Paralysed
I’m sorry.. sometimes just typing it out and dumping it somewhere I don’t go often helps a little.
I’m done. I just cannot.
Cannot what? I don’t even know at this point. I feel like I’ve slipped and fallen on ice, broken through it and am now frozen underneath it, waiting for the ice to melt even though the location is in a glacier. It might melt, maybe. No idea if it will- am I even in the glacier?
I’m trapped between a rock and a hard place and this location has an incredibly healthy fuel of pure undiluted depression with no shield to protect me from it. All I have is someone holding my hand tightly, reminding me that we will sort it somehow in some way.
I’m usually very good at helping myself. Some TLC, taking action, making progress. But this situation has paralysed me, and I’ve never ever felt like this before. I can usually pull myself together and find some kind of relief or solution. A remedy that helps me, maybe? But right now, I can’t find one.
Imagine having a ticket exclusive for you, to the best event ever, which has no date or information. There’s no confirmation, location or anything. All you know is it will maybe exist someday. The longer the ticket remains unredeemed for its event, the more toxic it becomes. What a weird concept.
My ticket is incredibly toxic.
So, I am trapped under ever freezing ice, trapped between two rocks, with a warm hand holding one of mine, but in the other I hold a ticket which is beginning to make what remains of me deteriorate.
There is nothing I can do, unless something gives. Maybe that event happens, it can still happen under the ice with me and that’s okay. I may be trapped in this ice but at least that ticket no longer corrodes me.
Maybe one or both of these rocks will disappear, and I could perhaps swim to find the hole or the weak spot in the ice. I may still have that dangerous ticket, but at least I am not weighted down and am able to pull myself from the cold water, or at least try.
Maybe someone on the other side of that ice will break it and pull me up. I may still have this burning ticket, and I may still be weighted down, but at least I am not in the cold water.
Until something gives... here I remain.
There is nothing or no one to blame, here. I can’t even blame myself in reality. However, I do, but what could I have done differently?
