I, the wild phantom girl

These are my thoughts undressed, words left unexpressed.

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Learning to Love

At my feelings of inadequacy: 

I don’t have to be someone. I am someone.

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I believe in love but does it believe in me?

real or make believe?

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You taught me how to love and you taught me how to lose. You taught me I should never hold back, I should never swallow my feelings, and I should never remain silent to avoid the pain of shame. You taught me because I did do all those things and now I know the cost.

Total Due: You

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I used to wonder how you'd feel when you don't know me anymore. Well we're there and I don't think you even care.

how could you?

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it may not have been all at once. it may not have been expected. it may not have been all that obvious - but it was always enough.

i gave you all of me

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I'm scared I'll never meet anyone like you. I guess maybe that's the point. But you were the best I've ever had. You liked to make me laugh and you liked to make me mad. You made me feel alive and now that you're gone...where do I get high?

You set me on fire

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Is it terribly sad to say that I'm waiting for someone that makes me cry everyday? Because I am so overcome with joy and love and happiness and it makes me wonder what on Earth I had ever done to deserve a love like this.

Waiting for a Dream

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I remember when you asked me to meet you at the bar and you showed up with another girl. I remember when you asked me to tell you how I feel and the next day you pretended as though it wasn't real. I remember when we went months without speaking and you expected me to act like it was okay.

Is this how love is supposed to feel?

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May 2015: I got on a plane and flew 10,000 miles away. I've thought about you every single day.

Sadness is the space between us

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Trying to forget you is like trying not to breathe.

You are/were my favorite organ

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To Stifle is to Sufficate

‘I miss you’ nearly slipped from my lips but I swallowed it whole before it could be heard. If only I’d known reducing my feelings would corrode my soul.

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Dear Future Boyfriend, I am going to say stupid shit. I am going to blush and may take fifteen minutes to reply; I may seem closed down and you may think: she acts different around them. I may not have a lot to say, I may pull away, and then proceed to run away. And you're probably going to think it's you. But it's not. It's me. So please, please, please, when I start to get weird, when I blush and I'm quiet, and I can't seem to say the right things, please, please don't leave. I'm into you. I'm really, really into you. I am so into you I don't know how to behave. Just hold my hand and take things slow. I promise it will be the best decision you'll ever make.

Dear Future Boyfriend, 

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I love my life. I love that it's messy. I will always be a bit of a mess, a bit insecure, and not completely, totally happy with myself. And I'm okay with that. I love that, in fact. I love that I have come to accept that I am not and never will be a perfect person, have the perfect life, or make perfect decisions. And that means no one else should expect that of me nor should I expect perfection from anyone else. That lifts a huge weight from my shoulders. I've been bearing perfection in an imperfect world.

Hello World! I am not perfect. I never will be! And I am okay with that.

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It's funny, people will criticize if you date too many people and they will criticize if you date too few. No matter what you do, it will always be too much or too little for someone who doesn’t understand you

there is no middle ground

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I like the feeling when I'm drunk. I am infinite and all encompassing: I can dream big dreams and do them too without my rational mind reminding me of all my short comings. Why can't I feel this way always?

I like me when I'm drunk

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So, tell me how do I get over someone I can't go a day without thinking about?

letting go ain’t easy

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I can't get those things you said out of my mind. Those words, they were cute and they were sweet and I wanted to believe every word but did you mean everything?

Then where are you now?