twilight characters as john mulaney quotes
Bella: Excuse me, I’m new in town, and it gets worse.
Edward: “My wife” just has some kick-ass to it, you know? “Get away from my wife! No one talk to my wife!” Marriage is gonna be very magical. “I didn’t kill my wife!” That’s like, “Ooh, who’s that fella? I bet he did kill his wife.”
Jacob: I’m really sorry about last night, it’s just that I’m mean and loud. It will probably happen again.
Jasper: I’ll keep all my emotions right here, and then one day I’ll die.
Rosalie: Some people give off a vibe of right away, they’re like, “Do not fuck with me.”
Alice: I try to stay optimistic, even though I must admit, things are getting pretty sticky.
Emmett: I always thought quicksand would be a much bigger issue than it turned out to be.
Carlisle: You know those days where you’re just like ‘this might as well happen. Adult life is already so damn weird.’
Esme: We have a new house. It was built in the ‘20s but flipped in 2014. Which means it’s haunted, but has a lovely kitchen backsplash.
Marcus: My vibe is like, hey, you could pour soup in my lap and I’ll probably apologize to you!
Aro: And I said “no.” You know, like a liar.
Irina: Sometimes babies will point at me. And I don’t care for that shit at all.
Bree: I guess they’re finally gonna kill us all. This is younger than I thought it’d be, but we are pretty big assholes.
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