends that will be there no matter how dark it is. Find the ones who'll be there in the deepest pits, and the tallest mountains. No matter the struggle, they'll be by your side. Good friends aren't that hard to find once you stop letting the bad ones blind you. I don't think is differs any for relationships either. How can I love you if you won't hold me up when I need it most? I've let so many people slip into my life and given them my kindness. My best advice, to "Nice Guys" is to stop giving your all to someone you just met. Make sure the people your being nice to either deserve your kindness, or that your on solid enough ground to stand alone. If you can't take unreturned feelings, then don't give them out. It'll only destroy you slowly and painfully.

[myhiddensoul]

Nothing Is Impossible

Nothing is impossible, you just lack the knowledge to understand it's possibility.

[myhiddensoul]

Our World

The problem we make today, is taking on more than we barter for.

We work to much, to make so little.

We hear no truths.

See no evils.

Speak no mind.

We need to step back, look at whats going on, and make better choices.

We need to move forward towards the open instead of backwards towards a wall.

Towards necessity, instead of wants. 

We're beyond surviving, so we made a world for us to survive in.

We made a world where we can lose, instead of one we can win.

[myhiddensoul]

Deception has many faces, but it's shadow never changes.

Vacant Logic

[myhiddensoul]

Feels like Insomnia

Am I the only one that deals with this shit? I mean really, I can't sleep to save my life sometimes, others I end up crashing and don't even realize it. I went downstairs yesterday, to my room, and didn't feel tired at all. I end up seeing my Girlfriend 2 hours later, in a confused, dizzy, "where the hell am I", daze as she angrily wakes me up. If you sleep on a scheduled time, and can stay consist everyday for more than a week, congratulations.

Oh, don't even get me started on working while dealing with this either. I can promise, I go to work with around 3 hours of sleep a day, when I'm lucky! It's so crazy, I'll feel dead tired all day, but as soon as I get home, and to a point where I can sleep, I'll end up being wide awake. This is a repetitive action until I reach a point of utter and complete exhaustion. To where I sleep for 15 hours and no one can budge me during this period.

I love the moments when I get so tired, I'm slap happy. I'm just awesome to be around when this happens though. It's like I'm high, so it's perfect for hanging out with stoners, haha! Usually, right after this happens, I crash really hard or can lay down with my eye's closed for hours, without sleeping. I'm literally just laying there, in the dark, listening to whats going on around me. That's weird, right? Good, as long as we are both on the same page with that.

I'm at the point where I don't even question this anymore, I just wake up and deal. It's pretty much all I can do, I realistically go through stages. I'm like this for about 80% of the year, then suddenly for the last 20% I just sleep. I think I just catch up on sleep at a later date, joy.

[myhiddensoul]

All of me

There are a lot of me's....

You got drunk me, high me, happy me, depressed me, social me, tired me, angry me, confused me, nervous me, sober me, debate me, sexual me, rock me, hip-hop me, funny me, talkative me, consoler me, friendly me, caring me... ect.

Each one of these "Me's" carries something special though, I wouldn't want to live without a single one of them. I just need to get in the habit of pulling them out at the right time for the right moments.

Fortunately I have a "Fuck it" me that can come to the rescue when needed and I figure out I can say "Fuck It"

Life has been crazy lately, but it's nothing I should let get in the way of my future. I need to just live like I always have, and just live.

[myhiddensoul]

Sharing

Whenever I share the way I feel. It never goes the way I expect. No one cares, and I never feel like anyone will. I'm just going to lock those thoughts away. I'm done letting people in who only want to peak through the door.

[myhiddensoul]

My Other Half Torn Away

I miss you, the moment you walk away, I want to pull you back and hold you in my arms.

I want to keep you by my side and never let you go. Every second I spend away from you hurts me more and more.

When I'm with you I feel complete, like I see the whole world in front of me.

When I'm away from you, it's like I'm staring at the depths of hell.

I need you here, I can't even fall asleep at night, the thoughts of you keep me awake.

[myhiddensoul]

Not Knowing….

I don’t think you understand what you do to me. I don’t think you know that when you’re not with me it hurts. I don’t think you get that I miss you, so much it’s like I’d rather disappear. That I feel like you’re just going to leave eventually. I don’t think I matter, sometimes you kind of make it seem like I do. So why don't I feel like it?….

[myhiddensoul]

Blind, blinded by so called love.

I was fooled by the sparkle in your eyes, the brightness of your touch, and the sound of your love. In the end, you were just playing a character I thought was real.

[myhiddensoul]

When we're not together I feel like she doesn't think, or care about me. She keeps showing me telling me that she does, and when we're together you wouldn't even question it. Most of the time it's like we don't even think about the rest of the world when we're together. But I can't stop the thoughts in the back of my head saying "it's going to fall apart, she doesn't really like you, she's just with you for now, one day she'll be gone, love doesn't work for you, she'll cheat on you or you'll cheat on her, eventually this'll die." I can't stand those thoughts.

[myhiddensoul]

I just want to sing, I want to record and make songs. I wanna sing my soul into the world, I want people to hear my voice.

Vacant Logic

[myhiddensoul]

I Need Someone Different.

One girl had been stuck in my mind for a long time. It was bringing me down, and putting me into a depression. Nobody even knew how sad I was feeling on the inside, I just hid it with a fake smile and fake laughs. I tried to keep moving forward and did every day until I got home. Once I was alone, it was like the world would come crashing down on my head. Even now when I'm alone it's hard to cope with the world. I don't tell people my feelings, I don't speak about things that are on my mind, I keep it all bottled up. I hold it in because I know other people have it so much worse than me, and when I start to tell somebody I feel like a whining baby. I think "what right do I have to complain to this person about my life?" and immediately start tripping over myself and talking about things that don't even matter. I did however find that talking about your problems and the things that are on your mind do help. So I'm going to start at least letting it all out, so I can go back and read it. So whoever if anyone is even reading this, can read it. I want these things to be out there. Even if it's anonymously.

So to continue, this girl had brought me down so far, and all she did was something simple. She left. She left me there, wondering why I wasn't worth what, "perfect" life awaited us. I didn't understand it, I couldn't comprehend why she preferred someone else over me. So I let my self sit on it, then fall down farther and farther. Not saying a word to anyone, for a long time not even expressing how much I loved that girl. How much I thought about her until I started typing it on here I didn't even have a single outlet. What finally lifted that heavy weight that seemed to keep getting heavier, was simply telling someone "I loved her, and I still love what we had. I don't know if I can ever love you because of that." Once I said those words it was like it never happened. I felt happy again, like I took a giant leap away from that hole. Now, now I have a different problem.

When I meet someone, I target them. I make them my choice and I take them. I make them want me, I make them love what I do, I make them feel for me. I've gotten so good at it too, but as soon as I get them where I want. I lose it all, the same cute feelings, the same "I want you" they have for me. I start looking to others around me, my eye's wander with my thoughts and they don't want to come back. 

I don't want to hurt anyone, I'm not even intending to but when I sit back and look at it I'm doing exactly what she did to me. I don't want to hurt them, but I can see it doing exactly what it did to me in there eyes. What I need now, is someone who can handle me. I need someone different.

[myhiddensoul]

It's so hard for me to believe in love, when I felt that way for you and now I have another who's stealing the time in my mind. It doesn't even make sense anymore.

Vacant Logic