i have literally nobody so i will write here.
I also dont think that anybody will read this. I hope not, my english is so bad. If not, trigger warning for suicide and sh.
I am in a really bad state rn. I was hanging by the rope tonight. Like, an hour ago. But in my closet, so i had control over it, i could stop any minute and i did. I called suicide hot line and i thing i will live tomorrow, but my thoughts didnt left me, they never do. I had my first suicide attempt when i was 12. Following by many more through out my life. Now im 19. I am dealing with serious depression and bpd.
First time i had my "favourite person" was when i was 16. He helped me every time i felt so bad. I loved him so much, but i never called him my boyfriend. He was the first person that made me feel i was loved. Then, when he realised i was too much, he dumped me. He told everyone i was crazy. He spoke about me with everyone i knew, telling such horrible things. Everybody left me then. I tried to kill myself so many times because of it, but only one time it was so serious i had to go to the hospital. Then my family was informed about my mental state and they somehow made me make it out alive. I hate that guy that treated me this way. I told myself then that i will never give myself to anybody to dont get hurt.
Then, four years later, my roommate, my best friend asked me to be her boyfriend. I was so fucking scared. i really didnt want my trauma happening again. but i trusted her bc i was scared if i didnt, it will end our friendship or at least make it akward. three months later i was madly in love. it was the greatest, most loving person i have ever known. she knew about my trauma and really helped me to cope. we were planning our wedding. i started to sew her wedding dress. i felt like this is THE person. the right one.
Something like a month ago she had to be hospitalised bc of the stress. she worked three jobs, got an email that we must give our flat and no longer live there, many many stress and the contact with drugs that made her psychotic. i felt very sorry for her. tried to be with her. i was visiting her everyday, cooking for her, buying her candy. that was all i could do. she was really depressed and wanted some rest. when she started to feel better she was asking me when i will propose to her. i planned it on a next fall. i would take her to her favourite festival i Switzerland, then to the Alps. She was always telling me that she wanted to be proposed to on the mountain. She loves mountains. I hate them, prefer the sea, but i would go there just for her.
One day at the hospital she was changing the... idk how to say it in english... like.. room? Lol. Big room, other door, other people. Never mind. I was happy for her bc it ment she will get diagnosed, and will have some good medications.
There, she met this guy, we will name him "x" ig. I lack creativity with names. I didnt meet x, but she told me he was nice for her. So nice and so good, she told me i have to meet him, but the only time i did he was.. idk... kinda weird. You know this feeling like you deep down know someone is talking behind your back but you dont have any prove. She called him her friend and that he made this hospital life really good. I was happy for her, ofc, but it started to be really bad really quick. We went from proposing to fighting. So many fights. So many tears i cried bc of how mean she was to me without any reason. I didnt know why. Why she was so mean?
Some day she texted me that she doesnt want to see me. that its okay, shes alive, just wanted some space. Ofc i wanted her to feel good so i didnt bother her. Three days later i got a call from her. Shes in another hospital, got a seazure?¿ (how you write this word?). I was so fucking scared. Then she told me that she was kicked out of the first hospital for being two houres late to the meeting. She broke the rules. Why did she got late? Bc she was with x. Playing on the roof of the building, having great time. He was kicked out too. I was pissed off but not concerned about x... yet. She didnt tell me all that. She didnt call me then, when she needed home (she lives at my house now, i could get her here anytime). She prefered to stay with x and live in his house where the ambulance came after 3 days. I felt like i was cheated on. We talked about cheating for so many times. Laughing about it bc why would you do that to someone you love? "I could never do that lol. i love you so much".
I arrived at the hospital 4 houres after the call. For four more houres i was waiting outside in rain just to get in, chain smoking cigarettes. i was so scared and stressed i tried to cut myself, but i had nothing more than just keys. x arrived at the hospital too. he was mean to me like i dod something to him. i didnt know that guy and he talked to me like i was such a bad person. "okay, weird, anyway". i met her, we cried, it was awful but i was gratefull she was alive. on the same day they transpoted her to the other mental hospital. i was visiting her everyday, as always but x did too. she told me tgen that he was so mean to me bc he loves her. wtf dude. you know shes in a relationship and you fell in love? and it only took a week? big red flag. i was so angry, i wanted to broke up. she knew about his feelings and didnt stop it, SHE WAS LIVING IN HIS HOUSE FOR THREE DAYS.
i was angry, i am angry. we agreed on taking a two weeks break. no contact. just "wourking on ourselfs". i knew she needed space, she sometimes really needs it and i try to give it to her. the "agreement" happened after i asked her to stop meeting with x. she didnt want to, but told me she will for me, BUT CONTACTED HIM TWO DAYS LATER. i was fucking losing it and i told her to get the fuck out. i was so angry that she was hurting me so much bc of a guy she met a week ago. after saying those things and after she told me to not contact her i took +/- 7 sleeping pills. One pill always made me sleep for 15 houres. I really didnt want to wake up. when i did i took 10 pills more. i hoped i would die. i really wanted to die but also was too scared of it to take the whole bottle. the thing is when your life is shit, like the worst type of depression, no point in living and somebody gives you hope for a better tomorrow just to take it right away for no fucking reason. i cant explain how great my pain is. there is nothing left for me in thos life. no warm, no light, no hope, no point. only endless void filled with pain so harmfull, so brutal, so devastating. nothing good left for me in this place. death is the only solution.
we didnt talked for a week. when i woke up after overdosing i couldnt move. my nerves were damaged, my brain was fuzzy, anytime i moved or eated anything i felt like i was about to vomit. i was praying to get sober, even tho i dont belive in god and when i got sober i felt even worse. i dont remember anything more, it is blurry. i cried so much.
today she texted me that we will meet in 5 days. that she need to pack her things and her cat from my house. that we need to talk. i asked her if we are still together she didnt tell me. she only told te to keep this subject till the meeting.
will she break up? i will kill myself, i swear. i will do it. bit she hurt me so bad everybody i spoke to told me i should broke up. maybe. but tbh even if she would beat me i would stay. i cant live without her. x told her that hes gonna kill himself if she didnt want to be with him and she was so worried but what about me? we loved each other for two years for gods sake. i helped her so much. i hate her for what she did to me but i love her for the same reason. what the fuck changed? x? he changed you? why? why cant you see my love?
just waiting till friday.
yousharknotpass
discoholicmusic
izzy806
