npd & aspd confessional

hi! i'm reign (she/xe/xor) and i have npd and aspd. if you have those like me, you know they can come with some DARK thoughts and symptoms. and I felt like I had no place to safely air them because I thought people would attack me and tell me I'm a horrible person: but I'm not, and neither are you. So welcome to narconfessions, where you can anonymously share your darker npd and aspd-related thoughts and experiences, without fear of judgement. i've been there- you can tell me anything. the only thing off-limit is bigotry and harassment.

[narconfessions]

welcome to the npd/aspd confessional!

howdy! my name is reign, and i’m a radically inclusive/critically inclusive queer fucker with a whole host of mental shit going on, but especially npd and aspd! npd and aspd can be really tough- it feels like in order to be accepted for having them, you can’t talk about the dark things that come with them. and that really sucks!

so, because i felt i didn’t have a safe place to air my darker npd and aspd-related symptoms and struggles, i created one! this is a no-judgement space for ppl with npd and/or aspd to anonymously share the dark thoughts, urges, and actions you’ve had/done. npd and aspd can be ugly- but here, you are not ugly. nothing is off the table- except bigotry and exclusion. any asks which contain racism, ableism against ANYONE, queerphobia, queer exclusionism of any kind, or any other kinds of bigotry, will be deleted without a second thought.

additionally, i will be making combo flags for aspd and npd! i do not have bpd so i don’t feel its my place to make any combo flags for bpd (or any other pd’s for that matter), so that’s why i won’t take any requests for those, but i will take requests for npd and aspd ones!

disclaimer- i know these disorders can caused fucked up thoughts and urges and yes, actions. just because i don’t judge people for their disorder, doesn’t mean i’m incapable of holding them and myself accountable for the actions they may take. everybody, no matter what disorders they have, has the capacity to fuck up and make up for it. i’m not here to tell you what you did was okay, but i’m here to say this is a safe space to talk about it without being treated like you’re irredeemable. 

this blog was inspired by other blogs like @npdsafe @cluster-b-culture-is @cluster-c-culture-is @npdbubblygum @psychonarc @carnivoroustomatoes and @decolonize-the-left so if i could get a boost, that would be appreciated /nf

DNI-

racists, islamophobes, anti-semites, anti-theists, sexists, queerphobes, basically bigots of any kind

ableists- demonize any personality disorders or paraphilic disorders, demonize mobility and accessibility aids, participate in “cringe culture” unironically, demonize autistic people, against usage of functioning labels completely with no nuance, anti-nontraumagenic systems, anti-thoughtform systems, stuff like that!

TERFs, TIRFs, radfems, gender-criticals, transmeds, anti-mogai, anti-xenogender, anti-neopronouns

queer exclusionist of any kind: anti-pan, anti-aspec, anti-SAM, anti-lesboys/turigirls, anti-mspec lesbians/gays, anti-nonbinary

against words like transmisandry, transandrophobia, and treiphobia

conservative, right-winger, centrist, anti-BLM/ACAB/landback/decolonization, pro-ALM/Blue lives matter

believe fiction doesn’t affect reality and/or ship incest, pedophilic, or abusive ships in a glorifying way. i don’t consider myself antiship because of the rampant ableism among antis, but i will dropkick pedo/incest shippers if you come within a 100 yard radius of me.

[narconfessions]

I apologize i know this is a confessional but i really need help. I have a chronic subconscious front that i cannot for the life of me drop. Recently i got misdxd with bpd traits when i know it should have been npd with aspd traits but the mask watered it down to something akin to bpd. I have no idea what to do, the doctor sucked, my counsellor has direct ties with him and she sucks too. I cant leave tho because he wants to start me on vyvanse for adhd and i have hope that it will work but i cant deal with these doctors please tell me what to do

I don’t have much advice sadly, but I will say that any person who is a licensed psychiatrist can prescribe you meds that would help with your adhd, so if these doctors do get to be too hard to handle, then they are not your only chance to get the meds you need. other than that, I would test the waters with them to see what they think about npd and ASPD and if they’re safe to divulge your thoughts about having them with the doctors.

[narconfessions]

You're the first other pro-para anti-proship person I've seen and I would really like some advice if possible. I know you're not a profession so you can ignore this ask if you want.

I have a hard articulating what I wanna say, and I can't seem to find the right words to explain to people how content that includes pedophilia, incest, and the like is not good for people who have those kinds of paraphilias or similar ones.

Whenever I try to explain I feel like I come off as rude and ableist and I'm not sure how to explain it in a way that doesn't come off as that

hi hi!! this blog is not super active anymore (not mad, just informational), but this is something im super into talking about with like-minded people so here goes!!

i completely agree with you, i'll just say that right off the bat. as someone with more than one of the "big 3" paraphilias, and several more that aren't controversial but are still kinda shameful to me, it's definitely a big issue with those communities because there's kind of a split- some people say that because they themselves are paraphiles who make/like that content, and some use it as a scapegoat to avoid accountability so they just say "well it helps ppl with paraphilias therefore if you disagree you're ableist".

the thing is, it actually CAN potentially be helpful for people with severe paraphilic DISORDERS (read: not just paraphilias, because paraphilias are different than paraphilic disorders). because many people with that severe of a disorder surrounding the paraphilia who are desperately anti-contact, have a very unhealthy mindset about their paraphilia, which is NOT their fault. it's a reality that having a bad mental disorder can lead to doing some bad shit for good reasons. so when people see that group of people and automatically assume they're trying to normalize actual pedophilia and incest and zoophilia and shit, their reaction tends to be "you're trying to normalize abuse" when that is often not the intent. for example, i used to have a friend with zoophilic disorder and pedophilic disorder who used to draw zoophilic and pedophilic content to cope, and he genuinely wasn't doing it because he thought any of it was okay, but because that was how his 15 year-old brain processed the severity of his traumatic disorder. i am not ever justifying doing that (he hasn't been doing that for awhile and was very ashamed of when he did), but that doesn't mean that there isn't a difference between someone who draws and condones that shit for the fun of it and because "ship and let ship", and someone who draws that shit because they've developed maladaptive coping mechanisms.

so i think the focus of criticism should be on someone's actions, not the reasoning behind them, at least in this case. because creating that kind of content is immoral, and sharing it is even more so, but having a paraphilia is not. someone can be struggling and cope with it in a bad way. that doesn't mean you invalidate their struggle, it means you point out that the best of intentions don't cancel out the harm of an action. it doesn't mean you talk down to them like "dont you know you're just hurting yourself you just don't see it you're just too mentally ill to understand it, you need therapy", it means you say that their mental health is important, but not an excuse to do something that harms other people.

and honestly, anything you say probably won't change the mind of someone who's hurting that much- it sadly often takes hitting rock bottom to grasp the reality of your actions, and i say this as someone who's been at rock bottom and below many times and had to reckon with what i may have done to hurt someone else. the point is always the same: sharing pedophilic and zoophilic art is wrong. it will never be okay for any reason, especially personal gain or entertainment. if a paraphilic person is doing that, don't fall into the trap of thinking that they are being controlled by their disorder and need to be babied. they are still capable of making their own decisions. it is not reflective of paraphilias, paraphilic disorders, or people who have them, if a few people with those things have a shitty way of coping with them.

so tldr: criticize their actions, but do your best to remain respectful of their mental health and what they're struggling with. but this is for people who are doing it to cope. it's also entirely possible for a big 3 paraphile to be making that kind of art because they actually AREN'T anti-contact and think it's fine to normalize, in which case they're just a shitty person (but again, not because of the paraphilia/paraphilic disorder itself, but because they think it would be okay to normalize/act on).

make your criticism about their actions, not their disorder. criticizing a mentally ill person for doing something shitty is not ableist, but criticizing them just for being mentally ill is a difference. it's also not ableist to say stuff like "your mental illness isn't an excuse" because it's just true. disorders don't make you inherently bad or abusive, but they can still lead to shitty behavior if you don't make an effort to be a good person, and just because they're not bad for their disorder doesn't mean the actions influenced by it are always acceptable. don't tell them to get therapy, don't say they're sick or gross or wrong for their mental disorder- that's not and never has been the issue, it's their willingness to create and publicly share pedophilic, incestuous, and zoophilic content.

[narconfessions]

warning for discussion of self harm below!

so the NPD won today and I’m feeling so mixed about it. I was at work and I accidentally cut myself on a shard of broken glass and then I thought “hey, maybe if I give myself a bigger cut then people will show me attention”. it was also because executive dysfunction was kicking my ass at work and I couldn’t really fulfill my tasks so I wanted an excuse to come home. so I gave myself a much bigger cut with the glass shard and then went around telling a few coworkers. and I’ve been lying about why I did it and I want to feel guilty for it. I think on a cognitive level I do, like I have guilty thoughts but I don’t FEEL guilty about it and I am so mad at myself for that. what kind of person hurts themselves just to get attention and then lies about it? I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish my brain fucking worked.

[narconfessions]

Hi there, I really hope that is message reaches you!

I am trying to give some sort of hints to my therapist that I might have NPD, but I can't say it in these exact words to them, since they might try to convince my caretakers to look all over my stuff again, because they think that I am just a little kid, even though I am an adult(My therapist it's trying to stop doing this).

I know that you aren't a professional therapist, but since you were diagnosed with the disorder, can you give me some tips on how to handle this?

Thank you.

hi there! to be honest, I was very unsure about seeking a diagnosis because as you know, there is a lot of bias against it, even among professionals. the unfortunate reality is that official diagnoses can be a very sharply double-edged sword. it can bring you accommodations, but a lot of other bad things. if you do want to seek an official diagnosis for NPD, try to think about what the benefits could be- would it help you to be in recovery for it if you have an official diagnosis? would it bring you any accommodations?

on the flip side, could it lead to abuse from your therapist, your caretakers, even your allies? i am not in your situation so only you can weigh those options. but how i did it was that i tested the waters with my therapist first. i told her that I had a friend who was recently diagnosed with NPD and that I wanted to be supportive. when i saw that my therapist was supportive (which i already largely knew because she was my OCD therapist and knew all about my extremely stigmatized intrusive thoughts and compulsions), i was more comfortable bringing it up and discussing it with her.

so try to bring it up on neutral ground- don't hint that you're bringing it up because you think you might have it, but say that you are interested to learn more about it or something along those lines. i'm not sure what your relationship with your therapist or caretakers is like overall, but if you gauge that your therapist isn't safe or their reaction is ambiguous and it's hard to be sure, then I know it sucks, but I wouldn't bring it up, because your safety with your therapist and caretakers is the most important thing.

i wish i had better advice than this, but i wish you luck and please stay safe!

[narconfessions]

Never thought I'd see a definitionally antiship(you can call yourself what you want) pro Para(sorta, paraphilias and paraphilic disorders are Not the same lol) wow. What a paradox. You are aware that looking at fictional content reduces rates of abuse right? There's no pipeline from fiction to reality, it's bordering the opposite. Any therapist worth their degree will tell you your stance is harmful.

actually all three of my therapists who are extremely worth their degrees have been absolutely disgusted when I told them about proshippers and all of them know about my paraphilic disorders! just because I have a disorder doesn’t mean I’m automatically okay with people blatantly romanticizing acting on said disorder. you live in such a small bubble that you can’t fucking fathom paraphiles who actually have a moral compass and it’s pathetic. you can pull whatever statistics you want out of your crusty ass but that won’t change the fact that you thinking it’s cute to write/read/draw csam makes you a gross piece of shit. do me a favor and shut the fuck up forever!

[narconfessions]

I hope it’s okay to ask this here, but what is a radqueer? We’re rad inclus and want to be sure we don’t violate your boundaries

oh it's no worries, radqueer is different than rad inclus, it refers to people who think that things like transabled/transrace/transage and paraphilic disorders, including pro-contact stances, should be included under the queer umbrella. as someone with a stigmatized paraphilia, i'm not against the de-stigmatization and positive representation of paraphilias and being anti-contact for the 'big 3', but i absolutely draw the line at including it under the queer umbrella and i'm fully against transabled and transracial so yea!

[narconfessions]

Not dark per se, but definitely a NPD confession that I dont feel I can share elsewhere.

I actually Do want to collect "oppression points." I like being part of marginalized groups because it makes me feel special and being the victim in situations makes brain go brr. I dont go so far as faking things to feel oppressed, but I do take pleasure in being plural/disabled/queer/trans/cluster B/autistic/a trauma survivor/etc (which I am) partly because I like feeling special.

(Disclaimer this is not to say that discrimination and hatred based on these things does not affect me negatively. I do experience and struggle with ableism and queerphobia and other things.)

i can't believe my eyes because i genuinely thought no one else felt this way and im so relieved to know im not the only one. this is tough with my severe impulsivity too because sometimes i impulsively come out in situations where i KNOW i'm not safe just because i impulsively want attention and sympathy.

i think the problem with the whole thing surrounding "oppression points" is that most often, it's just a term pulled out by marginalized people who have fallen into the trap of respectability politics, to describe people who don't fit their worldview. for example, autistic people who i've seen shit on autigender people because "IM autistic and IIIII understand gender so why can't you". and just look at the endless cycle of exclusionism within the queer community. it's always that we "just want oppression points to be special" but the whole problem in the first place is that we've made oppression out to be something special in the first place! the online world has placed a hierarchy on who is coolest and most valuable based on how many marginalized identities they have. we've created this idea that being marginalized is "cool". sure, it can be a big part of your identity but i've met so many people online who genuinely believed they were cooler and more interesting than cishets just by virtue of having a different gender modality or sexuality and i've also met so so many cishets and guys whose mental health has genuinely plummetted because they think they are not cool because they have no or very few marginalized identities and it's like. being gay or trans or nd or disabled IS cool, but it's not what MAKES YOU COOL! no one is inherently better than anyone else based on unchangeable aspects of their identity because your morality is based on what you choose and how you act, not just who you are. i'm not saying "aw boohoo white cishets are so oppressed" because that's bullshit, but i do think it's ridiculous how much we've turned marginalization into a competition of cool points. you can have as much pride in your marginalized identity as you want but you are not morally better just by virtue of being an Oppressed Person. so that's why this whole "oppression points" thing has taken off and instead of criticizing the hierarchy of oppression-based worth and value that's contributed to it, people just blame other marginalized people for being the "wrong" kind of queer or nd. there's nothing wrong with liking having multiple marginalizations and enjoying the attention from it, it's just when it becomes, like you said, something that people take as paradigm for peoples value or "coolness" and fake stuff because they think it'll make them cooler, when it's a problem like babe no! you are not a boring person just cuz you're cis or straight or nt or abled or white or whatever you have a personality and a life and a value. if people realized that they had value outside of societal checklists and boxes, then people making fun of other marginalized people for being supposed "fakers wanting oppression points" will die down. (none of this is said to invalidate you it's just my take on the nuance of the whole 'oppression points' thing.)

[narconfessions]

I tried to ignore this but I can’t stop thinking ab it so just delete this if it’s discriminatory or not inclusive or whatever it’s ur blog u decide how it’s run but why the FUCK as soon as there’s a blog that’s ours and ours specifically does someone w bpd demand “why doesn’t this include me???” YOU ALREADY HAVE SHIT. There are so many accounts for pwbpd online. Can’t we just have something that’s ours? Aspd and npd are demonized so fucking much and even tho ppl r starting to educate themselves on cluster b’s it’s basically only bpd and they still consider us emotionless abusers just for existing. I don’t want to hate on bpd we’re all cluster b and we’ve all faced stigma but selfishly it made me so angry that whoever sent that ask took one look at this brand new blog that’s supposed to b for aspd and npd and just couldn’t let us fucking have it. Not everything is ab u. Scroll thru the blogs in the bpd tag for one goddamn second and find a confession blog that’s for u. There’s so many. We deserve one that’s ours.

i fully support ppl with bpd, so this is no hate to them, but i agree. it felt a little rude to me and i was a bit upset with them. 

[underwaterspiderbird]

no you don’t support us. you’re just a fake ass, fraud ass clown who wants to demonize other neurodivergent ppl instead of working on themselves moving. the fuck. on.

[narconfessions]

the fuck???? first of all this is from like. a long-ass time ago. i don’t really agree with how anon said all of this but i’m not fuckin ableist against ppl with bpd just because i made a blog that was specifically for npd and aspd like jfc lmao

[narconfessions]

since a ‘transnpd’ person just followed me: i hate radqueers and transabled ppl!!!! you’re not ‘transnpd’ you’re an ableist!!!! this blog is NOT for ‘transNPD’ asshats, hope that helps! good riddance!

[narconfessions]

i fucking hate it here. why am I nothing. everyone is better than me and I am talentless and deserve nothing but death

[self-loving-vampire]

I have calmed down about this over the years and it's no longer an issue I have, but one narcissist thing that a lot of people don't seem to talk about is how it can make you hypocritical in the opposite of the usual way.

Like, instead of inventing exceptions to your standards for yourself, you hold yourself to higher standards than the ones you apply to anyone else.

You may, on some level, realize that these standards are unhealthy, inhuman, and kind of absurd. However you feel as if you should be better than a mere human and therefore good enough to meet them anyway. Not just that, you feel as if someone as amazing as you should be able to do such a thing without having to train, study, or make an effort.

Then failing to meet these standards even slightly becomes painful enough that it twists your self-image and causes a sort of dysphoria that makes you want to die. Even if everyone around you praises your results, it bounces off because your own expectations for yourself were not met.

[boy-gender]

@ trans narcissists, histrionics, borderlines, and antisocial people: i love youuuuuuuuu 💗🧡💛💚💙💜💖💘💝💟💌

[mogai-sunflowers]

I genuinely don’t get the whole shtick that NPD makes you a bad person, for many reasons.

I mean most obviously a disorder doesn’t define you but like, in my experience it’s also just that NPD does the exact OPPOSITE of what people think it does!

it can be a horrible thing to deal with, I won’t deny that. But it has forced me to confront two choices- who I am/who I want to be, and who NPD wants me to be. Like, most people don’t ACTIVELY make the choice not to hurt or manipulate others, but I do because NPD is always influencing my desire to be in control and manipulate others. It’s much more present in my mind which means i HAVE to actively make a choice every day to not hurt other people. So actually, NPD just reveals the kind of person I actually am, which is a good one!

I didn’t choose the emotional struggles that forced me to develop this way, but i DO choose how I react. When I want to yell and hurt, i CHOOSE to be kind instead. I’m not saying that I never fuck up or anything like that, I mean hell y’all have seen me fuck up a lot. but even with all the narc crashes and self esteem issues, I am glad I have NPD because I wouldn’t know how much I care about doing the right thing without it!

[mogai-sunflowers]

i hate cynicism. I know seeing the good in the world can be hard as fuck but don’t stop looking.

somewhere in the world right now, someone is still in the process of writing your favorite book

someone is making art that will eventually inspire you

someone is getting up at 6:00 in the morning to build things because they want you to be safe

someone is getting up early to make your favorite coffee at your favorite coffee shop

someone is starting a business to create sustainable products, to design fat fashion, to support Black creators, to help house the homeless

someone is alive because you are.

someone is fighting to make the world a better place- and it’s because they want you there to experience it.

you may only see evil, but there are two sides to every coin. for every bigot and bully, there are ten times as many friends and allies. life is not meaningless- in fact, have you ever stopped to wonder that maybe the meaning of life is to FIND the meaning of life? there is so much more to this world than pain and suffering and you shouldn’t shut it out or avoid it, but it is only part of the story and maybe, just maybe, life is about discovering the other parts.

[narconfessions]

I'm so sorry, you're not selfish for those thoughts and feelings. Npd is beyond our control. It doesn't make you evil

thank you i was expecting hate for that post. Christmas also sucks for Autistic Reasons and i love getting presents but overall it’s just Bad

[narconfessions]

Christmas is hell for my NPD because i love getting gifts but then i get super frustrated when it’s not my turn and when it’s done all I can think about is the things I wanted that i didn’t get and i don’t express any of this but it still sucks like i just want to get everything I want for one day of the year I just want everything for me and i have Rage even though I appreciate the things I did get. And i feel so bad for feeling this way because it just makes me seem like a selfish jerk but it’s genuinely painful argh