Unfinished

I'm just here for the lolz

[poemsbyc]

Lie

I love you is not

a synonym for lie.

(things you never learned)

- C. February 4th, 2018

[countmackulla-deactivated201809]

I hate when a woman says she hates something about her body and a man says “I’d still fuck” like that’s suppose to magically clear up my skin and elevate my self esteem.

Plus men will fuck anything. There are men in a mountain somewhere fucking goats cause they gussy is tight. Bye

[crissle]

gussy

[poemsbyc]

Pleasantries

Hello? How are you? 

I still love you. 

I miss you. 

Please come back. 

(things I’ll never say) 

- C. February 4th, 2018.

[nacholame]

3/9/2014

can't sleep. memories keep me from falling into an abyss of nothing. my mind fights and always loses the battle with my heart. "let me be nothing!" is always the request only to be answered by a delayed "no." "why do you torture yourself this way?" would be the next question. "the only person being tortured is you." would be the next response. am I crazy? three people are living in this body. mind. heart. soul.

[nacholame]

4/20/2014

you'll never know how much I missed you you'll never know the truth how much I kept from you how I really felt truth is, you probably don't care you wouldn't care, no the thoughts don't even cross your mind I barely even cross your mind

the fact that I keep saying that probably means I'm not as over it as I think.

*shrug*

I am over it though. but why haven't I felt relief?

[nacholame]

4/22/2014

I don't miss you, per se. I miss the companionship. the intimacy. the way you made me feel. I thought it meant I wasn't over you, but that's not true, I confused the two. I'm just not over what we had, which makes for awkward situations all the same.. just stay out of my dreams, please

[nacholame]

4/27/2014

how is it possible to want someone and not want them at the same time? always crossing my mind, yet I don't still want you to be mine.. confusing? it puzzles me, too, and I still have no idea what to do. my mind is still so very connected to you. I miss the companionship. the laughter. the jokes. the joy I'd get every single time we spoke. what's happening to me? my body is free, but how is it you still reside inside me? I thought maybe avoiding you would be the remedy, but I don't know how to function... Without you, I'm afraid I'd become totally unsound. "soul ties"...?

[nacholame]

4/13/2015

Why can't I let go? Is it because I see the potential or because I don't want to be alone? Do I miss feeling like this? How just being in someone's presence can bring such bliss? How electricity can run through me just from one touch? How 24 hours together can never be enough?

I don't know how to deal with this because you don't care how I feel. I never had a chance. How could I, when you never told me what I wanted to know? We never stood a chance, but it wasn't from a lack on my behalf. I genuinely cared. I wanted to make things better. I wanted to give you any and everything you wanted. I wanted to help you reach your goals and help you realize I didn't actually help at all, that you did it on your own.

You're a great person, when you're not being belligerent . And it seems like no matter how hard I tried or what I did, it was never enough.

Why do I care so much. Why Why Why

[nacholame]

8/1/2015

The mouth speaks what the heart is full of, right? Does that mean I'm lying to myself when I say I'm over you, or are my emotions still crazy and try to cover up the truth? I have the power to control my emotions, but there are times when I just want to give in.. Times when I miss the feel of you against my skin.. Times when I miss the sweet taste of sin... Times when I wish I could taste you again...

[nacholame]

8/20/2015

I love every part of you Every fiber of your being The good The bad The ugly Cliche I know, But the parts of you that make you, you... They don't scare me. I know you always want to be seen in a good light, But that's not who you are No one is good all the time The bad is what I want to know too The bad is a part of why I love you, too. I knew what was there before any of this began and it didn't scare me away. I want to know the real you. Just waiting for you to take off the mask

[nacholame]

10/14/2015

I make sure your voice is the last thing I hear In my ears, sounds like music that'll make me conquer fears My dearest love, so beautiful and pure And I'm ever so sure my heart's irrevocably yours See I've tried to walk away Tried to forget that you existed But if you didn't exist then part of me would go missing I guess I'm the definition of a real friend because I plan to be around until one of us ends

[nacholame]

1/9/2016

Is it His will? I know I said let it be done, but now that it's happening I can't help but wonder, "how come?" Like a part of me was bartering:

"If you say this, the opposite of devastation is what will come to be. He just wants you to surrender, then He'll give you what you need."

Naive of me, I know "I'm still human," is the excuse. But what's the point of surrender when my heart feels so abused? Trying to stay positive throughout all the tests, but after every trial, I feel closer and closer to death. The pain. The anguish. All of the despair. Oh God, please break me, but not to the point of no repair.

[nacholame]

1/9/2016

I love you You love me too Only difference is I show it more than you I guess that's what I choose People who don't really let love shine through I know you care You have your moments But they're few and far between. Sporadic even. I never know what I'm gonna get Never know what to expect Constantly "on edge" Maybe I'm being dramatic. I don't think so Even so, I can't let you go You've shown me you're capable I guess that's all I needed I guess I think maybe you'll just learn to repeat it

[nacholame]

1/11/2016

I've never wanted to change so badly for someone else before.. Never really cared about opinions until I heard yours.. Am I losing it? Am I loosing it? This selfish way of life, thinking my words offend no one or are never the cause of strife. I want to be different for you. I want to be a better me for you too. I don't want you to ever have to worry or second guess my intentions. Between us, I never want there to be tension. I'd do anything to prove this true, I'm down for you, baby, just tell me what to do.

[nacholame]

7/24/2016

I always pride myself in minding my own business then you came along actin like you were gone be a witness I ain't need you, you made me believe you made me trust even though I told yo ass that it was just a lil lust you said you loved me just a month into us talkin I figured that was why it was my Twitter feed that you were stalkin I let my guard down even though I knew better now I'm sitting here just wishing that my dumb ass would forget her I gave you everything and then you up and changed on me tellin me some bullshit bout you like me better as a homie you ain't ready, you said you just needed to work on you I mean I respect that what else am I supposed to do? and just a week later some nigga all in your snaps? damn, I guess you were talkin to him behind my back? that's fucked up, girl wanted to give you the world and that's how you repay me? I hope he's everything you want, I really mean that, baby and then I hope he fucks one of your friends just don't hit my line when that fake shit ends fuck you.

[nacholame]

8/21/2016

silly of me caught in this same old song so repetitive singing this chorus for far too long no versus just the sign that’s between you and I love clouded mine and that shit left my ass too blind there’s levels that’s prolly why I always let you slide prolly why I kept forgiving and you kept telling lies that’s my fault. and that’s true my friends ain’t ever like you they said you were no good for me “you can’t be this stupid, me” I mean Eve had sense yet the snake made her reconsider but I bet once she took a bite that apple was way too bitter it’s crazy no I ain’t usher but I been missing you lately

[nacholame]

8/22/2016

tell my family I'm sorry I'm lost nothing feels the same anymore... tell them I'm sorry don't blame yourselves I've felt this way before I'm sorry don't let my niece forget me tell her I was proud don't tell her auntie let her down but tell her the truth tell her to be stronger than I am now tell em I'm sorry mom, don't blame yourself I know you are that's selfish, it's not about you this is my life my scars I carry all my burdens you're not a part of this so cut it out you ain't make me put the knives to my wrists didn't feel relief seep out I'm sorry I love you all please know that's the truth but I'm in agony every day and I don't know what to do about it get better? I doubt it not in 24 years so I gotta wait another 20 for my life to switch gears? that's dead about as dead as I'm about to be maybe then the thoughts will stop maybe then I'll be happy maybe then I'll finally be able to feel this so called "peace" that'll be brought along by the piece I just bought last week I'm so sorry I'm the one that's selfish oh look, I finally learned too bad it's costing me my life who was expecting that turn of events? I know I wasn't. oh well. life's hell I just pray y'all forgive me irony. praying about doing something that's what's doing the condemning God are you listening? Nah, can't be, he turned a deaf ear He's not there, he can't be because I feel no fear about it I feel calm. I think I'm actually happy you hear that? don't know who I'm talking to but I know you're there he/she/it whatever I just know you don't care don't worry soon as I pull this trigger I'll be out of your hair. I'm gone.