CW: depression, suicide
In 2020 I tried to kill myself.
My dog was dying, I was unemployed, depressed, aimless, and altogether I thought it would be better if I just stopped it all there.
Thankfully I was not even close to successful and I started therapy. My antidepressants really started working after that. The game changer of it all? My therapist told me that one day I could just wake up and not be depressed anymore. Of course she added the caveat that the goal of therapy was improvement not eradication. Still, I couldn’t believe it! That meant there was hope and hope is what got me better.
I started working, got into a good routine, got stable. Even when my other dog passed I stayed stable. I didn’t attempt anything. I applied to law school and got rejected and waitlisted at every school I applied to. I stayed stable.
Eventually my suicidal imagery reduced to 0. What used to be me imagining my own gruesome suicide 10 times per day went to 0. It was so normal for me to see my own death that it was like breathing. Except when I miss my Zoloft for more than a day, my new normal is 0.
I still had some ups and downs. Of course, I cried and yelled and self isolated. But I also had these brilliant moments of recognizing myself getting overwhelmed and calmly removing myself from that stimulus. I saw myself change in a way I hadn’t ever experienced.
When you have depression, parts of you peek through like sunlight through the leaves. People see all the darkness with little specks of light on the forest floor and think that’s how you are. But treated, I am the sun. I am 100% myself and people can see it. I can see it.
Since then I’ve traveled solo for 2.5 weeks in Japan, I’ve met up with friends way more often, I’ve played games and done art, I got into my dream grad program with a scholarship, I’ve lived such a full and happy life.
I’m happy.
In just 3 years I went from my lowest low to my highest high. And the thing is, I’m happy not just today but as a baseline. Like even on my bad days I’m still happy!
I’m happy! I’m happy! I’m happy!
I am certain my case isn’t the most usual. Lots of people struggle for far longer and with much worse. I am profoundly fortunate to have friends and family who support me unconditionally. But this is just to tell you there’s a way for it to be over.
If you’re looking at the forest floor, seeing all the dark, just remember, seasons change. You’re still the sun.
