Welcome to Niamhland

26 year old Irish girl trying to get her life together.

[niamhland]

I feel like rock-bottom might be making myself sick in work.

[no-longer-another-bondi-blonde]

[niamhland]

I went out on Friday night and I still feel like shit.

[niamhland]

In the interest of keeping things honest.

I had 2 glasses of wine last night.

In one way: I broke my "not drinking for July".

In the other: I managed to not drink the bottle.

I'm awake at 7:30 with no hangover so I'm calling it a win.

[niamhland]

Sometimes I think I feel things too much.

Hypersensitivity or overly-emotional... Is that a thing? 

Rolling my eyes earlier thinking my housemate was going to blow off the cinema but deep down almost hoping. Impatience as she explained she was waiting on a call and more impatience when she decided to drive - I wanted to walk. “I don’t want popcorn” but she insists because she’ll bring it home later but I ate three-quarters of it. I didn’t want popcorn, but it was there and I couldn’t help myself. I didn’t finish it - that’s a first. Something to be proud of? 

Guilt now because I’ve eaten the popcorn and more guilt because she didn’t like the film and it was my choice. I’d been so excited. I should have gone by myself. Irritation because she keeps talking about how she “didn’t get it”. Please stop. I loved it. Please stop. Angsty now because we’ve to queue for ice-cream and she’s complaining the guy didn’t give her a proper cone and now I’m rolling my eyes again and SPLAT. The cone drops and I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. Did I will that to happen? 

Parking the car. Defensive now as she tells me our landlord has been giving out about the parking - he’s never said it to me. There was mention of a fence. I don’t like the second hand information. Say it to my face. Let me defend myself. Let’s talk about. I’m crying now. I don’t know why I’m so upset but the anxiety in my stomach is making me want to stick my fingers down my throat and get rid of all the popcorn and the badness and make myself feel better. I won’t, I can’t. I live with housemates. So instead I’m sitting in my bed crying my eyes out over my parking ability and I just want scream. I’m lying. I can’t actually figure out what I’m crying about. I honestly don’t know. It’s all so meaningless and stupid.

Hypersensitivity or overly-emotional....is that a thing?

[niamhland]

Happy July 1st

I’ve had a sober weekend but my eating has been atrocious lately. I knew it would be - you can’t give yourself permission to eat what you want when you want and not have a few weeks of craziness before you settle into some form of normalcy. 

I’ve put back on all the weight I lost. I’m huge again. I took before photos and I’m so ashamed of them and I weighed myself - 16st 8 pounds or 232lbs. I’m not healthy at all. I have plans though! 

July goals: 

No alcohol. 1 takeaway a week. No binging. 3 runs a week. 

That is it. Plain and simple. 

Food: I’ve done a really good grocery shop with lots of delicious food and vaguely planned what to eat for the next few days.  Exercise: I’m going to start the couch to 5k again. I’ll modify a little bit as my garmin doesn’t allow for different kinds of intervals. My sister and I have planned to do a 5k in 10 weeks.  Alcohol: I have no plans to drink for July. I am going to stick to this - I can still go out and be fun without alcohol!

[niamhland]

Sober

I've had a really long talk with myself today about getting sober. The fact that this scares me should tell me everything I need to know.

[niamhland]

I've had a bit of an epiphany. Jesus Christ I hope this one sticks.

I need to stop restricting my food. It isn’t working. “Not binging” and “eating healthy” are massively different in my head.

When I claim I’m “eating healthy”, I am restricting. I am constantly thinking about food and calories, trying to limit what I eat and increase my fruit and vegetable intake, googling recipes, stressing and not allowing myself to eat anything “bad”. It’s just a different type of disordered eating. It then leads to binging because who wants to live off food they don’t enjoy while still being constantly hungry? And then I eat everything around me because I claim “it’s the last time…”. I need to get off this merry-go-round.

So now when I say I’m going to eat healthy, what I actually mean, is that I’m going to stop restricting what I eat so my relationship with food in general improves. My decision making around food is absolutely ridiculous. I don’t eat what I want based off what I want or need. I eat based on rules I’ve made in my head and when I’m not following those rules, I am overdosing, and food is my drug. I don’t want to get anxious or cancel plans when someone mentions eating out or look up the menu beforehand to choose the lowest calorie option. I don’t want to overeat because I don’t know when my next “cheat” meal will be. I want to enjoy spending time with the people I love and enjoy the food that comes with that. I want to be happy and have a normal HEALTHY relationship with food. This is my definition of healthy.

[niamhland]

I binged last night. One of the worst in ages. I was doing okay all day - eating well and not letting myself go hungry. I even treated myself to those quorn cocktail sausages (I’m not a vegetarian anymore but they are amazing).

I was absolutely exhausted and just wanted to stay in bed and watch Gossip Girl but decided to try and be social with my housemates. This was a mistake. We ended up eating loads of haribo and crisps and had a glass of prosseco. It was like a frenzy began and I couldn’t stop it. I ended up eating the goujons that were meant for my dinner tomorrow, a ham and cheese toastie and more crisps. Then, as if that wasn’t enough, I ordered a chinese? I already felt sick but something possessed me to order more food. It’s 7:45am the next morning and I just had rennie and I’m sipping a cup of tea. I’m not even hungry right now. I slept like shit and I feel gross and bloated today. I just need to get a few days momentum “on the wagon”. I need to get better coping mechanisms and, for the time being, keep myself out of those situations. I hate this feeling. I feel so out of control and useless. Other people can just eat normally. Why can’t I?

Anyway, the point of this new blog is to write about my feelings in the hope that I can understand my patterns more and as a way to help. Gotta keep myself accountable.

Over and out.

[intentonpeace]

Calling all Fitblr/weight loss bloggers in their 20s!

Reblog if you are a fitblr in your twenties! Looking for people to follow who are in a similar place in life! 

[niamhland]

Welcome to Niamhland

So I’m back. Some of you may know me - for those that don’t, hello! For those that do, hello again!

I need to start blogging again for my head. I’m all over the place. I don’t even know where to start with this except: I’m not okay. I have an addictive personality and it has gotten out of control recently. I used to have a fitness blog on here and I thrived, maybe a little bit too much. I’m an all or nothing type person. I’m either restricting my food or binging, training for a marathon or completely sedentary etc. I’m also very much a “once you pop you can’t stop” when it comes to alcohol - something I very much need to get control of. 

I did start going therapy to deal with my eating disorder but it felt like she was more worried about me losing weight than helping me cope with my emotional issues. I’m going to start seeing a therapist again soon, except this time it will be to deal with everything - not just food. 

I have meal prepped my food for this week and I’m going to cancel my Friday night plans to drink - I’m thinking of lying and saying I’m on antibiotics.. Also going to attempt to restart the couch to 5k program.  I’m also going to focus on writing down my thoughts - I honestly think it will help. 

Thank you to everyone who was there for me before,  Niamh xo