TW

TW, SA of all sorts, S-H, physical abuse, psychological abuse. Your anon trauma stories are safe with me

[mytraumastories]

On top of all of this I have no legal car, no way to get my car legal, and have been sleeping on an air mattress. I'm exhausted.

[mytraumastories]

I want my partner to be happy. I want them to have their family back if they want it without the threat that I will once again ruin those relationships. There was drama, I spoke on the drama, everyone turned on them and I as if we did something wrong by simply needing help, and talking about the things that happened while they were "helping" us. I truly thought things were okay until the fight and the drama. I liked their family. After the fight I talked to their other sibling about it and they turned around and told the original siblings that I was saying things that I didn't. Or the original siblings heard something that the other sibling didn't say. It caused a ton more backlash and the original siblings said awful things to my partner about himself and about me. I guess I'm just for the drama. I should not have said anything to the other sibling, and let my partner handle the talking.

[mytraumastories]

I just want to be happy. Happiness in this economy is hard to come by, it seems. And yet I am happy. As stressed, and tired, and depressed as I am. There is nobody I'd rather be so afraid and so stressed with than my partner. I guess what I mean is, I wish to be free of some of these burdens. The feeling of failure, the gnawing of distrust that he will hate me one day like everyone else seems to. The things my rational brain knows aren't true and yet I still think them, I still feel them, I still fear them.

A job, a home, stability. It would be a great benefit to me. But I sit here typing in the heat after being hot for 6 days and I can't bring myself to solve any issues or think of anything that's positive or helpful

[mytraumastories]

I have considered leaving. I love them and I want better for them. They've been my best friend for so long (15 years, give or take.) I could never imagine that I would drag them down this far in such a short span of time. We haven't even been together a year yet and it's been one unfortunate event after another. It's a wonder we're not at each other's throats all the time. But I fear he will fall into silent resentment eventually. He says he doesn't believe any of it is my fault, and he doesn't blame me either. But I still have this gnawing fear, and a large guilt-monster.

[mytraumastories]

I don't know how to do anything else but sit here and spiral. My partner had a dream I left them because I felt like I was a burden and like I'm dragging them down and everything were going through and everything that's happening is all my fault. I should have protected us, I should have acted before any of this could happen, I should have shut the fuck up. I didn't. I didn't and I'm ashamed. I didn't keep us safe. I didn't keep us housed. I can hardly keep us fed. I told them to quit their job, I said I could handle it. I failed. I keep trying to tell myself that doesn't mean I am a failure. But I feel like one. I feel like I just keep failing. Over and over again. And now look where we are.

[mytraumastories]

I don't know how to keep my mouth shut, or when to open it. I don't know when to stop talking for my own good. I don't know why all I do is mess up and hurt people and destroy things. I don't know if I am messing up my kids and I feel horrible all the time. I don't want this to be their life I don't want them to struggle like I do I hate this. I don't know what to do or how to stop and when I can't make decisions because I am scared I put more on my partner which I hate I feel like I'm just dragging him down all the time and nothing I do is right for us or him or my kids.

[mytraumastories]

I just feel like I'm worthless. Nothing I do is good enough. Even the people who care about me and want to help me can't. I ruin everything. My relationships my friendships and the relationships between the people I'm close with. No decision I ever make is right. Nothing I ever do is right. I don't know how to stop doing the wrong things. I'm trying so hard not to sit here feeling sorry for myself but my brain keeps telling me that I'm horrible and terrible and all the things happening around me are my fault.

[mytraumastories]

In your head does it ever go:

"I'm a black hole I'm a black hole I'm a black hole all I do is consume all I do is take all I do is consume all I do is take I am a black hole"

Or like

"i know I'm bad luck I just know it. Everything I touch falls apart everything I do fails everyone I ever loved will hate me one day things won't work out no matter how hard I try I am a black cat I am bad luck"

No?

Just me?

🥲

[c0ffinbunnii]

i'm struggling bro

[bunnighost]

[mytraumastories]

"I feel like I'm 80 and confused without my pants.. somebody takes my hand.." "Cooks" -Still Woozy

[teddythepoet]

"Would you eat this?

I wouldn't. "

He yanks the camera away from me.

"On the count of three, smile for the camera!"

He snarls.

"One. Twoo.. Three."

I have to.

First bite.

Gag a little.

Keep going.

I sneak little peeks.

Struggle to.

Ram into him.

In the end,

his eyes light up.

Is it over?

Hesitantly peeking over.

His face, concealed by his arms.

I can see.

We

Are

Sick.

Snapping back.

"You are so gross."

Shoot a glance across the table.

Doing something stupid.

Embarrassment that none of us

Feel

After a few minutes

Groaning & turning.

He pushes the off button.

I fall onto the bed.

Turn onto my side.

The bed shifts beside me.

"I'm sorry, [REDACTED]."

"Its fine", I say.

Got a good scrub-down.

"You don't look so good.

Good thing, too.

Wouldn't want ya ta leave."

I turn over & watch.

If it wasn't for his fondness for me,

I would've made

leaps & bounds

to leave.

He keeps me grounded.

Tonight is Truth or Dare.

"[REDACTED], darling,

You know,

it kind of looks like

things could get

pretty

risqué."

[teddythepoet]

We're Here

I know

A devilish grin

I tip my head sideways

His eyes glint

"Whatever I want?

That's Disgusting."

He's mine

Ew

"You're going to film it, aren't you?"

You guys & your secret.

I got over it.

His life hadn't

been

inviting

People cocoon.

Covering & kicking.

Making odd things.

I can already tell this won't end well.

Just the thought of being consumed is enough to make me gag.

"Oh, please don't eat me."

I frown.

This?

Comedy gold.

it is all dark

And I know

he would sacrifice me too

He

almost

used

me

up

I was ready to run away from it all

"You're despicable", I tell him.

Evil.

The red light, glowering in the corner.

Gross.

"I hope this is violent."

[teddythepoet]

a gulp

a swallow of air

sudden

not bad

well

not good, either.

silence

reaches across me

stretches and blankets the room

he suddenly grabs my hands

Frowning

I groan

There's nothing

no feeling

am I a ghost?

He's calm

His eyes

Steady

no

it's serious

I admit

once upon a time,

I felt real

connected

a part of life.

Do I still exist?

aren't you curious?

a little absurdity.

curious??

bad things happen.

I've got no choice.

normal?

Maybe he's right.

I can remember.

We're thrown

bound

guessing

captured

leaning

turning

avoiding

going too far

tugging at our necks

Can't take it anymore

I can't taste anymore

we pull away

I'm startled.

Nothing

Nothing

Not

a

damn

thing.

[teddythepoet]

Dance

borderline short-term memory loss

I forget

Often demented

Typical

Hibernating

Criminal

Cruel

Foul

Cold

Paranoid

walk *RUN*

is it even worth knowing my own name?

I'm the only one who knows my pain.

Forcefully smothering it

isn't saving me.

wondering

where

I

am

it's only fair

I don't belong here

We never *do* anything.

filming suicides

beatings

rape

pain of others

for profit

doesn't change the world

our lives

their minds

Swing around

remember

Our forests are being saved

By people like us

It still feels like

The long con

And the destruction of our world

We need more people like them

Superheroes in their own ways.

Saving the planet

Saving lives

For love, not profit.

Not fame.

We're all in pain.

Nobody is alone.

You will not drown.

[mytraumastories]

So many people that I knew and loved, people that I thought I needed, took my trust and tore it apart like it was an unwanted receipt. My step-dad m0lested me, my exes r@ped & beat me. I've been victim to s3xual @ssault, physical a$sault, psychological games & @ssault. I feel so damaged. So many people have given me the bare minimum and I idealized them so much I didn't realize they were manipulating me and torturing me on purpose until it was too late. I'm so exhausted and I wish sometimes that I could drink myself into amnesia.

Sometimes I find myself shaking for seemingly no reason.

[dollheartangel]