Everyone thinks the life of an addict is so exciting and eventful, like how itās portrayed in drug movies. You picture dirty junkies running through the streets, stealing from cars and old ladies, drug cartels and gun shots, you picture us with other people, other addicts like us. Truth is, our lives are nothing like those of the junkies in Hollywoodā itās much more pathetic, Iāll still be an addict when that two hour movie begins rolling credits.
Hereās reality; Every day is spent figuring out how to get your hands on $40, finding drugs, doing drugs, hiding drugs, finding places to do drugs, being high, being too high, not being high enough, coming down, going up, hating drugs, loving drugs, hating yourself, being too high to hate anything, making friends, losing friends, dead friends, having no friends, getting sober, relapsing and then finding $40 again. It appears exciting in the beginning but after watching the same scenes year after year, it quickly becomes your least favorite movie.
When you look around youāll notice the theaterās empty because all of your friends moved onto other movies, the front row now feels painfully lonely. Junkie bonds never last very long and theyāre just as unreliable as the drugs they revolve around, when youāre trying hard not to love yourself itās nearly impossible to love someone else. Once in awhile weāll give into the loneliness and make an attempt at establishing meaningful connections but they inevitably fall apart like Candy and Dan. Maybe itās subconscious or maybe weāre aware but fact is, weāll always love the drugs more. Weāre in love with euphoria, weāre in love with the numb and itās a love so powerful that sometimes we forget about all we loved before. Hollywood has cleverly directed movies which give us false hope that one day weāll meet someone so incredible that drugs wonāt compare, like an angel sent to bring us to sobriety. After having your heart broken a dozen times it becomes obvious that those happy endings were nothing but fabricated lies. There wonāt ever be an angel and there is nothing that compares.
The film industry has provided society with an inaccurate representation of addiction, weāre often the villain, the liar, the thief whoās never remorseful, the unstoppable bulldozer destroying everything in itās path. Itās one of the reasons so many hate or fear us, they watch us stealing candy from babies and pushing down the elderly. In reality drug addicts are usually overwhelmed by the amount of guilt they feel. For instance, I feel guilt after realizing my baby brotherās birthday was the week prior and I completely forgot, or when itās my aunts wedding and Iām arriving as the receptionās ending because I was stuck in a parking lot for hours, waiting. The guilt is especially heavy each time I look my best friend in the eye and promise her that Iāll stop getting high, only to pick up a syringe before the end of the night. Sometimes I think it would be easier if we felt no remorse for the disappointment we cause because then it would make more sense when we did it ten more times and then five more after that. But we do feel guilty, we do know the hurt weāre causing but we canāt stop.. I canāt stop.
Wouldnāt it be kind of nice if our lives could be like our favorite drug movies? Donāt you wish that we could have our happy ending, maybe be able to quit cold turkey or get a goodbye kiss from a woman as beautiful as Brittany Murphy.. if our lives were a drug movie, the nightmare would be over when the credits start rolling. Think about it.. after two hours weād be able to live our own lives, leave the theater and choose a different film in a new genre. If this was a perfect world, my life would be a drug movie and Iād end up happy like the Hollywood junkies. Too bad rock bottom only plays one channel and I still need that $40.
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